Situation with ex/exes friend

Danni21

Hi,

I'm just looking for some advice on a situation i've stupidly got myself in. Long story short I broke up with my abusive ex about a year ago. Been to court several times and finally out the other side. We know a lot of the same group of people. I had drinks with a mutual friend of ours. (he'd know my ex longer). I'd been chatting to him previously about the situation with my ex and he knows what he can be like. Anyways I'm not proud of it but we ended up sleeping together and had quite a boozy weekend. I know his ex gf too. I just feel like the worst person in the world. I know i'm going to get severe judgement over this. His mam was in the house and messaged me asking me to leave. I feel like i'm been fighting a losing battle with people not believing how bad my ex is and this isn't going to help. I feel so guilty and bad about his ex gf etc. Just looking for advice on how to handle this situation?

Princess Calla

It's done, can't be undone.

Realistically you are both consenting adults so are free to do what you like.

Just keep your head down, say nothing. It will blow over in a few days.

I see sheep

You didn't so anything wrong, don't worry about it.

Danni21

There will be uproar if my ex finds out and this is just another reason for him to try poison people against me

89897

There's nothing you can do now, just ride it out. Keep your head down and it'll blow over

Princess Calla

Your ex has no say in how you live your life.

Just ignore him and his entourage. There are people who absolutely thrive on drama. The best way to deal with them is starve them.

Detach yourself from these people and move on with your life.

They'll move on to someone else once you don't react.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735203#Comment_120735203

You're probably right. I just feel like a sh***y person for doing this on his ex gf. I've been the one accused of being a drama queen through this whole situation which is so draining. Feel like this is just going to add more fuel to the fire.

You are NOT a sh1tty person, get that out of your head right now. You are a traumatised person, saddened, you were seeking comfort in the way ordinary de ent humans sometimes do.

It may be hard to do now, hold your head up high, there’s plenty of good life can bring you that you deserve, and vice versa. I think one issue might be the circle you mix in, of course it’s nobody’s fault that your ex is a cr@p abusive human being, but it might in your best interest overall to get into a different circle of friends. This can be hard to do, and you may feel very lonely for a while as we all crave familiar company, it’s in our nature. But you could build on getting involved with people with various interests. Google Meetup, which many people use to form bonds of friendship, companionship and perhaps romance.

Hannibal_Smith

Have you ever spoken to someone professionally about your ex? I think you need help putting him in your past. If you sleep with someone else that's between you and the person you have sex with. It's nothing to do with your ex. The ex girlfriend, depends whether she was a friend of yours or not, but again any issue she has she needs to get over and isn't your problem.

This guy knows about your ex so chances are you felt a connection because someone finally saw your side. Who's to say anyone else will even find out about you and the friend?

Either way I think getting help with the break up and putting it securely in your past so you can move forward with your life is the key here.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735353#Comment_120735353

It is good to have someone that understood and actually listened to me. I definitely do need to distance myself. I was made feel by his family and other friends that everything was my fault and treated horrendously. So it's hard not to feel crap

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120735358#Comment_120735358

I was seeing a counsellor who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse. Funds are a bit tight at the moment but I plan on going back.

happyoutscan

Move on and enjoy your freedom.

hayrabit

sorry for your troubles OP

his "ex girlfriend" ? why would you care about her I'm wondering; is she a very recent "ex" ?

no reason to feel guilty - you've split up someone , and had relations with someone (single , presumably) else,, the world still turns

nothing at all wrong or immoral there from what I can see

sounds like it must be his house though, as his mam was telling you to leave. tough situation alright

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120736050#Comment_120736050

I know his ex gf. She lives across the road. I know her since she's very young. I also know her mam well, myself and her mam have a good mutual friend in common. Her mam works in another department in my company. I'll be the worst if this gets out. I just don't want to hurt anyone. Yeap he's single,so am I. It was in his mams house.

TheadoreT

I think the worst offender of the 4 parties here is the lad you slept with. If he's good friends with your ex that's just a **** thing to do imo. But friends groups can be a little incestuous like this, it's not uncommon, even if ill advised.

Reading your previous threads where things like courts and retraining orders ect are involved it's probably the worst thing you could have done to add fuel to the fire tbh. Its hard to fathom how someone who'd want that drama to end would stoke it in the most triggering way imaginable but you're here now.

As to how to proceed from here I guess it's all just a mentality thing. The person who's most confident and least perturbable usually comes out looking the best, if you believe it yourself, others will. Own it, don't get sucked into drama, and crack on with your life.

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't actually done anything wrong. From your telling of it you seem to be some sort of villian, and everyone else, including the fella you slept with unsuspecting victims. He was an equal participant.

His ex mightn't care one bit. He's her ex. Your ex will probably make a deal out of it, but then again he'd probably make a deal out of anything you do.

You are catastrophising and imagining all sorts of drama and backlash. You might be pleasantly surprised to find out very few people care.

The only misjudged thing was doing it in his mother's house!

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739340#Comment_120739340

I just feel like **** for hurting people (mainly his ex). The problem is my exes family know the friends family a long time and this will just be another reason for them to believe him over me.

suvigirl

I have no idea why you think you hurt his ex? She is his ex. How have you possibly hurt her.

And why would you doing anything now have any impact on what your ex's family think of past behaviours?

This is all so much drama. Could you not just move away from it all and give yourself a break.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739385#Comment_120739385

Why does it matter what your ex’s family think?

munchkin_utd

Why would the ex care or feel shafted. If she wanted the fella enough then they would be a couple. If they are not together or care for each other then what does it matter aside from the gossips. Or, is it that he broke up but she harbours notions about him, which obviously he doesnt have because he definititely isnt keeping himself for her from the looks of it.

To me it seems like ye are all in each others pockets (and that fella living with his mam still) and one or more of ye needs to get some distance from the love trianges, or quadrangles. Maybe take a break from it, go travelling. Emmigrate for a year to London or somewhere random. Go work in ibiza for the summer, or even go to somewhere like Galway or Killarney for the summer where the tourist industry no doubt are massively stuck for people to help out.

TheadoreT

A lot of your threads have similar patterns of toxic relationships and you getting really drunk (in your own words) and doing things that you seem to fall into a disproportionate pit of despair about afterwards.

I think there's an element of seeking out chaos whether you mean to or not and self sabotaging behaviours, centered around drink.

So it may be worth cutting back on alcohol if its leading you to make decisions that you seem extremely mortified about for some time after. The brief high surely isnt worth the prolonged low?

You need to stop being so hard on yourself.

You didn't do anything wrong, and if you're both single, neither did this fella.

Do you think he is now working himself up in a state wondering about what your ex will think?

Highly unlikely.

Hold your head up, and if anyone questions you tell them what you do or WHO you do, is none of their business.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you think you'd hurt his ex?

Do you know that she wants to get back with him? Has he finished with her because of you? She might feel a little 'icky'. But she's hardly likely to be hurt and heartbroken. It sounds like a small town. She's probably slept with someone he knows. So they're quits.

Why do you care what his family think? You could be Mother Theresa and his family will side with him and believe him. Stay away from them all. Deal with your own little family and your own life. Don't be trying to live your life proving anything to anyone. Because it's a sure fire way of getting yourself all worked up and bothered about people who aren't all that bothered about you.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739438#Comment_120739438

Trust me i'm planning to. I've just got a car back on the road and need to get a deposit together.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739489#Comment_120739489

I'm only back from travelling a couple of years. Unfortunately financially not an option right now. Just put a decent car under my feet and looking for permanent work.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739552#Comment_120739552

Oh absolutely nothing to do with me. I just feel bad because I know her and her family so long. Plus i've spent nearly three years being called and accused of all sorts that aren't true. I've been called a h**r by him, his friends. Accused of sleeping around which never happened.

Hannibal_Smith

Who's to say anyone else will find out? You're not going to tell anyone, would he?

It sounds similar to where I grew up where you know everyone your own age, but that doesn't make you mates. So you haven't caused any harm to anyone.

You've done nothing wrong. You haven't two timed anyone. You had sex with someone who was unattached. Are you sure its not just 'the fear' that has you worried?

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739698#Comment_120739698

No definitely not just the fear. I've got abuse from my exes family for far less.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739914#Comment_120739914

OK but again, who's to say they will find out? Either way, you are not in anyway answerable to the family of an ex. Its absolutely nothing to do with them and if they have a problem, firstly it's nothing to do with you and secondly they've little to be bothering them! Cut them out of your mind.

You're worrying about something that is no one else's business. What is the ex girlfriend going to do? Approach you to say she heard you had sex with her ex? How sad would she look if she did that? Or even your ex, they're going to give you abuse for having sex with someone when you broke up with their relative over a year ago??? That would make them look far far worse.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120739999#Comment_120739999

It's very hard for me not to feel like I did something awful. I spent two years being accused of cheating, looking at other men, walking on eggshells, being called "anybodys".

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120743201#Comment_120743201

I think no matter how many of us here tell you you've done nothing awful, and nothing wrong, the only way you're going to get past the hold your ex and his family seem to have over you is through continuing therapy. I think you already know this.

Best of luck.