Compliments and nice words

oddballpost

Looking for a bit of advise, i am a very complimentary person, if someone is wearing a nice dress i tell them, gets their hair done i say i like it. If i love you, i will tell you.

Boyfriend finds it hard. Will rarely say i look nice. We see each other a couple times a week only, we dont live together, so i like to tell him, im looking forward to seeing him or miss him. I never hear it back.

I explained a while back that im finding it hard not hearing these things, even occasionally , especially as most of our communication is by text so i can't "feel" the love. Maybe its an insecurity of mine. And he said now he feels forced to say these. I understand this, but sometimes we could be together for a whole weekend and i wouldn't hear i love you. Yet he insists he loves me and shows me by us chatting, going for dinner etc. I dont have sex for sex, i make love to a person i love. And in the bedroom now im feeling it. Since i told him i just need to hear nice words sometimes, theres zero. Nothing. Not even a kiss emoji😂

Reading this back is making me sad. I love him so much and we get on great, hes my best friend. But i suppose i want to hear im wanted.

xyz13

How old are you?!

oddballpost

Im old 😂 but when you havent been in a relationship for a few years to work on yourself, after previously being in one with a compulsive liar and cheat who messed up your whole life, it would be good to hear a few nice words or im loved now and then.

Its not nice when you say i love you and you dont hear it back, because he feels hes forced to say it. Yet he says his actions show it, but im not feeling it.

89897

My boyfriend is a little like this, its not something that comes naturally to him but his love language is just different. He does show me and make it feel loved everyday though.

Its a little concerning that you've talked to him about this and nothing has changed though, he could at least make somewhat of an effort. Regardless of if the word isnt said all the time you should be feeling loved and if thats not happening then its a different matter.

YellowLead

You definitely have different styles.

How long have you been together? A few months? Or more than a year?

You can’t change people at the end of the day and while he could make more of an effort because it’s something you need, it sounds like it doesn’t come naturally to him and nobody wants to feel forced.

I would be put off personally by having to say that stuff - but I’d find out early on if somebody was incompatible in that way that if was enough to be a deal breaker.

Since you have spoken about it and nothing has changed you just need to ask yourself are the other ways he shows you he cares not enough or do you absolutely need the words of affirmation? If it’s the latter it might be time to face the music because him saying he feels forced is not a good sign.

oddballpost

We are together quite a while and he did say nice things, then would stop if we had an argument. Whereas after an argument i want to reassure theres still love there, we dont have difference of opinions.

As i said previously we only meet a couple times a week. He also travels with work every few weeks so could be gone for 5 to 7 days at a time so its not like we live together (which wont happen for years) so i cant feel it in actions all the time.

Like i dont want constant compliments, that would drive me mental. Just a "im thinking of you".

And i dont want him to "have" to say these things, id like if he wanted to tell me. I am more of an emotional speaker, than he is i get that.

I just feel very unsure right now.

Thanks for your input.

Apiarist

And i dont want him to "have" to say these things, id like if he wanted to tell me.

I think it does not work like that. If you don't tell your BF that he must say nice things to you and do that often, then how would he know that you want it? Most men don't have the ability to read basic emotions, let alone thoughts in other people's heads.

YellowLead

Do you have some doubts that he does love you in general? Or is it literally that you prefer to be told rather than shown?

You don’t have to answer me that, but do be honest with your own self and trust your gut.

Irish_wolf

This sounds like my last relationship. She wanted constant verbal reassurance of my love which I found extremely unnatural and was a source of discomfort for me to have to do said performance on the regular, especially in front of others. Now I do admit I could have been more expressive and I certainly did up the compliments as she requested. However, if he's anything like me then he will feel that these comments he is now forced to say are no longer genuine and may prove to be a point of contention.

Obviously you deserve to feel loved and you are not feeling that with his current behaviour, he feels he has to force himself to say these things, presumably because he feels his love is displayed differently already. Have you considered a compromise? He is clearly a man of action, have you considered asking him how he would prefer to up his displays of affection? He might have an idea that is more naturally him that would satisfy both of you.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120685889#Comment_120685889

How long is "quite a while"? If we're talking less than a year than maybe he's just not quite "there" yet. If it's been more than a year then it sounds possible that he's just not that pushed, given you don't seem to see that much of eachother.

oddballpost

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120685920#Comment_120685920

I have a few times. I have made allowances for things that he needs that dont come naturally to me.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120686066#Comment_120686066

Over 2 years. We both have jobs, kids and he travels for work. Its because of time we dont see each other often.

Thanks for all your replies.

Im definitely going to chat about how he prefers to display his affection. Maybe then we can come to a compromise. Thank you

Goodigal

OP, I was in an 18 month relationship like that. I ended it for my own sake. I too wanted to hear nice things! I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to hear that he was looking forward to seeing me, that I looked good if we were going out, but it just didn't happen. He found it hard to accept compliments, and was awkward when I told him things I loved about him. So I never knew if he ever wanted to hear those things! But I still said them.

I didn't want to change him and told him how I felt, but he genuinely found it hard to say anything complimentary. He never said he loved me, just that he cared about me. For a long time, that was ok for me, but then I realised it wasn't, so I ended it with him despite loving him. It was really hard but best to leave him to it, and to look for someone more on my level, at ease with compliments and feeling loved. I don't regret him because he taught me what I do need or want in life. You need to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you. Good luck!

oddballpost

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120686167#Comment_120686167

Yes thats how i feel, want to feel wanted. However silly it may seem to someone else. Strangers, friends and work mates compliment me or tell me they love me more than my own partner.

Thank you for your reply, im going to have to have a good think for myself.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120686409#Comment_120686409

Kinda shallow though too or potentially so. Perhaps your next fella will shower you with compliments and tell you how fantastic you are and that he loves every bit of you etc. But behind your back, he's screwing every bit of skirt he can and showering them with compliments as well?

Your current fella who you like could be very decent, honest and reliable but not really in that space above. Possibly feels that if he has to say it, then he's faking it. Think it over.

oddballpost

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120687630#Comment_120687630

Point is, its not about being showered with compliments. Its about saying anything nice or even saying i love you. And yes he is a decent guy as i said hes my best friend and i love him.

But if someone says i love you and you dont hear it back, its hurts. And the reasoning is because he feels hes forced to.

Buddy Bubs

Read up about the 5 love languages, interesting when you relate it to your own relationship. Myself and herself have different ones and just have to make it work

I love giving gifts but not too big on receiving them to be honest but I am grateful. I told herself one time when dating that I'd choose an hour with her doing nothing like watching tv over a gift of a fancy watch or any other present she could buy me. I stand by that to this day. If you want to show me you love me, spend time with me and I'm happy

I also love doing things for her to make her life easier, simple things like a lift or picking up something we need but she sometimes complains I'm too independent and don't give her much chance to do it for me back. So I do try within reason to allow her do me favours.

I like saying I love you but it made her awkward like your fella so I don't do it too often and instead just show her

YellowLead

When you say you love him and he doesn’t say it back, is that via text or in person?

Buddy bubs post above is a good example of two people who love each other making it work with their different styles.

Many of own parents generation wouldn’t be saying “I love you” for love nor money 🤣🤣 especially the men, but it didn’t mean there wasn’t love. Especially if he’s an Irish lad. Don’t get him to say it if it’s not natural to him, just ask him to show how he loves you in the way that comes natural to him.

standardg60

If he doesn't tell you he loves you when you tell him, then he doesn't, simple as. He's happy to blame his own supposed awkwardness rather than have any regard for the real awkwardness you must feel saying it and not having it reciprocated.

Move on.

oddballpost

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120687812#Comment_120687812

Yes he would be very like this. More about time together than gifts etc.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120687845#Comment_120687845

Could be either, or sometimes its a muffled me too in return.

And yes i dont feel too sure he loves me anymore, i suppose.

Milly33

Kinda sounds like maybe you are looking for something.. Some people are affectionate and some are'nt in a relationship you have to accept others for all they are (well not the arseholes) otherwise you'll always be nit picking..Ye are differant, differant is good.. Must say I kinda think tis a little mean you asking him to change his ways becuase you like to say things it just cant be done and would drive him away..

oddballpost

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120689269#Comment_120689269

Yes and i agree and i accepted a lot of his ways, but at the start there was a lot texts/ compliments etc. I get this as you want someone to knownyou like them. Then they dwindled. And lately completely stopped. Its not even that side thats the worst, its the no i love you.

But it came to a head and he slipped up/ admitted that he stopped on purpose. Because of an argument a while back that i thought was sorted. He has been emotionally punishing me. He is purposefully not saying or doing things because he knows i like them. Im kind of shocked. While some of it is his way, his personality, this is a big game changer. Not telling me he loves me to hurt me over something small that happened ages ago.

I knew i wasn't going crazy.

Dial Hard

I'd be questioning whether this is a relationship worth staying in, OP. The above behaviour is extremely questionable in its own right and would have me considering my options anyway. But the fact that you're together two years with seemingly little to no change in his levels of interest in spending time with you, commitment etc. is also a bit of a red flag. I get that you're both busy, have children etc but seriously, have you (plural) *ever* had a conversation about where this is going? What's the long-term plan here, like? Stay living separately and seeing eachother once or twice a week forever??? I mean, if you're both happy with that, then great, work away. But you don't sound happy.

It sounds to me like he's had everything on his terms for the entire duration of this relationship. Wouldn't be for me. Relationships require compromise from both sides, not just one.

YellowLead

So what are his thoughts on the future? Has he said he needs time to get over the argument and build up the relationship again, or he has just said the argument isn’t resolved and he doesn’t feel the same anymore? Had he said he’s punishing you or are those your words? If he has said he is then there is no future for this - anybody who punishes is not an emotionally mature adult capable of a relationship.

oddballpost

When we have been meeting up up its all lovely on the outside chats holding my hand etc, but you get a gut feeling something isnt right. After an argument in my world, its discussed, apologise and move on. But obviously he doesnt. Which i only see now. So it could be weeks before i feel settled in my gut, and i now realise that because he still has anger in him, that is not discussed i am getting emotionally punished.

I said its hurting me when i say i love him and he doesnt reply. He said hes doing it on purpose because of the argument. Its been 3 weeks since then. We have been together a good 8 times since then. Weekends together. I said so you are emotionally punishing me since the argument and he said yes. I replied so how long does it take for things to be ok after an argument, or does it go indefinitely until you feel i have suffered enough?

The argument wasn't resolved on my side, as the issue still hasnt been rectified, but not once would i even consider my feelings change for him because of this.

Regarding spending time together, we both work long shifts. Our long term plan is for when our children are older. Nothing can change regarding that now due to our circumstances. It works for us.

Im kind of shook today, thanks for your replies. Need some sea, a walk and a very hard think.

YellowLead

It doesn’t sound like whatever this argument was has been resolved on either side - yours or his. On your part, pretending everything is okay and saying I love you isn’t the right thing to do when there are unresolved issues and on his part punishing you isn’t right either. Nothing will work until your resolve whatever this argument was about and you are both over it and have forgiven each other. If you can’t resolve it then there is no point in confining with it hanging in the air like a bad smell.

Milly33

Jes really, kick him to the curb.. Doing that is just not nice..

Goodigal

Why stay with someone who has admitted they're emotionally punishing you over an argument that happened weeks ago? You deserve better.

Big Bag of Chips

You two are completely different. It takes time in a relationship to really settle in and get to know the person. Now is the time you are settling in and really getting to know him. And it turns out he's not a particularly nice person. At first I was giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm married to someone who is not completely comfortable with their feelings or with affection, although over the years they have made attempts to get better at that sort of stuff! Your fella just doesn't seem bothered.

This is unlikely to get better. It is unlikely to change to be the relationship you need.

Tork

This is one of those threads where the subject line and original post aren't really what the problem is about. The first post could be read as two people who have different styles of communicating. It seems to be a relationship where one of you is more invested than the other. What's ringing loud alarm bells for me are your latest updates. The ones where he admits he's emotionally punishing you for an argument that happened weeks ago. I'm sorry but what sort of sh*t does that to anybody? I bet he wouldn't do that to his friends or his family or his boss or his colleagues. So why is it OK to treat you like this? Also, even if you resolve this it'll make you think twice about opening your mouth again. Which is exactly what he wants. Seriously OP, what are you getting out of this relationship over than a bit of companionship and the relief at not being single? He sounds awful and he is telling you exactly what he is. It's time you started listening.

HildaOgdenx

I agree with @Tork

Mind games are something I cannot stand in anyone, be it a potential friend, colleague, family member or partner. Telling you that he is punishing you deliberately, that would be the end for me.

It's a bit like sulking, imo, which is unattractive in a small child who will hopefully grow out of it. It's immature and despicable in an adult.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120694151#Comment_120694151

Could it not be the OP's partner had anger or resentment that he didn't know how to process and was doing this 'punishment' unconsciously as a flag waving exercise and only admitted what they were doing when the OP put words on it. I don't see the value in making a judgement on it, this is what has happened. Explore with your partner why and how it has happened and explore how you can not repeat this going forward. Resolve the original argument.

TheadoreT

You need to explore just what it is you think you like about him.

If you ask 100 women what they'd like in their ideal partner, and then ask them to explain the relationship where they felt the most spark, A and B very rarely correlate, and are actually usually poles apart.

The reality is, things that spark your emotions are very often what's lacking and not what's readily available. Having it too easy can be boring or non challenging. If you're in a regular state of anxiety about him like you seem to be here, the release of dopamine when times are good will feel incredible. This is what women attribute as spark or chemistry, and why so many can be in non fulfilling relationships on the whole but keep coming back for those dopamine hits and multiple orgasms.

Likelihood is he's not that special at all if you look at the cold hard facts. And he seems to be taking you for granted at the very least, and likely emotionally manipulating you for his own benefits.

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Gender generalisations are not welcome in this forum

Hannibal_Smith

He's explained why he's been like that for the last 3 weeks, but what about the time before that? If he's never been complimentary then there is still a disconnect there that's going to continue to be upsetting to you because in all this time he hasn't tried to meet you half way.

In fact hes using what he knows upsets you as a stick to beat you with by sulking for 3 weeks over an argument and deliberately punishing you for your part in the argument by withdrawing affection all that time. None of us are perfect and we all have our quirks but it doesn't mean all you have to endure it.

osarusan

The bit about him openly saying that he's punishing you for an argument seems much more of a concern than him not being comfortable verbalising affection.

Regarding that, unless his failure to verbalise make you doubt that he actually feel it, I don't see it as a huge problem, even if you'd like to hear it said.