Is this normal?

Durden_

Hi there, I’m someone who has a history of anxiety, but recently my stress/anxiety levels have gone through the roof. My work can get stressful in dealing with clients and my home life is equally stressful.

I am married with a young daughter and now try to leave work early (start early too) to get home and see my baby. I go through the evening/bedtime routine to give my wife a break. In the mornings I try to get up with my baby, feed her, go for a walk, all before work, so that my wife gets a lie in. Thing is I love spending time with my daughter so this is great.

The problem is that every day I will get criticised from my wife. Somedays it will be that I don’t do enough (which while I feel is unfair I know she does a lot), so I’ll try to do more. But when this isn’t an issue then something else irks my wife and I get an earful. I will be at work and get texts about something else I’ve done wrong. This was always there but has gone from maybe once a month to daily since we had a child. At first I put it down to stress of being a young mother, which I know is tough, but now it’s just gotten relentless. I can count on one hand the good days we’ve had over the past 3 to 4 months. 

I feel I am a good person, but I feel so useless now, it feels as each day my self worth is being chipped away at. I always try to be there for my wife/kid, I don’t socialise, I don’t go to events, I don’t meet up with friends, my life is basically work, look after my kid and maybe do DIY around the house. I am not expecting thanks for these things as I know I am a family man now, however it would be lovely if on top of this I wasn’t dealing with the stress of letting my wife down.

Stress levels are so high that death seems like a welcome escape, not that I would ever end my own life as I want to be there for my kid who I love. It is just tough to work a stressful job and then return to a stressful home.

I am not sure what I should do, or if I am over reacting.

Thanks for reading

Burned out and stressed.

First thing that strikes me here… is your wife possibly suffering from post-natal depression? It’s one of the most profound pregnancy related illnesses and is organic in cause, not just a natural reaction to a new stressor.

At its most extreme it can turn into a psychosis, but still entirely responsive to treatment. A friend of my mother’s got it extremely badly, suffered awful delusions , even hallucinations, and the family became endangered. This is an extreme example. My mother, an an outsider observer, interceded and called a doctor when she saw great danger, the day was saved and the friend made a complete recovery and family grew up very well. Happy ending.

https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/postnatal-depression/postpartum-psychosis/

This is very treatable but the person themselves may not consider they have an illness, so it can take a family or friends to help with discreet intervention. I doubt you are in any way to blame for anything here, and likely neither is your wife if such is the case.

YellowLead

How were things before baby arrived? Has there been a complete turn around in personality or was she always a little critical, over demanding?

Im sorry but if one parent is at home not working, then they should take the morning duties. You should be helping out in the evening after work and splitting the weekend baby efforts but not doing the volume you are doing, and you both deserve to get out to social events every now and then - you shouldn’t have to say no to all of them in the same way she should be catching up with her friends the odd evening or weekend. Does she have any friends?

Being a working parent is hard work but if you are lucky enough to have one parent at home instead of both working, then the at home parent should be the one to have less sleep because they can nap during the day when baby is napping, and also unless your role is manual labour you need the mental energy more.

Tefral

I'll echo the above posters.

Were things great before hand? I have witnessed first hand the effects and they are like a different person with Post Natal Depression. They actually dont even realise.

Babys when they come into a house can up end everything and you usually find a way through, but if you are finding some irrational person at the other end it can be a nightmare. I think you need to broach this sensatively with your wife. Do not just lay it all on her in an argument. You wont get through and it will make things worse. Suggest getting some blood work checked etc.

Are you still getting calls from the Public Health nurse? If not, its worth maybe calling the lady that called to your house for a chat yourself.

If it is PND, you need to get treatment for it.

I hope you will be Ok OP. This is a toughie but its manageable once you get the ball rolling.

JoChervil

I don’t meet up with friends, my life is basically work, look after my kid and maybe do DIY around the house.

OP, where is your wife in it? It looks like you shifted all emotions towards your kid, while neglecting your wife emotionally. I feel she is jealous and resentful. Her criticism is just a passive-aggressive expression of it. Your daughter shouldn't be the most important person to you. Your wife should, if your want a happy marriage. And your daughter will benefit from it as well learning how to create healthy relationships.

Try to find time only for your wife. Go on dates with her. It will be enough.

Dial Hard

How old is the baby?

Bobby_Bolivia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120658705#Comment_120658705

It doesn't look like that at all - given he has given his wifes happiness as a motivation to take on as much responsibility as possible in the home.

For you to tell him that he needs to be even better than he already is, that he needs to start adding date nights into his schedule of looking after the baby at morning and night, working all day, to avoid being verbally abused daily is some seriously, seriously misandrist crap.

Imagine the sexes were reversed - "My husband is at home all day, I help as much as I possibly can when I'm at home and I am working myself into the ground to provide for the family too. But my husband is constantly critical and abusive towards me, and constantly finds new ways to belittle me" - I'm sure JoChervil would be on here telling the woman that she just needs to do more for her man. Christ almighty.

PokeHerKing

If you're posting on boards about your issues you're already goosed in my honest opinion.

Nobody on here can truly know who is the bigger issue. Even if we knew you both intimately it would still be a biased opinion in one way or the other.

You're an adult that has managed to navigate life pretty well to this point. You should be able to rationally look at the situation and decide if its you that needs to step up a bit more or her that needs to chill out.

Once you decide that you can move forward. If its you its soleavable by your own actions, if its her then you confront it head on and have a discussion about it and it's up to her to improve.

If nothing improves then you move on with your life separately. Relationships are hard but when they're mutual there's always a way forward.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120659011#Comment_120659011

You didn't understand me. I am sure his wife would much prefer, if some DIY stuff was neglected or done by a paid aid and have her man back. Or hire a baby sitter and have a date. Some things might be exchanged not added to a load.

She is a woman, she needs love.

Hell is paved with good intentions. He is giving his wife happiness as he understands it, not in a way she might need.

YellowLead

It’s seems obvious OP, but have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel?

If you don’t think you can communicate how you feel to the person you are married to, there are far bigger problems at play here.

Did you have a loving marriage you felt was equal pre baby? Did you both want to get married and have a child and did you discuss and agree in advance that one would stay at home and what that might look like?

Another obvious bit of advice - but if your employer had an employee assistance programme you can book in a chat with a counsellor. Even if you only do it once - spending half an hour or a full hour just talking with an unbiased stranger can be a huge help and give you some clarity.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058298522/is-this-normal

Can see where you're coming from and no, you're not over reacting if that's a fair summation of the situation. Think you need to sit down with your wife and go through these things, explain that you think you are doing your best and finding it tough. But that it's even worse when you feel criticised for your efforts. Tell her how you feel, avoid saying 'You did this or You said that'. See what comes of it. Maybe she needs help as well and that will arise, are either sets of grandparents in touch and helping?

Purple Mountain

One thing that jumps out at me..

You seem to think that you can't have/don't deserve a life outside work and home.

How did you lose the friends and hobbies?

Aside from whatever happens with your wife, both of you need friends and escapes outside of home life.

No wonder you are stressed (aside from wife situation). You need to blow off steam somewhere.

In the meantime, can you take up a physical hobby?

Running? Gym? Team sport for fun like dad's 5 a side?

Esho

It is such a busy time when babies arrive. The upheaval is massive in terms of loss of personal time, lack of sleep and it can also bring up our own childhoods, family of origin, and learned parental styles which can cause stress.

Communication is absolutely essential in a relationship but particularly when times are so busy.

I'd agree with taking your wife on a date, out of the house and away from responsibilities and see if she relaxes any.

You will need to ask her why she is criticising you if it continues, to see what is actually eating her. From what you say, you are putting your back into all your responsibilities. But you need to look after yourself too.

If you can buy in help for cleaning, DIY etc, it's money well spent at this time.

Good luck amigo!

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058298522/is-this-normal

have seen someone closely going through this exact same situation for years.. they had same routine like you and gave 150% to the kids but only got criticism in response... what kept him going was the long term vision that kids will grow quickly and some of these issues will resolved soon as kids learn to take care of themselves..

also developing some sense of humor will help you get over the constant criticism issues.. watch some fun videos about husband wife relation ship ..some of those movies teaches one how to react in a humors way to partner's criticism and helps defuse the tension..

lastly please do not take the criticism and insults personally as its not you at fault but sometimes it could be post natal depression or NPD ..

CreadanLady

All i can think is that what you describe seems pretty much par for the course for being a married man with wife and children. That is simply the way things are for a lot of couples while the kids are small. Marriages are hard and they take work and sacrifice. That is why it is marriage, and not just whatever, handy easy time.

You are good to be helping and doing the baby sitting you do, and helping around the house and so on, and sacrificing your interests, friends, and so on. But I do feel you are pointing out these helpful things as plusses, which they are of course, but on the flipside she has also sacrificed all the same things and much more additionally too.

Having said that, your wife should realise that she probably has it considerably easier than her mother or grandmother. In previous generations the husbands would've thought you quite insane at the suggestion of babysitting, or helping out with the childcare - the raising of children and running the home was the wife's business, and the husbands contribution was to finance it all by bringing home the pay packet at the end of the week....if you were lucky - many many hubsands in those days could equally not come home on a friday, instead only re-emerging some days later penniless after squandering the wages on drink and backing horses. That was the lot of many wifes for decades, so despite her dissatisfaction, she does not know how lucky she has it.