Work joke gone on too far

bluepeter

I work directly with a small group of people and there has been a joke between us for a few months.

I am a single female and I get alot of slagging for talking to male members of staff. People joking and saying I'm flirting and I'm a slapper. If I go to the toilet at all, they say I'm out in someone's office getting my hole. We had lunch at a restaurant a few weeks ago and the joke was that I was playing with the manager under the table (which never happened). I know they are joking and don't mean anything they say.

The thing is the joking went too far and they started joking in front of others. So now my supervisor knows and has told my manager that I like him, which I don't (he's married with kids).

How do I get this to stop because I'm getting fed up with it all?

Meeoow

Sounds more like harassment than a joke. Are they men who are doing this? If so, it is discrimination. Can you tell them to stop?

If not, go to HR and go formal.

Allinall

Just say it straight out to your joking colleagues that you think the slagging has gone far enough and you’re not comfortable with it any more.

If it doesn’t stop, then it becomes something more serious, and would warrant a complaint to your manager, or HR.

YellowLead

When you say ‘there has been a joke between us’ did you engage in it as much as they did? Just wondering, because if so they may think you enjoy it and think it’s funny if you’ve joined in.

If not, either say it to them as a group or perhaps one on one, ‘do you know what - you might be only messing but those jokes about me being a slapper or fancying x actually make me feel uncomfortable and I’d really rather they stopped’. If it doesn’t stop when you ask, have chat with your direct manager /owner if there is no HR.

Augme

Say it to them first. Would strongly advise not going to HR as the first port of call.

bluepeter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120343726#Comment_120343726

Yes I did engage in it as much as they did. I knew they were only joking.

But I feel like it's getting too much now. And a supervisor that is telling my manager that I like them as well. But she's not telling him about the rest of jokes that people are coming out with. So all this seems to be on me.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120344272#Comment_120344272

I suppose your issue is really with the supervisor who is telling the manager you like them. The rest were just participating with you in what they thought you enjoyed, until it went too far. Just speak to her and ask her to confirm to the manager that she was only joking, if you can’t trust her maybe just bring it up with him yourself. The only way to sort it is to talk about it.

A friend of mine, also single female, highly skilled, highly experienced software engineer joined an all male team and was subjected to similar harassment, and thats what it is, ultimatelyshe left the company, because when she asked them to drop it, they got defensive, and then aspertions were cast on her capabilities. Her supervisor told her it was not appropriate for her to be engaging in such things in the work place.

Tell the guys you dont find it funny any more and ask them to drop it, but if it doesn't stop, a chat with HR will be needed.

Count Dracula

I would leave.

I am sorry this got out of hand.

Never ever tolerate anyone making fun of you at work, you are not there for someone else's amusement?

What you have been experiencing is nothing short of sexual harassment I would consider suing the sleazy phuckers, I mean that.

The next time a word of it is mentioned I would say something like " would you speak to your sister that way?" , that should put a stop to it, if it doesn't start recording everything, leave and then sue them.

anewme

It’s actually bullying OP, they are laughing at you in plain sight.

Break up the group think. I would call them aside on a one to one basis and tell them it stops. Not everyone will be aware it’s getting to you and those who do thinkit’s banter will realise and stop.

if it does not stop , HR route.

AMKC

That sounds terrible. Sorry you have to go through that. It is sexual harassment. Either tell them it stops as it has gone to far and is no longer funny. If that does not stop them then go to HR and to the courts if nothing is still done but try and get some recordings of the harresment for evidence first. Then start looking for a job elsewhere and leave.

It's not good for you and its not fair on you.

There is nothing wrong with being single but you should be allowed to be happy and do your job in a happy and safe environment too.

bluepeter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120343713#Comment_120343713

It's actually not men doing the slagging. Like, I can take a joke but telling people I like them when I don't is just embarrassing. And I think it has gone on too far.

blackbox

+1 for sorting it out with your colleagues and supervisor.

HR is there to protect the company. Sometimes this may coincide with your interests, but don't bank on it.

Jim_Hodge

Just talk to the supervisor and explain it's an ongoing joke and not specifically about the manager. The supervisor should never have said it to the manager in the first place and should now go and explain it was part of a bit a banter .

Mrs OBumble

The supervisor is useless: behaviour should have been nipped in the bud as not work-place appropriate as soon as it started.

I'd look for a new job with competent people.

growleaves

They're hustling you. Diminishing your professional reputation helps to increase their own position.

Tell them to cut it out one way or another.

martingriff

I sucks what had happened. You had a private joke between colleagues which because it was private you were okay with it (I am guessing). Now it is public too many are knowing it is embarrassing as someone (and it can happen) will get the wrong idea.

I would talk to your colleagues tell them its gone too far and now its gone too fast. If you colleagues are really that friendly and were only messing they will have no problem either stopping it or toning it back but I would say stop it.

Your supervisor is a different story they should not have gone to the manager and said what they did. You need to have a conversation with them about it.

If all above fails then go to HR

gameoverdude

In future, don't engage. I mean a different topic or "banter".

Work is work. Keep everyone at arms length.

I'm not blaming you. If your manager raised concerns, take it seriously. Have a word.

Take this as a learning experience. You partook. I'm sure you gave as well as you took. They're colleagues not mates.

Purple Mountain

You were happy to go along with the jokes until you became the butt of one.

You all sound complicit so I think it's gone past the point of being able to tell them you don't like it.

polysteamtoken

Start fighting fire with fire. Make jokes about how their wives don't mind you flirting with them. Better yet inform their wives how they joke and sexually harass you I'm sure they will be very interested in what their husbands get up to during work. I'd they still don't leave you alone go bigger. It's only a joke right? So play along and make them the center of attention instead.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347365#Comment_120347365

You want to create a drama. Absolutely bonkers advice.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347365#Comment_120347365

The "jokers" are female though.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347365#Comment_120347365

Don't do this!

893bet

I can’t believe people thought it was men saying this about women. That kinda things only happens in a movie. No chance on earth in any work place a group of men who talk openly like that these day.

OP, are these people “friends who have taken the joke too far” if so, then pull them aside 1 by 1 and explain your situation and current thoughts. Given you “egged” it on at the start you owe them a chance to stop.

or if they are a shower of fake friends who are bullying you opening and saying god knows when you are not there then that’s a difference story. No advice for that one.

Meeoow

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347534#Comment_120347534

Men absolutely do say these things about women. I am a woman who works mostly with men. The things they come out with are unprofessional and discriminatory. I had to call one of them out a few weeks ago and he told me I can't take a joke and went off sulking and has been really passive aggressive with me since.

bluepeter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120347365#Comment_120347365

They're women doing the joking and even if it was men, I wouldn't do this.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120345014#Comment_120345014

I would consider that very embarassing and uncomfortable. I’m as full of banter as any of the “lads” (I’m a woman), but some people sort of see what they think is truth hidden in a joke, that’s what would make me especially uncomfortable about it.

bluepeter

I'm just sick of it all. It started of as a joke saying I was into some guy in work and then I was moving onto the rest of the men in work. I can't pick up anything of the floor without someone thinking I'm slut dropping, I'm meant to use my legs to lift things, and not use my back.

Someone new started a few weeks ago and she treated me like I was a teenage girl after the manager had just left the room. It was embarrassing and she didn't care. Now my supervisor has told him I like him.

It's just too much now and I am fed up with it.

Augme

You need to stand up for yourself. If someone new is giving it to you then you are probably giving off a vibe that you are an easy target. Worth working on dealing with your assertiveness in general and it will help in every facet.

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120348189#Comment_120348189

Not disputing that but it's not relevant to this topic.

Meeoow

Are you a mod now?