Caught him cheating

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125297#Comment_120125297

Well I could absolutely come across as arrogant, when I clearly said in my initial comment that I was mean due to being hurt and that's the reason why I said what I said...people do say mean things in situations like this...and I make no apology over that at all.

"Told him if he really wants someone else, to at least get someone with a better career than mine, earning more money, bigger house, prettier, smarter, younger (she seemed to be in hear later 40's, maybe early 50's) etc etc etc .... I was being mean as I was so upset and angry".

I am not looking for excuses for him...he is a dog full stop. I am just bewilder of the choice I guess and dont understand it. That's all.

yourdeadwright

Leave him & do it now,

Your lucky you get that option with no kids,

Look be honest the only people want to stay is having to start again & the Shame( there is none) of telling people you broke up & what happened ,As everyone wants a picture perfect relationship , People are afraid of the unknow, ,

None of this is your fault or on you, just leave & in 2 months you'll be delighted you did,

Plenty of fish in the sea just be strong & make that break ,

A one night thing can be over looked or worked through everyone is human & messes up once but an affair can not be fixed in my opinion ,

Girl Geraldine

It's over. Finish it. Block him and delete his number.

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125318#Comment_120125318

Not making any excuses...as a matter of fact I am warning potential victims actually.

Kurooi

Okay OP here got cheated out of a 7 year relationship, crap talking the mistress on an anonymous forum is a pretty calm response as that goes.

Pardon her for a bit of a vent, even if mean spirited.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125340#Comment_120125340

Be careful here op, by directing your anger and blame towards her you are effectively making excuses for your ex, it's the first step down the road of giving him another chance because sure he's the victim here.

She didn't cheat on you, he did, remember that. He's already gaslighted you, telling you it's your fault he had an affair, no doubt he's also very happy to portray himself as the victim of some man-eater.

Run, and don't look back, the only person you should be warning people about is him.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125340#Comment_120125340

So who is the victim? Are you the victim of your partner or is he the poor victim of the jewelry loving "prostitute" cleaner? It is not clear.

I think she is irrelevant to you and you'd be better off not focusing on her at all.

sniperman

i went through a similar but much worse situation I was with her for 30 years, drink was also involved,cheating,assaults,mental torture,she was my first,i let it go on for years,i wasted my life with her,the last time she cheated i said enough was enough,i ended it,wont go into details,but now on my own for 4 years,dont know if ill ever trust again. i know how op feels,but listen,there are good,kind,and trusting people out there,its just hard to find one,dont live in misery,life is too short, also better living on your own,than with the wrong person

Anna2834

My anger is directed at both I guess…she would have seen my things there (female products, clothes, pics etc) and she actually left makeup in the house (I found it) as he brought her to the house when she insisted she wanted to see where he lives (so I was told).

Guess I am really upset. Cant help it!

marilynrr

..he said he only saw her a few times and that they didn't have a proper intimate relationship.

He would say that. The rule tends to be to only admit to the bare minimum that you have to.

5 days after you found out he was trying to contact her again, but she had blocked him. God knows what he would have got up to if she had replied.

Once again he kept begging me that it was a stupid mistake and that he was drunk when he texted her, but that nothing happened. He actually said "but I didn't do anything wrong" when I found out about the messaging again.

It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice, a choice he made fully aware of the potential consequences and how much it would hurt you because you had only confronted him a few days previous to that. He has no respect for you.

As for saying he didn't do anything wrong. He knows he did but is too much of an asshole to admit it, again he has no respect for you, bad enough to do it but it's even worse again to try to make out it's no big deal.

I am so angry with myself for giving him another chance...he keeps calling and apologising but I don't think he means it, it just seems a process he is going though...I do honestly believe he was in love with her and still is, or maybe infatuated - something along those lines.

I don't know what to do...see where it goes or just walk away.

If you're angry at yourself now, imagine how angry you'd feel if you take him back when he does it again.

I really despise people who beg for another chance and then do the same thing again. It's really just such low behaviour.

Indeed I agree, the paranoia is getting to me big time. He called me a b***h and said I am just as bad as the detectives (in his job). My tactics are quite impressive...his words not mine.

Typical, gives you reason not to trust him and then tries to shame you for not trusting him.

I also wouldn't call it paranoia, you're not paranoid if it's true.

His reason for seeing someone else was that I didn't want to get married or have kids. It is not the case at all...and when he was confronted with the truth and reminded of the several discussion had over the years, he backed down and admitted he was wrong...then said its because he was afraid of commitment

Gaslighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is from South America...cleaner, but not working at the moment...learning english here from what I understood.

I explained to him what was going on and that she was using him...sad part is...she is so ugly...he wa being hustled for use of a better word.

No one but the 2 people involved in a dynamic understand what they have together. Her motives don't matter, what matters is you think he was in love/infatuated with her, that means daydreaming, fantasising about, thinking of ways to make her laugh and smile, loving lots of things about her.

I have to say he seemed very sorry for what had happened...or he is just a very good actor.

Someone could have had what looked like a full on mental breakdown in front of you and still be lying!

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124984#Comment_120124984

I hope that this doesn't seem too harsh, but you were together for seven years while you want chldren and marriage. That's a long time to be waiting, so maybe it's time to move on regardless of whether he is contrite and genuine.

Let this relationship go, and look again, hopefully you'll find someone that is a better match for what you want and need.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125555#Comment_120125555

This guy is running rings around you.

He tells you they didn't have a "proper, intimate" relationship, yet he brings her to his home and you found her makeup in his place?

And you're anger is directed at her?

Come on. Stop fooling yourself.

Jarhead_Tendler

He sounds like a waster and a piece of ****. Don't waste any more time on him. There are nice men out there who won't walk all over you

Anna2834

@[Deleted User] like I said above…both! Its directed at both! Clearly he is the main problem but if I was going to a mans place and see female products I would definitely start asking questions and ensure I get a full explanation. One thing is for sure, I would not be leaving my stuff in their place!

I agree I got played!

Count Dracula

Dump him.

He doesn't care about you anymore, I am sorry.

The more chances or opportunities you give him the more you are hurting yourself at this point, stop doing that?

seamusk84

No kids and no mortgage together - Go now and block him completely.

Absolute best decision you could make and a year down the line you will be delighted you did it. Don’t entertain his nonsense, you are better thank that.

Good luck.

Murph85

A woman in her late thirties and doesn't want marriage or kids ? That's many mens dream. Forget this lad, nightmare stuff... if you don't value and respect yourself, others wont...

The fact he's an alcoholic is the icing on the cake...

PommieBast

This sounds so much like a previous story posted a while back, which in short was drunken texting of an ex while about 8 years into a relationship. Once it becomes clear a "few" messages is more than that it is game over as far as trust is concerned.

walshb

7 years together, not living together, not married, no children. Sounds like a very casual connection/relationship. Get rid of him, unless you’re fine with this type of relationship

Anna2834

Trust me I tried…honestly I did! Didn’t even want an expensive ring, nor a big wedding I was actually happy for something small and intimate.

Tried to move in with him, family got involved (long story again)!

I wanted kids but it was never the right time, then all of a sudden he drops this shite on me that I somehow hate kids and I don’t want them!

Airyfairy12

So sorry to hear this and starting off in the new year too, it must have been such an awful blow! From experience, there are chances he's done it before throughout the years and you never found out about it, he lied to you very easily which would insinuate it's not the first time but it's better you find out now rather than another 7 years down the line. You sound more angry and hurt over the woman he cheated with and not the cheating itself or youre comparing yourself to her and coming to the conclusion that she is a bad natured, poor, ugly, uneducated middle aged south American woman while you are younger, prettier with more going for you, and he is the stupid one who got the wool pulled over his eyes because he was drinking and didnt know what he was doing. I can understand how in the short term these thoughts will make you feel better and might be some way of consoling yourself or gripping at straws but really youre not looking at the reality of the situation. He lied & cheated and spoke to you abusively which shows how immature he is and at 40+ he's not likely to change his behaviour. Liars lie and for all you know he lied and manipulated that less well off, older woman into thinking she could have some security with him, you know him 7 years and he fooled you so he's going to be able and willing to fool others too. This isnt about you or the other woman, its all about him and the type of person he is. If thats not the type of person you want in your life, all you can do is leave him.

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120126455#Comment_120126455

I think this relationship is habit. Understandable.

It can be very difficult to break even a “bad” thing, or a pointless thing. We are creatures of habit, routine and familiarity.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120126416#Comment_120126416

Whatever it is, its dead and buried. I think OP is looking for reassurance at this stage.

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120127091#Comment_120127091

Spot on. But very difficult to reassure when you read the details.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120127096#Comment_120127096

That's true. Could also find it hard to move after such a long time. I think OP needs to accept the fact its over however hard that may be if she already hasn't. There's clearly no future together and her trust is broken maybe broken for good and no coming back after that.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120126178#Comment_120126178

That woman didn't betray you though.

He did.

And you gave him another chance

And he betrayed you again. The woman stayed clear that time

And then you were considering giving him a third chance!

Directing anger towards her is pointless and won't help you, but if you direct it ALL at him you might be less likely to soften towards him again.

When your angry thoughts turn to her, redirect, redirect and redirect them back to him every time. It doesn't matter what she did or didn't do. He cheated.

Anna2834

Thanks everyone for your advice. As hard as it was to read I agree with most of you. Its over, move on. As a matter of fact I don’t think I have a choice anyway. Good news is Ive registered on Tinder last night, might even put my profile up on POF.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - As the issue for which the thread was opened appears to be resolved, I will close the thread.

Thanks to all who offered advice to the OP.

Hilda