Caught him cheating

Anna2834

I have been with my partner for about 7 years, long story short I have found out he was seeing someone for the last 4 months of 2022. She broke it off with him herself once she saw she wasn't able to get money off him...I found their messages on the 1st of January 2023...he said he only saw her a few times and that they didn't have a proper intimate relationship. The evening I found out, I left the house immediately (we don't live together, long story there also) and he kept begging for me to give him a second chance. I said that I need to see some changes, the drinking must stop as the problems in our relationship started when he started going out drinking again. If I see some changes I would be inclined to see if we can make it work. All this was happening on the 1st of January 2023, on the 15th of January 2023, I found out again he was texting her...one text around the 5th of Jan and the other around the 11th of Jan...one of them being on whatsapp. No reply from the so called woman as she had blocked him...given he wasn't parting with money and wasn't treating her to expensive jewellery as she requested (I have seen the messages etc).

Once again he kept begging me that it was a stupid mistake and that he was drunk when he texted her, but that nothing happened. He actually said "but I didn't do anything wrong" when I found out about the messaging again.

I am so angry with myself for giving him another chance...he keeps calling and apologising but I don't think he means it, it just seems a process he is going though...I do honestly believe he was in love with her and still is, or maybe infatuated - something along those lines.

I don't know what to do...see where it goes or just walk away.

I am in my later 30's and he is mid 40's. We do not have kids & we do not live together.

My mind is telling me to run, and my heart is telling me to maybe give him a third chance.

SteM

How can he have any respect for you if he's trying to contact another woman after you've already confronted him about cheating? You won't want to hear this but you'll be better off in the long run finishing up imho. You have no kids and your own place, it would be a much more difficult decision to make if there were kids involved.

darragh o meara

As a man who went through the same thing almost 2 years ago.. If he was serious about making an effort you would know he was. I had a much longer relationship with my ex and once I found out she was cheating my trust was gone. We tried to fix things but in the end she had no interest in doing anything to fix the issue.

If I were you, Id save myself the trauma of trying to fix the issue and ending up in a worse situation than you are currently in and send him packing, you will never get over the trust problems. If he was serious about repairing the damage there is no way he would have text her again or even had her number on his phone..

Trust me, the trauma of dealing with "Why did he cheat on me?" is a lot less than "Why did he cheat on me?" added to "Why didnt he try fix this?"

Anna2834

I am just so disappointed...and yes I do not trust him at all....constantly paranoid that he is trying to get in contact with her...etc

He wants to meet today at lunch time and I am seriously thinking of telling him this isn't going to work, as I cant constantly check phones...or see where he goes...I will end up...locked up.

Markcheese

Cancel the lunch , tell him you've better things to do with your time , don't grieve the relationship - go out and live ..

SAMTALK

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124029#Comment_120124029

I'm afraid there is no coming back from this. You also said he started drinking again . It seems his drinking is also an issue ?

If the trust is gone it is difficult to get it back and do you really want to spend your time being paranoid ?

o1s1n

If you're in a position where you feel like you've to constantly check his phone then there really is zero trust and you're better off ending it.

Be careful meeting him, sounds like he's desperate to try to convince you to get back with him. That's the only purpose of that meeting from his side.

Anna2834

I wish we could have worked it out, I was actually willing to give him another chance. His reason for seeing someone else was that I didn't want to get married or have kids. It is not the case at all...and when he was confronted with the truth and reminded of the several discussion had over the years, he backed down and admitted he was wrong...then said its because he was afraid of commitment....I actually couldn't stop laughing when he said that (a very angry/nervous laugh I might say).

I guess its very clear that no matter what I try and do, more than likely he will do it again...and I shall be wasting my time.

theteal

I'm sorry, it's not going to be easy but you have to walk away from that. You gave him a chance to re-establish trust and he failed at the first hurdle. As above, don't grieve for that relationship, be thankful to get out of it.

Kurooi

Him cheating on you is not an opportunity to improve him.

He got caught and still defends himself, and tries again. He can't even see that him trying his luck with other women is cheating, he tries to persuade you that it's OK because the woman didn't want to sleep with him. If he had either the charm or the money to bed other women he would. That's all that stopped him from getting to this one.

Your call, just know that this will likely happen again in the future, and if he lucks out you'll be the one that gets dumped.

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124121#Comment_120124121

The last line of your comment was exactly what I was thinking...if she comes back or if he meets anyone again...yes I shall be the one in tears again.

darragh o meara

BTW, if ye do fix the situation and he tries it again, he will know all the tactics you used to catch him this time and you can be sure he will make sure you cant use them again to catch him out.

Sadly nowadays its so easy to delete and message or hide things and the paranoia will be too much.

Anna2834

Indeed I agree, the paranoia is getting to me big time. He called me a b***h and said I am just as bad as the detectives (in his job). My tactics are quite impressive...his words not mine.

Guess its better if I walk away...rather be upset for a while than locked up.

Brid Hegarty

What kind of a girl was he involved with that she is demanding expensive jewellery? It seems like she is trying to use him!

Thoie

Harsh way to think about it, but it's a "him" problem, not a "you" problem. You can't fix it, you can't make him better, that's up to him, and at his age, when you're not living together, don't have kids, just walk off and let him sort himself out. He needs to give a lot of thought to his own feelings around commitment, or lack thereof, and you can't force him to do that.

It's natural that you'll feel some sense of loss after 7 years. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't wallow in it. It's the difference between recognising what you had, versus grieving for "what might have been", if that makes sense.

Anna2834

She is from South America...cleaner, but not working at the moment...learning english here from what I understood.

I explained to him what was going on and that she was using him...sad part is...she is so ugly...he wa being hustled for use of a better word.

Told him if he really wants someone else, to at least get someone with a better career than mine, earning more money, bigger house, prettier, smarter, younger (she seemed to be in hear later 40's, maybe early 50's) etc etc etc .... I was being mean as I was so upset and angry!

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

You need to walk away, permanently, or you will be living on this rollercoaster until you do.

ratracer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124199#Comment_120124199

I know you are quite rightly mad and angry, but don’t stop to his level and resort to catty names with the other woman.

You are very lucky that you have the chance to get out of this relationship and make a complete clean break without children or joint mortgages/ loans involved.

From a male point of view, it would seem like he doesn’t want to change. You’ve given him a chance and it appears it’s been thrown back in your face, so not only is there no trust on your side, there is obviously no respect on his side.

I can imagine the loss of what you had and the feeling of wasting 7 years of your life is weighing heavily on your mind, but you didn’t cause this. But if you let him back in after a second chance, it will likely happen again and again, and then where does that leave you? Get out of the relationship, block him on all SM platforms and try get on with life.

Good luck with it, at the moment I imagine it feels like sh1t, but it will get better.

Galaxy00

As a person who was in a similar situation to yourself, giving into my feelings rather than self love and self respect, the guy never changed though i learnt that by giving him a 2nd chance, you have to do you but whatever happens, i hope you have a good support system behind you. Im very sorry this has happened to you but it's a blessing you found out,even If it doesn't feel like that now.

Just to add, it's your partner in the wrong, not the other woman so try not to misplace the anger and project it onto her, it was your partner who was meant to be in a committed relationship, not the other woman

TheadoreT

So this woman isn't even good looking or into him and he's chasing her like puppy dog? Your relationship means that little to him that he's risking it for that? And he drinks too much? You've got yourself a real good one there OP.

Obviously these thing are harder when you're caught up in love but my god OP hopefully one day you'll look back at this and laugh at yourself from embarrassment out of what you put up with.

YellowLead

Cheats (and trues to blame you), lies about it, calls you names, has a drinking problem.

Im sorry but just because it’s been 7 years doesn’t mean there is ANY merit in hanging on to this disrespectful weakling.

Move on, you deserve better.

Anna2834

I think I shall be taking some time away. I ended up meeting him for lunch and it felt so awkward and uncomfortable, I didn't even want to be there. Don't know why I even put myself through that in the first place.

I have to say he seemed very sorry for what had happened...or he is just a very good actor.

I am disappointed that it ended this way after 7 years...

laoisgem

The only thing worse than being with this man for 7 years is, being with this man for 7 years and a day!

Block and move on, you deserve better.

ratracer

As would be common questions on here regarding relationships:

1) Have you told family/ close friends all of the things you’ve said here. If you did, what did they advise you to do? ( don’t answer that here, just consider it for yourself) If you didn’t, why haven’t you (again, don’t answer here)

2) If a family member/ friend came to you and showed to you and asked about the same situation, what would you be telling them to do?

Nobody on here knows all the in’s and out’s of your situation, but you are making excuses for him/ meeting him. That to me sounds like you still want the relationship to succeed. If you continue on, you must know deep down you are letting yourself in for future heart break again and again.

Anna2834

@ratracer my family knows...my close friends know...some close work colleagues know. If a family member came to me with the same problem, more than likely I would tell them to run but do consider everything.

Indeed you are correct, there are always 3 sides to a story (mine, his and the truth)...he said to me the reason why he went out with her was because I was always giving out to him lately .... that is true, I was telling him to stop going out drinking...that its destroying him and affecting his job and our relationship. Also he complained about the fact that I didn't move in with him (how can I when his family moved in a close relative with him before asking me anything), that I am not getting on with his family (I don't with his mum as she was very rude to me) same in regards to his sister. This is why I don't understand why he keeps wanting to stay with me when he clearly points out the issues we are having. He did say to me that he should have been more supportive when his mother and sister were rude to me and he should not have allowed them to get away with everything they said to me. He also admitted he should not have allowed his family to make decisions on his behalf regarding his own home and who lives there. HE IS A MOMMY'S BOY.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124984#Comment_120124984

The right thing and the hard thing are usually the same thing...anything else and you're only trying to fool yourself.

doitlikeadude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124199#Comment_120124199

I'm embarrassed for your comment.

She didn't cheat on you he did. Her professional, looks and where she is from have nothing to do with it.

He seems 'sorry' I'm sure he does. Don't they all.

Panthro

Bottom line, When there's no trust its relationship bust.

Close the chapter, block delete destroy all evidence of him. Focus on yourself. Ask yourself what have you learned and what can you do to move forward.

Best of luck.

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125153#Comment_120125153

I don't really care if you are embarrassed for my comment. I answered a simple question. I wasn't racist in any way, I was just saying what she does and where she is from...no issues there....plus she was asking for jewellery after meeting someone for 4 months, that to me is called prostitution, on a different level, but that's just my opinion. A respectable women doesn't hang around pubs on her own looking for potential victims. And yes he is in the wrong I agree, but at the same time I have no respect for women who do that sort of thing...and when i start dating a guy I do make sure he doesnt actually have a significant other.

CoolTwatster

The above comment is a very arrogant one. What is it that you do that’s considered a great career? Sounds very much like you’re making excuses for your cheating ex right there- it was the other woman’s inappropriate behaviour they caused all this, her being a prostitute on the lookout for victims. She didn’t make sure he was single etc. you are ready to give him third , fourth and so on chance - after all, it is her who does ‘that sort of thing’

Donald Trump

I don't see any relevance of the other woman looking for X or Y.

Her motivations or not should be of no concern to the OP.

Denigrating the other woman is simply making excuses for the man who cheated.

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125297#Comment_120125297

Well I could absolutely come across as arrogant, when I clearly said in my initial comment that I was mean due to being hurt and that's the reason why I said what I said...people do say mean things in situations like this...and I make no apology over that at all.

"Told him if he really wants someone else, to at least get someone with a better career than mine, earning more money, bigger house, prettier, smarter, younger (she seemed to be in hear later 40's, maybe early 50's) etc etc etc .... I was being mean as I was so upset and angry".

I am not looking for excuses for him...he is a dog full stop. I am just bewilder of the choice I guess and dont understand it. That's all.

yourdeadwright

Leave him & do it now,

Your lucky you get that option with no kids,

Look be honest the only people want to stay is having to start again & the Shame( there is none) of telling people you broke up & what happened ,As everyone wants a picture perfect relationship , People are afraid of the unknow, ,

None of this is your fault or on you, just leave & in 2 months you'll be delighted you did,

Plenty of fish in the sea just be strong & make that break ,

A one night thing can be over looked or worked through everyone is human & messes up once but an affair can not be fixed in my opinion ,

Girl Geraldine

It's over. Finish it. Block him and delete his number.

Anna2834

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125318#Comment_120125318

Not making any excuses...as a matter of fact I am warning potential victims actually.

Kurooi

Okay OP here got cheated out of a 7 year relationship, crap talking the mistress on an anonymous forum is a pretty calm response as that goes.

Pardon her for a bit of a vent, even if mean spirited.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125340#Comment_120125340

Be careful here op, by directing your anger and blame towards her you are effectively making excuses for your ex, it's the first step down the road of giving him another chance because sure he's the victim here.

She didn't cheat on you, he did, remember that. He's already gaslighted you, telling you it's your fault he had an affair, no doubt he's also very happy to portray himself as the victim of some man-eater.

Run, and don't look back, the only person you should be warning people about is him.

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125340#Comment_120125340

So who is the victim? Are you the victim of your partner or is he the poor victim of the jewelry loving "prostitute" cleaner? It is not clear.

I think she is irrelevant to you and you'd be better off not focusing on her at all.

sniperman

i went through a similar but much worse situation I was with her for 30 years, drink was also involved,cheating,assaults,mental torture,she was my first,i let it go on for years,i wasted my life with her,the last time she cheated i said enough was enough,i ended it,wont go into details,but now on my own for 4 years,dont know if ill ever trust again. i know how op feels,but listen,there are good,kind,and trusting people out there,its just hard to find one,dont live in misery,life is too short, also better living on your own,than with the wrong person

Anna2834

My anger is directed at both I guess…she would have seen my things there (female products, clothes, pics etc) and she actually left makeup in the house (I found it) as he brought her to the house when she insisted she wanted to see where he lives (so I was told).

Guess I am really upset. Cant help it!

marilynrr

..he said he only saw her a few times and that they didn't have a proper intimate relationship.

He would say that. The rule tends to be to only admit to the bare minimum that you have to.

5 days after you found out he was trying to contact her again, but she had blocked him. God knows what he would have got up to if she had replied.

Once again he kept begging me that it was a stupid mistake and that he was drunk when he texted her, but that nothing happened. He actually said "but I didn't do anything wrong" when I found out about the messaging again.

It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice, a choice he made fully aware of the potential consequences and how much it would hurt you because you had only confronted him a few days previous to that. He has no respect for you.

As for saying he didn't do anything wrong. He knows he did but is too much of an asshole to admit it, again he has no respect for you, bad enough to do it but it's even worse again to try to make out it's no big deal.

I am so angry with myself for giving him another chance...he keeps calling and apologising but I don't think he means it, it just seems a process he is going though...I do honestly believe he was in love with her and still is, or maybe infatuated - something along those lines.

I don't know what to do...see where it goes or just walk away.

If you're angry at yourself now, imagine how angry you'd feel if you take him back when he does it again.

I really despise people who beg for another chance and then do the same thing again. It's really just such low behaviour.

Indeed I agree, the paranoia is getting to me big time. He called me a b***h and said I am just as bad as the detectives (in his job). My tactics are quite impressive...his words not mine.

Typical, gives you reason not to trust him and then tries to shame you for not trusting him.

I also wouldn't call it paranoia, you're not paranoid if it's true.

His reason for seeing someone else was that I didn't want to get married or have kids. It is not the case at all...and when he was confronted with the truth and reminded of the several discussion had over the years, he backed down and admitted he was wrong...then said its because he was afraid of commitment

Gaslighting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She is from South America...cleaner, but not working at the moment...learning english here from what I understood.

I explained to him what was going on and that she was using him...sad part is...she is so ugly...he wa being hustled for use of a better word.

No one but the 2 people involved in a dynamic understand what they have together. Her motives don't matter, what matters is you think he was in love/infatuated with her, that means daydreaming, fantasising about, thinking of ways to make her laugh and smile, loving lots of things about her.

I have to say he seemed very sorry for what had happened...or he is just a very good actor.

Someone could have had what looked like a full on mental breakdown in front of you and still be lying!

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120124984#Comment_120124984

I hope that this doesn't seem too harsh, but you were together for seven years while you want chldren and marriage. That's a long time to be waiting, so maybe it's time to move on regardless of whether he is contrite and genuine.

Let this relationship go, and look again, hopefully you'll find someone that is a better match for what you want and need.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120125555#Comment_120125555

This guy is running rings around you.

He tells you they didn't have a "proper, intimate" relationship, yet he brings her to his home and you found her makeup in his place?

And you're anger is directed at her?

Come on. Stop fooling yourself.

Jarhead_Tendler

He sounds like a waster and a piece of ****. Don't waste any more time on him. There are nice men out there who won't walk all over you

Anna2834

@[Deleted User] like I said above…both! Its directed at both! Clearly he is the main problem but if I was going to a mans place and see female products I would definitely start asking questions and ensure I get a full explanation. One thing is for sure, I would not be leaving my stuff in their place!

I agree I got played!

Count Dracula

Dump him.

He doesn't care about you anymore, I am sorry.

The more chances or opportunities you give him the more you are hurting yourself at this point, stop doing that?

seamusk84

No kids and no mortgage together - Go now and block him completely.

Absolute best decision you could make and a year down the line you will be delighted you did it. Don’t entertain his nonsense, you are better thank that.

Good luck.

Murph85

A woman in her late thirties and doesn't want marriage or kids ? That's many mens dream. Forget this lad, nightmare stuff... if you don't value and respect yourself, others wont...

The fact he's an alcoholic is the icing on the cake...

PommieBast

This sounds so much like a previous story posted a while back, which in short was drunken texting of an ex while about 8 years into a relationship. Once it becomes clear a "few" messages is more than that it is game over as far as trust is concerned.

walshb

7 years together, not living together, not married, no children. Sounds like a very casual connection/relationship. Get rid of him, unless you’re fine with this type of relationship

Anna2834

Trust me I tried…honestly I did! Didn’t even want an expensive ring, nor a big wedding I was actually happy for something small and intimate.

Tried to move in with him, family got involved (long story again)!

I wanted kids but it was never the right time, then all of a sudden he drops this shite on me that I somehow hate kids and I don’t want them!