Girlfriend of Three weeks told me she's pregnant - I'm not sure that I'm the Father, What to say/do?

MagicJohn

Hi,

Girlfriend of three weeks Told me she's pregnant last week - she showed me the pregnancy test.

For the first two weeks I used condoms, I noticed on the first time that we had sex that there was blood on the condom, on the second occasion there was a lot more than the first time. I assumed that this was her period so I had sex without a condom on the third occasion, six days later she told me that she's pregnant. She is delighted about it.

After reading online I discovered that the "spotting" as described above can be 10 days after conception - the point being that she could have been already pregnant when I had unprotected sex with her.

She's in her mid 40s, I thought it was much, much harder to get pregnant at that age.

Before we started being a thing she told me she was in love with another guy then dumped him to be with me - I don't know how long she was with him.

Tbh I feel like I'm being love bombed and everything is moving way too fast for me. She's already talking about marriage, she's divorced with a child from her previous marriage.

From the internet I see you can get a paternity test from week 10 which costs 1k, I'd really like to know if I am the father before I continue in a relationship with this Woman.

Feeling quite overwhelmed.

Any advice is much appreciated.

Idle Passerby

It's a bit dubious that she could confirm a pregnancy less than a week after the unprotected intercourse. The HSE website says the earliest tests can detect a pregnancy 8-10 days after conception and that's pretty damn early.

Regardless of the supposed pregnancy, everything else you've mentioned is questionable. "In love" with someone but dumped them for you, love bombing, talking of marriage after 3 weeks, it's not a good sign.

On average its more difficult to get pregnant at that age but not at all remarkable. Particularly if your not bothering with any contraception.

Dial Hard

Jesus Christ, OP, there's a lot to unpick there. You "assumed" she had her period so ditched the condoms - did either of you ever actually discuss this at any point??? And even if you did, was a conversation about STIs included? I'm guessing not, which just seems like absolute madness to me. As does pretty much everything else you've mentioned, tbh. Can someone even be your girlfriend when you've only been seeing them three weeks? You don't even know eachother.

You need to take a HUGE step back from this, and examine your own behaviour, even taking the potential pregnancy out of the equation.

As for that, did she do the test there and then, or bring a positive test with her when she told you, or did she just send you a picture of a positive test? Because if it's B or C, I'd be very suspicious as to whether she's actually pregnant at all. Needless to say, do NOT sleep with her again until you establish if she's actually pregnant. If it turns out she is, your next step is to establish if it's yours. The timings are extremely suspicious, imo.

And seriously, keep a hood on it until you're actually in an established relationship in future.

Pissy Missy

Def sounds like red flags to me, has she been to a doctor yet to confirm she's actually pregnant

Also surprised you didn't query what the blood was about

That 1k will be a good investment. I would definitely get that checked out. And marriage after 3 weeks, fcuk that shite

Kurooi

You had unprotected sex for the first time, 6 days later she comes back with a positive pregnancy test. A bit fishy to be honest.

Pregnancy tests generally don't show until 8-10 days. Maybe you can dig up the brand she used check their particular instructions.

Also, this is too early to call it a pregnancy and start writing vows. These tests are not 100% reliable. And many pregnancies end early, before they're even noticed. Don't make life decisions around it until you get some ultrasounds.

ChickenDish

Too many red flags to count here. If this woman is pregnant and "if" you are the father you will have to financially support them. But this whole situation sounds dodgy as ****, so many things about this do not add up, from unprotected sex with an effective stranger to doing a pregnancy test before she misses a her next period.

This woman could be a person with mental health problems and you should take a huge step back. No sane person would be delighted to be pregnant after knowing someone 3 weeks at the age of 40. I find people have a lot more life experience at 40 and are not prone to making huge life changing decisions at the drop of a hat.

realdanbreen

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058265226/girlfriend-of-three-weeks-told-me-shes-pregnant-im-not-sure-that-im-the-father-what-to-say-do

So if the "girlfriend " of 3 weeks is in her mid 40's I take it you are in the same age bracket?

Former Former Former

Six days from unprotected sex to positive pregnancy test? It's highly unlikely you're the father, if she's even pregnant.

So many red flags but this particular one blew my mind;

on the second occasion there was a lot more than the first time. I assumed that this was her period so I had sex without a condom on the third occasion

How on earth did this happen? You assumed it was her period and went in bareback without even checking with her on either point?

Gamergurll

Can't understand op at that age thinking it was safe to ditch the condom because she was on her period, thinking it could not result in a pregnancy, that is basic stuff? Not even starting on the std thing

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119676730#Comment_119676730

Still stihl waters 3

Christ that's grim, get a paternity test

BattleCorp

Lots of red flags.

I'm curious why did she take a pregnancy test? Did she miss a period?

The fact that she would be delighted to be pregnant by her boyfriend of 3 weeks isn't a normal reaction I would think.

She sounds all over the place. In love with another guy yet dumps him for you. Talking about marriage after a 3 week relationship. I'd have alarm bells ringing in my head if I was you.

By the way, just because you used a condom the first two times doesn't mean that it was impossible for her to get pregnant then. Condoms can fail. This is unlikely though, but not impossible.

Jim_Hodge

I think somebody is telling porkies.

walshb

Well, can go back and forth non stop. Wait until birth, and if you’re really concerned, take a paternity test. Might not sit well with her, but what ya gonna do? Have you mentioned to her that you’d like a test?

Donald Trump

It must be love

------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. Stop trolling.

miamee

The most sensitive of tests can show a positive pregnancy at 8-10 days after conception. Not 6 days. Even then, she'd want to be actively trying to get pregnant to be testing that soon as she wouldn't have gotten to the 'late period' for another few days after that.

If I were to guess, I'd say she was either already pregnant when she met you and is looking for a supportive, gullible man to take responsibility and look after her and her baby or she is not pregnant at all.

Dazler97

Ye sounds to be that she must have been sleeping around with other people, yes it's harder to get pregnant above 40 but not impossible

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677145#Comment_119677145

If I were to guess, I'd say she was either already pregnant when she met you and is looking for a supportive, gullible man to take responsibility and look after her and her baby or she is not pregnant at all.

This ^^ would be my first guess.

You do know that a girl can get pregnant when she's on her period? Unusual, but not impossible.

If you don't want to be a dad, always take precautions. Same goes for a girl of course!

There is another possibility. She not be pregnant at all, but may want to get pregnant. So if you think she's already expecting, you won't be taking any further precautions, will you - And where will that leave your girlfriend in a few weeks?

marilynrr

She could have got pregnant when you used condoms. Condoms can break without you knowing, or some sperm can leak out.

There's red flags all over this though so I wouldn't be too sure you're the father but you might be in for a very uncomfortable wait to find out the truth.

dtothebtotheh

Congrats OP

Marriage talk after 3 weeks😂 I'd be running

c.p.w.g.w

I was with my wife 4 years before we had unprotected sex, she was on contraception the whole time up to that...

We are together a total of 8 years now and I still wrap my guy as we plan to remain childfree

Sweet Talkin Romeo

what if she was lying about being pregnant OP ? best keep wrapped up til ya have conclusive proof; and, even then, it may not be yours 😏

jrosen

I highly doubt its yours. However easy to solve, book an early pregnancy scan. Its too early right now but they can pretty accurately tell the gestation, I had my earliest at 6 weeks and 2 days.

Neyite

So, not going to say anything about the speed with which you dived into unprotected sex - because this experience should cure you of any future notion to ever do that again.

So to clear up a few assumptions:

Women can, and do, get pregnant right up to and including during menopause. In fact, many women experience a pre-menopause fertility surge in their forties/fifties and accidental pregnancies can easily occur. You've probably seen older generations where the family of a few kids are halfway to adulthood or in their teens only for them to have a surprise baby sibling. That's what that is.

Until a woman is fully through menopause and has had no periods/bleeding of any kind for (I think) it's 2 full years, assume pregnancy can occur.

Now, with regard to the timing. There's some very sensitive tests that can test for a pregnancy before your period is due. The 'weeks' thing is also confusing - you count a pregnancy from the first day of the last period. (you count the first day of bleeding as the first day, not spotting) So, if the last period say, started on 1st sept, and her cycle is a typical 28 days, then her period would be due now, and a positive pregnancy test could be possible even if you only slept together two weeks ago because ovulation typically happens the first half of the 28 days. So yes, it might be possible that you are the father. Unlikely, but there's an outside chance. And it's really only if you base it on a typical cycle of a typical woman. Some women have longer cycles, or ovulate a few days earlier or later.

I don't want to freak you out but there are medications that can assist ovulation & conception. Clomid for one. When I was intially put on them my now husband had to sign a form stating that he was aware that I was seeking medical assistance to conceive and had to give his consent. But repeat prescriptions or changes to the drug plan didn't require that - we could have split up during those years and I still got the meds. When you are on those the can prescribe an injection that 'releases' the ovum. This injection does give a positive pregnancy test so the clinic will tell you not to test early as it could be a false positive.

So for now - take a breath. She can and probably will refuse the pre-natal paternity test, but it's worth asking. There is nothing wrong with waiting until a baby is born to make a decision. And fine to put the relationship on pause until then. There's no obligation to ever marry her. If it's proven to be yours you have the option of giving financial support only, or be a hands on single dad, or maybe in time you might develop a relationship with this woman and it could be great - but for now, no decisions need to be promised, especially marriage. A surprise baby is literally one of the worst reasons to marry. So you focus on the here and now, and there's nothing wrong with saying that marriage is well off the table for you until several years into any relationship regardless of the circumstances.

*I do know a couple who had a pregnancy occur literally the first month they started dating. That was in the 90s, they were students, and were utterly shellshocked. They are still together, they co-parented during their respective degrees and later had more children, and eventually got married a decade or so after getting together. So it can happen, and it can rarely have a happy ending.

bad2thebone

Oh no, nearly happened to me year's ago. My friend saved me by telling me not to go home with this friend of his wife. She was asking to be dropped home last and I was the designated driver. She was being over friendly and sitting in the front seat.

In my early thirties the time. She was quite a flirt attractive too.

He was ruining my night according to me, but I found out after she was already pregnant from some dude she met at Langton's in Kilkenny a month before. No numbers exchanged etc

Imagine if I went back to hers and slept with her. The mental gymnastics and anxiety and possibly looking after someone else's kid, no fault of the kids but it would put the kid and I in a dishonest situation.

boardlady

Not your baby op. If a pregnancy test came back positive, it was in relation to sex that was had about 10 days previous. The blood was probably early pregnancy spotting. I'd say this is not your pregnancy - and may not even be a viable pregnancy. However, this is only one aspect of myriad of shite you're in there! 3 weeks is not 'in a relationship'. You're still only 'seeing someone' at that stage! I'd be together at least a year before i'd be mentioned the M word too. Best of luck to you regardless!

Larbre34

I don't know why men worry about this, the truth is unavoidable eventually.

As for the OP, the only way she could be detectably pregnant after three weeks, is if she was already pregnant before you first met her. Tell her you want a DNA test as soon as she hits 7 weeks, see how much she's willing to risk the pregnancy.

Wanderer78

yup, red flags all over the shop, definitely something not right psychologically there, paternity test pronto, and take it from there, if pregnancy turns out to be untrue or not yours, run away, and quickly!

shesty

Firstly you need to broach a paternity test.I would suggest laying some gentle ground work for this now, being honest.

Secondly....I would be very sceptical that it's yours.I have identified my own pregnancies within 2 weeks of conception by how I was feeling, but pregnancy test still told me no.The blood could have been anything.Men need to educate themselves more!!Period, pregnancy spotting, anything.Ovulation can occur once or twice in a cycle, neither you nor her have any way of knowing.In fact I would be even more wary of women in their 40s (and disclaimer - I am one) because in many cases their cycles can be more erratic making it more difficult to tell what time of the month might be "safe" or not.However the timing of what has happened here is definitely a bit off.

Thirdly - well it's a life lesson.But you already know that.

You can go back and forward on it endlessly but only a paternity test will decide it.

B.A._Baracus

Tell her to piss off.

Dumped another guy to be 'with you', 3 weeks and already pregnant!? Then talking about marriage? .. she's either insane or she got up the duff from the other guy.

You simply say ok prove its mine. Then cut all contact.

Liath Luachra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119679625#Comment_119679625

Really important men (and women) tell their partner if theres bleeding during and after sex. The woman herself may not always realise. Bleeding during sex is one of the primary indicators of cervical cancer, so important not to assume its down to period/ mid cycle spotting.

OP, you really need to wind back - the fact she is discussing marriage indicates you havent expressed any doubts or concerns to her at all and she is obviously of the view you are as delighted as her. The paternity test is the only way to resolve this.

Packrat

"He was lawless by name and lawless by nature....."

Listen to the song. This is you.

Don't be a mug.

Lolle06

Hi OP,

you are right to ask questions about all of this!

A pregnancy a week after unprotected sex is rarely definite, or even detectable.

If the hcg is already detectable by a pregnancy test, the pregnancy either happened much earlier or it’s twins!

In any case, the pregnancy can still be terminated by nature - and end in a delayed menstruation.

That happens more often than you might think.

And that’s why “early pregnancy” test are a bad idea, b/c they get your hopes up and break your heart.

Considering she is in her mid-40s and the hormones can be quite imbalanced at that stage, an natural abort is often likely before 12 weeks ( often due to a low progesterone level).

But I am surprised that she already talks about marriage and takes this pregnancy as a given.

Are you sure she was not pregnant already when you met her?

Spotting during sex can be common if pregnant.

Brown stains are from old blood, red stains are fresh.

I would definitely insist on a paternity test.

And I would also attend a doctors appointment to confirm the stage of pregnancy.

All the best!

Jequ0n

Yeah, I’d dump her and let her pursue the paternity proof once it’s there. I doubt you’ll ever hear about it though.

Son Of Caba

This whole situation seems a bit of a red flag now. After 6 days why did she feel the need to go and take a pregnancy test? It's almost if shes planned this whole situation out. I'd let her decide what she wants to do and then go for a paternity test. If its yours youll have to support it but if it isn't run and never look back.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

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gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119677145#Comment_119677145

Actually the not pregnant part I didn't think of. I've seen it before.

Buy a test yourself to confirm (obviously not for you!).

MagicJohn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119679864#Comment_119679864

Thank you so much this info has been a lot of help to me - Virtual hug, you are a decent soul.

Thanks once again.

MagicJohn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119679375#Comment_119679375

Thank you so much, your post has been an enormous help to me. Very kind and thoughtful of you to take the time to write this.

Virtual hug, you are a decent soul.

Thanks.

MagicJohn

Thank you everybody for all your helpful advice, Yes I will go down the paternity test route - I have to for my own piece of mind.

This could be a new chapter in my life or it may not - only time will tell.

I always thought boards.ie was full of very snarky and quite twisted people but I have to say most of the replies to the thread here have changed my mind on that - it's very heart warming and has given me some much needed piece of mind.

Thanks!

Pinoy adventure

>>post deleted - warning applied <<

PHG

Hi OP,

As half of a couple going through IVF, you cannot in any way shape or form tell if you are pregnant after 6 weeks via over the counter devices. The best one is the Clear Blue early detection which can detect 12 days post ovulation!

That blood (if nothing serious) tends to occur 3 weeks into a pregnancy! Get a pregnancy test which tells you how many weeks you are. So if the condom did not break the first few times, then its highly highly unlikely its not yours and you are getting played. Get that weekly test of how many weeks and stay away from her. Sounds like she is trying to trap you.

MarkR

I'm sure someone said it already, but don't have any sexual relations with her in the meantime.

Neyite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119682567#Comment_119682567

You mean six days, not six weeks - typo?

PS very best of luck on your IVF journey. 😊

PHG

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119683692#Comment_119683692

Yes 6 days :) and TY!!

Seth Brundle

After a week at most, what made her suddenly think that she needed a pregnancy test?

I'm not believing her and, if I were you, I'd avoid any further intimacy with her until you're sure she's being honest with you.

You know, I can't help but think that if this was all some big master plan of hers ensnare the OP, then she wasn't very clever about it.

She could have at least waited another month, and had unprotected sex multiple times in the interim, as the OP obviously isn't that careful about preventing pregnancy.

OP, all you can do right now is request a pre-natal paternity test, and hope for the best. And in future don't take stupid risks.

Airyfairy12

She coudnt be able to tell if she was pregnant 6 days after unprotected sex, it takes a week for the egg to attach itself to the womb and for the women to become pregnant & she would need to have sex at the exact time she was ovulating which is usually two weeks before a period so theres little to no chance she missed her period which would have encouraged her to take a pregnancy test. You shouldnt take a pregnancy test until youve missed your period because its too early at that stage for the test to detect the hormones produced in pregnancy.

Besides all of this, after 3 weeks shes bringing up marriage with you and making you feel uncomfortable, these are the type of red flags you dont want to overlook or make excuses for as theyre indicators that in the long run, this relationship might end up causing you allot of problems in your life.

But not all women ovulate at the same time or as predictably as that - especially when older. Early detection tests can detect HCG, the pregnancy hormone, before a period is missed. It's not necessary to wait for a missed period anymore before testing.

Knowing you have had unprotected sex during your cycle would be enough reason for some to take an early test. Personally, I think it's too early to test as there is a good chance that even if there is a positive result, the pregnancy may not "stick". But it is what it is.

All the OP can do now is wait and see.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692909#Comment_119692909

My mother was 41 when she had me and I was conceived during what appeared to be menstruation. My father travelled in his work, so the timing of the conception during a period of bleeding was accurate.

However I believe OP’s sexual partner is hoodwinking him, and I feel she likely has some class of a personality disorder or mental health issue.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119692993#Comment_119692993

It's possible she is trying to hoodwink him, yes - though I still think if that's her masterplan she played that card way too soon.

I was more addressing the question of why someone would take a test before missing a period. Knowing they have had unprotected sex during their cycle would be reason enough for some women to do so. They just want to know as soon as possible.

I know anytime I thought there was a chance I could be pregnant I took a test as early as I possibly could.

marilynrr

It's definitely not a clever way to go about a masterplan, but she sounds a bit away with the fairies so if she's lying then the story could have sounded realistic enough to her!

As for taking the test so early I just googled and some women in Perimenopause will have cycles that shorten to every 3 weeks or they can be very irregular, or they can have spotting etc, she might not have really been sure when she had her period.

OP if you think she's likely to refuse the paternity test at 10 weeks or if you ask and she does refuse you could maybe play along and pretend you believe her and pay to go for an early scan....don't say it's to check the date though 😂 Maybe say it's because you're excited and want to see the heartbeat and check it's not twins because they are more common in older mothers. The early dating scans are more accurate than the second trimester ones they do at the hospital I believe.