Child left out of birthday party.

Anih27

So we live on a cup de sac. My 9 year old son who has dyspraxia plays everyday outside with his pals who are 5,6 & 7. Today there was a party for the youngest who also happens to be a boy. The boy asked my son yesterday if he would come to his party while his mother was present. The mother told my son that she would text me about it but the text never came. My son has spent the day upset, questioning why he wasn’t invited when his other pals have. My son can be loud and hyper but is that a reason to leave a child out of a birthday party when he was told he was invited? I am livid, and won’t look at these parents in the same light as I used to. Please share your thoughts.

FoxForce5

9 yr old going to 5 yr olds birthday seems slightly odd but that aside, dyspraxia doesn't make a kid loud and hyper, you sure the reason for the cold shoulder isn't something else? I'm specifically thinking maybe they don't like Ur son playing with their kid ?

ForestFire

Few clarification questions first.

Are your sure phone numbers are know? i.e. you have received messages before from her?

Where was the party on, at the house or another, possible pre-booked location?

You said the 5yo invited your son who is 9yo. TBH, that's a bit of an age difference for parties (even if they play together), maybe the 5yo was excited and inviting everyone he met, and it was not an official invitation, as such, even if the mom could have explained this at the time or later via txt. Or did it sound like the 5yo was asked to invite your son officially.

Maybe their was already a lot invited to the party and it was mainly 5yo's and family.

I think the courtesy clarification maybe was in order, but maybe missed for a host of good reasons, and not necessarily a bad host.

Sorry missed the bit where you say "his other pals where invited"

How old are these pals?

Where they invited the same way, by the 5yo?

How do they know the boy/family?

Anih27

He has been invited to the others party’s, ot isn’t exactly “odd”. Not every diagnosis of dyspraxia is the same though and my son happens to be loud and get quite excited very quickly. This boy has called for my son to play most days and my son has called to his house. I have known his mother and father for 20+ years. They haven’t had a problem with my son playing with theirs since this has happened

Addmagnet

Or, turn it around - invite the 5 yr old over for tea, ask your son if he'd like to help you organise it as an event, get and give the child a small gift, play games etc.

I wouldn't take an invitation from a 5 year old the day before a party as an "official" invite.

Do you any other details? Was the party at their home, or was it booked at a play centre or something somewhere else?

FoxForce5

Hi OP, sorry but when you mentioned "hyper" that can sometimes be a nice way for some parents to describe other not so sociable qualities of their child. Imho knowing them 20 yrs and the mother saying she will txt u doesn't add up. Either they have a reason for not wanting him there or you really don't know them after 20 yrs.

Anih27

Yes we all have each other’s phone numbers. Their son would be in our house playing and vice versa so we keep in contact very regularly to keep each other updated on where the children are.

The party was on in their house which is directly across the road from our house. My son watched other children going into the house for the party through our sitting room window with tears in his eyes.

The mother told my son that she would text me to ask if it was ok for my son to attend. Whether that was to please her son I don’t know but you do not say that I’m front of the child who she knew wouldn’t be asked to the party.

The party was made up of family members and kids from the house on our cul de sac. Just not our son.

My son while he might be 9 years old, doesn’t present as a 9 year old. He is quite sensitive, and much younger socially. This is why he gets on so well with younger children.

lawrencesummers

i remember a few years back my 5 year old invited every single person he met that week to his party.

Gaa coaches, bus driver, the checkout lady in dunnes and paul our postman all confirmed they would try to attend.

The mother did all she could at the time to not upset your kid, maybe she should have said its only family, or tell him call over after but she is thinking on her feet.

Birthday parties have to have a cut off somewhere and tbh inviting a 9yr old thats not family is outside the lines if you ask me.

your best bet is to get over it

Anih27

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605016#Comment_119605016

Your best bet is to get other it

THIS. Not at all helpful and not in any way advice.

Others outside the family were asked. Please do not label my child when you don’t at all know him.

FoxForce5

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605013#Comment_119605013

Jesus OP, right across the road? That is cold. I'm afraid assuming others were invited and not him you need to ask this mother wtf? I HV twins who both play with a lad everyday but only one of them was invited to party. Other was in tears , I asked the mother in question why, she said numbers limited so I told her she now had two extra places. Always remember that kids learn from their parents.

Anih27

Oh that’s heartbreaking, how could anyone decide on one and not invite both? So cruel, I would never ever do that to a child. And maybe that’s where people differ. What some parents don’t do, some parents do. But I would never leave a child out like that. Make them feel totally not good enough. My mind fathoms.

silent_spark

When didn’t you just text the other parent this morning and ask what time your son should go over, and was there anything they needed? They probably had a million other things on with organising the party and it just slipped their mind. I think you’re over thinking this.

Anih27

No, I’m not that sort of person. Of a child is to be invited to a party, the parent should be notified of the time and the place. I should t have to be the one to ask. That’s not an invite.

kippy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605046#Comment_119605046

Stall the digger here a small bit. You put the label on your child in the first post and while that may have been done to give some context I don't really think it had anything to do with what may have gone on here.

You've used some extreme words like livid to point out how you feel but I do think you are jumping the gun. Communication about these types of things is key. It is possibly and highly likely that the other mother forgot to get in touch with you in the first instance or perhaps didn't handle the initial situation as well as she could have.

Perhaps as adults you should approach her and advise her your son was a bit upset about what happened. From there then you'll be able to find out what happened and then perhaps start making some informed decisions around what to do next.

It would be a pitty to put your son's friendships at risk without first knowing the story from the other side.

Be right back

It seems to me to be just a simple oversight and perhaps she just simply forgot to text you...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

You're right its not. An invitation should come from the parent, and with a lot more notice. Which is why I wouldn't have taken what a five year old said seriously.

It didn't come, for whatever reason, so what do you want to happen now?

FoxForce5

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605297#Comment_119605297

They live across the road in a cul de sac and he was only one of friends missing? An oversight? Unless OP's neighbour is Helen Keller I think you can rule out over sight.

Be right back

In that she was probably busy and forgot to text...

Sunrise_Sunset

I've come across quite a few party "issues" the past few years with my children, or heard stories from other parents.

I think the Mum would definitely have confirmed the party list well before the day before, so unfortunately your son wasn't invited. There could be lots of reasons for this. TBH the most likely reason is usually space, or numbers or money. This party was at home so it doesn't sound like it would've been too big of a deal to invite one more, but then I don't know that for sure. If it's at a party venue, then numbers are definitely a big issue. Not everyone can afford to invite lots of kids, and the kids don't always understand this. Or the other parents sometimes!

My kid has been invited to a party casually by a girl in the class, but I never got an official invite or text from the parent, so I took it as unofficial and we didn't go. I've had parties and had to keep numbers at 10 for either financial reasons or if I didn't have enough adults to help out on the day. There really are just so many scenarios, I don't think you should jump straight to the reason being because of his dyspraxia.

Akrasia

I think the biggest clue here is the age gap. 4/5 years gap is huge at that age. The parent probably invited the kids from their child's class. Having older kids mixing with a bunch of 5/6 year olds is likely to cause problems (rough and tumble, 9 year olds can be enthusiastic and a 5 year old could get accidentally hurt from normal 'horseplay' by older kids)

Explain to your kid that the party was for younger children, that it's nothing personal.

And move on.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605046#Comment_119605046

Why are you asking here? Wouldn't it be better to ask the parents of the other child?

You won't get any answers to your specific situation on boards.ie

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605508#Comment_119605508

+1

It was a 5-year-olds party. The kid is 9.

Anih27

Ahhh padre pio, with a name like that more sympathy wouldn’t go astray.

Anih27

As I have explained above, if you have bothered to read through the thread, my 9 year isn’t socially mature. He gets on better with younger children than his peers.

HazeDoll

OP, if there were five-year-olds at the party there were probably a couple of kids who are even younger. There is a massive difference between kids who have just started school and kids in second or third class. I don't think anybody is saying that it's in any way inappropriate for kids who are neighbours to play together. However, an invitation to a little kid's party is not a given.

For all you know the child's mother thought she was doing your son a favour, relieving him of the tedium of hanging around with a hoard of babies for the day.

Anih27

As above poster, the same comment relates to your input.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605537#Comment_119605537

I have no sympathy for this situation.

I think you're more interested in garnering some sort of validation than actually solving your issue. A quick phone call would put this matter to rest.

ForestFire

You've referred 2 posters now to your beliefs about you sons social age, and this is perfectly fine for you to have this belief and knowledge about your own son.

Do you really think think that other parents, of 5 year old children, also believe that your 9 year old is a good fit, and no offence in any way intended, but I presume physically you son is as big as any 9 year old? Do other parents know the intricacies of your son's social abilities?

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605583#Comment_119605583

Yes, but the parents of the birthday boy might not see things that way.

Anih27

You have no sympathy because of your beliefs rather than thinking outside of your personal situation with your own child. Not all children are the same as when we were younger. Socially, mentally, emotionally, a little more empathy would help.

HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605637#Comment_119605637

Nobody here is responsible for your son being left out. We're offering a perspective that might explain how it happened.

Remember there's a possibility that the family intended to invite him but there was just a mix-up.

Be right back

To be fair, you're asking strangers for advice and understanding of your son's condition. But do you intend asking the neighbour why he wasn't included?

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

You realise this bizarrely prideful attitude is responsible for your very upset son, at least in part.

What fragile kind of ego must you have, that you'd prefer to watch your boy cry his eyes out rather than double-check a busy mother hasn't forgotten an invitation made by her five-year-old?

You know people get busy, people get distracted, and you may not be the centre of their world. it seems narcissistic to assume some kind of slight when it is much more likely that it was unintentional.

Also, why the hell did you not do something with him to distract him, take him somewhere nice or something - why let him sit watching the other kids go to the party?

Anih27

Why mention my beliefs about my sons social age when this is fact and that is how it is?! My son isn’t in any way the same build or size to other 9 year olds. He is the smallest in size in his class, very slight and dainty. But I don’t see why all of that is to be taken into account when they play outside together every day? And the parents have no problem with that?

HazeDoll

Wouldn't you prefer to see him hanging out with kids his own age and progressing and maturing a little? Can you see this a painful but positive step? Or are you perhaps a little reluctant to see him becoming more independent and leaving the babyish years behind?

Count Dracula

I am beginning to think dispraxia might be the least of his worries.

Good night all !!!

MrMusician18

Ah children's birthday parties, yet another social minefield to navigate. Much easier when it was just family that went to these things, if there was even one at all.

As for your issue here op, no one on boards will be able to tell you why no invite came. That said, your boy is almost twice the age of the other children, it's a huge gap. Your boy is getting older too, so dealing with these issues will become more common as relationships for him can only get more complex. I suggest rather than be angry, use it as a learning opportunity for him.

riffmongous

That's very sad to hear OP. Kids can remember these things, something similar happened to me as a young child, even though it was probably a misunderstanding it stuck with me. So I'd say try your best to make your son feel better and special the next few days if you can. And also keep in mind it wasn't the 5 year old's fault if you are pissed with his mother, which I do think you are justified to be.

Akrasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605545#Comment_119605545

That may be true, but he is physically bigger than the kids he gets on with.

Probably more than twice their size. While this may be fine with few kids playing in an estate, it becomes more of an issue at a birthday party for 5/6 year olds

The parent has a duty of care to the young children she invited to the party. She should have communicated it better, but at the end of the day, the answer is simple, tell your kid that this was a party for younger children and it's nothing personal. Your child will get over it, and everyone can move on.

ForestFire

Your starting to take everything very personally, which I can understand, but you need to step back from the emotion of the situation, because your asking questions of complete strangers in the internet, who are giving advice on what we see.

You mentioned your beliefs first, and not only once, I was only pointing out that these are obviously your beliefs, as from your close relationship with your son, and others may not see it the same way, that is all.

My daughter players with lots of kids outside, of different ages, elder brothers and sisters inc. etc, but for her birthday party, it was restricted to her age group only and even then, only her closest friends from the street, even if that meant other elder or younger siblings not invited.

Again this age difference is huge for a 5yo party.

riffmongous

It wasn't a 5yo party though according to the OP, that comes from an assumption from Akrasia. The OP states

"The party was made up of family members and kids from the house on our cul de sac. Just not our son."

The kids that all hang around together every other day

Akrasia

The op said it was the youngest kids birthday,so a 5/6th birthday

riffmongous

But not a party for 5 year olds which is what some people are going off

Jeff2

Jesus get over it.

People living Vicariously through there kids these days.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605779#Comment_119605779

It was a birthday party for a 5 year old, so not a huge leap to assume most of the kids invited would be around the same age, unless family.

Zhane

OP, I think maybe during the week have a quick, polite chat with the mother. For your own peace of mind and just to understand what happened.

It might help guide you to support your son and then you’ll know where you stand with the neighbours.

emeraldsky

Did you seriously let your poor child sit and cry at the window all day without doing anything to distract him? In your shoes, I'd have gone over myself to see if he was welcome; if he wasn't, I would have told him the party was for younger kids only and it wasn't personal (as other posters have said), and I would have arranged something special for him that would at least remind him that he's not alone and that he is loved.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605637#Comment_119605637

As before, neither I, nor anyone else here know you, your son, or your son's friends.

The issue is not even your son, or your son's mental well being, or how he socialises with the other children. The issue is the birthday party invite and why your son wasn't (or maybe was) invited.

The only person who has the answer is the parent who organized the party, who you are "livid" at, yet you won't pick up the phone to call them and clarify the situation.

embraer170

These birthday party issues can be heartbreaking.

Some years ago my daughter (8 at the time) didn't get invited to her best school friend's birthday party, because the friend apparently somehow assumed she hadn't been invited to my daughter's party. Truth is we hadn't been able to organise a party on time for a variety of reasons, but I never understood why her parents allowed it to happen (or didn't call us to ask) when their kid was over at our place almost every evening. We clarified it by phone but the damage was done at that point. To many it sounds like a minor incident, but it stuck with my daughter for a long time after and she is normally tough and resilient.

It is the same with children handing out birthday invitations in class. You have many kids invited, and others bitterly hurt and disappointed.

dtothebtotheh

Hate to say it, but it sounds like your son isn't the only one lacking maturity.