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Child Item

Child left out of birthday party.

Anih27

So we live on a cup de sac. My 9 year old son who has dyspraxia plays everyday outside with his pals who are 5,6 & 7. Today there was a party for the youngest who also happens to be a boy. The boy asked my son yesterday if he would come to his party while his mother was present. The mother told my son that she would text me about it but the text never came. My son has spent the day upset, questioning why he wasn’t invited when his other pals have. My son can be loud and hyper but is that a reason to leave a child out of a birthday party when he was told he was invited? I am livid, and won’t look at these parents in the same light as I used to. Please share your thoughts.

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HazeDoll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605637#Comment_119605637

Nobody here is responsible for your son being left out. We're offering a perspective that might explain how it happened.

Remember there's a possibility that the family intended to invite him but there was just a mix-up.

Be right back

To be fair, you're asking strangers for advice and understanding of your son's condition. But do you intend asking the neighbour why he wasn't included?

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

You realise this bizarrely prideful attitude is responsible for your very upset son, at least in part.

What fragile kind of ego must you have, that you'd prefer to watch your boy cry his eyes out rather than double-check a busy mother hasn't forgotten an invitation made by her five-year-old?

You know people get busy, people get distracted, and you may not be the centre of their world. it seems narcissistic to assume some kind of slight when it is much more likely that it was unintentional.

Also, why the hell did you not do something with him to distract him, take him somewhere nice or something - why let him sit watching the other kids go to the party?

Anih27

Why mention my beliefs about my sons social age when this is fact and that is how it is?! My son isn’t in any way the same build or size to other 9 year olds. He is the smallest in size in his class, very slight and dainty. But I don’t see why all of that is to be taken into account when they play outside together every day? And the parents have no problem with that?

HazeDoll

Wouldn't you prefer to see him hanging out with kids his own age and progressing and maturing a little? Can you see this a painful but positive step? Or are you perhaps a little reluctant to see him becoming more independent and leaving the babyish years behind?

Count Dracula

I am beginning to think dispraxia might be the least of his worries.

Good night all !!!

MrMusician18

Ah children's birthday parties, yet another social minefield to navigate. Much easier when it was just family that went to these things, if there was even one at all.

As for your issue here op, no one on boards will be able to tell you why no invite came. That said, your boy is almost twice the age of the other children, it's a huge gap. Your boy is getting older too, so dealing with these issues will become more common as relationships for him can only get more complex. I suggest rather than be angry, use it as a learning opportunity for him.

[Deleted User]

That's very sad to hear OP. Kids can remember these things, something similar happened to me as a young child, even though it was probably a misunderstanding it stuck with me. So I'd say try your best to make your son feel better and special the next few days if you can. And also keep in mind it wasn't the 5 year old's fault if you are pissed with his mother, which I do think you are justified to be.

Akrasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605545#Comment_119605545

That may be true, but he is physically bigger than the kids he gets on with.

Probably more than twice their size. While this may be fine with few kids playing in an estate, it becomes more of an issue at a birthday party for 5/6 year olds

The parent has a duty of care to the young children she invited to the party. She should have communicated it better, but at the end of the day, the answer is simple, tell your kid that this was a party for younger children and it's nothing personal. Your child will get over it, and everyone can move on.

ForestFire

Your starting to take everything very personally, which I can understand, but you need to step back from the emotion of the situation, because your asking questions of complete strangers in the internet, who are giving advice on what we see.

You mentioned your beliefs first, and not only once, I was only pointing out that these are obviously your beliefs, as from your close relationship with your son, and others may not see it the same way, that is all.

My daughter players with lots of kids outside, of different ages, elder brothers and sisters inc. etc, but for her birthday party, it was restricted to her age group only and even then, only her closest friends from the street, even if that meant other elder or younger siblings not invited.

Again this age difference is huge for a 5yo party.

[Deleted User]

It wasn't a 5yo party though according to the OP, that comes from an assumption from Akrasia. The OP states

"The party was made up of family members and kids from the house on our cul de sac. Just not our son."

The kids that all hang around together every other day

Akrasia

The op said it was the youngest kids birthday,so a 5/6th birthday

[Deleted User]

But not a party for 5 year olds which is what some people are going off

Jeff2

Jesus get over it.

People living Vicariously through there kids these days.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605779#Comment_119605779

It was a birthday party for a 5 year old, so not a huge leap to assume most of the kids invited would be around the same age, unless family.

Zhane

OP, I think maybe during the week have a quick, polite chat with the mother. For your own peace of mind and just to understand what happened.

It might help guide you to support your son and then you’ll know where you stand with the neighbours.

emeraldsky

Did you seriously let your poor child sit and cry at the window all day without doing anything to distract him? In your shoes, I'd have gone over myself to see if he was welcome; if he wasn't, I would have told him the party was for younger kids only and it wasn't personal (as other posters have said), and I would have arranged something special for him that would at least remind him that he's not alone and that he is loved.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605637#Comment_119605637

As before, neither I, nor anyone else here know you, your son, or your son's friends.

The issue is not even your son, or your son's mental well being, or how he socialises with the other children. The issue is the birthday party invite and why your son wasn't (or maybe was) invited.

The only person who has the answer is the parent who organized the party, who you are "livid" at, yet you won't pick up the phone to call them and clarify the situation.

embraer170

These birthday party issues can be heartbreaking.

Some years ago my daughter (8 at the time) didn't get invited to her best school friend's birthday party, because the friend apparently somehow assumed she hadn't been invited to my daughter's party. Truth is we hadn't been able to organise a party on time for a variety of reasons, but I never understood why her parents allowed it to happen (or didn't call us to ask) when their kid was over at our place almost every evening. We clarified it by phone but the damage was done at that point. To many it sounds like a minor incident, but it stuck with my daughter for a long time after and she is normally tough and resilient.

It is the same with children handing out birthday invitations in class. You have many kids invited, and others bitterly hurt and disappointed.

dtothebtotheh

Hate to say it, but it sounds like your son isn't the only one lacking maturity.

lawrencesummers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605046#Comment_119605046

judging by your drama, unreasonableness and overall nonsense in this thread i wouldn't invite you either.

Its just a kids birthday, a child much older than yours.

Get over it.

JustJoe7240

It sounds to me like the OP has an idea what the correct response from other posters should be, and everything else is incorrect.

I feel sorry for the kid, as I do with all the other "my kid was the only one not invited to the birthday party" threads. But as for looking at them differently? Get a grip, They probably just forgot

lawrencesummers

Out of interest, how many of your sons burthday parties has the 5yr old been invited to?

In kids a one year gap can be a lot, they can have considerable differences in maturity, interests and abilities. A four year gap for kids playing together is just to much if you ask me. I wouldn't want my kids playing unsupervised out on the road with someone 4 years older than them.

Jequ0n

This is hilarious to read, particularly the bemoaning of lack of empathy for the OP (not even her kid).

Seriously OP, what are you doing to help your son catch up with his “maturity issues” to integrate him with peers his own age? Or do you enjoy him being in this infantilised and awkward role?

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605046#Comment_119605046

What other option do you have?

what you should have done when you say other kids going in was call the parent and ask if you could come over. But you didn’t so…..

did you buy the child a gift?

Anyway the party is over so it’s up to you now if you are going to let your feelings (cause they are yours not your sons ) damage the relationship you have with this family.

Debub

We have a 12 year old boy - he was diagnosed to be on the Spectrum (Autism) when he was about 3 years old. We live in a very small town. About 80% of his current classmates are with him since playschool days. He is high functioning and on first impressions its difficult to tell that he is Autistic. He hasnt been invited to ANY of his classmates birthday parties or play dates or any other social activities for the last 4/5 years. He used to come and tell us (when he was younger) that he heard that his friends are going for a movie on such and such date and that can he also go - but we off couse knew that he wasnt invited - it broke our heart and his too for a while when he realisd that he wasnt being inovted.... he has since learned not to let this affect him too much and he now says that he doesnt care anymore - but we know that he will happily go if invited. We are just learning to live with this.

rogerywalters

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

What do you mean that sort of person? The parent said theyd text you the details , the most likely forgot as it is a busy time ,planning a party. And then you didnt want to text them asking what time. So you let your kid cry instead of just reaching out. Well done.

Princess Calla

Hanging around together on the street is different to who you consider close friends.

5 yo is junior infants, 9 year old is 3rd class.....the gulf between the ages is massive.

As it happened we were at a birthday party for a 4 yo over the weekend. There were a couple of older kids at it. The kids themselves were grand. However half of the 4 year olds were completely intimidated by them so clung to their parents.

I'll be completely honest and say I wasn't overly happy that there were older kids there. My child is small for their age and ran the risk of being flattened.

Now I don't believe your friend forgot to text you, she was put in an awkward situation by her child and made the first excuse that came to her.

Invites are sent weeks in advance ..we have one for next month already, so she probably should have txt to either invite the child grudgingly, or say sorry your child didn't make the cut.

In your shoes I think I would have read the room better and acknowledged that my child wasn't invited and while the rational side of me would probably understand,the irrational would be angry at my child being hurt.

Up to you how you want to move on from this.

Sometimes you need to park your anger and let the kids figure it out themselves.

lawrencesummers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119606399#Comment_119606399

Thats a tough one, and its a pity that none of the kids or their parents have seen past the autism and invited him.

Not saying your kid has behavior issues, obviously i dont know your kid and i dont know the ins and out of the situation but i do know a nieces class where one kid - as yet to be diagnosed but pretty obviously autistic - doesn't get invited to anything because over the course of the few years in school he has been hit, kicked and spat at lot of the other kids.

What you could do is have a party for your kid, and make sure all the other kids know they are invited with paper invites. It makes it almost impossible to not invite someone to your own party when you have been at someone elses.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119605236#Comment_119605236

Going from that is it not clear your son wasn't invited by the parents?

It feels unfair to you but that isn't your decision.

An invitation from a small child the day before isn't a formal invite, it is excitement.

The parents might have good reasons, they might have bad reasons, they don't particularly have to share them with you.