Life regrets and accepting my past

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120933281#Comment_120933281

I have done a couple park runs recently, but I haven't actually joined any running group yet. I'm not on Facebook, but if thats how running groups are advertised then I will look on there. As I said above I want to move closer to Galway and hopefully that will provide opportunities to try jiu jitsu and drama groups.

It is hard watching people leave the workplace, but I think I have to accept that people come and go, but there is a crisis in recruiting pharmacists through the HSE so its hard when there is no sign of new staff coming, however hopefully there comes a point when things ease off and more staff arrive.

Hannibal_Smith

It's good to read you're doing better OP. Fair play to you. I think there's a huge discontent with workers at the moment. I'm not sure why. But I see it in my place too. I think most places ebb and flow though. There'll be good times with great colleagues, then it all goes bizarre for a while and then it settles again.

There's a running forum on boards, I'm not sure whether you've found it? But it's full of great posters who are very helpful. Might be worth dipping your toe in there? With the park runs, why not put your name down to volunteer one of the weeks, its a great way to get talking to the other runners. Over time you'll get to know them. Is there tea and coffee after the one you've been to? Maybe hang around after and you'll meet a few people that way. It'd be a great way of distracting yourself from work to focus on something else like that.

Fakediamond

I’m coming late to this thread and maybe this aspect was already covered. I’m wondering have you considered you might be autistic? It could explain the difficulties in connecting with people.

No harm in doing some research around this if you think it’s a possibility and even taking some of the online tests that are available for free before deciding if you need to access a more detailed clinical assessment. It’s a way underdiagnosed condition that leaves people feeling disconnected and lonely and not understanding why. Getting a diagnosis of autism can open up a whole new world of people to you, who will just “get” you and your communication style. It’s not a disability, it’s a different ability. At least that’s how I see it and I’m coming to it late in life!

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120942409#Comment_120942409

I'm just trying to ignore at this point and concentrate on my own work. Its a management problem and there is nothing I can do about. When you look at some of the job cuts this year I'm actually lucky to have a secure job even if the HSE has lots of problems.

There usually is coffee and tea after the parkrun I go to along with some food. I usually don't stay beyond 30 mins as people start to leave, but its a nice activity to do instead of sitting on the couch in the morning. I might give the volunteer a try some day and see how it goes. I'm still on the look out for a running group so I might look on here at least to help point me in the right direction.

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120954474#Comment_120954474

Have you a link for an online assessment?

I have thought about getting diagnosed for autism and adhd, but its very expensive and I think I would have to go all the way to Dublin to do it privately.

Fakediamond

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120977863#Comment_120977863

There’s one called the aspie quiz, which is free. You can get an assessment via zoom for 850e. It’s expensive but I think you can claim a good chunk back if you have private health insurance. As someone who’s only recently come to the realisation myself that I’m neurodiversive, it’s a huge relief and allows me review my life through a different lens and to not be so hard on myself about friendships etc. A diagnosis might not massively change your life, but will hopefully help you to live more comfortably with yourself 🙂

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120989352#Comment_120989352

I did the quiz and got a score of 61%. I'm not sure if thats considered high, but thats what I got. I'm not sure about the assessment just as 850 euro seems a lot even if it would help.

Forest43

What would be the cost to be assessed privately in person for autism?

Fakediamond

I don’t know how much an in person assessment costs but I know it’s very expensive. There’s lots of information on google on the different services available.

Forest43

I thought I would post in this thread as it is my thread.

Something that has been bothering me lately is one of the few friends at work I feel like I am close to has been replacing me with another work colleague. She is free to make friends with whoever she wants I don't want to come across as a controlling psycho who thinks she is my friend and nobody else can be friends with her.

Its just I feel like she has abandoned me lately and doesn't value me much as a friend. I have issues with feeling abandoned and rejected from my early childhood and it hits home that it is happening all over again. I have done my best to be a good friend by being kind, helpful and generous, but just feel its not reciprocated and am just pushed down the pecking order for someone else.

I overreacted today by being a bit cold towards her at work which was wrong for me to do, but it was just frustration from feeling invisible and not appreciated by her. I know my behaviour was childish, but it was more the thought I was losing a friend and feeling less important to her. I text her to apologise, but so far no reply. I know I'm not the most interesting person to talk to, but the feeling of being rejected by others in my past was on my mind since and has made me feel a bit down on myself.

Forest43

Just for the record I was doing a lot better until now, but today made me feel really low. I know I could have been more mature in how I dealt with the situation. It was just a case of I will reject myself before she fully rejects me and wanted to take control of the situation.

Dial Hard

It's very possible you were coming across as too needy to this colleague and it caused her to pull back a bit. And unfortunately your subsequent behaviour will likely only have cemented that decision for her.

I understand that you have abandonment issues but it's not for other people to make you feel safe/accepted, that's something you need to work on yourself. I suspect your "I'm being the best friend ever to her!" was received very much as you coming on way too strong. I would also say that work colleagues are not the people to look to for true friendship - they're there to work, not hold your hand, sorry if that comes across as harsh.

LilacNails

Hi OP,

I know I have gone through something similar being so paranoid uv done something to upset someone u rely on for so much. And that's the catch. Most likely unaware, and unintentionally you put her on a peddle still, she was 'meeting' ur needs and you have become dependent on her. I get it. It happens to me alot!

But.... u need to view this as a lesson learned. And sometimes the only way we learn is from making mistakes. It's OK. Who doesn't make mistakes. I know ur beating yourself up.over this, ur gonna do it. But u gonna have to stop. How? By being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself to be sad over it. Uv overcome alot, had to take the long rocky lonesome road to get where u are now. U are still learning. U are still growing. Ur.not always gonna get things right. Uv done alot of scary things, so many others would not do nor have any idea how scary they are. That's where u need to be a friend to yourself and say fair fcuks to me, I'm trying hard, iv tried hard things, it's been so difficult but I haven't given up....

Ur gonna come across other.people in.life, she's not the only person. There will be someone else it's just so hard to find people to genuinely connect with. But u have to be aware of when ur beginning to rely and put others before you.....people pleasing....wanting sooo much to be accepted and fit in. I do it still, but I'm aware when I do this, and try detach myself some bit, still struggling to get it right, but for my own respect and self care I'm aware I'm doing no favours by wanting nd needing so much to be liked and valued.

It really all.comes down to self love, self care and self acceptance.

I would suggest talking to a therapist, if u can find one u can connect with. There's tools you can learn. Iv done DBT and schema therapy, they are very helpful. They don't cure, but like I said they provide tools and helps ease things.

Ur gonna feel **** and awkward at work, but u just gotta go in there and feel it, face it, accept it...and just try let it go, for your own good and out of respect for yourself. life throws stupid suitations like these all the time, but u can grow and learn from them. Take something from this experience.

Ur not alone, I relate alot to ur OP. But self love is the building base that needs to be in place, before anything else.

LilacNails

Dial Hard

Ur spot on. Even I have to take this advice too. Its harsh, but its true and u just got to accept it. There's going to be more important things in life I the future, u Will eventually forget about this suitation, just please go easy on yourself, beating yourself up WILL keep u in this same place.

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121546536#Comment_121546536

I don't think you were being harsh, I think you made some valid points. Looking back on it maybe I have been coming on a bit strong and needy from her perspective and she felt the need to pull back.

She is someone I consider a friend, not a close friend or best friend, but just a friend I felt comfortable around. I'm under no illusions that its no more than that, but I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt nonetheless. I disagree you can't be friends with work colleagues maybe not best friends forever, but just simply being a friend. I have probably put too much onus on this one friendship and I'm trying too hard to keep it. I think in future I will stay friendly with this work colleague, but try and keep more distance between us as its probably not the healthiest dynamic at the moment.

Forest43

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121547180#Comment_121547180

I think I people please by helping them with tasks to compensate for my lack of being quick witted or being a good storyteller. I put her on a pedestal because she is one of the few people I consider a friend and thought she felt the same way. I'm afraid that the friendship would fail if I don't do this, but maybe I need to accept it has or will eventually run its course and the friendship while probably not dead maybe not as strong as it is or I wish it could be.

Its a hard lesson to learn which I will do my best to use the experience to better myself. I consider myself a late bloomer at least in forming and understanding relationships so I guess this is just part of the learning curve. I know there is people out there somewhere I could get to know and form friendships, but its just sometimes if this friendship ends I worry about feeling isolated again. I'm currently working on moving to a bigger city which should take me up to 18 months max to save up for and hopefully really get the ball rolling on meeting people and making more friends.

I'm working with a therapist at the moment though I haven't seen him in over a month due to Christmas and other things taking up my time. Hes helpful at the very least as someone who will listen and challenge my thoughts, but need to go back to doing regular sessions again. But you are right I just need to work on myself and continue on my journey. There is going to be tough moments like this, but maybe I need to accept that is part of the journey and hopefully its leading to a brighter future.