Life regrets and accepting my past

Hi OP, really sorry to hear this, feel really bad for you😔 it sounds like your past is impacting your present so I think it makes sense why it's hard to process and accept your past, rather than simply forgetting about it and being positive.

From your post I gather you're in your late 20s/early 30s. You, like most people would have been very different compared to your youth. As in when I was a teen in school I was as quiet as a mouse and super shy, but with life experience and work opportunities, it really helped me come out of my shell. You have your job now, so hopefully that's helping with your confidence.

Sometimes we do what we need to at a time/situation in our life just to survive from a perceived threat, so like maybe at the time you were invited to a friends house but were afraid for many reasons not to go, perhaps fear of saying the wrong thing or rejection, so in order to feel safe and maintain comfort you opted for avoidance. My point is, your younger self probably did the best they could at the time, so maybe you could look at them with a bit more compassion, they weren't psychic to see what was to come. You're grieving your past self and possible past opportunities and that's understandable and allowed. I think it's great you've been trying to seek support and im sorry the GPs and therapists weren't sufficiently helpful.

Sometimes it's about reframing perspectives, I'm truly sorry your dad passed away. I also see by not having a typical job and by helping him on the farm, perhaps you got to spend more time with him before his passing and you also helped him out in his time of need, which is truly admirable and I'm sure he massively appreciated it, it may not have happened If you were in a job that required too many hours to handle.

I took up a career that's beyond competitive, in an area where you're expected to work for free to further your career and have invested so much time to it and in my early 30s am still on 20k-ish salary. I was in a serious car crash that took me out of work for 3 years and have no savings and plenty of college and medical debt. I feel like a failure myself at times, lots of frustration and regrets that I didn't do x, y and z and I should have done this and should have done that, but added guilt isn't going to change it I guess, perhaps we can get another chance at life but this time with added learning and growth along the way.

Also from the RTA, I did get to spend time with my parents/family where some people don't get that time and opportunity. I'm just giving you my example to compare to because sometimes you can do things 'right' and it still doesn't get you anywhere/where you want to be. I think you're great to have got the job you have and you're working hard on your savings, that's really admirable and something to be proud of.

Now in terms of loneliness, you now have the opportunity to change that if you're willing. Have you tried the site 'meet up'? Could be a great opportunity to engage in activities and make friends. Also, if you want a relationship, you could try the dating sites like tinder, pof, and bumble for example.

OP I think you would benefit from going to talk to a different therapist. I don't know enough about these things to advise in any great depth. But I know that some therapists go back to your younger days and work forward from there. You seem to be very stuck and fixated on your formative years, even though you have long since moved past them. You should be able to pick up your life and start from now, yet back you still go to things that happened 10-15 years ago. Not everybody has a great time at school or even at college, despite the perceptions you have. Everyone develops at their own pace but you're still trapped in a time warp.

Beating yourself up about your past is just about the most futile thing you can do. Aside from it being something you can't change, it's not of any interest to anybody. As somebody who's older than you are, I can tell you that as time moves on, your school and college years become more and more irrelevant. They should be diminishing in your life too but they're not. You're holding onto them, your regret and your hurt for dear life. I wonder are you using all these incidents and regrets as reasons to shy away from living life in the now.

You also need help to accept who you are. There are lots of people who don't have a wide circle of friends and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people make friends easily and draw others towards them. Others don't and that's fine too. There's no point in getting mad at yourself for being introverted and not having cultivated loads of friends if that isn't the way you're wired. What is wrong is how you've decided you've blown your chances of making any connections. You also don't like yourself very much which is very sad. I think you need to look again at therapy and try to find somebody who will challenge you and do more than just tell you to stop living in the past. Somebody with the proper training needs to sit down with you and give you the tools to move forward. You said you're working with the HSE - I assume there's an employee assistance service where you are. Start there - it'll cost you nothing.

It sounds like you really learned a lesson...which is a big deal in itself. You are aware now of the consequences of not creating your community or safety net. You are still so young and you can start from scratch...whether its something simple like colunteering in somthing you enjoy or doing a sport. U will always find like minded people if you do something you consider enjoyable. I am still finding new groups of friends or colleagues...I have no expectations of them...I dont pry into their past...so maybe hope that the same wont happen to you. I find it soo refreshing to hear honesty in people...people who do open up...i now gravitate towards them...so dont be afraid to show a little vulnerability. Section that chapter off in your young self and constantly separate it as 'just a chapter' from your now life so you can stay positive. Fyi..other people who look like they have it together in their twenties...can lose it so easy in their forties.

Would joining a group or organisation be possible?

If you were in a structured setting e.g. attending things, helping in a drama group, would it take pressure off you in the whole starting conversations piece, maybe even a book club? Actually getting involved in something with mixed ages as in adults of every vintage has great advantages, it dramatically reduces pressure on you compared to being in the company where flirting or initiating contact would be required.

The important thing here is that by getting on well in work you've proven that you can thrive when you're in a stable situation, probably where people have defined roles and duties, there's less pressure on you than in social type situations.

Maybe instead of running or in addition start doing some fitness classes or a boot camp. Some people simply need structured settings to allow them shine.

I recognise lots of what you say above and would only add that experiences are only experiences. they are often greater in value in our minds because we haven't done them than they are often in reality. You are in a position to expand the good things that you are doing now, to make things better.

Focussing on what you don't have and assuming that everyone else has what you don't is as old as the hills. For lots of reasons people are on their own and wish that they weren't. I see in the rural community where I live that lots and lots of people of your age have no tie to the community, no contact with others they were in school with or played sport with etc etc. It's actually very normal in the modern world.

imo you are taking life too serious ,your analysing too much details of your past .Nearly everyone has up and downs all the way trough school and life .example i have plenty regrets from my past but then i compare with what I acheived so I dont feel too bad about myself.The truth is life is too short for regrets .A hell of alot of people would love to be in your shoes at the beginning of the most exciting part of your life with a car and a good job but you can be sure you will get plenty of headaches from the opposite sex as well

I am so sorry to hear you are going through depression. It is a horrific thing to experience. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Depression feeds itself and you feel trapped. Depression is a hidden illness that most people dismiss as being you need to stop whinging and get on with things. I have been through the wringer with depression and anxiety. To this day I still struggle with it on a daily basis. Like you I constantly feel like a failure and I don’t deserve anyone’s attention. I also hate talking to people even my own family because I feel like I am going to say something stupid or say something in the wrong way. You have good job, your own car. You are 29 going on 30. That’s still young. You have plenty of time. You have done so many great things such as travelling, going to the gym regularly, losing weight, running 3 10km races! They may seem small and insignificant to you but believe me they are wonderful achievements. I know from experience life seems so hard and there doesn’t seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. Trust yourself, acknowledge the things you like about yourself, give yourself a hug, celebrate the achievements you have made, surround yourself with things you love. There are people out there who will like you for you and will want to spend time with you. You just have find them.

Hi OP, you mentioned you've started running as a hobby, would you consider joining a running group near you (you can usually find them on Facebook/local group pages etc.). Running groups have a nice array of ages, personalities, goals and a really great way to improve your run times and make meet new people. Many people from the group I was in 7 years ago, I'm still friends with and some of them went on to join the local running club.

It's hard when people you like leave a job but the changes make you stronger. There will be new people replacing them that will need your help, chats and guidance :)