Is getting married the most stupid thing you could do?

pgj2015

He has also used his official website to share his views on marriage, writing: "I'm the last of my guy friends to have never gotten married, and their wives — they don't want them playing with me. I'm like the escaped slave — I bring news of freedom."

I hear what he is saying. only 1 of my married friends is allowed hang out with me. And that is because he has a really easy going wife. Married women usually hate their husbands hanging out with their single friends which is wrong and sad but you can see why they feel that way.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119539229#Comment_119539229

I had a child from a long term relationship when I was 27. Relationship failed while I was pregnant. I bought a house on my own for me and child when I was 28. Decided at that point, that my home would be a sanctuary and only for myself and my child.

I have had other relationships, I just never invited anyone to move in, or was interested in marriage. My choices, as my priority was my child first, and later to protect my property from any claims on it, for her. I am now in my fifties, and they are still my rules.

As an aside, see comment someone made above - "find a single mother with a council house." This actually happens, more than you think.

notAMember

The data is that life expectancy and active life expectancy increases with marriage, more so for men than for women. Wealth and standard of living also increases with marriage as resources are pooled. People supporting each other are generally more successful in life than going it alone. But marriage is just the legal formalisation of a long term relationship. It's a contract.

But maybe the real question is OP, what makes you think you have that choice? If you're not in a relationship , which is the usual pre-req for a marriage, why would you think marriage is an available option for you? Assuming the marriage you're talking about is hetro, data shows that self proclaimed "incels" (single lonely men) are rising. ~65% of people looking for partners on dating apps are men.

With the removal of bans on women working, better education, better supports for maternity etc, women don't need marriage to survive as much as it was in the past, and don't tolerate abuse as much within a relationship. They don't even need men for procreation any more, pop down the local sperm bank.

The data shows that men are better off in health and wealth in marriage. Women not so much, which bears out when you see who typically ends the arrangement. Truth is these days , if you’re a guy, the chance at marriage would be a fine thing.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540079#Comment_119540079

im successful already and im single. I could easily get married if I wanted but I have no interest in it. Women definitely want a relationship more than men do. men aren't usually happy with 1 woman so that is why they shouldn't settle for 1 woman. maybe I just see too many examples of unhappy marriages and relationships.

do couples support each other to make them more successful? im single and a workaholic, as if a woman would support me working 7 days a week lol she would hold me back most likely, oh are you working again, I want you to go (insert any thing here.)

john123470

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119538966#Comment_119538966

Lols

- the poem is not just about the last line.

The meaning is quite simple if you take the time to read it

screamer

I’d have been a supporter of marriage until I saw 2 close male relatives go through divorce. I don’t think marriage is the issue it’s kids, or rather the power that the women wield by having the kids. Awful to see the men made homeless and all sorts of false allegations made to speed up the split and Get their hands on welfare payments faster.

its not the marriage it’s the person you marry I believe and there are some bunny boilers out there.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540408#Comment_119540408

Weird how people get so snarky for practically no reason here!

No, it's not just about the last line - it's about all the lines, the most famous one being "They fu*k you up, your mum and dad". How have I not read it? That makes no sense. Also, poetry is subject to interpretation.

john123470

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540939#Comment_119540939

Good - than allow me my interpretation of the poem

I included the poem here because I think it is relevant

"Snarkiness" is telling a poster that it isn't

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119539720#Comment_119539720

Interesting idea, but also a tad 'selfish'? It is true that when you marry, for most people, what is yours becomes theirs and what is theirs becomes yours. But that's for the better of all. It's also why generally people of roughly equal status and value choose each other as marriage partners. Marriages where one spouse is much richer than the other are more fraught I think.

As for your daughter, that too is a nice thought that she may inherit the fruits of your efforts. But that may also limit her in some ways too, and frame her expectations of work and life.

We got nothing from our respective families when we married, too many children on both sides and too few resources. So we've had to pay our own way in life, save and acquire a house, raise children etc. I don't regret that at all, as we are independent as a result.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119539404#Comment_119539404

Some weirdos out there. I do not know one woman who doesn't "allow" her husband to hang around with certain friends, or hates her husband meeting his single friends.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540989#Comment_119540989

My daughter has health issues which we were told most likely would prevent her from being able to work - though we are hopeful that now as WFH is more accepted that she might be able to find work that she can do from home. Hence some of my decisions.

Thank you for your input.

RobbieTheRobber

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541026#Comment_119541026

It could also be an easy excuse this posters "friends" are making so they don't have to go out with them.

I have never blamed my wife on not going out but I have pulled the family commitments excuse when I didn't want to deal with a hangover go out a particular weekend.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540422#Comment_119540422

....or maybe we ve fcuked up issues such as housing, health care, general welfare etc, so much, it causes people to do fcuked up things to try get what they need to survive.....

Oh yeah my dad - "I'd better ask the wife heheh". If he genuinely asked for her permission to go out, she'd just be baffled. He just doesn't want to.

mumo3

Marriage is not something that ever interested me!! I was with my partner for 13 years, 3 kids, house the whole thing but was never interested in getting married. Most of my female friends are married, with only 1 divorce so that's a good survival rate!!

But what turns me off marriage, is the hoops you have to jump through if it all goes to sh!t, when my relationship ended it just ended, he moved out became an absolute pr!ck, so could only imagine the torment he would have put me through if we had to engage solicitors in a divorce!!

Now in a new relationship with a guy who is divorced and would love to get married again, but it still isn't for me!! Although it would suit better to be married for tax/inheritance purposes but nothing else!!(he has no kids, his own business, and greedy f*cking siblings who feel as he has no kids he should be paying for their holidays/nights out etc etc I kid you not)

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541338#Comment_119541338

And what do your children think? Would they prefer to have two parents in a, from their POV, a stable & lasting relationship that is marriage?

Children accept the status quo and get on with it. But that doesn't stop them worrying about what would happen to them if Mam or Dad disappeared. And if they've only one........

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541745#Comment_119541745

My father died when my youngest sibling was 2 years old.

Should my mother have remarried to provide him with "two parents"?

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541761#Comment_119541761

That was common in the past, both ways, when the mother or father died. One of my parents died and there was a new marriage, so I have step siblings.

I often thought that it actually takes greater commitment for a couple to live together as either one can 'just walk out', compared to marriage where there are some constraints to departure. But that is why marriage is good for kids - it provides more likelihood of stability.

yourdeadwright

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119538866#Comment_119538866

That a a bit of a mad statement,

Iv friends who where once "strangers" that i would absolutely trust with my life, Let alone my Wife , the mother of my children, i know her better than my own siblings who i am very close to ,

So should your Ma & Da, Granny & Grand Da not trust each other ? Bizarre statement

mumo3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541745#Comment_119541745

My children of course where upset by the fact their parents split, but should I have kept them living in a home that had a toxic environment? But I feel a bitter divorce would have caused more ongoing trauma for my children!! I have no dealings with their father, my eldest was old enough to have a phone at the time, he called her to speak with them.

I have a fantastic family unit not just with my family, but with their fathers family... so god forbid anything happened to me, my children would never for one minute have to worry about who's going step in!!

My relationship would have ended whether we where married or not, we got together young, had kids young enough so by the time we hit our thirties, we where two completely different people!!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541773#Comment_119541773

So do you think children of separated couples don't have stability?

Walking away from a failed marriage does not mean the children no longer have two parents.

I think kids trapped in a home with two parents who are stuck in an unhappy marriage are a lot worse off then kids of separated parents.

Flashdan

I've been with my Wife for 18 years. It was the best thing I ever did. Not 100% sure she thinks the same 🤣

Hooked

Marriage... when done at the right age, for the right reasons by the right people... is... great. Too many people get hitched because of family or peer pressures, and then move on to the house, kids and the rest, just following the status-quo. A wife can then resent the decision if she's married at say 23 and her life is then spent caring for growing kids in relative isolation (stay at home parent) until she's in her early 40s. Social life, travel, free time all take a huge back seat.

I was 37 and my wife 29. We'd been together 4 years and had a wealth of real-life experience, travel, relationships and ups and downs. We both shared similar outlooks and wanted the same things (in our futures)... and 7 years on - nothing has really changed (Me 44, her 36). We had a small wedding, didn't have the honeymoon till months later and only last year found our forever home. Plus, we don't want or have kids.

Should - and sure, it happens, this not work out - I'd like to think that we'll be able to get through that "chapter" of our lives as we are both very independent, confident and financially stable people outside of our marriage.

For me - you can have both... once ye both have friends, activities and the time to continue to enjoy life without your partner constantly by your side. Balance is key. As is finding the right person.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119542195#Comment_119542195

It is what it is and children and people are eventually adaptable. But yes, parents separating/ divorcing in general does reduce stability for children, that's self obvious. It's very likely better for them if one or other parent is violent, but where there are just verbals I'm not so sure. My sister split up and two of the children broadly aligned with her and the other two more with the dad. No winners in all that.

Which is why widows with children tended to marry in times past - for support. And widowers with children also but maybe more so for help with child rearing. Of course attitudes have changed now and single parents are far more common but that doesn't necessarily give more stability to children, even if it's manageable.

To the OPs point, marriage is a bit redundant now (bar tax/ inheritance benefits) for childless by choice couples. But once children come into it, I think it offers greater prospect of stability for them.

mumo3

Remember in days gone by men where the bread winners, but in most cases those days are gone. I have for the most part have always had a well paying job and with I was lucky my kids where cared for by my parents, including doing the school runs!! So there was no need to be married to ensure I had income support.

corner of hells

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119540132#Comment_119540132

You sound like quite a catch .

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119547271#Comment_119547271

Yeah well, im not an alcoholic who doesn't work and beats women. There are far worse things to be than a workaholic.

yourdeadwright

Baffles me how human's can survive until there 20s & not understand that there are things they love that other simply don't

How can you survive on the planet that long & not realise people have different wants & needs,

It's an every day concept

I like mint ice cream my kids do not ( so don't have to share)

My son likes Spider man my daughter does not,

My Daughter likes Unicorns my son does not,

I like Pizza my wife does not ,

OP likes kids others do not , understand that its normal & get on with your life,

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119541338#Comment_119541338

How was it made simpler by not being married? You surely still have to split the house, custody of the children, assets gained during the relationship.

mumo3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119548251#Comment_119548251

House was my family home, non married fathers have no custody rights in this country.... he didn't bring me to court for access & I didn't bother bringing him for maintenance, as he lost his job within the following year and I would have been award what €20 a week? I wasn't getting into arguments with anybody over that amount and he didn't offer up any maintenance either!! He went his way and I went mine, he dealt directly with the kids and still does!!