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I hate my daughter



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,553 ✭✭✭lmimmfn

    Stupid question, but have you ever tried to discuss and clarify the past with your daughter? even if its a difficult situation of listening to her grievances about the situation only?

    You won't be around forever, you should try and make peace regardless of the past(same for your daughter but she's not the one posting :) ).

    Life is very short for such things to take away valuable family time together.

  • Registered Users Posts: 360 ✭✭Xidu

    My mother was married again when I was 7. I was scared at that time. They were apart when I was 9 and she was married again when I was 11.

    I was scared becoz she never really introduced stepfather to me properly.

    She thinks I was a child I don’t know anything so she didn’t believe there’s need to talk to me.

    I was so scared in my childhood and teen life. Becoz I don’t feel secure.

    And that was the time kids need their moms the mostly. Not when they are grown up they can look after themselves.

    you made her felt insecure and upset Her feelings. And made her felt she was abandoned.

    you need to put a lot of effort to regain that trust. Lady!

  • Registered Users Posts: 469 ✭✭derb12

    I’ve read through this whole thread and really had my eyes opened about the effects of a difficult marriage/abusive partner on kids.

    but I just can’t get past this. If the daughter has legitimate reasons to resent the OP and not want her in her life, why did she take money from her for a deposit and avail of all the free babysitting. She can’t have it both ways - either the OP has callously disregarded her daughter’s wellbeing (abusive ex etc etc) and the daughter has legitimate grounds for cutting her out of her life and not trusting her to care for the grandkids OR the daughter is just a user.

    my gut reaction is the latter but I have to say that the responses defending the daughters actions have been enlightening.

    OP, no matter what, you need to try to establish a healthier relationship with your daughter. Could a trusted 3rd party (maybe an uncle or aunt that has a good relationship with both of you help persuade her to do some family counselling with you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,563 ✭✭✭Princess Calla

    I think there's a massive difference between marrying a partner and dating a partner.

    The guy was on the scene 2 years of that it was only every second or third weekend he stayed with them.

    The daughter also lived with her dad. On a week on week off basis.

    I just can't help but feel if the relationship was so abusive, so toxic why she wouldn't say, actually I want to live with my dad full time....or at the very least have some sort of discussion.

    She was a teenager at the time, teenagers tend to speak their mind.

    Also if it was so bad how come the father didn't notice....if there was a new adult in my children's life I'd definitely be asking subtle questions and keeping an eye and ear on the situation.

    To me it feels like the daughter might be feeling her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted ...from the sounds of it career wise she's looking for someone to blame. She can't take responsibility for herself so she's pinning everything bad in her life on her mother's toxic relationship with an ex boyfriend. It's the easiest thing in the world to blame someone else for our own shortcomings.

    The mother has acknowledged the situation and apologized. She can't go back and change the past.

    To me it sounds like the daughter wants to have someone she can control and dominate and each time the mother doesn't dance to the daughter's tune she gets hit with..."when I was 15 you did x y and z to me"

    The mother is living in some sort of purgatory.

    Also it needs to be remembered that while the daughter may feel justified in what she's saying, the guy is still her little brother's dad. No one should have to listen to their dad being run into the ground by another person...even if it is justified... he's still the boys dad and the only one he'll ever have.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 24,108 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy

    There's a lot none of us know here. For all we know the abusive ex also abused the daughter and the OP was oblivious to it at the time and has been being "punished" for it by her daughter who blames her for it. Or less dramatically, the daughter resents a childhood during which her mother prioritised (at least for a time) a relationship with a man she now describes as abusive over her relationship with a daughter that was still probably reeling from her parents separation.

    I've noticed a trend that people quickest to use the "how dare you speak to me like that?" schtick tend to be the ones who most need to listen to what's just been said to them instead of immediately going on the offensive themselves in the mistaken belief that offense is the best form of defence and that it's more important to "win" than to listen to the potentially valid viewpoint of the other person (even it it's put hurtfully or too bluntly). Perhaps there's an element of that playing out here OP? You're objecting to the way something is being said instead of hearing the thing that's being said in a hurtful fashion?

    It may just be that the OP's daughter has seen a happier ideal of what family life can be in her new husband's family and is ashamed of her own past and dealing with it badly by trying to keep her mother at a distance and going on the attack when called on it. None of us know, from the sounds of it, not even the OP.

    Family counselling could be worth a shot if your daughter is open to it but don't go in with any naieve notions that such sessions will be all about the therapist validating your world view and telling your daughter how to do better. It'll be a hard path for all involved and with many uncomfortable things to be said, and heard, by all involved.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,624 ✭✭✭notAMember

    she had the youngest christened last week and invited everybody from both sides of the families but excluded me.

    I feel resentful towards those who went knowing I was excluded, I cried pretty much the entire day

    Today I can honestly say I hate my daughter, despise the nasty, hurtful, spiteful person she has become. I dont even know what my youngest Grandchild looks like and the older girl will have forgotten me and we loved spending time together. It has split the family in two but I dont think I can ever forgive her for how shes behaved.

    This is very sad. You say it has split the family in two. You say it is about a holiday that you left her out of 15 years ago, but it's clearly far more than that now. Otherwise it would be just her excluding you, but it seems like your whole family is also excluding you too?

    I think you need a mediator. someone that your daughter respects, and you also respect, to be a peacemaker between you. If there's no-one like that, then a professional counsellor could also take that role.

  • Registered Users Posts: 20,394 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright

    I stopped reading at this part " I wasn't Mary Poppins but my kids never went without, they had holidays each year, they were dressed in the latest fashion "

    Adding that sentence alone in your post is a huge red flag, why say that ? do you think giving your kids holidays & the latest fashion is what they need from a mother ,why is it relevant

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,523 ✭✭✭Curious_Case

    Is there any chance that this all stems from her father demonising you in order to absolve himself of any responsibility regarding the separation?

    Post edited by Curious_Case on

  • Registered Users Posts: 360 ✭✭Xidu

    Ok I have one more comments.

    the way OP used to treat her daughter, was she spoilt? might give her daughter an idea that she is trying to make up for the broken marriage. And she take granted for everything?

    then op mentioned her attitude changed since she had a relationship. So I wonder if the son in law side have some influence?

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,307 ✭✭✭SAMTALK

    From the information given here it does seems that your daughter is a little spoilt in my opinion.

    She wants nothing to do with you, until she needs deposit, babysitter etc.. Wants her cake and eat it I think

    Has she made any effort to pay back deposit ? it seems strange that it has got worse since this and moving in with his family