I hate my daughter

TheminxIRL

This could be long so apologies upfront.

Some background, my Daughter was always a Daddy's girl, we split up when her and her brother were 9 and 11. Amicably, no one else involved just too much too young. I met someone a couple of years after we split who treated me badly, broke my spirit, made me feel worthless, ugly and used me financially. We had a son together who made it all worth the two years on and off of tolerating his crap.

So fast forward ten years and it turns out my Daughter resents me for being with him, how he took me away once on holiday and left her behind, her brother didnt go either just for clarification, I didnt pay and in hindsight perhaps I shouldnt have gone but apparently she has always resent me for it. How sometimes he would want to go somewhere maybe an hour or two and because she would be with her friends we would go and let her know and again she took this as being excluded. I did apologise to both her and her brother for being weak at the time, I was definitely not of strong character, not that thats an excuse but i genuinely didnt realise she felt like this, she was a teenager at this point and favoured being with her friends so i thought she was happy with how things went at home. My son said I didnt owe him an apology he was happy with his childhood but my daughter didnt acknowledge my apology.

I wasnt Mary Poppins but my kids never went without, they had holidays each year, they were dressed in the latest fashion, taken out each Sunday when I was off work, just your normal family. They were regularly told I loved them, if anything was wrong we talked about it, tried to put it right.

In case it has any bearing on it, my daughter has an illness that took time to get meds right for so she did have some time where she wasnt overly well. I took her to every appointment, stayed with her in the hospital, met with the doctors on her behalf even into her early 20s. If anyone should have felt they were excluded it was her brother, he was always playing second field to her illness, appointments but I did again make a conscious effort to give him individual attention when I could.

So she leaves school, doesnt get the marks she needed for her course but finds an alternative way of doing what she wants, great, tell her how proud I am and more so given that she hasnt been well for a lot of her schooling.

Changes her mind and goes down a totally different route, again told her how being happy is more important, she loves what she is doing, I love she loves it. Her brother leaves school, does great, gets to do a college course in his chose field, will and has led to a great job, hes set for life. But im just as proud of both of them

She meets her now husband, he stays over, lovely chap, she goes to live in his parents house with him. All good. Then I notice a change in attitude towards me. Theres a harshness, a lack of tolerance. I say something in a crowd and she either contradicts or just rolls her eyes. It hurts, im back feeling not good enough all over again but this time its from my daughter.

I try pretend im imagining it, perhaps reading too much into it. Then her and her bf need a deposit for their first house together, would I pay it I do, of course its my daughters first house.

Still that harshness towards me, her character is so different when speaking to her now mother in law or her Aunties on her fathers side etc.

So they get engaged, set a date for the wedding. I buy her dress as a gift, shes my only daughter. I drive her and her bridesmaids to the shop, stay overnight, her future mother in law comes in her own car with future sister in laws (2) and my daughter asks for her opinion on the dress, veil etc, I just go with the flow, its a once in a lifetime experience im not going to be petty.

So they get married and slowly but surely I am noticing they smart remarks, the cutting comments getting worse so have enough and tell her that I dont like how she speaks to me, basically treating me like s*it. So I get the silent treatment for 4 months until I apologise for speaking like that to her. I genuinely wasnt ignorant just pointed out how she spoke to me. We did start speaking again but I was given a "warning" if I ever spoke to her like that again we were finished.

She then has her two daughters, in quick succession, Im over the moon, in love with them both, I babysit for all day weddings, change my days off in work to babysit, took them and didnt go to her 30th birthday party because she wouldnt organise one unless she had a proper babysitter not a stranger, fair enough, I volunteered. I loved spending time with the kids for any reason. I would have spent as much time as I could minding them, nothing was too much. It was my pleasure and I loved being able to help out where ever I could.

Then I needed her help. She is a hairdresser by trade, works from home since she had her babies. I had an interview for a new job, needed my roots touched up to look my best, messaged and asked her to do it for me and her reply was no. Turns out I had forgotten I owed her 40 euro from the last time 2 months before, genuinely. She accused me of not forgetting. She said some other things but I just said again I dont like her speaking to me like ****. That was the conversation. Last February.

I havent seen my two granbabies since, she has ignored all my messages, i dont even try now. I sent presents for Easter for the kids, clothes and eggs. Not a word, I got no.card for Mothers day, my birthday and she had the youngest christened last week and invited everybody from both sides of the families but excluded me.

I feel resentful towards those who went knowing I was excluded, I cried pretty much the entire day

Today I can honestly say I hate my daughter, despise the nasty, hurtful, spiteful person she has become. I dont even know what my youngest Grandchild looks like and the older girl will have forgotten me and we loved spending time together. It has split the family in two but I dont think I can ever forgive her for how shes behaved. She told my mother I put my ex before her but my son doesnt think so. That was 15 years ago, I since apologised. Im lost

Is there any going back form this?

So sorry its so long, I just needed to get it all out I feel empty

MrMusician18

If you genuinely hate your daughter then there is no going back from this at least until those feelings are addressed. You can't have a relationship with someone you hate.

Relationships are also two way streets your daughter must want to have a relationship with you too. If on the deepest level she is through with you, then there is no going back either - and that is obviously outside of your control. You have given us your side of the story, your daughter would likely have a different view of events.

That said, if both parties can independently see that the situation that has developed is harmful and they both want to change it but don't know how, well the situation is salvageable. In that case, mediation or reaching out through a family member or trusted friend that is in contact with both sides is something I suggest as a first step. Is your son still in contact with her?

Sadly though estrangement is extremely common and often becomes entrenched, becoming far more than what the original grievance was about (if it can be even remembered at all). From what you've described, it looks like it's on its way to becoming very difficult to turn around - there's a lot of hurt feelings so it will take a lot of magnanimity from both you and her to save this. And that can only be done if you both want and can do that.

TheminxIRL

My son doesn't want to get involved, which I understand completely. He won't take sides even though he feels stuck.

I do hate her right now, or maybe its her actions.

I agree there are always 2 sides, trust me I'd love to know what hers is because I don't see what justifies hurting me so badly when ive always done my best by her.

MrMusician18

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119339653#Comment_119339653

The reason I say there is always two sides is because similar issues between family members have been posted before and depending on what way the story is spun can result in a consensus of "you're better off without them". The truth I feel tends to lie often very close to middle.

You talk though of your daughter's grievance being old, 15 years, but then list your own historical grievances too. We are talking a lot of old hurt here and that all needs to be let go of, and similarly for your daughter - she needs to let go of hers too.

Some last question for you to ponder, do you actually want a relationship with her, or really is it just with your grandchildren?

Your relationship with her must be because you want one with her and not be just a means to an end - time with the children. What do you think a relationship with you could offer to her?

Jequ0n

Your whole post reads like a list of things that you have done for your daughter, and how you don’t deserve her treatment as a consequence. Personally I find this very irritating because it reminds me of my own mother.

Be honest with yourself: how did you react in the past when she told you that you had let her down? Did you enquire what she meant and did you talk about it, or did you think that an apology absolved you of anything and that the past should just be forgotten?

I can tell you that there are things that will not just be forgiven and forgotten. You have no idea how irritating it is if your experiences are minimised by “yes but” counter arguments.

shesty

The thing is I suppose (as a mother) I tend to think that viewing being a parent as "well I did all those things for you, you should like me/appreciate me" is not a great viewpoint.I do understand that you are probably laying all this out just to explain your side of things here.Honestly though, you also have to realise that your daughter is part of this too.She has to want to have a relationship too.While I understand she might have her reasons, can you also see that there is a danger of your turning yourself into a doormat to keep her happy?Which I don't really think is a great situation either, to be allowed in her life depending on her latest whim.

I think you need to speak with someone or try some form of mediation if you want to resolve this because I don't think it will solve itself.

starbaby2003

I find your subject line very confrontational. It sounds like you are looking for validation in what you are saying. As an outsider, it seems to me you gloss over your own missteps by blaming others. Your expartner - you were an adult with two kids. If he didn’t accept them, which it sounds like he didn’t and you accepted it, I’d be pissed too if I was your daughter. You seem to be insinuating that her husband is the reason for her change in behaviour. It may be that her husband loves her for who she is and this in turn has given her the self worth to stand up for herself. The stuff you listed as doing for her, I wouldn’t even consider that going anyway above as a mother ? For most people they do it because they want to. They want their kids to be happy. I really think you need to take a long hard look at your own actions and how accepting you are of them. I think counselling would be of benefit.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254569/i-hate-my-daughter

You were in a relationship with an abuser. There may be things you don’t know. You may not be aware of all aspects regarding how he treated your daughter. You probably need to try and meet to listen to her to tell you exactly what the issue is.

Dial Hard

What's her relationship with her father like? I'm also a bit confused about how many sons you have, is it one or two? You keep referring to her brother in the singular, does she have a relationship with your son from the abusive relationship or am I reading the opening of your post wrong and she only has one brother?

TheminxIRL

Sorry I have 2 but my youngest is only a teen so not really exposed to too much, it's not fair on him so he knows we have fallen out but he sees her occasionally

TheminxIRL

I meet a brick wall if I try. I'm not in anyway defending him and never would but he was mentally and verbally abusive towards me. Of course having said that obviously I'd believe her if she told me different

TheminxIRL

Thats a lot of assumptions. He did accept them, he did things with them and us as a family. I do not gloss over anything I have done wrong in the past at all. I know I was weak, and I've explained that I wish I'd never exposed them to him or us.

My title is a raw expression of how I feel.

TheminxIRL

I was trying to explain how we were before because I thought it would show our relationship. I dont expect a pat on the back, I did it because I loved her and wanted to.

It's just examples that came to mind that show how we did normal things not just hold grudges

CrookedJack

Hi Op. It's a long and detailed post you start off with, and you go into great detail about all the good things you've done for your daughter. Fine.

However I'm not sure you realise how much you seem to be minimising her grievances. You mention them but go to great lengths to explain why they're not really valid and in fact you were being abused and were still being a good mother.

Maybe you should consider it from this light, that no matter what your perspective is on it, regardless she DOES feel like your separation and new relationship had a dramatically negative effect on her life. If she feels it, then it's a fact for her and there is no point trying to argue that it's not true. Instead you should accept it, and honestly try to build a new relationship based on that acceptance.

I would make two more points. Firstly I would recommend maybe speaking to a counsellor about this, it would help you to get another perspective, and you could show your daughter that you are talking legitimate, actual steps to improve the situation.

Secondly, another poster mentioned it above but I'd like to re-emphasis, your partner was an abuser, there's a strong possibility that he may have abused your daughter in ways you don't know about. She may not even realise it was abuse either. At the very least watching his abuse of you will have been damaging to her.

TheminxIRL

I think you are right, maybe I am minimising how she was affected. I didn't really ever see it like that. It wasn't intentional.

You've given me a lot to think about, thank you

Baybay

You really don’t hate her & I very strongly suspect she doesn’t dislike you as much as you fear either. You’re both hurt. By your ex-partner & by each other. Unwittingly perhaps but you are now where you are.

Mediation & counselling may be the way forward.

Furze99

I'm not sure it is really possible for a parent to hate one of their own children. You might greatly resent how she seems to be treating you, but I strongly suspect that if she visited you tomorrow with the children, that you'd put all that behind in a moment.

Sit down and write her a letter, in your own words. Send it off and see what happens. Mother/ daughter relationships can be fraught but also the strongest of all. I'd be very surprised if she wasn't hurting too at the current state of affairs between you.

techman1

What about your ex husband did he rear your son and daughter when you were in this subsequent relationship. Were they living with you then or your ex husband?

TheminxIRL

You're right, I'd still take on anyone tried to hurt her and risk prison.

I will write to her, I'm not sure she will read it but it's better than not doing anything.

I hope she doesn't dislike as badly as it feels.

Thank you

TheminxIRL

As I said we split amicably and gave the kids the choice of how they wanted visitation etc to go. They choose week on week off so we went with that.

We let them make the choice.

My ex, he was only there maybe every second or third Fri to Sunday evening, he worked a long distance away and only came back every second week or so. He wasn't there during the week. Not sure that has any significance though

Calahonda52

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341335#Comment_119341335

I agree with this.

I would suggest https://www.landmarkworldwide.com/the-landmark-forum

I was in a mirror image of the OPs setup till I did this.

I am now at peace with my self as the alternative is so personally corrosive

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341317#Comment_119341317

Totally agree with the above. The vindictive and cold actions by your daughter I have to admit would really hurt me too and I empathize with you there. But they are a reaction to old wounds that probably never fully healed. Your daughter sounds like a sensitive person and couple that with her youth she may likely have felt betrayed by your new relationship. Family break ups for children are fairly major events and can have lasting effects.

I don't believe you glossed your own wrong doings but perhaps do not fully appreciate the impact it had on your daughter. You feel emotions so strongly at that age. However I do think you comparing how her brother handled it with how she did to be a cop out. Daughters tend to be connected with there fathers and sons with there mothers. It's the way it is.

I don't think either of you truly hate each other, you are both just deeply frustrated and are resigned to sniping at each other.

You need to sit down and really get to grips with how it made her feel and at that age. Go to counseling to get the perspective of a professional. And when you feel you have got a fully perspective on it write her a letter of compassion. Give it time and patience and things will turn.

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119341335#Comment_119341335

I agree with writing the letter, but really really think about what happend from her perspective in her youth. Consult with a counselor to get a professional perspective.

You need to really think it out before hand and not write in frustration but compassion.

Princess Calla

I think your daughter sounds a little bit spoiled and selfish to be honest.

It genuinely irks me when someone brings up something that happened in the past that they have issue with, without mentioning it at the time that it bothered them. Now I do take into consideration her age at the time. Holding a holiday and day trips against you is really childish....did her dad bring her everywhere he was going? As a parent you are allowed time away from your kids.

Ok the relationship wasn't the healthiest but it doesn't sound like he spent too much time around her....I suspect the weekends probably coincided with when she was with her dad anyway. Did she mention at the time she had an issue with the guy?

I feel she's using this to justify her own bad behaviour and make you feel that you constantly need to apologize/make it up to her.

You've apologized, she either accepts that or not but she can't keep using it as a stick to beat you with

Going to hospital appointments etc is part of being a parent.

Likewise buying the wedding dress.

I do get your just highlighting that you did try your best and were there for the big and small things.

Now the 30th birthday if that was just out with her friends that's one thing. However if it was a big family affair with her dad and in laws etc I think it was awful that you ended up babysitting and someone else in the family i.e. one of the in laws couldn't have stepped in.

I think it's incredulous that she'd take a deposit for a house off you so guts of 15-40k depending on house but pulls you up over 40 quid(it actually wouldn't enter my head to charge my mam for something I could do for her). Especially considering the amount of babysitting you do/did for them.

I know some people think it's the grandparents role to do babysitting but it really isn't.

It's ok to have boundaries and it's ok to say I don't appreciate the way you a speaking to me etc.

It just sounds like you'll only have a relationship with your daughter once it's on her terms and you're doing her bidding.

Hedy

The hurt you are feeling comes across strongly in this post and the story you tell speaks to feeling excluded and deeply hurt. Your opening line states that she was always a daddy's girl and you noticed this. The breakup with her father would have been difficult for all parties and then Your subsequent partnership with a man which didn't work out would have had a serious impact on everyone. However, from your description you recognised this, rebuilt your life and have over many years since been atoning and trying to make up for your un intentioned choice while raising your son from this difficult relationship.

You don't mention if your older son has a partner or children. All your efforts have been to maintain and build relationships with your daughter and your grandchildren. You state very big gestures...a house deposit and wedding dress are expensive compared to a hair appointment so it isn't about that. As a daddy's girl what did her father contribute to her happy marriage and secure home? We all make mistakes and most of the time we offer genuine apologies and actions to demonstrate how sorry we are. You've done both by caring for your grandchildren and through financial assistance. Yet it hasn't healed old deep wounds or been reciprocated. This is very sad but not at all uncommon.

Its time to pause, yes maybe see a counselor but there is no magic cure until you step back into your own space and raise your last young son and work on yourself mindfully. The hurt you feel by other members silently pretending that everything is normal is a side effect that they must live with. Nobody wants to get involved but ripples always spread....her dad...her husband...your grandchildren. They will (some of them) openly ask and certainly miss your involvement and presence not to mind your generosity of time and pocket.

Give yourself time and space now. Read your opening post - and start a personal journal to flesh it all out, seek professional counseling only for your own growth and to heal yourself.

The fallout of life...growing up and dealing with memories is a two way street. Your daughter is an adult and mother of two herself. She will learn in the fullness of time and with lived experience that most of the time people are just trying to do their best. I think you hate your daughters behaviour because you feel punished in the most hurtful deliberate way..denying you from being part of her family. Hold some boundaries for yourself...don't be so available and redirect your attention towards yourself and your two sons. And breathe.

AyeGer

Your daughter is an entitled brat. Probably better off with someone that toxic out of your life. The grandkids is another issue entirely they deserve to have their granny in their life.

They won’t be happy in the long run if your daughter keeps you away from them.

Try and explain to her that it’s important to see your grandkids. But try and get them away on your own. The brat has a lot of maturing to do. I wouldn’t waste much time with her unless she comes to you to be on friendly terms.

Hedy

Forgot to add, make yourself an appointment with a great stylist and get your hair done there and nails etc and take yourself out for lunch afterwards.. A day out at the salon and spa/lunch is where you go for a break from family. Never again be that person begging for roots to be done so that you can get a better job to give that hard earned cash away. Golden goose comes to mind. Let daughter find her own clients.

And stay fabulous. You deserve it.

RojaStar

I'm sorry to hear your relationship with your daughter has reached this point. There's quite low awareness around the idea of family estrangement and how damaging it can be. My own therapist mentioned it to me and I'd never heard of it before. Some videos about it on YouTube.

I found your post a bit triggering as a result of my own history. In a nutshell I'm close to both of my divorced parents but had/have a LOT of unprocessed sh1t around their separation, the lead up to it and years of the aftermath. It really changed the course of my life and forms the cornerstone of my "issues" as an adult. Essentially they handled it terribly and pretty much were asleep at the wheel as regards parenting and emotional support for me (even though I never "wanted for anything") and it started at the worst possible time when I was just coming into my teens. They made no attempt whatsoever to coparent me and never spoke again in any kind of meaningful way until at least 20 years later, probably more! I was always a daddy's girl but later on (and still now) the issues became more about him and how our relationship deteriorated afterwards. At 41 I'm only really starting to process it, with the help of a great therapist. It took me a long time to find one that could break through my carefully constructed facade, but anyway! Important to find one who you click with.

Your relationship is completely broken. Your daughter is angry with you and and resentful of you, most likely her dad as well. Based off my own experience she might not be fully aware of this and it's manifesting in the way she's treating you. Which is completely unacceptable by the way. No matter what, you deserve to be treated with respect. It's a coping mechanism for her and it's probably damaging to her own mental health as well as it's likely she feels bad about it on some level (assuming she is a fairly functional adult in other ways!). It is on all of us to work through our own issues and you can only give so much to someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I've lashed out at my own parents (mostly my dad and after a few drinks when my walls are down) and I don't hate them. I always feel deeply shameful about it about it afterwards but I'm completely unable to organise my thoughts to the point that I could actually sit down and lay things out to him in a calm and rational way so it tumbles out as an emotional drunken outburst instead that gets no-one anywhere. And I am known amongst friends and family for helping other people figure out their problems! Different story when it comes to myself. Just cannot see the wood for the trees, it's very frustrating. I'm working hard on it though.

Therapy both individually (definitely) and together (if possible at some stage) is probably the only way you will get to the bottom of this. I believe everything is fixable. Anger is unresolved pain, which in a lot of cases means there is love there too.

Best of luck, don't give up on her.

NSAman

When she needs something, as she will, she will come back.

You have two other children. One smart intelligent and a go getter, the other a young man who needs support in the worst possible way (teenager)

Your daughter is hogging their happiness with their mother.

We all make mistakes, you have a choice to forgive and forget or simply move on. She has made her bed, hubby and her kids (which is fine). Her in-laws have probably never had much going on in life and they have a happy life which she wanted growing up. Tough on her part, but get over it.

I know the grandbabies are vital in all of this, she has shown she is a vindictive cow by keeping them from you. Sorry Grandkids ALWAYS get to see Grandparents in our family (despite many issues).

My advice for what it is worth, forget about her for the time being. She obviously is an attention seeker who thinks you are not as good as her In-Laws...if that's the case let her be.

Just continue to support those two boys and make them happy.

Time heals a lot, but somethings just are outside of our control.

RojaStar

I understand how people would think along the lines of the above comment but like anything else, until you've walked in someone's shoes you can't understand them. Again, the daughter's behaviour is unacceptable, but there's no smoke without fire and it requires some naval gazing and ideally help from a third party (IMO).

I don't usually double post but this is a particularly triggering topic for me 😂.

Sunrise_Sunset

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119343199#Comment_119343199

Coming from the other side of a similar situation, I couldn't disagree with this more.

OP, think long and hard before writing a letter, or at least the contents and tone of your words. I received a letter from my estranged father and it was full of spite and hate. Reading it was one of the lowest points in my life. I did not appreciate being contacted by letter at all.

lmimmfn

Stupid question, but have you ever tried to discuss and clarify the past with your daughter? even if its a difficult situation of listening to her grievances about the situation only?

You won't be around forever, you should try and make peace regardless of the past(same for your daughter but she's not the one posting :) ).

Life is very short for such things to take away valuable family time together.

Big Bag of Chips

Your son and daughter are two separate people. They will each have had their own experiences and will have acted and reacted to those experiences differently. It is unfair to dismiss your daughter's experiences of growing up and her teenage years by pointing to your son and thinking "we'll he's OK".

Your daughter might be totally and completely unreasonable. Or she might have very valid reasons for believing what she believes about you. She is a different person, with a different personality and different perspective to your son. Your son might not be as bothered by how your partner treated you, and them. That doesn't mean your daughter is wrong. It just means your son coped differently. Maybe he didn't notice as much. Maybe he wasn't targeted by your partner in the same way. Maybe he was, but was oblivious to what was actually going on.

You are very dismissive of your daughter's feelings. You list off a long list of all the things you've done for her. But much of what you listed are standard things a mother does for her children.

You are both adults now and if you are to have any chance of having a relationship you both need to put your own perceptions aside. There is a whole lot of anger and neither of you seem to be willing to let your defenses drop to make allowances for the other.

It is often said that children who grow up in an abusive household blame the victim of the abuse for subjecting them to that life rather than the perpetrator of the abuse. The child looks to you to be their protector, even though you were not in a position to protect them, or yourself. When you "fail" to protect them the anger is directed at you, the easier target. You brought a man into your children's life who was abusive. You were obviously a victim of that control and abuse yourself and as we all know it's not easy to break free from that. However, from your daughter's perspective, she was a teenager. She had no control over the situation. She had no alternative. She had no choice. This man was brought into her life and allowed to abuse you, her, her brother etc. She can't blame him, because he simply doesn't care. So she blames you. Because you're the closest thing to her. It's not fair. It's not your truth. But it is her perspective. It's her truth. It's her lived experience.

It's going to be a very difficult road to travel if you want to unpick all the hurt. It might be something that you can come together on and work through. Or it might be something that you two are never able to address head on together. Time, age and wisdom might change her perspective and she might come to realise that life isn't ideal and black/white. I know as a mother in my 40s I have a much better understanding of my own mother now. In my 20s and even my 30s I wouldn't have appreciated her life and experiences as comparable to my own. Now as a mother of teenagers, and a woman with a bit more life experience under my belt I can appreciate everything my mother has done and continues to do for us all.

Your daughter might come to that point herself someday. Or she might never. But there's not a whole lot you can do if she refuses to engage with you. Have you ever had counselling for yourself? A trip to your GP might be a worthwhile visit. There is a a lot of history there, and a lot of hurt. If you can start with dealing with that yourself then your relationship with your daughter might follow. But if not, then at least you will have addressed your own issues and hopefully be able to make peace with them.

Xidu

My mother was married again when I was 7. I was scared at that time. They were apart when I was 9 and she was married again when I was 11.

I was scared becoz she never really introduced stepfather to me properly.

She thinks I was a child I don’t know anything so she didn’t believe there’s need to talk to me.

I was so scared in my childhood and teen life. Becoz I don’t feel secure.

And that was the time kids need their moms the mostly. Not when they are grown up they can look after themselves.

you made her felt insecure and upset Her feelings. And made her felt she was abandoned.

you need to put a lot of effort to regain that trust. Lady!

derb12

I’ve read through this whole thread and really had my eyes opened about the effects of a difficult marriage/abusive partner on kids.

but I just can’t get past this. If the daughter has legitimate reasons to resent the OP and not want her in her life, why did she take money from her for a deposit and avail of all the free babysitting. She can’t have it both ways - either the OP has callously disregarded her daughter’s wellbeing (abusive ex etc etc) and the daughter has legitimate grounds for cutting her out of her life and not trusting her to care for the grandkids OR the daughter is just a user.

my gut reaction is the latter but I have to say that the responses defending the daughters actions have been enlightening.

OP, no matter what, you need to try to establish a healthier relationship with your daughter. Could a trusted 3rd party (maybe an uncle or aunt that has a good relationship with both of you help persuade her to do some family counselling with you.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119348097#Comment_119348097

I think there's a massive difference between marrying a partner and dating a partner.

The guy was on the scene 2 years of that it was only every second or third weekend he stayed with them.

The daughter also lived with her dad. On a week on week off basis.

I just can't help but feel if the relationship was so abusive, so toxic why she wouldn't say, actually I want to live with my dad full time....or at the very least have some sort of discussion.

She was a teenager at the time, teenagers tend to speak their mind.

Also if it was so bad how come the father didn't notice....if there was a new adult in my children's life I'd definitely be asking subtle questions and keeping an eye and ear on the situation.

To me it feels like the daughter might be feeling her life hasn't turned out the way she wanted ...from the sounds of it career wise anyway.....so she's looking for someone to blame. She can't take responsibility for herself so she's pinning everything bad in her life on her mother's toxic relationship with an ex boyfriend. It's the easiest thing in the world to blame someone else for our own shortcomings.

The mother has acknowledged the situation and apologized. She can't go back and change the past.

To me it sounds like the daughter wants to have someone she can control and dominate and each time the mother doesn't dance to the daughter's tune she gets hit with..."when I was 15 you did x y and z to me"

The mother is living in some sort of purgatory.

Also it needs to be remembered that while the daughter may feel justified in what she's saying, the guy is still her little brother's dad. No one should have to listen to their dad being run into the ground by another person...even if it is justified... he's still the boys dad and the only one he'll ever have.

bitofabind

There are two co-existing things here. OP, your daughter is treating you terribly. There’s no excuse for it. That stonewalling and denying access to the grandkids is in itself a trauma.

She’s also playing out some deeply painful and unresolved trauma of her own, probably unwittingly. Rojastar’s post is brilliantly insightful and struck a chord. That parent-child relationship at such a precarious age is so important, it sets the scene for the rest of the child’s life both in how she will feel about herself and in her own future relationships.

I had a family trauma at a similar age that resulted in a total lack of emotional support or parenting from both parents. They were scrambling and I got caught in the crossfire. I was left to sit alone as my world crumbled around me, taking with it my sense of safety, sanity, my sense that there was an adult in the room to support me and nurture me through.

I can’t tell you the profound impact that has had on my adult life, from relationships to career choices to depression, self sabotage, extreme loneliness. It’s not something that’s easily articulated - I’ve spent most of the last 20 years thinking I had a “great” childhood because of all the material things I had, while grappling these repressed feelings until I started therapy a few years ago. Even now, I’ll find myself latching onto seemingly trivial events - like your daughter and the anger she has towards you for going on holiday without her - as a way to try to add logic, reason, a timeline, a moment, anything TANGIBLE to what is just this enormous, engulfing wound. A dark hole of abandonment, rejection and emotional neglect I have for the void in parenting during a really traumatic time in my childhood.

Im not saying this to guilt you OP as I know you feel terrible. And the thing about life is that it’s complicated - more so with family. Another set of co-existing truths - you did the best you could do at the time but it wasn’t enough. I’m going to guess that your daughter isn’t working through these issues and the pain is manifesting through this raging anger she has towards you. I have a sister like that and we have a difficult relationship. I’ve had to set boundaries, she’s not currently talking to me. It’s hard. It’s hard even when there’s a mutual commitment to working on this stuff - virtually impossible without that.

All i can advise you to do is to invest some time unpicking this stuff with a trained professional. Your daughter may not, but it might help you at least to understand, have compassion and forgiveness. If at some stage she decides to come back. Meeting her with anger and defensiveness is not going to help to heal this relationship.

spaceHopper

My reading of this is, she is happy to use you when she wanted a deposit for a house, she probably got the same from her dad only never told either of you. She’s happy to use you for babysitting but she wants to give nothing in return. Face it you got to mind the kids but not spend time with her.

She probably resents you for breaking up with her dad and him moving out.  She needs to learn life is not that simple.

I’ve seen this with one other family, there is no logic to it and there is no way for you to fix it only she can do that. All you can do is keep sending the gifts for the kids and hopefully when they are older they will want to see you. As your other kids get older they probably will have kids and hopefully you’ll be included in their lives. Will your daughter excuse herself from events and exclude her children from seeing their cousins because you are there, who knows.

I would say one thing, if you apologise again you are only validating her grudge, don’t, this one is on her. She threw the toys out of the pram for 40 euros. She needs to make amends not you. She's robbed her children of a relationship with their grandmother. If you apologise she’ll never learn and keep doing it.

Sleepy

There's a lot none of us know here. For all we know the abusive ex also abused the daughter and the OP was oblivious to it at the time and has been being "punished" for it by her daughter who blames her for it. Or less dramatically, the daughter resents a childhood during which her mother prioritised (at least for a time) a relationship with a man she now describes as abusive over her relationship with a daughter that was still probably reeling from her parents separation.

I've noticed a trend that people quickest to use the "how dare you speak to me like that?" schtick tend to be the ones who most need to listen to what's just been said to them instead of immediately going on the offensive themselves in the mistaken belief that offense is the best form of defence and that it's more important to "win" than to listen to the potentially valid viewpoint of the other person (even it it's put hurtfully or too bluntly). Perhaps there's an element of that playing out here OP? You're objecting to the way something is being said instead of hearing the thing that's being said in a hurtful fashion?

It may just be that the OP's daughter has seen a happier ideal of what family life can be in her new husband's family and is ashamed of her own past and dealing with it badly by trying to keep her mother at a distance and going on the attack when called on it. None of us know, from the sounds of it, not even the OP.

Family counselling could be worth a shot if your daughter is open to it but don't go in with any naieve notions that such sessions will be all about the therapist validating your world view and telling your daughter how to do better. It'll be a hard path for all involved and with many uncomfortable things to be said, and heard, by all involved.

notAMember

she had the youngest christened last week and invited everybody from both sides of the families but excluded me.

I feel resentful towards those who went knowing I was excluded, I cried pretty much the entire day

Today I can honestly say I hate my daughter, despise the nasty, hurtful, spiteful person she has become. I dont even know what my youngest Grandchild looks like and the older girl will have forgotten me and we loved spending time together. It has split the family in two but I dont think I can ever forgive her for how shes behaved.

This is very sad. You say it has split the family in two. You say it is about a holiday that you left her out of 15 years ago, but it's clearly far more than that now. Otherwise it would be just her excluding you, but it seems like your whole family is also excluding you too?

I think you need a mediator. someone that your daughter respects, and you also respect, to be a peacemaker between you. If there's no-one like that, then a professional counsellor could also take that role.

yourdeadwright

I stopped reading at this part " I wasn't Mary Poppins but my kids never went without, they had holidays each year, they were dressed in the latest fashion "

Adding that sentence alone in your post is a huge red flag, why say that ? do you think giving your kids holidays & the latest fashion is what they need from a mother ,why is it relevant

Curious_Case

Is there any chance that this all stems from her father demonising you in order to absolve himself of any responsibility regarding the separation?

Xidu

Ok I have one more comments.

the way OP used to treat her daughter, was she spoilt? might give her daughter an idea that she is trying to make up for the broken marriage. And she take granted for everything?

then op mentioned her attitude changed since she had a relationship. So I wonder if the son in law side have some influence?

SAMTALK

From the information given here it does seems that your daughter is a little spoilt in my opinion.

She wants nothing to do with you, until she needs deposit, babysitter etc.. Wants her cake and eat it I think

Has she made any effort to pay back deposit ? it seems strange that it has got worse since this and moving in with his family