Date has stopped responding to messages regarding meeting in my part of the country

Church on Tuesday

Hi all, as above a woman I've been on a couple dates with has basically stopped responding to messages relating to meeting in my neck of the woods, she's based in Dublin and I'm in the West. She's not Irish.

We met at a gig a couple months ago in Dublin, she asked me along for a drink, got the number and met for coffee the next day. Chanced the kiss but was declined, which was fair enough, seemed to be interest in meeting again and after 5(!) weeks met again in Dublin, cinema and drinks, incredibly it wasn't akward at all and ended the night kissing before I put her in a taxi to which she started "next time you're the tour guide" I personally thought that was quite a stretch to travel and stay the other side of the country with a guy you barely know but fair enough. That was 5 weeks ago.

Communication has always been spare on WhatsApp, the woman is busy with her work and travels a lot, but when I reached out a few days later to arrange the third date she maintained it would be July when she would be free. I left it and contacted her ten days later to ask was she still interested in meeting to which she started she thinks we should meet again but never gave a date. That was two and a half weeks ago and I haven't heard from her since.

I sent a message last Thursday telling her, as I had moved out of my place, it would have to be an Airbnb and that I was free the next couple weekends, no reply and then reached out again a couple days later basically saying if she's not interested in one, it's grand, no reply. Early today bI suggested meeting again in Dublin is she'd be more comfortable with that and the message hasn't been seen yet.

One thing that was obvious on the second date, she mentioned she had stalkers in the past and an abusive relationship also back home. I even mentioned to her during the date when the conversation got intense that she seemed cautious, especially over WhatsApp and the coffee date.

I really like this woman and we get along great but I get the feeling she can't let go of negative experiences in the past hence the understandable reluctantance to meet me out west after the fact, it's either that or she simply is isn't interested anymore.

Any advice appreciated here on this, TIA!

The One Doctor

Move on before you get accused of stalking her.

event

In the last 6 days you've sent her 3 messages, all unanswered. Time to move on

bucketybuck

I'd say she has made it very clear what her position is, and I don't understand why you keep chasing her. Put it like this, she has not responded to your messages more times than you have actually ever met her.

You keep reaching out to her, you don't mention her ever reaching out to you. What does that say?

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254295/date-has-stopped-responding-to-messages-regarding-meeting-in-my-part-of-the-country

Just my opinion, You prob won't want to hear this but I think you should forget about her and get on with your life. Fair enough she might be busy, but if she was actually interested in you, 2 weeks wouldn't go by without her getting back to you. Like you've messaged her several times and she's not replying. Maybe stalkers have left her more cautious but if you keep sending her messages without her replying, it's not helping.

It's rly simple when it comes to fancying each other, it's fun n virtually no drama, but when there's a lot of games and the feeling you're chasing someone like you are, it's time to move on.

Church on Tuesday

Well we're both 35 here, surely as we're not kids, you can tell the person you've been seeing you're simply not interested anymore. I even told her it's not a big deal if she doesn't.

I told her earlier today, because frankly it's getting a bit silly, I'm happy to meet in Dublin if she'd be more comfortable with that, she may (or may not) be comfortable traveling across the country to see one, which I thought was a stretch in the first instance anyway and that might be the issue. If she doesn't reply to that, then that's that sure.

anglesorangles

Theres never an excuse for that 3rd message. Id pretty much never do 2. Whats the point , if shes interested shed have replied or if shes too busy she will still reply to the first.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331451#Comment_119331451

You'd think that but unfortunately ghosting isn't an age defined trend

Yeah if you don't hear from her again best to leave it at that and send no more messages

MIRMIR82

I'm sorry to say but ''she's just not that into you''. Time to block her and move on!

Church on Tuesday

Yeah I agree with all that tbh, I suppose I'm just trying to be understanding here and patient and not give the impression of just wanting her for her body (which I suspect may be the case tbh)

I've put it out there anyways, if she's more comfortable with that then fine, if not, that's also fine and that's more or less been my vibe.

Church on Tuesday

Most likely the case, yes.

Jafin

Don't send her more messages. Leave the ball in her court. She most likely won't get back to you, so just be prepared mentally and start moving on. If she does get back to you, great, if not then forget about her. Easier said than done, I know.

Accept she may be not interested. If she does reply later, consider how valid her reply is before deciding next steps- it’s one thing playing hard to get but it does sound like she has finished with you- which is sad I know, and she’s been a bit immature about it all, but maybe a bullet dodged.

You know little about her and also, you don’t know what’s going on in her life- maybe somethnig very serious has happened - however, you can only go on what you know which is very little- I’d put it to the back of your mind and move on- but if I were in your position and she did eventually make contact, I’d be a bit cautious and I’d be looking for her actions to back up her words before investing any more time in her.

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331451#Comment_119331451

She *did* tell you she was no longer interested. Her silence speaks volumes. You need to read between the lines.

Just leave her alone and move on. She has had enough drama with stalkers without you pestering her with text messages which it is already abundantly clear she has no interest in you.

If she was interested, she would make an effort. She is not even opening them, let along responding.

radiotrickster

There’s plenty more people out there who will want to go out with you and will make the effort to see you. Let them go.

Church on Tuesday

Nail on head. Honestly, this is how I'm thinking myself the last while. I believe in giving people a chance and not jumping to conclusions. She did mention she was off mentally and was feeling all over the place ( her words) so I'm just trying, perhaps failing, to make things easy for her.

The last thing I want is to come off needy or stalkerish trust me. The offer is on the table if she wants it, but perhaps this simply isn't a good time for her.

anglesorangles

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331541#Comment_119331541

Yeah exactly man , timing is important and it might not suit her at the moment, as one poster said , best thing to do is mentally move on and leave it at that , ya never know you might get a reply in future , although id be a bit wary of the excuse etc.

Church on Tuesday

I personally think it's sad and off putting that a 35 year old grown woman can't simply tell one she's not interested anymore (I've respectfully told people) and arguably has led one on the last couple weeks but there you go.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331451#Comment_119331451

In an ideal world people would have the respect to message and say they are not interested but its not an ideal world. I don't know why you didn't get the hint after the second message, sending the third just makes you look a bit desperate to be honest. For a woman who has experienced stalking that probably sealed the deal. Put it down to bad luck and keep looking.

Church on Tuesday

Yeah I'm just leaving it for now, nothing more needs to be siad to her. I'm flexible and it's really up to her now.

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331575#Comment_119331575

Yeah it's sad alright. And in addition you have people here telling you she HAS said she's not interested and that you need to read between the lines.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331514#Comment_119331514

Not helpful at all - the OP is not a stalker- they asked a simple question and wanted advice- no need to be nasty - just because she didn’t read the text doesn’t mean anything- she could be away, phone broken, busy or many other reasons

Church on Tuesday

Or perhaps when the time came to arrange meeting in the West, she, understandably, baulked at the reality of it. I mean, I could be a total lunatic. If she was my sister or friend I simply wound not recommend meet a guy you barely know the other side of the country, it's simply too soon.

That was her suggestion, not mine. The couple messages I've sent was to try allay any fears or concerns she may have as I'm sensitive and aware of her past negative experiences, now I've suggested a day trip to meet her in Dublin if she is more comfortable with that.

I can't really be any fairer or understanding than that. Like, it's **** that stalking happens to women and obviously that's disgusting, but she's also a grown woman who can tell me ( as she did in the date) about siad concerns and I'm flexible to arrange something less intense as a result and not fly off the handle over it.

Pissy Missy

God bless being single and no ambiguity

Dave0301

Jesus...take the hint and move on. Yes, she could have been more upfront about it but move on with a bit of dignity.

Church on Tuesday

The third message about meeting in Dublin hasn't been seen yet.

Look, most likely she's not interested, which is fine, if she changes her mind she knows we're to find me.

Church on Tuesday

In all honesty, and this is not me being a prick here, I'm the one with the dignity.

Maybe it's a bullet dodged sure. I've been patient and understanding and have treated the woman with actual respect, not sure, as things stand, you can say that of her.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331779#Comment_119331779

You're really not letting this go are you? Checking to see if messages have been read. Look, if she didn't reply after message one or two she won't be replying after message three.

Church on Tuesday

I don't even have notifications turned on for her.

That could well be the case, time will tell.

TheW1zard

Have you only met this person twice in your life?

By notifications not turned on do you mean you have muted her on Whatsapp?

Jafin

Another thing I will point out is that long distance can also make things difficult. I was dating someone for a few months recently who lived an hour and a half away by car, but I don't drive, and it took over four hours and two buses for me to get to him. We took turns of who visited who, but when work and life eventually got in the way the last two dates ended up happening over a 7-8 week period and things just fizzled out. I know we're a fairly small country, and it's easier if you both drive, but the public transport infrastructure in this country is woeful and can make things extremely difficult if you're reliant on it. I'm not saying it can't work, but it's hard.

Church on Tuesday

We've been on two dates, went for a drink after the gig(that she asked for along and paid for) before that, I'm not in love or anything don't worry, if anything, she was asking questions about the future and certainly wanted to meet again after the second date, again, HER suggestion, not mine.

Then two weeks ago, I asked her outright if she was still interested in meeting and she said yes and wanted to explore (generic tourist attraction) with me. I didn't hear from her for two weeks and reached out with alternatives the last week.

No, I don't have pop up notifications for WhatsApp out of personal preference.

Idle Passerby

She more than likely blocked your number after the second message. You think your being dignified but it reads to me as tone deaf harassment. Yeah she could have cut to the chase and said she wasn't interested but by not replying to you the first time she effectively said the same thing.

Regardless of whose being more fair, try to look at it subjectively. There was some mild attraction but she lives in a city with plenty of options, why would she bother going out of her way to get to know someone who lives the other side of the country. How long is she even in Ireland for? You live far away, your coming across as pushy and desperate, she may not be interested in anything further than a casual flirtation. There's nothing here for you to pursue and she's made is abundantly clear (albeit passively) that she doesn't want to hear from you.

Church on Tuesday

That's very true and the distance is perhaps already an issue.

I've a mate from the west who's engaged to a woman from Bray and they did long distance for the first five years. If there's enough interest there, it can be done.

o1s1n

Try to read back over your messages from an outsider's perspective and you might see it in different eyes.

She kissed you once on the second date, mentioned vaguely about meeting up a third time and in the five weeks since, has gone from 'sparse' communication to 'silence'.

You then replied to the silence with a detailed message about moving out of your place, booking and AirBnB, to which she didn't reply.

Reached out a couple of days later saying if she's not interested in an AirBnB, no problem - still no reply.

You messaged her AGAIN today about meeting in Dublin and she hasn't read the message (I would take this as a sign that you were blocked after the above message)

You mention 'if she changes her mind, she knows where to find me' as if the ball has been left in her court.

She's actually left our figurative court weeks ago and you're still standing on the other side of the net waiting for her to knock the ball back.

Forget about her, delete her number/messages and move on.

Church on Tuesday

I haven't been blocked.

Well you see, at the end of the day, you like what you like, where the man or woman lives is largely (although not always) irrelevant. Attraction isn't a choice.

Idle Passerby

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331975#Comment_119331975

Course it can, if both people want a serious relationship and are prepared to do the distance thing. She's obviously not. I don't even see evidence that she was keen for anything more than a casual drink/kiss.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331992#Comment_119331992

In that case maybe it's nothing to do with where you live and she's not attracted to you?

Church on Tuesday

Again, I haven't been blocked.

Meeting the third time was her suggestion not mine, in fact she sent me a message that night about meeting again.

Read over all my replies; arguably she has led me on.

Church on Tuesday

Let it go lad.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119332029#Comment_119332029

People can (and do) change their mind. Luckily nobody is locked into holding people to date commitments.

She clearly has since changed her mind for whatever reason and is now ghosting you.

Sure, it's not the best way of going about things, but neither is repeatedly sending someone follow up messages and not taking the hit that they're not interested.

Idle Passerby

You've basically been telling her that if she says jump you'll ask how high. She's not interested. She might have been briefly but not anymore. You had, what 3 dates? And one kiss? It's not worth the thought your putting into it now. She's already forgotten the whole thing.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119332029#Comment_119332029

She hasn't led you on. You had a date that was left with the potential for a further date, nothing came of it. That's the way it goes sometimes, people have a nice time but decide not to take things further. You had your answer when she didn't reply to your first text but you chose to persist with text two and three. Take the hint.

Church on Tuesday

Well, for the billionth time, there's the small matter of her wanting to visit me out west which was her suggestion.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119332051#Comment_119332051

And in the cold light of day she changed her mind. She doesn't owe you squat.

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331975#Comment_119331975

Yeah. But there isn't any interest there in your case. She isn't opening your messages. To me that says she litterly cares so little, she isn't even bothered to read it.

All the what ifs about phone broke, travelling, busy, etc is just junk talk.

She's not interested. So you might as well just forget about it and move on with your life. You are bordering on obsessing about it.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119332051#Comment_119332051

You don't seem to be getting the idea that people can change their mind.

If someone suggests 5 weeks ago that they might want to pop out your way it doesn't mean they owe you a visit now. She's no longer interested.

Sebastian Dangerfield

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119331465#Comment_119331465

Yeah if Ive ever had to send a second one, Ive always left it with "I'll leave it with you" or words to that effect. 3 is too many. More often than not the fact Im sending a second one has told me everything I needed to know

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119332051#Comment_119332051

Talk is cheap. She might have been just humouring you, or maybe she changed her mind since.

Either way, it doesn;t matter. If she wanted to visit you, should would make it happen and be in contact. Well, she hasn't. She has no interest in you man.

And if you are so tone deaf and unable to read between the lines here, then maybe she picked up on something that way in your character or personality and decided she was no longer interested.

Should she have clarified in words, yes probably. But she didn't. Her actions (or lack of them) have done the talking for her.

You just have to listen.

Church on Tuesday

As things stand, she absolutely has. By your logic then, why not just ignore my message two weeks ago instead of saying she's still interested? Would not ignoring one then be the best time to do it, if she simply doesn't have the emotional maturity, at 35, to tell a man, thanks for your time but it's not for me?

Yet you've got the usual White Knights on here basically making me out to be some kind of desperate creep and not calling her out on her, so far, frankly **** behaviour.

I don't know if the lass is interested or not and frankly I don't particularly care one way or the other; she might be just really busy, maybe she met someone else, maybe an ex has come back, who knows, maybe we'll meet and maybe (most likely) we won't. And that's fine.

I've come here looking for advice, all I'm interested in is solid advice and not nasty comments.

On that note, mod can close this thread.

AdrianG08

Jaysus some rough advice on here. I'd agree it looks like shes not interested and he should stop texting, but we have all been there i'm sure.

No doubt a bloke would get grief for "ghosting" (hate these millennial expressions) a girl in a similar fashion. She could have the decency/maturity to let you know shes not interested but she obviously just doesn't want the hassle.

Put it down to experience and don't go looking for any explanations/send any more texts. Have confidence in yourself that you will find someone else and it will be a distant memory. A girl/lad like this always multiplies in terms of attraction when you feel you can no longer have them.