Wife and her male colleague

macvin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311848#Comment_119311848

I stayed in the Prince of Wales hotel in Athlone for €50 last month.

It was an agreed rate for an event

I stayed in Westport for €75 in May

Op is reading too much into it and due to his manner last time, she's not communicating anything now.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315182#Comment_119315182

Yes perhaps I was. But after what you said, I can rule it out as some kind of red flag.

Which manner are you referring to exactly?

FlubberJones

Smoke... fire....

Ask very blunt questions...

I've been there....

Skirting around it will.simply make you nuts

Rebel81

I agree, but easier said than done.

Did you get answers that you were satisfied with?

Sorolla

What I usually recommend in these situations is to gain the confidence of your mother in law or even one of your wives sisters and share your suspicions with them.

Let them suss out your wife and then they can get back too you.

That way you stay out of the loop and in the good books of the wife, her sister and her mother.

Let the wimmin sort it out among themselves

actually if we look at this rationally - it should be no concern to you whatsoever.

i think you should mind your own business

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315182#Comment_119315182

It seems more likely to me that what she lied about was the price of the room because she didn't want her husband turning up to collect her at a work function like he was her Dad - not that she is hiding an on-again / off-again affair over the last 5 years.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315275#Comment_119315275

Thanks for your advice, but I won't be taking it I'm afraid.

Rationally it should be of no concern? Care to elaborate?

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315298#Comment_119315298

She suggested that I collect her. That was her initial plan which of course I had no problem with. I was not pushing the idea whatsoever.

I don't think she has been having a 5 year affair, never suggested that at all. Other posters have. Just all of the little details don't look good to me.

cuttingtimber22

This is a tough question. But what do you want to be the outcome of this? Do you want to find out she did have an affair and then there is now an excuse to end this? Or do you want to save the marriage? Not for you to answer to us but perhaps to answer yourself.

For the record my sense is that you are right to have suspicions and you are trying to informally test these suspicions. But what is the around the corner?

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315275#Comment_119315275

actually if we look at this rationally - it should be no concern to you whatsoever.

i think you should mind your own business

I honestly have no words.

Rebel81

I thought I was just me!!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315330#Comment_119315330

Rebel81

I want some clarity as to whether I'm mad or not for being suspicious.

I would absolutely do anything to save it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315307#Comment_119315307

Seems odd then, if she was holding out hopes of planning some action with another guy.

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315347#Comment_119315347

In my opinion. There is enough there to be suspicious but there is not a smoking gun.

If you will do anything to save it then it may well need to throw on lots of charm. Think back to the start of the relationship and what was important to the two of you.

Rebel81

Maybe so but the plan changed a few days before she went to this event. That in itself wasn't an issue.

What made me suspicious was that she looked really sad or guilty the next day. She normally isn't like that the day after. And the fact that a few weeks prior she came home the day after a hen party and wanted to have sex that night and mentioned it a few times throughout the day. She never does this!! Oh wait she did the exact same thing 5 years ago.

So she asked you to collect her, then decided she was staying over and has communication on her phone during that night with the one person than you've had suspicions about during your marriage...it's beyond suspicious in my mind.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315378#Comment_119315378

Exactly.

A 5 second call mind but a few missed calls from him beforehand. Maybe it's completely innocent as another poster said.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315386#Comment_119315386

What's your own genuine thoughts on it?

Rebel81

There were no other calls to this guy on her call log from what I could see. But the one call that was there just so happened to be the one night where she was staying in a hotel room, in a remote location.

Just a coincidence?

Packrat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315368#Comment_119315368

Ah here...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315368#Comment_119315368

You're talking yourself into a spiral now.

You're going to have to confront her - but either way, you're going to have to prepare yourself because if she is cheating, it's most likely over.

And if shes not, she might decide its over because you've been snooping around her phone and are accusing her of being a cheat.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315420#Comment_119315420

You think I'm crazy?

JeffKenna

This really doesn't look good. A five second call isn't innocent. I can't think of why a call would be that short unless it was telling someone a room number.

Packrat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315427#Comment_119315427

I think you need to think very carefully about what you want in the future and act accordingly.

Ending a marriage is a serious business and staying in one where you're being cheated on isn't for most.

Hire an agency or whatever to find your answer so that you don't worry about having wronged someone later, but there's only one answer they're going to find.

Sorry to be so blunt.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315461#Comment_119315461

Thanks for your reply.

Which part has you most convinced?

gary550

Jesus mate, you seem very blasé about the possibility of your wife cheating if I'm being honest. If I was in your situation I'd have to be tied down.

Signs are bad mate, talk to your missus and until you get honesty.

Packrat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315483#Comment_119315483

Initiating sex the day after a hen party, after a work do, (massive red flags), the guilty look you describe, - a hotel for €50, there are none. A 6 second call after being out with the colleagues all night, (which could be "**** off and stop calling me" in fairness) but more likely "I'm up in the room" or "OK, come up for a 5 minute chat then" - which is how these things go.

Remember, they'd be trying to keep it from the rest of work as well as you so opportunities would be tricky and limited for them.

Look, I could be wrong which is why I say hire someone who does this for a living. Thing is, - it could be an intermittent, occasional thing so they might have to wait a while for hard evidence unless you can find it yourself or they can get into her historical phone/messages record, which would probably be highly illegal.

...

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315368#Comment_119315368

That’s a positive its a sign she might have been horny but hadn’t got any

maybe she was inspired elsewhere, but she came back to you. Maybe your sex life needs ti be evaluated

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315443#Comment_119315443

voicemail!!! The customer you are calling is not available, there’s a few seconds.

hey buddy where are you guys ?

bingo, 5 seconds accounted for

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315763#Comment_119315763

You could be right.

It was a reitement do at a function hall, I know it well. There is nowhere else you could possibly go.

faceman

Been reading the thread further and OP, you seem to be looking for a silver bullet from the comments. There is no reply you’ll get that will offer the peace of mind you need.

You know what you need to do.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315962#Comment_119315962

Ya I've come to that conclusion also.

Out of everything that has been discussed, it's the coming home the day after a hen party looking for sex which bothers me. She never does that and hasn't iniatiated since. That tells me that she did something that required her to almost make amends, without me directly knowing.

Maz2016

OP I feel for you. Mentally this must be weighing heavy on your mind. I just want to bring a different view to the table. I’m male, work mostly with females. There is one I get on with exceptionally well. We work together all day every day. She is married. I am not. We are the same age.

On work nights out (partners are never invited), we tend to stick together as well. Not for any reason only we get on great. We wouldn’t be together all evening but prob sit together at meal, drinks table etc. we’d always be part of a group. And if I think back, I prob would have 5 second calls on her call logs These would be very innocent like c’mon we’re going to the next pub or taxis are here etc. I suppose we get on well and just look out for each other on staff nights out. Equally, I could have several missed calls to her if he didn’t answer when I tried to say taxis are here etc.

Yes it’s always in the back of my mind how her husband views me. I’d just hope to God he trusts her enough to know it was purely friendship. And same for my partner.

yes you certainly have red flags there. Not telling you she was collecting him being one but this is probably all very innocent. Maybe she didn’t want to tell you over what happened a few years back or maybe it was last minute decision- he might have known a heavy night on the beer and asked for a lift instead. The hotel room seems cheap but I got one early June in a small town for €68 so €50 isn’t entirely impossible plus maybe it was a lot higher but she felt guilty and told you a cheaper price

Your wife wanting sex after a hen party could be innocent enough too. A group of women on a night out - I bet there was steamy situations and maybe she got horny!

I’m one for always saying trust your gut. But just maybe there is all innocent explanations here. I think if she is entirely innocent and if you have a conversation that you were suspicious/checked her phone and saw the calls/texts, she would be very hurt. However your hurting as well so really is catch 22. I’d have a conversation, just asking if she was happy. That ye go through periods of dry spells. Is the r’ship ok, anything she needs to tell you etc. hopefully you will be able to tell by her body language if she’s lying/hiding something/defensive etc.

best of luck! Hope all works out

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315989#Comment_119315989

Just on another note, I think ye're sex life seems far from ideal. But maybe this is what happens when people get married🤷‍♀️ I just hope you're happy and content regardless of it. Anyway, best of luck with the current situation.

JeffKenna

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315763#Comment_119315763

After 6 missed calls beforehand? That just doesn't add up to me.

JoChervil

OP, you write that you want to keep your relationship. So why did you check her phone? Twice. It is a huge breach of trust and works against any relationship.

I am of opinion that you can only check the phone, if you are positive, you want to end the relationship and are only looking for a hard evidence to support it. You will never find a proof of the innocence there. You can only find a proof of guilt or bits and pieces, which will make you worry even more. And you can't placate them because you can't talk about it without revealing your own wrongdoing.

This 50 euro hotel can be explained. She might have wanted to do something separate from you, but not against you. Even for a higher cost. Expectation that our partner fulfils all our needs is unsustainable. But you can call hotel and ask about prices for bigger event midweek, if it gives you peace of mind. Girls on the hen party in their own company might get very naughty. Strippers or anything like this are on the table. Even naughty talks could have made her excited. Guys often go to such clubs. Wouldn't it make you horny after that?

We really don't know what happened. She got angry 5 years ago, when you confronted her. Anger is caused by fears. But what she was afraid of? Was she afraid that her affair would be revealed or was she afraid of losing your trust? We don't know.

From this phone calls, it looked like he was chasing her. She might have given in eventually. But you can't exclude that he is a predator praying on intoxicated women. So in that case she would be a victim. Her lost of mood next day could indicate it, could indicate that she made something out of her character. Or if innocent, she could slightly regret missed opportunity. Everything really can be explained in anyway we want.

You need also to trust your gut feelings. But you might just sense that this guy is a threat for you both. Not necessarily that your wife is a cheater. Your wife can simply have a soft spot for him but not necessarily follow it. You could help your wife. If you accepted this drink invitation you might know him more. You might notice things about him, which your wife can't. We have our blind spots in different places. Also you might influence, how she will see him later. The bigger weight you attach to him, the more attractive he will look in her eyes, so be cautious. It is all dynamic.

The most important thing is what you want next. If you want to save your marriage, you can woo your wife again and become a more attractive option, than her affair, if it is true. You can't exclude that you might have contributed in her looking somewhere else. Marriage is two way street and needs effort from both sides. So it would be good to explore. And you need a peace of mind as well to succeed. So you need to talk with her but only about things you can discuss, like about her mood, about her sexual and other needs. For sure don't talk about phone calls. Such breach of trust is difficult to repair. That's why it is a silly thing to do. You can't discuss it later, so you are doing this damage to yourself really and your relationship.

One tip for questioning. People rarely can repeat a lie. So while talking just ask for confirmation of her previous answer, like repeat the question and observe if she struggles to answer or not.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315420#Comment_119315420

The OPs story has more colour and detail added.

@Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315275#Comment_119315275

Worst post I've read on here in a while 😄

@Rebel81 Doesn't sound good, OP. I'd be hiring a PI to get to the bottom of it. There's been enough red flags to justify you having someone investigate it. She might be innocent when the smoke clears. If not, you'll be able to get out and not waste anymore time living a lie.

He sounds like a weasel, too. Married guy calling other married women at 4am, SMH.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316585#Comment_119316585

This is a litany of poor advice. Even adding into the mix that the other guy is a sexual predator without basis.

You may as well tell him to self immolate. There is blatantly at least an emotional affair underway at the least.

If there was something going on between your wife and the colleague back five years ago, that wasn't going to miraculously stop. They were in contact a month ago so they're quite obviously still on good terms. They haven't had an argument or falling out.

So we must ask ourselves, would they really be carrying on for fives years and kept it a secret?

Especially given they're colleagues and often in the company of other colleagues...

You said it yourself, you haven't heard tell about the male colleague in the intervening years.

Now, obviously we've all heard stories of people living double lives, but keeping an affair hush-hush for half a decade takes serious effort. The longer you get away with an affair the bolder you get.

She's either an exceptional liar or there's nothing going on.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316731#Comment_119316731

Well, you seem to not be able to see a difference between "can't exclude someone is" from "someone is".

And my advice was given to a person, who wants to save his marriage.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316853#Comment_119316853

We can't exclude that anyone is a sexual predator in that case. All we have is the reported behaviour of his wife.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316862#Comment_119316862

So your advice is....? Other than criticising others' posts

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316990#Comment_119316990

I was advising him to ignore yours. That's advice and a good one at that.

notAMember

OP, did you ever meet her work colleague that you’re worried about? She asked you to meet him for a drink I think, and you refused. So did you ever meet him?

People often draw an odd line between work and family and segregate them slightly artificially in my opinion. I have met friends through work, people I click with and still remain friends with years (dare I say decades!) after we no longer work together. Of any gender. We spend a lot of time with people at work, they can be a significant relationship. They’ve met my family and the vice versa.

If I were you I would get to know this person better.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316996#Comment_119316996

Maybe you should read a forum charter?

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119317078#Comment_119317078

Yes I've met him a few times briefly. All I remember is him telling me that I'm a very lucky guy, over and over.

And no, when my wife tells me that her colleague wants to meet me to tell me directly that she is great, literally what she said to me, no thanks. Not for me.

Sorolla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119318116#Comment_119318116

You are the lad with the inferiority complex.

You are more than likely punching above your weight.

It has been acknowledged to you that you are indeed a very lucky man to have a wonderful wife.

why do the think the bringer of this positive news is intent on breaking the 7th commandment?

this gentleman workmate sounds like a really nice guy and he went to a lot of effort to meet you but you are not interested in meeting him.

why are you closing the door on meeting and also having a nice evening with this gentleman?

i honestly think you have a massive chip on your shoulder and have serious trust issues.

maybe you are the lad that is hiding something - as in a liar does not believe anyone else

i pity your suffering wife having to put up with you.

cop on to yourself and enjoy life with your wife

Rebel81

Wow just wow.

I have set the reason why I was suspicious. Many posters have agreed with me.

I don't have any inferiority complex. I'm concerned that my wife has been carrying on with another guy.