Wife and her male colleague

Rebel81

Hi Guys and gals.

I'll try and keep this short and to the point but sometimes a bit of context is needed.

One of my wife's male colleagues caused issues in our relationship a few years ago as she would not stop talking about him and how great he was. He even offered to take me out for a drink to tell me how great he was. These things on their own weren't concerning but what was concerning at the time was this.

She went to a Xmas party a few years ago which was in a different county. It was a 3 hour drive. She told me she was driving up herself as she wanted to leave early the next morning and didn’t want to be waiting on her colleagues following a night of drink. No problem, suit yourself. So she came home the next day and after I came home from work, she said she wanted to get intimate later that night. Pre planning never happens from her side as she never really iniatiates. Anyway, through conversation it came out that after their night at the bar/club they all went back to one of her male colleague’s hotel bedroom to have more drink, as the bar was closed. Apparently all her colleagues were there, who are all married. Mostly guys but one or two females too. She then tells me that she didn't actually drive up alone but had collected her work colleague, the same guy who caused issues in our relationship, and they drove up to the city where the xmas night out was being held. She also dropped him home the next day. For me, I became suspicious straight away. We spoke and she became angry that I would even insinuate that something was going on between them. I insinuated nothing, I was just bothered as to why she omitted the fact. We eventually forgot about it and moved on and I didn't hear any more about him again, until now!

My wife was at a retirement function for another colleague 3 weeks ago. This was in the same town she works in. She assumed I didn't want to go as I don't really like her work dos, which is a fair point.

Anyhow, she said she would book a room in the hotel where the function was on. A taxi home would have cost 60 euro, whereas the hotel cost 50 euro. I also offered to collect her (25 minute drive) but she said it would be too late in the morning.

My gut told me to check her phone the other day. I've only done this once and that was after she told me about the Xmas party 5 years ago. Low and behold, she had an outgoing call at 12am to one of her male colleagues at the retirement function. The same colleague she drove to the Xmas party with all those years ago. I have never heard him been mentioned in the last 5 years. She also had 6 missed calls from him just before she called him.

My gut is screaming at me, telling me that something is not right.

I'd appreciate anybodys input or thoughts.

Trust your gut

spakman

Could be entirely innocent - him ringing to say she left her jacket/bag behind.

Or maybe he was trying it on, she left, he rang 6 times, and she rang back to say **** off!

Or it could be worse - but it might not be

Rebel81

You could be right. But the function was on in the same hotel she was staying in which is in a fairly remote spot. If there was no history between them, I wouldn't bat an eye lid.

walshb

This is not some juvenile teen romance. It’s marriage, your wife. No wife or husband should be behaving:carrying on like what you have described!

Donald Trump

Reading between the lines, it appear you might suspect that she wanted to get jiggy with you after the first instance just so the dates would match up in case she might have gotten pregnant from her colleague?

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311277#Comment_119311277

That was an afterthought yes. But that wasn't in my head at the time. It was that she may have felt guilty or something along those lines. I could count on 2 hands the amount of times she has iniatiated over the years.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311246#Comment_119311246

This is how she behaved. As for the other guy, he is married and has been for at least 10 years.

One Who Waits...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311277#Comment_119311277

Jesus. If this is what goes on in the heads of (some) married people, then I'm glad I'm single.

Sorry. Got no advice for OP. Just... Jesus.

Jequ0n

I don’t know OP. She simply might not be telling you things any more because she knows that you’ll get jealous. If I were you I’d be suspicious and jealous too, but that’s probably because I know what I get up to myself.

Have there been no other work functions for 5 years? Check the hotel website for prices as well, because 50 sounds like an incredibly cheap rate which would make me wonder…

listermint

There's no hotels in this country. If it is Ireland. Going for 50 euro.

Meeoow

The fact that she mentioned how great he was makes me think there was nothing going on. She'd be more inclined not to mention him if there was anything going on.

I'd say she's fed up having to explain herself to a jealous husband, so keeps the facts to herself now to avoid confrontation.

Do you go to work functions OP? Does your wife quiz you about female colleagues?

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311848#Comment_119311848

Ha good point.

This party was mid week 4 weeks ago.

Just went to book a room. In the same hotel and low and behold, it's 115 for the night, not 50. Would June be the same rate. If I book in September, the price is 85.

Many of her other colleagues stayed there too. Would there be a group discount?

Big Bag of Chips

It was probably €50 if she was sharing. She might have been sharing with a female colleague?

People are always told to trust their gut.

Rebel81

Thanks for your reply.

I was never jealous, just always wondered if anything was going on between them. He would text her at 4am in the morning. Would that not make you suspicious? He is married by the way.

My wife works with men mostly and they call her and text her daily. I have no issue with that, I'm not jealous and she knows that.

I've been to work dos yes and no she doesn't quiz me. Neither do I quiz her. This guy has always caused me to be suspicious due to his strange behaviour.

Rebel81

No she booked a single room and never mentioned if she was sharing. Generally she would not withhold that information.

Augme

I'd be very surprised if she isn't havjng an affair. But in saying that, I'm not really sure what the point of post is tbh. Are you going to take a straw poll from boards.ie and make a decision based on those results?

Chances are your relationship is on the rocks even when discounting this guy. You sound like a couple who are together out of habit/convenience rather than love.

Baybay

I think having people on here evaluate the circumstances in which you find yourself might only serve to rack up the pressure & tension to no great end.

If your wife made any kind of mistake a few years ago, whether disclosing too much or not enough to you, whether she was flattered, pursued, curious, in too deep too suddenly or whatever else but she & you talked, moved on & presumably have been happy since.

You don’t like this man & that’s fair. She works with him & while she might have thought he was great back then, that may have changed. As in, he’s a colleague, perhaps given to dalliances while maybe making her feel special, the only one. She may know different now. He might still be flattering, flirty, hopeful & maybe she’s uncomfortable about all of it, with him & talking to you about it. Maybe the renewed contact is her telling him to back off.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312343#Comment_119312343

I just wanted to see if my suspicions were valid or if I was imagining it all.

What makes you think it is a marriage of convenience ?

Hannibal_Smith

While I do believe in trusting your gut and if its not normally like you to get jealous, then fair enough. But before going any further with it try taking a step back.

It all kicked off with you getting jealous because she talked about him and seems to have snowballed from there.

It seems when she mentions him a row kicks off, so she just doesn't talk about him and you pretend he's gone. You've aired your issues before and she's tried to convince you there's nothing going on but that's not enough and you're stuck in this vicious circle.

So ask yourself, does your gut genuinely tell you something is going on or is it just jealousy? If you confront her and she reassures you nothing is going on you're both just going to brush it under the carpet again and it'll re-emerge the next time she has a work do when they'll be hanging out again. If you tell her to stop being mates with him then where do you draw the line?

You're both going to have to address the issue with this guy. You can't keep going round in circles with it.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312355#Comment_119312355

Maybe she was flattered by the attention. Only she knows that.

I don't think I'll ever know what the renewed contact actually was about.

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119311341#Comment_119311341

I know. I was including husband and wife in the general sense. Yes, her behaviour here is the big problem

Augme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312434#Comment_119312434

The way you talk about the relationship i guess. I get the sense that if she was cheating you'd be upset more at the principal of it, rather than the fact it would jeopardise the relationship. No mention of you being worried to end things, you talk about trying to fix things. Also the fact she never initiates sex is always a red flag. Her attitude towards you is also a not great and doesn't paint a very positive picture of the relationship.

If you genuinely want to work on the relationship id suggest couples councilling. Even if she isn't actually having an affair the relationship still isn't in good shape. There's no communication and trust between the two of you, that's a massive issue.

screamer

Something seems off with this, she might not be having an affair but somethings going on. Maybe she fancies the colleague and maybe it’s just a game for him, he sounds like an ego head. It’s a tricky one if you ask her outright she could be very offended you don’t trust her. I don’t have much advise, watch and wait and see what happens.

Pissy Missy

The fact she was so open about this guy at the beginning would make me think she's not hiding anything

However initiating sex when she virtually never does that makes me think she was trying to save her skin in case she got pregnant

6 missed calls off a work colleague and a txt at 4am!? That's sending alarm bells in my head.

Now maybe it's all innocent. But 4am txts from work colleagues is inappropriate unless maybe they're mates and there could be a reason for it.

You could always hire a private detective. Or just talk to your wife and tell her how you feel.

In my experience some ppl will do what they can to avoid admitting the truth just so they can have their cake and eat it. This may not be your wife's situation though.

At the end of the day, I'm a firm advocate on trusting your gut

faceman

Some of the replies in this thread are bonkers and unhelpful.

You have my sympathy OP, this sounds like more than just jealousy. Now while we are only getting your side of the story, and it could be innocent, some of the behaviours you’ve mentioned aren’t on in married relationship.

Firstly, as her husband, when you raised concerned about her relationship with this guy, she got angry. Anger is a major red flag in a relationship when someone has concerns about a very common relationship issue. It’s a defensive move. If nothing was going on then in most cases a partner would be more reassuring in an empathetic way.

Texts at 4am, late night calls and missed calls; if there’s nothing going on she should have no issue admitting that this happened or talking about it.

I’ll assume me you want to save your relationship. A direct conversation is necessary and it will likely be unpleasant. You need to call her out on this once and for all. You have information now that she doesn’t know you know. Speak direct and without emotion. Let her talk. You’ll know if she’s lying.

Best of luck OP, it won’t be easy.

Rebel81

Just to clarify these late night texts at 4am were 5 or so years ago. And she told me about them at the time, as it woke me up. So that on its own is not a red flag for me.

The call at the recent work do was at 12am and lasted 6 seconds. There were 6 missed calls from him just before that, not that the time really matters. These are the only times I ever checked her phone.

faceman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312706#Comment_119312706

Texts can be deleted. WhatsApp can be archived and deleted. A 6 second phone call can simply be “I’m in room 104” or “stop calling me I’m married”

Jinglejangle69

The fact she lied about driving with him and back to the party is enough for me.

Lies like that from your wife.

No way.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312795#Comment_119312795

Not so much lied, well it is a lie. She said she was going alone, and then went with him on their 3 hour drive, when she knew other colleagues were going too.

Jinglejangle69

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312800#Comment_119312800

So it is a lie and a red line for me.

Caranica

Talk to your wife and not strangers on the internet, you have to have this out with her.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312143#Comment_119312143

Well then go with your gut. If it's just this particular guy that's not sitting right with you. To be fair 4am texts would concern me too.

ardinn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119312075#Comment_119312075

So she paid for half the room!

Fell upon my sword

I totally understand why the OP would want to first ask strangers on the net for opinion before talking to his wife.

As the conversation will probably be very uncomfortable, OP needs to feel sure that his doubts are reasonable and justified beforehand. Otherwise, his wife will again play the angry card immediately, and unsure of himself, doubting his own sanity, OP would end up apologizing for daring to even doubt her. It's always better to be confident of your own judgement before going into this conversation. 

I agree with the OP and with the majority of posters that it does not look good. Red flags are accumulating a bit too much for this to be an innocent coincidence. Planning intimacy while she never did, the late texts 5 years ago, the short calls at the hotel, the low price of the room. (There was no hotel room at this price in June.) 

However, if something was going on, it is unlikely that they'd have stopped for 5 years, and start again in my opinion. Were there any sign during the 5 years, thinking back? Lots of business trips? Overtime work? Weekend with the girls? Were you encouraged a lot to go do your own things by yourself?

Seth Brundle

The OP should remember that whilst it is unusual to see the late night texts and calls between his wife and her colleague when they were away, the OP will have to justify the breach of trust by snooping through her phone - twice!

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313239#Comment_119313239

A bit of a snarky tone considering the OP was just trying to check if he was being unreasonable…

The Nal

Yeah sorry to say, but it looks like shes been having an affair with him on and off for 10 years.

I know someone who did the exact same. Can go cold for months or even years and then start up again.

Men calling your wife at 4am is not good

Car99

Trust is a funny thing . You have to trust to have a good relationship but in trusting a partner it makes it easier for them to be unfaithful if they choose. Trust is a necessary risky business with high stakes. When trust is broken the trusting person is usually last to know unfortunately. I hope you get some answers .

I definitely think your gut is telling you something here op and it's not good news.

My advice ( and I wish I'd known this when in the same situation) is to say absolutely nothing until you have undeniable evidence, calls and texts will be written off as being something else completely and it will be all turned around on you being jealous etc. I'd have no issue checking phone/ bills/ laptop etc in this scenario, I know others disagree but unless you've been in the same situation it's easy to say you shouldn't check them.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313239#Comment_119313239

Talk to your wife, but don't have it out with her.

Tell her your concerns, ask if she has a reasonable explanation. Likely she does, likely it's nothing.

You're looking for an answer, not a confrontation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313935#Comment_119313935

If there's been no sign of anything for the past years, then likely the OP will never get undeniable evidence, but will always have suspicion and bitterness.

OP, your wife has the answers. You have the questions. Tread very softly with this one, tell her that you know that it's likely nothing but this guy bugs you and you want to make sure it's nothing.

rolling boh

I think there is enough evidence for you to really find out a bit more before you say anything you will have to be sure of something going on before confronting her .If there is something going on you will find enough if you look hard enough .

marklazarcovic

your being had man,you just haven't accepted it yet,sorry.

Purgative

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313239#Comment_119313239

This.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the slightest but I think you need to talk to your wife.

Something else I picked up which might be correct or could just be down to writing style or trying to get all the salient points down. You state in a post "No problem suit yourself", "I was never jealous", "I'm not jealous and she knows that", - could this be interpreted as not bothered?

Augme

So the two times you checked your wives phone there were two bug giant red flags that showed up? God only know what would have bene on her phone if you checked it more often.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313625#Comment_119313625

No signs realy only that our sex life continued to be once every 6 weeks or so, sometimes 2 months. don't think we had sex between November and March of this year, albeit I tried.

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119313625#Comment_119313625

I stopped showing any kind of concern or suspicion after the incident with that guy 5 years ago.

Just accepted anything that caused me to be suspicious or which I thought might be breaking the boundaries of a marriage.

2Mad2BeMad

Just ask her OP

Confront her about it, as another poster said say your not looking for an argument but you have serious concerns

All red flags for me and I dunno how you could let it ly, my head would be spinning with stress over something like that from all the thinking

Rebel81

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119314921#Comment_119314921

It's is very much spinning. I know if I ask, it will be rinse and repeat and I'll be made feel like it was all in my head.

Fell upon my sword

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119315027#Comment_119315027

OP, I agree, I am not sure asking will get you an answer.

When you asked 5 years ago, at a much earlier stage of your relationship, when this could have just been an 'accident', she got angry and wouldn't admit it. Now that this is MAYBE a longterm thing, she'll be even less likely to agree to talk about it, in my opinion.

I wouldn't say anything for now, just keep an eye open going forward, without showing it.

You have been so trusting and relax about the whole thing for so long, that she got very confident and sloppy. (The 50 eur hotel room thing, the fact you were able to check her phone log).

If really there is something going on (hopefully not, although there are way too many red flags unfortunately), if you pay attention, now you are on your guards, you'll definitely see it pretty quickly.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119314837#Comment_119314837

They're longish stretches - but then again every couple is different.