Should I give up? Advice needed

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119290993#Comment_119290993

That's what I was thinking

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119416670#Comment_119416670

From his perspective, he just lost his job and he was being asked to attend a family event (where work and career would no doubt come up) and to make a long term commitment (financial and emotional).

I would say important to find out why his job did not work out (May be multiple reasons including bullying or an error and not necessarily something suspicious).

You like him and he likes you. Probably worth seeing can you work this through. Every relationship has ups and downs and perhaps he is just front loading some of these.

good luck.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP, but if someone can’t tell you that they lost their job, and has to come up with weird excuses as a consequence, you have a problem on your hands.

Give it another shot by all means, but I doubt this will be the last pitiful story you will hear. I think you know yourself that something isn’t right here but I wish you the best of luck.

Bookreader35

@Yellowlead. Thanks so much for your response. I am going to ask him what his next steps are and ask him what would help him in this situation to move forward ie. Talking to a therapist for talking therapies CBT.

@Big bag of chips. Thank you so much for your reply. You’ve given me serious food for thought and insight that I am very grateful for especially the part about the kind of life/future that I’m envisioning for myself and I really appreciate your input saying that. No we didn’t speak about getting back together or the relationship when we met up. We kept conversation about everything in general. In terms of his depression, I didn’t really see it during our time together. He never complained much and wasn’t in bad form that often that I can recall. Never lazy or appeared to be unmotivated. We were always busy doing things together at the weekends and he seemed keen to be physically active with sports like hiking, swimming, running and also he plays football as well. However, I am not denying that he is clearly in a depressive state with his work situation when I’m not there that he is staying in bed, not applying for jobs but again I need to get more information on what happened. I’m going to think on a lot of the points that you’ve mentioned.

 

@Pissy Missy: Thanks as well. No, he is not married and no partner.

Count Dracula

I find it remarkable that you were not aware that he was struggling with his career? Given that you had established relationship deadlines concerning when you were moving in together ( 6 whole months ? Easy there Tiger ) and when he was going to meet your folks etc. Did you not show any interest in his working life and what it encompassed? It is crazy to think that you had notions of moving in with someone who you barely even knew.

The next time you meet someone you like I suggest you let any relationship that develops do just that, develop. Putting time parameters and enforcing expectations on a relationship, before it is even allowed to blossom, is very unromantic altogether. Unromantic relationships are a waste of time, pointless. Try not to spoil your love life by demanding too much out of it, particularly irrelevant details such as meeting your parents after a handful of months, who in their right minds would be interested in going through that torture? Meeting your partners parents is a head melt, particularly if you have never met them before.

You seem like a really nice person, don't forget that. But I would try to avoid getting too bogged down with this loser. You are already saying that he has mental issues, you are his girlfriend, not his therapist? You only "know" this guy 6 months, that is not long enough to have any notion of what he is really like. Do you really want to set the dynamic in your relationship that you are somehow his saviour and that you managed, single handedly, to drag him out of whatever crisis he is struggling with? Don't bother, the first year of any relationship is supposed to be the honeymoon period, not a prequel to its' seven year itch. Dump him now while you still can, he sounds potentially as crippling as were your initial notions about the direction and tempo of your relationship, it does not bode well for a happy future, move on.

the_syco

Would show his picture to friends & family if you've not done so already. I'm guessing he has either screwed over a mutual friend and/or one of your family, or had sexual relations with one of them.

It is also possible that someone in your family/friend circle has sacked him, and he doesn't want the reason known (red flag, tbh).

TheadoreT

Im not sure what you're getting out of this OP, even taking him at his word for why he silenced you for weeks It's not the greatest pointer to his character is it.

This is a man you may have kids with in the future. Would you like that person to absolutely crumble every time when faced with the inevitable adversities life throws at us? To hide truths from you? To ignore you for weeks? To hold all his self worth in work success?

Even in the best case scenario he'll need a lot of help to work through his issues(which may or may not work). You'll have to compromise on all your own wants like moving in or relationship progression ect.

Your focus seems to be solely on him, but you can't have felt good in these passed weeks. Its still essentially early days in the relationship, are you prepared for potentially years of that personal mental strain for a guy that's not nearly as considerate about you?

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119417485#Comment_119417485

https://www2.hse.ie/services/mental-health-supports-and-services/

This is a link to free mental health services that you could share with him if you feel it may help.

I'm sorry you've been experiencing this OP, it sounds like you care for him a lot and are really supportive.

Hopefully he gets the help that he needs but definitely prioritise you. He's obviously going through a rough time but cutting contact with you like that, it just makes me think he could do it again to you which isn't fair on you. Wishing you the best of luck with this situation, and remember he's lucky to have someone as caring as you so don't undervalue yourself. You deserve the best.

laoisgem

This is bringing back memories to me of my ex husband. He could get the best of jobs but only last a few months before he inevitably started failing to show up for work and getting fired. The first I heard of it was after we split up and were living separately but still in constant contact. I received a phone call from his employer as he had failed to show up to work and wouldn't answer the phone, because I was next of kin they contacted me and then the Gardaí to do a welfare check on him. It happened pretty constant after that and he would disappear off the radar even from me, and we share a child together, only to turn up again a few months later.

I wish I was given the warning signs as early as you have been OP. Take care of yourself first and foremost, you can't fix everyone.