Is it ever acceptable to break up via text?

YellowLead

From a timing perspective is it ever acceptable to end something with a text message or voice note?

I've been on 5 dates with a guy, we haven’t slept together yet. I have lost interest and don’t want to keep dating him and would much prefer to not have to do it via phone. The thing is, if this was me - I’d prefer the other person ended it via text as a phone call would be awkward. Clearly if it was a proper relationship in person would be the right thing to do - but after five dates what do people normally do?

kowloonkev

I think it's fine for you to end it by text, but be gentle about it. The kind of people who get upset about you ending it by text are probably the same people who will flip out/drag it out if you end it in person.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119279132#Comment_119279132

That’s how I feel. I was chatting to a few different friends on whattsap last night at the same time as him and he could clearly see i was online but not always responding instantly to his messages so he asked me if I was chatting to other people. Which I thought was a bit much.

Gant21

WhatsApp is acceptable, sms isn’t.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119279182#Comment_119279182

What would be the difference?

I don’t use sms anymore, when I say text I mean whattsap just be be clear :)

dobman88

I wouldn't even call it a break up after 5 dates. It's just a person you've lost interest in and telling them on WhatsApp is perfectly acceptable. It's less awkward and both parties just move on.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119279213#Comment_119279213

Thank you this is what I wanted to hear. It’s what I think but my friend said I should call him, so I was hoping I wasn’t doing the wrong thing.

He’s an older guy too (mid 50s) and I wondered if he would think it rude via text because of being a different generation, but that’s me overthinking!

woodchuck

5 dates does not a relationship make, therefore it's not even a breakup. It's just someone you don't want to take things further with. In this situation, I think a text is fine.

dobman88

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119279228#Comment_119279228

Oh Jesus no, don't call him. Someone did that to me once and it was the most awkward encounter I've ever had with another person. I've also been told by text that someone has lost interest back in my single days, I wished them luck and moved on.

Just think about what you want to say, be nice as you can and send it.

In a world of ghosting, you’re being uber polite by texting.

5 dates, not feeling it. A text is fine.

Jafin

Considering it has only been five dates and you haven't slept together then I think a text is ok in this instance. As someone else mentioned, just be gentle. Something along the lines of "Hi (name), I've enjoyed the time we spent together but I don't see us forming a meaningful romantic connection in the future, so I think it's better that we don't see one another anymore. Best of luck in the future."

Jequ0n

Of course it’s ok. Go ahead and text

theteal

5 dates and no, eh, snuggling?

Ye young folk these days, pfffft.

Yeah I wouldn't even call that a breakup

What's the most bitter tasting coffee in the world?

Break up coffee:-)

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058252719/is-it-ever-acceptable-to-break-up-via-text

It’s perfectly fine

...Ghost...

With him being an older guy, he might well consider it rude. Do what works for you OP. Maybe stick to your own generation in future though and you may get beyond 5 dates.

Five dates and no riding?

That's a friendship.

A text is perfectly fine.

Strumms

It’s acceptable.

i broke up with the girlfriend before this one by WhatsApp, she was being a difficult drama Queen , ever increasingly so….wouldn’t answer my calls or reply to WhatsApp’s after not even an argument, just a difference of opinion which were becoming more regular… then out of the blue a couple of weeks later my phone rings and just I thought, “ fûcking no chance am I answering that… “ no thanks, it’s over, good luck… “….delete and block….

How do you think he will take it, if you end it by text?

Going against the popular opinion, but I do think its rude. I know some friends its happened to, and they all felt disrespected by it, and their self-esteem a little deflated, like they weren't even worth a phone call.

But you do you.

JoChervil

Texting him will be a kind thing to do. Most people wouldn't even bother after 5 dates. They would just ghost him, which I find wrong.

Meeting with him to end it would be too much because there is nothing really to end.

It doesn't matter that he is 50. If he prefers to stay dinosaur, it is not your responsibility. Why should you accommodate him, not yourself?

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280254#Comment_119280254

they all felt disrespected by it, and their self-esteem a little deflated

If they felt that way, so probably there was more into it like sleeping with them, so they did it to themselves really...

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280116#Comment_119280116

What an odd thing to say, particularly seeing as I'm pretty sure the OP is in her 40s herself.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280330#Comment_119280330

OK... I don't know how you can make that mental leap to make it the other persons fault for feeling disrespected - but whatever.

OP you know what kind of person you're dealing with. No harm in letting someone down gently and having a little consideration for their feelings at the same time, is all I'm saying. Manners cost nothing, but are sadly scarce these days.

In my view, a text says "you're not worth the effort of a phone call". If that makes me a dinosaur, I'm okay with it. 🦖

B.A._Baracus

Send the text if you want. After 5 dates some would even just ghost truth be told.

But no matter how you do it he'll think you're bit of a bitch. So just send them the text without putting too much thought in to it.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280363#Comment_119280363

Growing up hurts. It tears out our illusions about ourselves. We find our place by a series of trial. We try meeting with different people than us. And it is perfectly normal that we meet rejection and we reject others. 

If someone attaches self esteem to it, one is not a grown up person.

Yet I agree about doing it gently...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280368#Comment_119280368

I'm pretty sure at 50, he is already grown up.

What is not being a grown up, is breaking up with someone by text as if you're a teenager.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280254#Comment_119280254

I dunno Loueze. I can see your point, but regardless of the way you get the heave-ho, it's going to be blow to the auld ego.

This person is mid 50s(no idea what age the OP is), so I'd hope they'd have enough experience in life and resilience in life experience to get over it. Don't get me wrong, it could be very hurtful, but a relationship is a two way street, so if the OP isn't feeling it...then game over. Sucks, but that's life.

In saying that, 5 dates is quite a few, especially at their age (I'm about a decade younger and wouldn't play games after maybe the 2nd one. I'm not saying the OP is by the way).

So I'd go with the message, especially if they weren't particularly intimate. Better than ghosting.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280389#Comment_119280389

So he will deal with it. It is not OP's responsibility, if he attaches self esteem to it and needs OTT treatment.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280391#Comment_119280391

I never suggested that the OP should keep on seeing this guy, only that breaking up by text is not the kindest way to end it, (imo).

If they ever bump into this person when out somewhere in the futue, how they end things could be the difference between awkwardness, straight up being ignored, or a friendly hello.

I know which I'd prefer, and before you say it, yes, I know the OP probably isn't bothered, either way.

Mr Clever

Only if the lass is a headwreck

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058252719/is-it-ever-acceptable-to-break-up-via-text

I think text helps with the awkwardness, especially if they don't take it well. If it were a long relationship I think the decent thing is to end it in person. But seeing as it's only 5 dates, I think you're good.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280422#Comment_119280422

Apologies. I didn't mean to suggest you meant them to keep seeing the guy at all.

The last part, an ignore wouldn't bother me, but that's just me. I would prefer to be amicable, but I don't know how they got on together or what he's like.

I more meant if its not there end it as soon as possible. 5 dates is quite a few in my opinion.

is_that_so

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280415#Comment_119280415

There's that whole considering the other person approach and five dates is a bit more than someone I just met. Personally think face to face is the grown up way to do that, phone at worst but that's not how the world works anymore. One thing about the over 50s is that they tend to gravitate much more towards the companionship/friendship end of the spectrum and the perspective that goes with that.

If it's WhatsApp it needs to explain things very clearly. TBH that kind of messaging can end up in an exchange that could probably be better done in person.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280422#Comment_119280422

Meeting him in person to reject him after 5 dates wouldn't be awkward?

OP, I would prefer to risk a slim chance of awkward future encounter after ending by text, than 100% awkward personal rejection.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280471#Comment_119280471

There were only 5 platonic dates. OP doesn't know him well and doesn't know, how he can take it. So for her own safety, it is better to do it by text and don't prolong it unnecessarily...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280477#Comment_119280477

I never suggested the OP meet him in person to end it. I think a phone call is the best way to go.

My mother always taught me, "treat others how you would like to be treated yourself", and its stood me in good stead.

Anyway, the OP asked if it was ever acceptable to break up by text, and the fact that they asked makes me think they're not entirely sure about just texting either.

Now they have several to views to mull over. Best of luck, whatever you decide, OP.

is_that_so

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280497#Comment_119280497

You are reading a whole lot of your own perceptions into this and making some wild assumptions about someone you have never even met. Most 50+ people I know tend to be pretty civilised when you explain things to them. Awkward is part of life and comes from decisions we make; adults deal with it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280497#Comment_119280497

Oh come on!

So now he is some kind of threat?!?

Jesus wept.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280511#Comment_119280511

The OP wrote:

"The thing is, if this was me - I’d prefer the other person ended it via text as a phone call would be awkward."

So it is perfectly in line with, what your mother has said.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280532#Comment_119280532

Well, do you know him?

From the OP's post I understood that she wanted to end it partially because he had showed some controlling behaviour about her texting with others.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280497#Comment_119280497

Not having sex doesn't mean it was platonic.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280561#Comment_119280561

Yes, it might have been simply indifferent, so even less obligation for OTT behaviour.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280545#Comment_119280545

He asked her if she was chatting to other people, not an unreasonable question after 5 dates, but of course you jump to the worst possible conclusion from that.

I'm out.

I have as little tolerance for misandry as I have for misogyny.

OP, better luck next time.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280593#Comment_119280593

Yeah, and you don't jump to the worst possible conclusion calling me a misadrist. So the second poster was perfectly right: "The kind of people who get upset about you ending it by text are probably the same people who will flip out/drag it out if you end it in person."

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280533#Comment_119280533

Except that the OP has expressed doubt that it is the right thing to do. Hence posting the thread.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119280637#Comment_119280637

I didn't jump to any conclusions. Misandry = "ingrained prejudice against men", and with nothing to base it on in your last couple of posts, you suggested that (a) the guy was a potential threat to the OPs safety and (b) attempting to control her.

So, as they say, if the shoe fits.

Now, I do not actually wish to derail the thread, so will leave it there.

JoChervil

..

As others have said, a lot of people would just ghost the fella, so even letting the chap knows where he stands is decent by modern standards.

rolling boh

Unless you are likely to meet him around after only five dates I think text is ok am sure some people think it is rude but just text him and be polite about it and move on .

Tork

I think it's better to send a nicely worded text than to have an uncomfortable conversation that has the potential to go in all sorts of directions. He might already have figured out you're not particularly enthusiastic anyway. He won't like your news no matter how it's delivered, so does it matter how you do it? After 5 dates I don't think so. Good on you for not ghosting him btw.

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119281413#Comment_119281413

I agree and disagree to a certain again extent. I think it's cool to say "listen it's not working out, wish you the best...blah, blah, blah).

But giving kudos for not ghosting them? Nah.

There has been people I've met that I didn't want to go out with. Would have loved to be friends, but that ship had sailed.

Tork

I don't understand that comment about not ghosting him being praiseworthy. Are you saying she should ghost him?