Dealing with religious partner

Padre_Pio

We are all products of a cultural Catholic upbringing.

The vast majority are baptised, communion, confirmation, sang the songs in school, learned the Angelus etc etc etc.

Leven if your daughter is brought up in a heavily religious home theres a good chance she'll reject it in her teens like most people in the country.

So I think it's a smaller issue than you make it out to be.

B.A._Baracus

Op, she has as much right as to how to raise your daughter as you do. That's why you have a sit down, a discussion and try to come to a compromise that suits you both.

You ain't gonna get the answer here. Talk to her.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119263023#Comment_119263023

That's what I was thinking, bit of a stretch to compare faith to mental illness, if it has improved her life and their relationship then that is telling. Now if it were heroin, that's another thing altogether

Ardent

This is a tricky one. It's nigh on impossible to change the mind of someone who has found god in a big way. In fact, she'll probably spend every waking minute trying to save YOUR soul.

Probably the best thing for your daughter is to be fully transparent about your different beliefs.

Liberty_Bear

Like the OP I am a deeply athetistic person. Key here is compromise and you do risk alienating your wife or yourself I suppose if a solution is not found. Maybe one way is to agree that both beliefs can be taught to your child, explaining how the world works. Your wife can explain her religious ideals and you can teach about humanism and that in your own beliefs that you do not believe in any ideaology of a creator or something similar. You might contact Michael Nugent in Atheist Ireland whom might have come across this before.

Big Bag of Chips

A number of off topic posts have been deleted. Posters are reminded that this is an advice forum. Replies are expected to offer advice to the OP who has come asking for it.

Anyone unfamiliar with the standard of posting expected in this forum should reread The Forum Charter.

Mrs OBumble

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119263357#Comment_119263357

Nope. I think it's critical to establish if the OP wishes to avoid all "fairy tales" or just ones that he doesn't like. The question could equally be asked about banshees and Tuatha Dé.

Mental illness is a possibility when there's a sudden conversion. But it's not usually accompanied by someone being a better parent and part of a stronger relationship than before. Usually it's accompanied by reduced ability to care for yourself and for others. I'd guess it's unlikely in this case. But a chat with the PHN would not be out of order.

But the child is going to be exposed to the mother's religious beliefs. You cannot prevent that, unless you split up and can convince a judge to grant you sole custody, and are willing to totally deprive the child on a relationship with his/her mother. The first is extremely unlikely anyway, and the 2nd would be an absolutely a*hole thing to do.

Fundamentally, it comes down to whether the OP wants to stay with the relationship. The change in religious outlook will make it more complicated than you expected. But equally one of you could have got a head injury.

Whether you are together or not, there will be challenges as the child grows up and the parents want different things for him/her. But the only way to avoid that is for one parent or the other to totally remove themselves from the child's life.

For Forks Sake

OP didn't mention if their wife had joined a church, but if so, keep an eye on any bank accounts as well for unusual transactions, some of the more evangelical ones ain't shy about soliciting for "donations"

MEGA BRO WOLF 5000

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119259966#Comment_119259966

I always think your comments on this forum are absolutely retarded. Proof right there. You're not helping.

---------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter. Keep it civil.

Akrasia

Before going down the road of mental illness or anything like that. Has the OP spoken to his wife about what caused her to 'find god' and has he had a talk about all of the reasons she previously gave for rejecting religion, and what has changed to make those beliefs invalid.

She is entitled to her beliefs but if those beliefs are an indication of a sudden change of personality that she cannot back up with coherent reasons, then it's a serious cause for concern.

The fact that you had a secular wedding indicates that she was a considered atheist, rather than just someone who can take religion or leave it.

If she has just changed her mind, then she should be reasonable and allow her own children to be raised as independent thinkers, free to decide their own beliefs when they come of age. If she is being unreasonable about this. It would be a big red flag that her mental capacity has been compromised

Caranica

In my experience "born again" religious people seem to take devotion to extremes. Sounds like your wife is following suit.

What type of school will your child be going to OP? Catholic or Educate together? Religion will be part of their life one way or another. Christmas for example.

As a young child I was given gifts of religious books, to me they were fairy tales the same as Hans Christian Andersen. I had loads of other books too and made it clear I preferred those. I didn't believe from a very early age, something my parents struggled with but they accepted in time.

I think the key thing for you is balance. You need to balance out your wife's actions. Tell her that yes she can pass on her religious beliefs, as can you. She can buy those books, you can buy others. No one position should be dominant. Whether your wife will accept that is another matter. Counseling might help to find a middle ground.

Neyite

The thing about faith is that it's a personal journey - or should be. So this is where I think you have an angle to argue against her trying to convert you - and maybe even your child down the line.

And just as your wife found her faith when she found it - by herself - she needs to let others do the same. So if it's god's will that you become a believer, then he will lead you to it in your own time and path the way that he appeared to have done with her. When she found her faith again it wasn't because someone nagged her to read the book, it was because she herself did it of her own accord.

In the meantime you can respect her beliefs without comment, as long as she does likewise and in that way, minimal harm will be done to your relationship.

I grew up in a very strict catholic household. I'm talking strict lent observance with penance and daily mass, all night vigils, pilgrimages, confession on a Saturday and mass on a Sunday, and nightly rosary. Even sex education was straight from the RCC doctrine. I won't be glib and say that it didn't do me any harm - I think it did particularly as being female. But another parent to counterbalance the one-sided doctrine or supplement it with real-world non-religious advice would have sorted that out I think.

For what it's worth, my partner still has some remnants of faith (I don't at all), so we are bouncy-castle-Catholics at best. But he would never expect us to follow suit with his beliefs. I also let my son know that there's loads of other religions out there and its ok to believe in any or none, and we chat about the different ones every once in a while. At the moment he likes the idea of reincarnation as he's sadly had a few bereavements in his life already so while he is unconvinced about heaven, coming back as a bug due to past deeds appeals to his 10yo sense of justice! By the time your child is old enough to ask the questions your wife might have settled down from being a newly minted zealot and become more understanding about faith being a personal journey so it might not be as much of a worry.

notAMember

First priority would be maintaining a good relationship here and find a way to deal with this, for your daughter's sake. Worst case scenario would be a marriage break-up over it, where access could be difficult.

The way you described your wife on social media previously, being involved in every cause, may indicate this isn't such a huge personality change for her, she sounds like she has always been someone who heavily invests in her interests. Passionate about her interest /focus, whatever it is. It's not surprising then that she would be so full on with the born-again version of christianity.

If we were lucky in Ireland, we will have grown up with the watered-down Irish form of Christianity, with plenty of easter eggs and christmas dinners, communion parties and celebrations of the local saint, and not so heavy on the confessions, bible readings, penance and doom. The Bouncy Castle Catholics as Neyite describes. The children's bible in that context is cultural education rather than deeply religious indoctrination.

Ideally you need to create your own role in parenting, and balance out the bibles with other stories, different religions, different outlook. And make sure that your family time at weekends and evenings is active family time, like walks in the park, going to the beach, rather than cooped up in a building reading the bible for most of the time.

This may all flip to a new passion in a few years, especially as the school days start. The PA will be looking for volunteers and she sounds like just the right woman for an epic bakesale, so I wouldn't dig a trench over this focus just yet.

sporina

OP how did your wife find this new found love for God? did she make a new friend while under stress or?

joeguevara

The situation about bed time story books is not a tricky situation at all. As a child every night we were read stories about Irish folklore and legends such as fionn macusll, cu chulainn and children of lir. We were also read stories like Samson, Noah’s arc, Zacheues.

they were interesting and entertaining stories and had good morals to them, but none were indoctrinating dogma. Bible stories and indeed fairytales usually have the same themes, characters and outcomes and kids just like the actual story.

the issue is between yourself and your wife.

HildaOgdenx

Mod note

As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I'll close this one off.

Thanks to all who offered advice.

Hilda