Partner has temper/Smashed up property

Jimbob77

I'm 44 year old man in a new relationship with a woman the same age. Have been dating 6 months.

We have our disagreements like most couples but this week she lost it and picked up a vase and smashed it against the wall. It smashed to bit

with glass flying everywhere. Then on another occasion this week she threw the remote control on to the floor and it smashed up also.

Should I just leave this relationship or try work on it?

Homelander

The fact you're asking, you know the answer.

It would be one thing is this behavior started in an existing relationship, but to enter into a new one, it's got to be a 180.

Six months and it's starting to rear it's head but it will get worse.

radiotrickster

That’s definitely a red flag you can’t ignore. I’d discuss it with her, suggest that she needs help for anger management but if she doesn’t get it and improve, I’d leave.

You don’t want to stay in a relationship where this kind of behaviour could escalate and instead of throwing things at the floor, she’s aiming at you.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251740/partner-has-temper-smashed-up-property

What does your gut say?

Jimbob77

Leave

Jim_Hodge

Just end it. Six months and having issues. Not normal and will only get worse.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251740/partner-has-temper-smashed-up-property

Have you told her you're concerned about her temper/physical aggression? If so, what did she say? If she's not willing to talk about it/acknowledge it/try work on it, then I'd go, I'd be afraid she'd get physical at you next. I have a family member like her, it's not nice to say the least.

Jequ0n

What had caused the arguments?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251740/partner-has-temper-smashed-up-property

Did you forget to put the bins out?

Sorry, shouldn't joke, and would never do it if it were a male throwing a tantrum. It's not a great sign tbh - Was she angry with herself, or was it an outburst aimed at you.

And what 'disagreements' are we talking about here. What else do you have disagreements about. Finally, what do you like about her?

gameoverdude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119248704#Comment_119248704

It's not a red flag its the chequered flag for this relationship in my opinion.

Dial Hard

Leave, now, and don't look back.

We've all lost our temper at some point, probably shouted at a partner, but two violent outbursts? In six months??? That's hugely concerning, and this kind of behaviour only tends to escalate.

Tork

Jimbob, I think you posted here a long time ago about some other bad relationship you were in. It's a no-brainer that you should get out of this relationship with this woman before it gets worse. But if you've got a track record of attracting women who have issues, it might be time to step back from dating for a while and work on yourself.

Thelonious Monk

I ended up living with someone like this before. Smashed a few of my phones, a few laptops, my TV... f*cking lunatic but I let it slide the first couple of times and by then I was broken and didn't seem to be able to look at it objectively. Then there were the physical assaults...

These people don't get better man, you gotta get rid of her.

Tork

This is a woman in her mid-40s and she is old enough to know better. I bet her exes have some stories to tell, not that you'll ever hear them. Get out before she breaks something of value in your house or physically hurts you. This is not going to get any better for you and it will get harder for you to leave.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

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The Charter can be found here. If you're unsure of the replies expected in PI/RI, please read it.

Thanks

HS

Jimbob77

Yep it is not good at all. If a man smashed a vase against the wall, he end up in the Garda station for the night.

We argue over nothing. Yes we get along and then out of nowhere there is an argument.

For eg, I said to her the other no night she looked wrecked and maybe she should go to bed. I didn't mean it as an insult, just a suggestion cause she looked really tired and she said she was tired. Well, she went nuts, about me saying she looked wrecked. She lost the plot.

That is just one instance of many

Strumms

She has violent tendencies, so leave, get rid.

plenty of challenges in relationships and she has indicated as to how she will / can behave in those situations.. ie. by becoming violent….

extricate yourself from the situation..

Jimbob77

Or another example of her flipping out was she sent a humorous comment on WhatsApp and I didn't reply so she thought I had some issue with it so I replied and said all is good, yep it's funny, not very original but funny.

Well started to write essays back to me on WhatsApp giving out to me. I mean text after text. I said she was making an issue out of nothing. She even said my comment was 'a cut to the bone' comment. I only said it wasn't very original but I did say it was funny

Tork

If one of your friends came to you and told you these stories, what advice would you give them?

Jimbob77

I think I'd say call it a day.

I am just hesitant because she does have good qualities too.

But I think she is argumentative. What do you think about the above two examples of arguments?

In your shoes, I would be ending this relationship before you get in any deeper.

You don't want to become another DV statistic.

Jequ0n

Break it off in a public place and never engage with her on your own. Save your digital conversations in case she tries to “punish” you for the rejection.

And I am serious about this advice. She will not be able to understand your point of view, or the fact that you decided something on her behalf.

Good luck.

Jimbob77

What do people think about the two examples of arguments?

Was she making a fuss out of nothing?

Jequ0n

Both examples show an inability from her end to consider your point of view, and an increased need to get you to accept culpability for having caused her distress. If you agreed with her just to have peace and quiet again she knows that this ploy works on you.

I am not saying she is doing this deliberately, and it could simply be a learned behaviour. Either scenario will put you in an uncomfortable and vulnerable condition that you will not be able to control. She thinks very differently to you and you cannot fix this with patience and “love”.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249335#Comment_119249335

Why are you so hung up on these specific examples?

tea and coffee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249335#Comment_119249335

I'm not even sure why you're asking this. You know it's batshit. A 3 year old would know it's batshit.

Even if you did annoy her, smashing a vase or whatever is not an appropriate reaction.

What do you want us to say? That it is? Everyone is saying the same thing.

Still stihl waters 3

She deserves to be on her own, run like the wind

StevenToast

Get out OP....get out now....

cap.in.hand.

Who's house are ye living in if she's smashing objects that maybe don't belong to her....

Jimbob77

Her house

Re the texting one, her reaction was over the top. But, that’s not to say your comment was clever either.

If I sent that type of comment to my wife she wouldn’t get angry, she’d get upset… not run into the sea upset, but hurt. Ultimately if I sent that text I’d be disappointed with myself.

The comment about her looking wrecked… again reaction was OTT. But, context is key (going by the ‘not original’), you may not be the most subtle. Did you say she looked ‘wrecked’ with concern or could it have been interpreted as a put down?

Again, not defending her, maybe be more sensitive in future. And please, don’t anyone accuse me of victim blaming here. Her responses were not acceptable.

Jimbob77

Thanks Chinese Whospers.

I said she looked wrecked because she did and it would have been best for her to go to bed. She took it as a putdown.

Yep, my comment that about her humour not being very original could be taken badly but immediately said all is ok it is funny move on.

She went berserk texting even saying it was a'cut to the bone' comment. I mean it was OTT.

She just makes arguments out of nothing

Jimbob77

And on top of this she has effed me out of it many times and called me a dick, an arsehole a prick etc etc

Jimbob77

I can take name calling etc but smashing property up in a temper is too far

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249800#Comment_119249800

Yeah, I’m not feeling the love there.

IF somebody said to you… ‘I forbid you to see her.’ What would your reaction be? Relief, regret?

If somebody asked you why are you STILL with her what would your IMMEDIATE answer be? Don’t think… just answer.

^^^ are rhetorical questions. You could ask yourself these for staters.

cj maxx

Leave, how long before she turns her anger on you. Just leave .

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249257#Comment_119249257

Honestly I feel stressed reading them, at best you could keep her as a distant friend if she has other good qualities, she might be a good match for someone else, but if it were me, I think get out. She's just too intense imo

cap.in.hand.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249800#Comment_119249800

Does she not want to finish the relationship as well as it certainly doesn't seem to be fully working

CoBo55

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249335#Comment_119249335

Yes she was. I've a sister exactly like that, two marriages and one child later she lives in a flat on her own drinking white wine like water. One husband a really quiet decent guy is in the grave. Run jimbob run like the wind.

Wheety

Even if it was 6 years, I'd be saying goodbye, never mind 6 months. It's just not worth it. She'll only get worse. Break up in public though, with witnesses.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249806#Comment_119249806

Well, enjoy the ride until it ends. If you are willing to accept name calling (outside of a joking banter way) you are a willing participant in the game. But you know that yourself.

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249958#Comment_119249958

Thanks. I have made up my mind.

What happened that poor man?

Snugbugrug28

She's just lashed out a bit. She's erm...passionate shall we say.

Theres a world of difference smashing something against the wall and smashing it against you. She probably refrains from throwing vases at you out of pure love.

Perhaps you can be grateful she's found a way of getting your own ridiculous behaviour off her chest :)

I disagree with the other posters. I think you should stick.

Still stihl waters 3

The sex is probably phenomenal with a woman like that, it usually is a bit freaky with the unstable ones, ultimately tho it all boils down to never stick your dick in crazy

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Edit

@Still stihl waters 3 your post falls far below the standard expected in PI/RI. The Charter can be found here. Please read it before posting again.

HS

anewme

Thread is getting a bit misogynistic. Crazy women great in bed, blah blah stereotypes.

Advice should be the same to a man or woman experiencing red flags like this - go.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250043#Comment_119250043

Let us know how the break up goes, best of luck 🌟

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@Pissy Missy asking for updates is against the Charter to avoid an OP feeling pressured to return and to prevent a thread turning into a blog for others entertainment. The Charter can be found here. Please take care time to read it.

HS

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119249800#Comment_119249800

Do you think she behaves like this to her friends, her boss or colleagues? If your answer is no, why do you believe it is acceptable for you to be the target of this verbal abuse? Something tells me that your perception of what a good relationship entails is wrong. Have you ever been in a relationship with a nice person or have you got a track record of hooking up with women with issues? Do you frequently find yourself on the wrong end of verbal lashings? You don't seem to see anything wrong with being called all these names. You're posting here about a relatively new relationship that is already not working well. She's verbally abusive, she's smashing things and you don't appear to know whether you're coming or going. It isn't going to get better and don't fool yourself into thinking anything will change. At 44 years of age she is highly unlikely to change and you've been given an insight into the sort of person she is and what your relationship will be like. She has well and truly told you who she is and to the rest of us, it isn't pretty. The good points she has count for nothing when lined up against the troubling things you've told us.

CoBo55

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250043#Comment_119250043

Two heart attacks within a month of each other he didn't survive the second one he was only 62.

Jimbob77

I will break it off.

Her behaviour is not acceptable

Ham Grenade

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251740/partner-has-temper-smashed-up-property

Have you explored BDSM with her as Domme and you as sub/slave? Such scenes may allow her blow off steam

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Edit - warning given for breach of charter

Ave Sodalis

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119250991#Comment_119250991

Just for anyone reading this in future: Dom(me)s should be calm and controlled at all times. Someone who cannot control their temper have no place being in a position of trust and power. Boundaries and limited are extremely important in BDSM, and if she can't follow regular boundaries in normal life, there is no way she should be allowed near a person in a vulnerable position.

OP, you say you will break it off and that is absolutely the correct thing to do. However, it might be worth exploring why you felt someone smashing things and exhibiting unstable behaviour was justifiable to you at all, and how you might be able to recognise it in future.

You say she has a lot of good qualities, and she probably does. The thing is, most people are not all bad and evil. Even in the worst of DV situations, there are good qualities to a person. It's important to know that the good doesn't justify that level of bad.