Partner has temper/Smashed up property

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119248765#Comment_119248765

I had a similar experience and that’s exactly what you don’t do :)

“I’m finnnnnne”

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251547#Comment_119251547

You mean don't even try to discuss it, just go?

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251528#Comment_119251528

...those with such disorders ultimately need a lot of love, compassion, understanding, and simply just support, to get them to a healthier place, but this generally cannot be done without professional guidance

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251471#Comment_119251471

Jim Bob, why raise it here when you're making every excuse to just drift along with her behaviour anyway? Housing crisis be damned; her only redeeming quality seems to be that she puts a roof over your head.

Galwayguy35

Run and forget about her, if the sexes were reversed and it wa a man smashing stuff up thats what you would be told, this is no different.

The next vase might be smashed over your head.

Jequ0n

Can I ask whose idea it was that you move in with her?

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251635#Comment_119251635

Both our idea

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251631#Comment_119251631

Yes I think if a man smashed a vase against a wall in a temper then the Guards would have him in the cells for the night and criminal charges would follow.

There were only 2 incidents. One was the vase and the other was a TV remote she smashed up. She has never hit me

steady on, no man is going to a cell for smashing a vase.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251685#Comment_119251685

You say "she has never hit me" like it's something worth pointing out. Newsflash, dude, the vast, vast, vast majority of people have never hit or been hit by a partner because violence in a relationship - no matter where it's directed - IS NOT THE NORM.

You seem weirdly distanced from this whole issue and focused on entirely the wrong things. 'She's never hit me" is not a reason to stay, it should be an absolutely fundamental assumption in ANY relationship.

May I ask what your previous relationship history has been like? Because you seem almost comically unbothered by the fact that your partner is violent, unreasonable and overreactive. You also seem to have some boundary issues yourself, but that doesn't excuse any of her behaviour.

cap.in.hand.

Is it something you said or did that always leads to her temper tantrums or random outbursts caused by herself

sandbelter

Okay Jimbob,

I actually have worked on a Domestic Violence (DV) line for a while and only stopped recently.

So, I'm not qualified to give you advice, this merely my personal experience and insight.

I am glad to hear you have made the decision to leave. It's an excellent decision, you deserve the best in your life.

But, it's very important that when you leave you DON'T GO BACK.

If she lashes out and tells you to F**k OFF! be grateful, you're actually lucky if she does this.

I've noted that you're fond of her, you've found this decision hard, and reading between the line you'd like her to "be the person I first met". These are entirely natural, but reading your comments I'm concerned that you may be vulnerable to trying it again and to going back to see if it works a second time because "they have promised they would change".

Let me put it to you bluntly, the very worst domestic violence cases I dealt with were all cases where one of the victim of the abuse had left, the instigator of the abuse has pleaded for them to return, the victim does return ignoring their Family | Friends | Colleagues.

The next step (and it is a step don't be fooled) is the instigator will behave admirably for 6mths to 12mths, enough time for you to say "She has changed, I told you so". Then separated from Family | Friends | Colleagues, the really horrific abuse starts.

There's only three ways out from here: a prison cell, an ambulance, or a mortuary van. I'm my time, I've never seen any other outcomes when they've gone back.

Also be aware, extreme violence towards men by women is nothing like what you've seen to date.

A woman would say to me "if I go into that house he will kill me", a man would say to me "my wife has tried to kill me and the matter is now sub judice". Women always in the present tense, men always in the past tense.

Finally, In all my time working on a DV line, Men never see it coming.

I wish you the best going forward, and don't listen to that voice that says "maybe she'll change".

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251685#Comment_119251685

ONLY two incidents. Never hit you - yet! You're at it again: Looking for any excuse to understate it, yet you're the one who raised it here in the first place.

Jequ0n

Personally I don’t see her actions as domestic violence or abuse but rather as a person who is unable to control their emotions and outbursts. Maybe she is abusive, we can hardly be certain based on your posts.

It sounds exhausting and you will probably get worn down quickly at which point you might start to adjusts your behaviour to avoid these confrontations. That’s when your problem properly starts.

I asked whose idea the move in was and your response was avoidant. That’s fine, but I had asked for a reason. It is much easier to control a partner if they move in with you because they are then in your grasp.

One thing is certain: since you are living in her place she has the upper hand and you are fully aware of this. If you are content with this then you are free to stay. If you want to leave then look for alternative living arrangements and leave. Make sure not to get caught (browser history etc) because she will not react well if she finds out about it.

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251701#Comment_119251701

I think if a man did that, he would be arrested

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251895#Comment_119251895

You think wrong. There is no law against abuse to an inanimate object. You could be done for criminal damage, but only if the vase was hers and if it had a certain value. Even in that scenario, it’d want to be museum quality before you’d be dragged off to a cell. Even then I would think you’d have to admit it. If you said it was an accident they’d not take you away that night . Again, perspective.

cap.in.hand.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251895#Comment_119251895

It would to have to reported to police if he were to be arrested...you could report this incident also to police and see what happens

Jimbob77

Ok but it is still wrong and demonstrates an inability to control her temper

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251958#Comment_119251958

Can you move in with family or friends for the mean time?

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251983#Comment_119251983

Not really an option. But I suppose that is not really the issue I posted about. I posted about her behaviour

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251958#Comment_119251958

Nobody denying that. Your instinct is correct, this is not a person I’d like to be around given the context you have given.

Jimbob77

Thank everyone. I won't discuss it further. Time to move on

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251999#Comment_119251999

Well you said you'd end it but then said you're hesitant to walk away partly because having to move out during the middle of a housing crisis may be difficult, so I was just trying to be helpful, apologies

Something tells me this story is fabricated.

It's clear as day you shouldn't be near this woman. If you are having doubts you probably have issues yourself? But then you mentioned the housing crisis, so there's a possibility you may be willing to put up with a voilent relationship for a roof over your head. Hmmm

I almost hope you're taking the piss tbh.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119251999#Comment_119251999

To be fair Jimbob, you're living with her. So I would think asking about what you can do accommodation wise is an extension of that?

You're breaking up with her it seems, which sounds like a good idea, but I'd sort out accommodation first so you're making it absolute. Otherwise youre going to break up and walk out onto the street?

Jimbob77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119252139#Comment_119252139

Thanks I know yeh.

Jarhead_Tendler

Go now before she starts throwing things at you instead of the wall

Jimbob77

I have one final question for people. When we argue, I occasionally say I am going to go and stay in my parents for a night to get away from the hassle.

She says this is me punishing her. She uses the word 'punishing'. I see it as me just getting a break from hassle.

What do people think?

Jimbob77

Also what do people think about the many times she has shouted and sworn at me in the phone and then hung up and afterwards she tries to justify it by saying I made her do it?

What do people think?

Sardonicat

This person thinks she is manipulative, volatile and violent and is not fit to be in a relationship. For your emotional and physical well being you need to get her out of your life.