Dating a super uncommunicative guy – is all this a bad sign?

The Young Wan

First date for me after a LTR break up last year. We met on Hinge, had a date Sunday afternoon. It went well.

The whole time though he's been really bad at texting, communicating, etc. He did say on Sunday "a lot of the time I just have my phone away, or there but don't pay attention to it." I haven't heard from him at all since yesterday afternoon.

I asked if he wanted to see each other tonight, but yesterday when he was coming home from work sick he said he didn't know about today, "but maybe later in the week if I'm feeling better?"

I said to him "hope you're feeling better soon. I'd like to see you again." And there's been silence since. There's also been no hints at whether he just wanted casual or wanted to see if there was something more possible.

Maybe I am asking too much, maybe Disney/romance novels have put my expectations too high, but am I asking too much to be texted/woo'ed/chased now and then? In my head, "if they wanted to, they would" is screaming at me.

Am I expecting too much in even these early stages?

squigglestrebor

I think expecting an effort at the start is fair enough to be honest , although the date was only Sunday and hes said hes sick so give him a bit of room. Id cut losses pretty quick if theres no effort shown by end of the week and id obviously keep exploring other options on hinge.

sameoldname

It's probably best just to say you have different expectations when it comes down to it. If he's not bothered now, chances are he won't be bothered further into the relationship so you can either choose to accept that and continue or write the whole relationship off as a lack of compatibility. But if it's bothering you already it might just be best to move on.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040363#Comment_119040363

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040377#Comment_119040377

Thanks both of you.

JeffKenna

hope you're feeling better soon. I'd like to see you again

Think you need to look at your own communication here a bit. Sending a text like that doesn't leave much scope for him to respond. If he's sick did you ask him how bad he is? What is actually wrong? Make some conversation.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040398#Comment_119040398

He'd already told me what was up. It was a two day hangover and he was going home from work over it.

Before this I'd made conversation. Asked "other than that, how did work go today?" which didn't get a response. As in, that was the message immediately preceeding the last one I sent.

JustJoe7240

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040398#Comment_119040398

I'd consider that pretty invasive considering they've only had one date.

Jequ0n

Sorry but it doesn’t sound like he is into you.

Fred Astaire

I would be similar to this guy in terms of phone use - I have no social media, I rarely text people and if I'm ever added to a Whatsapp group I mute it almost immediately. I'll often go out for a walk or whatever and leave my phone at home. Sometimes I don't want to be contactable. Some people are just like that.

I also hate having long conversations over text because when I see a person I feel we won't end up having much to talk about.

However, if that doesn't work for you, that is fine - there isn't any issue in wanting somebody to be more communicative. You can either say it to him, or find someone else. No point playing games or guessing this early on.

This style is not really conducive to dating or relationships though - if he thinks he can behave exactly as he is used to in the dating world, he can't - he will need to at least compromise somewhat.

It does sound though like you are doing a lot of the legwork here, and even for a non-texter I would make an effort to participate a bit more because a romantic relationship is not the same as the other relationships this guy will have going on.

Probably some truth in your "if they wanted to, they would" line. My advice would be to pursue other options for now, if this guy ends up trying to arrange something again, just make things clear that you understand he isn't a texter, but at the very least in the early stages you would expect more communication - if only from a respect point of view, it isn't kind to leave you on read after you saying something like "I'd like to see you again". If that doesn't happen then walk away.

bottlebrush

I think for the moment just take him at his word that the reason he doesn't text frequently is that he actually has put his phone away, doesn't pay attention to it and that he actually is sick.

You have told him you would like to see him again. He replied maybe later in the week if he's feeling better. The ball is in his court now to contact you if or when he's feeling better. You've only been on one date, so in the meantime, no need to look for regular updates as to how his health is.

None of us here knows if his communication style reflects his interest in you or not. If he's interested he will contact you for another date when he's feeling better.

Strumms

If you are ill, hungover, unless you’ve had a stroke are still of the ability to be contact with people using a phone….

I’ve a minor head cold last two days but it’s not stopping me using boards, whatsapp etc…

if somebody sends you a message it’s manners to reply.

so I wouldn’t be going ape over trying to get something going.

JeffKenna

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040422#Comment_119040422

Just move on then if that's the case.

AlanG

If yo met up on Sunday and he was in touch with you on Monday, the you are on boards first thing Tuesday morning saying he is not communicating.

He sounds like a perfectly normal person who is not obsessed with "likes" and txt. if you want to talk with him then give him a ring, he told you he is not into watching the phone all the time so why use an impersonal communications tool he has said he is not into. He could be a great guy if he focuses on what is going on in front of him. Would you prefer someone who was checking instagram and whatsapp all the time you are with him.

Most good relationships build up over time.

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040667#Comment_119040667

Sorry, but I'm not getting what you mean by the first bit?

osarusan

Tbf maybe he went straight to bed feeling like crap, and is just back at work today.

Don't give up on him yet, so there's no need to message him with something about having different expectations or whatever. Worst case scenario is he doesn't rely at all and it goes cold, and then you can send the message, if you feel the need.

Best case scenario is he replies looking to meet again. Don't do anything to make that less likely/impossible for him.

ShamanRing

You want to be woo’d and chased. Sorry this is 2022. Chivalry has been driven off, women need to chase too in some instances. What’s striking is that this issue has cropped up on boards multiple times. I’d almost say that as a man, if you want to get a woman’s attention, give her very little of yours.

Hannibal_Smith

I would have taken your text exchange to mean - talk to you later in the week - and wouldn't expect to hear anything until then. That of course would depend on whether you've been in touch frequently every single day since you met and all the texting has suddenly cooled off since Sunday?

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040956#Comment_119040956

It's been patchy throughout the whole week since we matched on Tuesday. He did say he'd been busy the week last week. So somewhat consistent.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040962#Comment_119040962

If it's consistent then just be patient and see how it works out. Don't hedge all your bets on this, it's still very early days so don't let yourself get too invested. See what happens by the end of the week.

Idle Passerby

The two day hangover and him going home sick from work over it would have me thinking he wasn't worth chasing. Maybe I would have been ok with that in my early 20s?

I don't think he's interested though. One date and he's blowing you off. I'd say he's not up for a second and doesn't want to outright say it.

Goodigal

To be honest, the 2 day hangover would have me running for the hills but that's cos I am old and cynical!

You only matched last Tues and got to meet by Sunday, so that is a good sign that you hit it off on texting alone. But if he says he's not into using his phone much, and you'd like to hear from him more, that's a mismatch already. It's nice to be on the same wave length with new people and have a catch up in the evening and a little bit of chat. But as others say, it's very early days so see how things work out.

Keep browsing on the apps, don't think you have to hold off to see if he feels a bit better and wants to see you again. Good luck!

The Young Wan

UPDATE: given the reactions and advice here, I've decided to delete the message thread (didn't have their number saved.) Like the film says, "he's just not that into you."

Thelonious Monk

Yes sometimes I would go on a date and it was kind of an ok time and might even kiss them or whatever but afterwards I'd just sort of send as minimum messages as possible until it kind of fizzled out, spineless behaviour. After a while though when I had one of those dates and knew I wasn't into it really I'd just respond with "Hey had a great time but I'm just not really feeling it, best of luck with everything" type message.

So he's probably just hoping the texting stops as he can't be arsed.

YellowLead

Edit: oops just saw your update OP and don’t know how to delete a comment. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d be seeing red flags at him skipping off work because of a hangover. But each to their own.

Very early days for it to be seen as iffy regarding the lack of communication. I’d be more alarmed if you had been dating weeks then it dropped off.

Hes said right from the start he’s not a phone person - if communication between dates is important for you this might not work - it depends how good the spending time with him goes when you actually meet in person. A bit of patience and see how it pans out.

The Young Wan

I don't know, was I just expecting too much?

He did say a bad texter but I didn't expect that bad

Esse85

Was he bad at communication while ye made the decision to meet up and go on the date? Was that smooth or has there been friction from the start?

The Young Wan

From the start, really.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119040422#Comment_119040422

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!!

I wouldn’t bother wasting your time. I’ve had many friends over the years who go like this. Go wild at the weekend, ashamed of themselves and refuse to even look at their phone for days. It’s a pathetic existence.

Purple Mountain

You had met him on Sunday and you started a thread on boards about "dating" him 2 days later.

Any chance you scared him off?

If I thought a guy I had only met once was on a website looking for advice on me as a potential partner, I'd be blocking him and deleting him immediately for the drama.

Tork

The ignoring his phone is a bit of a red flag to me. I can understand why texting isn't everyone's bag but there's nothing more frustrating than someone who just sticks their phone on silent and doesn't bother to even look at it. I'm not somebody who expects people to reply back quickly to a text - or to even reply at times - but it'd drive me mad if I was trying to contact them about something important and couldn't get through. There's a difference between not tying yourself to your phone and relegating everyone to the "You're not important" basket. That two day hangover is another red flag in my book too. What age is this fella?

The Young Wan

He's 32

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119042627#Comment_119042627

I don't know. But feel free to find him and ask.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119042662#Comment_119042662

You’ve dodged a bullet.

Tork

32 and still drinking so much he has a 2 day hangover and seemingly has to leave work feeling sick. Not my cup of tea.

California Dreamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119042662#Comment_119042662

The big red flag for me was the 2 day hangover! Do you want that 1,2,5 years down the road when hes out with the lads? Not opposed to anyone going for a session but come on! Its definitely not you, its all him and you can do farrrrrrr better than this guy!

The Young Wan

I don't know but it feels like some of it was me, coming on too strong, saying twice that I wanted to see him again.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119042723#Comment_119042723

For most people that would be an ego boost. If he got scared off by you just sending these messages you know that this will be trouble all throughout. Don’t waste your time and effort on someone who gives you nothing in return.

Dial Hard

Going by your previous threads, I would say you have a history of overthinking things, OP, but that doesn't negate the fact that you've dodged a bullet here by all accounts.

Maybe a little introspection on why you get *so* invested and analyse every tiny interaction to the degree you do might not be a bad idea before you meet anyone else?

Tork

Sometimes people mistake scaring someone off with their gut telling them the other person isn't interested. One date would be too soon for that though. If the roles had been reversed and he had said he wanted to see you again, how would you have felt?

The Young Wan

I would have been up to it, to be honest. And he had said on the date he would be keen to.

> Sometimes people mistake scaring someone off with their gut telling them the other person isn't interested.

So which do you think it was? My gut, or he's out?

Idle Passerby

Is it possible your only so into him (a person you only met once and first made contact with a few days ago i.e. a total stranger) because you sensed he wasn't interested and it put you into chase mode?

He's not interested in my estimation but why are you? You have barely anything to base an interest in him on and when he's not keen so soon shouldn't that be a turn off in itself? Not to mention he's a 32 year old who goes home from work with a two day hangover. That would be an instant dismissal for most people.

squigglestrebor

Just on the posters saying red flag on 2 day hangover, it could actually be the opposite , ive a few pals that drink very infrequently and are terrible drinkers volume wise and are the ones that would get a 2 day hangover once or twice a year though. Seasoned sessioners dont tend to miss work on a monday because you cant every week.

Pussyhands

OP, you are a woman who has made it clear you're interested. If he is interested he'll make an effort to contact you and initiate conversation as you have already tried.

IMO, from your perspective, there's no thinking that needs to be done. Forget about him for now and if he is true to his word that he never looks at his phone or is busy or is sick, then he'll text you and you can continue on as normal and go on a date again and ask him in person what his story is.

I assume you're texting on whatsapp? You could often check to see if he is online on whatsapp and just leaving you unread. He could have chatting to many women and keeping conversations going each day with everyone can be tiring.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119044133#Comment_119044133

It’s not the getting of a hangover that’s the concern, it’s skipping work because of it

bitofabind

Why are you investing so much head space into a guy you met once and didn’t even know a week ago? His interest or lack of isn’t really relevant. Conducting yourself with an over investment into someone you aren’t even “dating” yet (reminder you met once) is what you need to work on. It’s a recipe for all kinds of headfcuk if you’re active on the apps.

Also, write down your list of things you need in a person and things that won’t fly. You need regular communication. This person is crap at that. Incompatibility Number One. Two Day hangover and days off work to recover, may be a one-time thing but spidey senses should be up. This is a person that should be low on your priorities list unless he does a sudden u-turn and proves otherwise.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058245213/dating-a-super-uncommunicative-guy-is-all-this-a-bad-sign

He's married or otherwise engaged...don't have my phone with me or never look at it usually means what I'm actually doing is hiding it from my other half or am not free to answer.

squigglestrebor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119044174#Comment_119044174

As i say , if hes skipped work because of a hangover its more likely that its a rare occurence. Obviously if its not a rare occurence hes a waster and run a mile haha.

siblers

It's only been one date. If he was interested, he'd have texted you. Having a hangover doesn't stop someone from sending a text messag or two

No point wasting any more time on him.

Katgurl

Why did you tell him twice you wanted to see him again? Why are you so keen to see him again? Has he impressed you particularly?

I would guess no given how you've described. So that suggests you're desperate to see him again because you're well... Desperate to see someone (anyone) again.

Dating and life is supposed to be fun. Get busy with your own stuff. If someone asks to see you and they look like they might be good company then make the arrangement and forget about them till you see them.

There is nothing more off-putting than a person waiting for you to come along and fix their life.

The Young Wan

Genuine question but what do I do if this guy reappears? Address it? Ignore?

Katgurl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119045961#Comment_119045961

Neither.

If he messages and suggests doing something that sounds appealing and is convenient then go.

Certainly do not 'address it'. Address what? You're not together. Get on with your own life. He either enhances it or he doesn't.