To confront or not?

Fused Tight

Hi, I've been seeing this girl for the last 9/10 months, things generally good, we hang out, weekends away, mostly spend time at hers weekends.

Over the last 2 months i've noticed her kind of pulling away from me, she does not call or text as much, when we speak on the phone i always feel like i'm disturbing her and seems like she just wants to get off the phone. When we meet up she's distant and seems preoccupied, sex has dried up.

The other day i could not get her on the phone or text a couple of times, this was unusual for her not to reply or call back. So my gut told me to call over.

When i got there she was home and another car in her garden, i didn't knock i just turned around and left, turns out to be an old online date before me that didn't workout, looks like he spent the night as the car was still there the next day. When she did get back to me, lied about been out and busy which was not the case. I said nothing and just went along with it.

I'm physically and mentally confused and feel let down been lied to, and also the fact she is sleeping with someone else behind my back.

The dilemma i have is do i confront her about it or wait and play the game for her to slip up somewhere along the way. Cant say i was checking up on her.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you just finish with her? You're not happy. She is preoccupied. Just end it.

You can tell her you know/suspect she's cheating - but surely the end result will be the same. The relationship is done. So skip the middle bit and go straight to the end.

...Ghost...

Ask who owns the car. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Don’t argue. Just say goodbye and be glad you dodged a bigger bullet in the end.

StevenToast

Walk away...cut contact immediately...

Dont even give her an explanation

NickNickleby

Its a pity she couldn't have just been honest with you and said "Sorry, this just isn't working". Of course, you'd be wondering "why? I thought it was going so well" - which is natural enough and you're then left asking what had you done wrong. And I believe that's what's driving this desire to confront her - the 'why' part.

However, don't throw your dignity out with the bath water by chasing her for explanations. But, it would be dignified to say you feel the relationship has gone its distance and you think it should end here. She might come back and say something - or not. If she says nothing, you're no worse off, rather you're better off as now you know its over.

On the other - unlikely - hand, she might offer a reason as to why she lost interest. You might get some useful personal insights out of that.

Good luck, be kind to yourself and move on.

Hannibal_Smith

The dilemma i have is do i confront her about it or wait and play the game for her to slip up somewhere along the way. Cant say i was checking up on her.

I wouldn't waste any more time on it. She's lost interest, so 'playing the game' is just kicking the can down the road. It doesn't sound like it'll be too long a road mind you because, sorry to say, it sounds like she may be preparing to break up herself.

Call it a day and move on.

dashoonage

Drop a gear and off up the road with ya lad....

rolling boh

I would just end it she has no regard for you and you will be much better off without her .

B.A._Baracus

Honestly? Break up now. You've got your answer without her officially saying things.

When we are in relationships we can sense when things are up. It's our gut. Yours is screaming alarm bells now. Then you see there was a car parked outside over night and it was some guy she dated before? ... as I say you got your answer.

Give her a call and say you saw the car you know what's up. You'll be doing it for your self respect. Pay no attention to her lies as 99.9 percent of people lie rather than tell the truth when caught out.

If the shoe was on the other foot you'd be getting a phone call sharpish from her.

Dial Hard

It's already over, just end it and walk away. I am curious, though, how did you know whose car it was?

spaceHopper

Have you agreed you are exclusive?

I've be honest, tell you tried to contact her. You drove by and saw the car so left her alone. She has no need to be telling white lies just be honest about it. and then move on. I wouldn't play games and try to catch her out.

osarusan

How did you discover it was an old online date?

gmisk

I think you need to take the hint

Fused Tight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118973541#Comment_118973541

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118973563#Comment_118973563

We discussed past relationships and experiences and she told me about this guy from POF or some other, company logo on the side of the car. Told me she ended it after 4/5 months as he was a bit of an a***hole.

Also still making plans with me for the next few weeks and holidays in June. Head melted

timmy880

Sorry to hear but this person is just stringing you along. Best for your own sanity to walk away from it. Certainly do NOT plan any holidays anyway. She has no respect for you.

JimmyVik

Mate of mine did this to his girlfriend when he caught her sleeping around.

Take her out to a fancy restaurant, somewhere really expensive. Tell her you are celebrating a promotion and a bonus you got.

Order the most expensive starters and expansive wine. And keep saying you are celebrating and keep ordering expensive stuff.

When you have just ordered desert, pretend to take a phone call from work and you have to go outside to talk to them.

Once outside just go home. Ring her on the way and say you have just been called into work urgently (part of the promotion) and can she settle up the bill and you will get her later. Then just ghost her.

She will figure out why all by herself.

It takes you from zero to hero. You will feel really good about yourself and not sh!t as she is making you feel now.

Dial Hard

Don't do any of the above, OP, just break it off with her and if she asks you why, tell her.

HeidiHeidi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118974933#Comment_118974933

Nothing heroic about lowering yourself to her level (or lower).

OP, either ask her straight out what's going on, if you think there's the slightest chance of a reasonable explanation, or just break it off.

No need for games.

kirk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118974933#Comment_118974933

Drama queen much

Reminds me of that guy that used to have a big noshup and fake a heart attack at the end

JimmyVik

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118974995#Comment_118974995

Not near as funny or as effective as the one I told though to be fair.

kirk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118975006#Comment_118975006

Being serious

Its funny and effective in a very limited way

CreadanLady

Absolutely confront. Without a doubt.

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118974755#Comment_118974755

Ignore my first comment. I thought she was just being too cowardly to dump you, but it's clear now she's playing you. Book the restaurant as suggested above. Order your main course. Leave an envelope on the table and excuse yourself to take a call. Take out your phone and block her number. When she opens the envelope, the company logo of the lad she's sleeping with will tell her all she needs to know.

YellowLead

Sounds like she was excited to see this guy again, had him over hoping it might go somewhere but he may have slept with her and moved on and so now she’s back trying to plan holidays etc with you. I wouldn’t trust her one bit ever again.

Just try and have an honest conversation with her about it but end things - if there’s a good explanation (doubtful) fair enough but you’ll have more dignity ending it now rather than her dropping you at the hint of somebody else she fancies more, and her tough luck if she ends up with nobody to go on holiday with.

El_Duderino 09

The dilemma i have is do i confront her about it or wait and play the game for her to slip up somewhere along the way. Cant say i was checking up on her.

Why would you wait for her to slip up? What happens when she slips up? Do you win or will it be less painful of what?

If you're going to end it, just end it. If she's cheating on you, and you've made your decision to end it then do it and don't turn it into a game. I can't imagine how unpleasant it would be, spending time with her, waiting for her to slip up so you can catch her out and then end it.

El_Duderino 09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118973561#Comment_118973561

This is obviously the best way to handle it. It's straight forward, honest and without drama. Might not rack up as many thanks as a dramatic scheme to get revenge, but it's the best way to face the situation, dump her, and move on

JimmyVik

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118975453#Comment_118975453

Love it :)

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118973561#Comment_118973561

This 👆️

I understand why you feel the need for a gotcha moment but you're not in a scripted Netflix drama. This is real life and it's unlikely that your big moment will pan out the way you'd like it to. Also, cheaters rarely confess to everything they've done so you won't get any good answers. She'll minimise things, lie to your face or turn on you for snooping.

It's up to yourself how you end this but don't try to be clever. If you want to go further than a simple "this isn't working out" conversation, what Spacehopper outlined above is the way to go.

foxsake

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118975398#Comment_118975398

the OP could confront and win the moral high ground and he will be smug at it being her fault. but why waste his time?

OP shouldn't bother with her and move on.

if she is arranging things for them sure tell her he is ending it cos....

but imo no need to seek out the confrontation- it just keeps you in a circle of unnecessary draining drama of back and forth

I find people wanting the big closure are never satisfied with what they get - cos the satisfaction they think they want doesn't exist.

...Ghost...

Yeah, the posts above suggesting to just walk away and say nothing are very civilised suggestions. However, you've been sharing this girl without knowing until now. She could be sticking a few logos on her bed post for all you know. No need to confront her, but letting her off with zero consequence sends the wrong signals. She needs to have that moment of knowing she's been a selfish, cheating rat and that has a cost. 2 steak dinners and a salad.

Side note if you've been unsafe in the bedroom, get checked out. She could be riddled.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118979712#Comment_118979712

'civilised suggestions' are exactly the standard of suggestions expected in the forum to be fair.

OP I'm not sure who you should be worried about sending signals to, but all you have to do is preserve your own dignity. I wouldn't hold on and wait for her to slip up, or play any games. Just call it a day and move on.

Fused Tight

Quick update - Car there again today while her kids are at school. Rang while i was there no answer, couldnt pluck up the courage to knock, so just left. Not wasting anymore headspace on this.

Thats it i suppose, time to call it a day. Heartbroken, really loved this girl and thought we might have had a future together.

Thanks for the replies

YellowLead

Sorry to hear that OP but you are doing the right thing.

We all encounter somebody who treats us badly somewhere along the way - put it behind you and know there are many nice girls out there for when you are ready.

And there was no red flags at all before this, she seemed committed?

dinneenp

Jesus, I'm amazed and surprised with many of the suggestions here!

Maybe she's confused, not sure if she wants to be fully with the ex or not. It's obviously exciting at the beginning, but after time she might remember why they split. You never know what's going on in somebody's life or mind.

Not 100% sure when she last spoke/answered your call, if it's weeks, then good luck. But if not, see her face-to-face, say what you know and that it looks like ye're finished. Presuming it's the end, I'm guessing you'll feel better X months down the line, rather than wondering 'what if'.

thiagos

Id block all her details. Complete ghost level it. Why not, leave her wondering why sure.

J Mysterio

I dont understand why you walked away initially once you saw the car there - that was the moment to confront her. Equally the second time - again! - confront her for gods sake.

Henry Ford III

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118983146#Comment_118983146

That's tough to take, but I don't understand why you are skulking around like that and won't just confront her.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118983893#Comment_118983893

What is the point? The confrontation is great for trash reality TV shows however in real life it is an unpredictable mess of an experience that no one gains anything from.

NSAman

NEXT!…

if she can’t be bothered answering calls. If she can’t show interest,, GLAFY!

get someone who does. Life is too short for games.

StringerBell

As tempted as you might be to revisit this topic, or try to convince yourself there may be some crack of hope - just don't do it. Making the decision to walk away from the mess is the best thing you can do, you have done that so stick to it.

Happens to everyone at some point, or at least most people anyway! It may not seem like it now but you've actually had a lucky escape in this and not wasted more of your time. Be good to yourself and best of luck

Fused Tight

Hi all, opinions appreciated.

Have been seeing my girlfriend for about 5 years, we have had our ups and downs like all relationships, but generally good. About 2 months ago i got the feeling she was pulling away from me, we would always talk and text each other everyday, to see how each others day is going etc etc. But these have started to become less and less more often. We would make arrangements and she would cancel. I put this all down to some health and family issues that are on going, so i was kind of giving the space she needed to deal with these.

Now i'm not so sure, i think she may be seeing someone else, the usual stuff cant get her on the phone, doesn't reply to texts for ages, when we do talk there's no real substance to the conversation. I know she been going out, but its with friends she says ( i have my doubts). i know these friends haven't been out with her because their social media says they were elsewhere, also not getting home till 7/8 in the morning, then lying about where she was or who she was with.

So the question is, when confronted she says it has been over these last few months, but we have never sat down and had that conversation, why not just tell me me she is seeing someone else instead of constantly lying about it, is she just trying to string me along just in case things don't work out and i'm the fallback guy, would this be classed as a rebound?

o1s1n

Sorry to hear about your situation, that's really awful.

If she's saying it's 'been over months' I'd just call it a day and break up. Don't let her string you along wondering if there's someone else/something is wrong with you etc. Life is too short and all that.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251139/is-it-over

The behaviour is consistent with her seeing someone else, but you simply don't know. And here's the thing, if someone is actually playing things that way, they'll likely never tell you. People are only able to do that by rationalising and trying to make themselves good about their behaviour, and you're a living breathing barrier to them feeling good about their sh*tty behaviour.

But, you'll never know for sure.

The kindest thing that can be said is that she's doing her best to ghost you. You don't deserve that after 5 years, and it's a reflection on her.

Pull the plug, sort out any financial entanglements, delete her from social media and try to move on.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251139/is-it-over

Speaking from experience it happened to me in a relationship. The signs were all there and after lying my other half at the time admitted to it. There are a few options,if you do end it just be prepared to get answers you might not want and if you do, then trust me the sense of relief is huge! Its also an angry time. The indicators you mentioned would worry me. My other half was going away for weekends by himself (I assumed to visit friends), he became emotionally distant. Might be time to have a chat , if you do have evidence of your partner lying, better to present the evidence and ask just ever so gently for an explanation. You can sense it though, cant you ..I did too

Princess Calla

I'm a little confused.

Have you actually asked her and her reply was "it's been over these last few months"

If that's the case then yes it is over. She has told you it's over.

If it's a case of you feel if you ask her her reply will be "it's been over these last few months" then that's different.

Some people don't like to be the one to end a relationship so they'll treat their partner awfully until the partner ends it and then they'll play the sympathy card.

After 5 years you should be able to have a proper conversation but at the same time once one person has checked out there's not a whole lot to talk about.

The fact you're suspicious and can see she's not with who she's saying she's with, I think is going to be the killer. Even if she returned back 100% to what it was before, I do think there will be a niggling doubt that "the other relationship" ended, whether there was another relationship or not.

Hannibal_Smith

OP I've merged your threads and giving you the benefit of the doubt that the time difference in the relationship is to retain extra anonymity.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm wondering why you haven't confronted her already? Your head must be melted with it. You're trying to track her every movement and wrecking your head with it.

You're not happy in the relationship and haven't been for some time...its time to move on.