How can I spice it up?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118875489#Comment_118875489

Both 29

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118874036#Comment_118874036

Which is why people are suggesting keeping it light at the start and merely making suggestions. If he's not into it, he's not into it - fair enough - but one party being happy and content and the other bored and wanting to spice things up afyet a year, is not going to work out in the long run.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118875872#Comment_118875872

Then I'd run, not walk. If you've tried speaking to him and met a brick wall, you've done you're bit tbh

cuttingtimber22

As others have said, the reality is that you and him are not compatible in the bedroom department and may not ever be. Question then is whether the other stuff means you can live with it? Or whether this will drag the other stuff down?

You probably also need to decide what you want in any new spiced up relationship and make sure that it is there from the start.

foxsake

OP- you need to have that sit down conversation but please don't do it around sex time in the bed room - it will only add to the pressure on him and he may not open up. do it at a normal time in a neutral setting like the kitchen or the car

There is a strong possibility that he may just not want what you want but at least you will know that and act accordingly .

oceanman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870621#Comment_118870621

i was not in any way trying to suggest you were obsessed, sorry if it came across that way, but you do seem to have a higher sex drive than your partner which is fine but i dosent mean that there is anything wrong with your partner, sex is a very personal thing, some people like it all the time while others a happy to just have sex occasionally. the thing is you are not going to convince him to change his attitude towards sex, no more than he would be able to change your attitude. so you really have to decide if you want to carry on as things are or find a new partner, if you do decide on a change of partner it might be a good idea to spell out what your expectations in the bedroom are, might save you both a lot of frustration down the road. anyway good luck whatever you decide.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118878594#Comment_118878594

How do I start off the conversation?

Sorry to come across as dim here but anytime I’ve tried to have serious conversations with him, he keeps the wall up, I come away none the wiser about the issue at hand (whether it’s sex or something else serious), I never get deeper with him- he often repeats the same answers, grasps at straws or gets very upset when I’ve a valid reason to be annoyed with his behaviour and actions so the conversation just stops and issues remain unresolved for me anyway.

Jequ0n

Why would he change his tactic? It works for him and you drop the topic again. It won’t change unless he knows that there are consequences if things don’t change. But you don’t sound like you are even considering consequences, so it’s unlikely anything will change.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870431#Comment_118870431

It doesn’t bother me if he’s vanilla. I’m not into BDSM and I don’t want to swing from the chandeliers.

Its not that. It’s more about him being present in the moment and wanting/desiring me. And letting me know that he wants me.

Tork

You said earlier in the thread "I have tried putting the moves on him in the car or outdoors and he gets awkward or looks confused as if I have ten heads or we just stop. I’ve tried being suggestive through text and have sent a suggestive pic and I get “nice” back." For this guy, hanky panky outside the bedroom could be a step too far for him.

We can all guess until the cows come as to what is going on with this guy. The reasons range from the extremes of him being sexually abused as a child to him just not giving a damn about you. If you can't have a conversation with him about this, you're wasting your time trying to spice things up or trying to "get him started". And as Jequ0n said, if there are no consequences for him, there is no reason for him to change. Are you sure this relationship is as good as you say it is?

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882109#Comment_118882109

Maybe it's not so much a conversation you're going to have, as you making a number of things crystal clear to him about your sex life not being satisfying and you also being unhappy about his lack of signs of attraction to you.

Even if he does not respond, or the wall goes up, and it doesn't turn into a conversation, you can at least be sure that he is in no doubt now about how you feel.

But before that conversation, I think you can think things over yourself in terms of whether this is something you are prepared to end a relationship over. I mean, is the lack of attraction and sex something that will cause the relationship to end anyway? If so, you have nothing to lose. If, on the other hand, you'd prefer to stay in the relationship even with the lack of attraction and sex, then think about the possibility that making things crystal clear in the way I've mentioned above might make him feel he has no other option than to end things.

California Dreamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882109#Comment_118882109

Is this your future? Marraige, kids, all that stuff?

Do you get to 50 and be resentful and have an affair?

Looking at all this, and not just the sex but its the deeper stuff I would be wary of.

Time to look hard at your relationship and be prepared to cut ties.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882809#Comment_118882809

I love him and yes I do see those things with him but he’s making it hard right now if that makes sense? But I can see it.

I didn’t come here for break up advice tbh.

I came here to ask for some advice or similar experiences and if you can improve things.

We do have chemistry and yes we were tearing each others clothes off but things have gotten “comfortable”

California Dreamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882845#Comment_118882845

Ah sorry it WAS like that in the past. Sorry I must have missed that. I thought he was always middle lane of the M50 kind of guy!

Sharon_B

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882845#Comment_118882845

I replied to you earlier also. Mine was the same, first 9 months he was as hot for action as you would want, we had a great sex life - not particularly kinky, just engaged, loving, reciprocation, initiation. mutual desire etc. etc.. Then on the 9 month mark, it started to slide and kept sliding until we are where we are.

He had the "new relationship" desire spike and then when settled in he reverted to what is his "normal". As all people do, which is fine but when it's so far apart and you didn't see it coming it can be very confusing, so you go looking for explanations, fixes, researching herbs, creams, diet changes, looking for others in your situation on chat boards.

I had thousands up on thousands of conversations on various chat boards on the internet for 7 years after that, desperately trying to figure it out. The overriding conclusion and feeling from those people was while there is a chance of a woman changing, there is no chance of a man changing. And no-one, not even those men who had lost their drive, felt or had experienced any differently.

I had deep conversations with him (eventually, you may manage to get your man to do so too), but nothing changed, as he can't change from what he is and if he doesn't have the will to. Promises where made of course, and very very short episodes of change occurred but were not long lasting, like perhaps a week at best. Though he did have a epiphany moment it seems, about a year ago. At that point I was over it so wasn't really engaging back in the way I used to, not saying it was bad, we had some great sex again, but I'd no trust it would last so didn't want to put too much in and become hopeful and get those horrible emotions churning again. That lasted about 2 weeks before he reverted, which is part my fault too as I didn't react in the way I did in the beginning.

We had discussions about it when we first got together, I told him how important a good sex life in a relationship was to me, he agreed, said it was to him too, so very important - that was at the point that he was still in the new relationship phase and had clearly forgotten about what his actual sex drive was like, bless 😂

Looking back I see now there where red flags, but we were enjoying it all so much I didn't take notice, I would now and I can see yours as clearly as if I was back there now.

Someone mentioned above about consequences for his actions, well if there are none then he has no reason to change, you're still there.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882109#Comment_118882109

Well I think honesty is a good tack. Simply start by saying there are somethings that you're not happy with and it's making you concerned for the relationship. Pick a good moment, like not when he's watching the match or you're about to head out for dinner.

As regards the actual communication, there are a few things you can do here. First of all it should be focused around your needs and feelings - plenty of "I" statements ("I need more intimacy/passion/reciprocation") rather than "you" statements ("You always fall asleep when I'm just getting going"). That way it addresses the real problems and stops him getting defensive.

Ask him open ended questions and switch up the way you phrase things to try and get through the wall - Rather than "would you like to spice things up" Ask "What would a really passionate sex life look like to you"

That said there are a couple of things you need to realise - there's a strong chance this is just who he is and you need to decide if that is someone you want to live your life with. We can't change others, but we can help them if they want to change themselves.

And the other is to be aware of the sunk cost fallacy - "I've invested too much time/love/energy into this relationship so it must be worth saving". His unwillingness to communicate is a bigger red flag than the rest of it to my eyes.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118882109#Comment_118882109

Well you have another serious issue there then if that's how he acts any time you try to address anything with him. His behaviour is part of the stonewalling family for sure, whether it's intentional or not, he just wants to avoid all awkward conversations and conflict and basically just make you stop talking about whatever the subject is. As you said, the issues remain unresolved. People like that are headwrecks and the relationships like that are headwrecks!!!

I think you should approach that wider issue first.

"We need to talk. I've noticed that there is a pattern where whenever I try to bring up any issues with you for the sake of our relationship, you shut me down by repeating the same answers or getting upset etc. It's frustrating, it's not fair on me and it's not healthy to do that in a relationship"

Mad_maxx

you dont sound compatible at all OP

Wombatman

He may have a low sex drive, performance issues or other difficulties that contribute to boredom in the bedroom. These issues can be difficult to fix but are not unfixable.

However he should easily be able to engage to try to improve the situation. His lack of engagement and "one word answers" in response to your appeals to look for a solution are the most concerning thing about the situation IMHO.

If you have told him this is a priority for you and he comes across like the doesn't give a sh1t then.........?

Is he very busy with work or family stuff? How much free time does he have? Does he have a good diet? Does he get much exercise? Does he sleep well ( appears to :) )? Any obvious trauma from his past might be feeding into this?

Zak Flaps

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058239879/how-can-i-spice-it-up

It's quite possible that he doesn't desire you like he used to. He might still love you but the physical attraction has faded. It has been over a year. It's perfectly natural. I used to pretend I was asleep sometimes when an (ex) girlfriend wanted sex, i still loved her but the sexual desire had gone. And if it's gone, no different positions or sexy lingerie are going to make any difference....it's still you he has to have sex with. Unfortunately, after a while, most guys would much prefer to shag someone else....someone new. Sorry for being so blunt. You should just ask him straight out.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118914238#Comment_118914238

So….. where does that leave me exactly?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118914238#Comment_118914238

Tbh, it’s more love and comfort than lust and passion these days. So I am worried.

XsApollo

KitKat you are in the position now wether you accept it or not.

You can love someone and be tortured by a desire that isn’t being met by that person, actually being in love with them makes that worse.

everybody has different libidos and attitude to sex.

some will vomit at the thought of something while other will be bouncing all over it.

he doesn’t see it’s important because it’s not important to him, find someone with the same adventure and drive as yourself and you can have an amazing sex life for many many years or accept this and stay.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118914793#Comment_118914793

It’s more than just words I feel I need… I initiate the sex. A lot! I would love to feel wanted and desired by him. As in, if he spontaneously put the moves on me and initiated. Not just me doing it all the time. It’s like he just goes along and tbh, it’s a bit of a turn off. I would like him to take the lead and initiative

osarusan

OP, since you started this thread you've had numerous posters suggest that you sit down with him and have a (frank and painful, but necessary) conversation about how you are unfulfilled and feeling undesired.

I know you said he tends to shut down when you try to have serious discussions, but have you tried to actually have this discussion yet?

This is a young relationship so it's very easy to bring up the topic of sex.

Just bring it up as you would going grocery shopping "Babe, the cupboards are bare and the milk is sour, we need to go shopping."

Tell him how much you otherwise like him but that the sex situation is a dealbreaker. He'll either keep clammed up and you can end things or he'll open up to you and you can work through whatever it is.

The world has enough people stuck in feckless marriages/relationships.

Hannibal_Smith

Thread closed pending review

@kitkat7 can you PM one of the Mod Team please.

Thanks

HS