How can I spice it up?

Hey I’m looking for some views and advice on sex with your partner.

Been with my BF for over a year. I love him but our sex drives are different. Mine is higher. When we do have sex, it’s become kinda predictable. Kissing, Oral, 2 positions if he stays hard and he goes to sleep. Whereas I would keep going. I love sex and want him but never feel like he gives me enough (physically or emotionally - compliments in the bedroom) and I don’t feel desired by him or that “hunger”/passion from him. (Hope that part makes sense) I communicate, try different positions, sexy lingerie.

I wanted to try sexting with him when we are apart to build up some anticipation and excitement but I don’t know how because I’ve sent one or two sultry pics to try and kick it off but the response was a bit flat and knocked my confidence and kinda felt embarrassed- So it put me off.

Any advice ? Thanks everyone!

Tork

Have you had any conversations with him about this? If so, how did they go?

There are a thousand and one reasons why you're having these problems but communication is key. We can only speculate as to why your sex life isn't what you'd like it to be but unless he's on board, you're at nothing.

YellowLead

As above, conversation is key. Have you two ever talked about sex??? How is the rest of the relationship? It’s hard Rob believe everything is hunky dory if you don’t feel wanted or desired. Very little you can do if there is no engagement from his side.

You will just have to be brave and discuss it, it’s not the 1950s anymore.

Best of luck!

Widdensushi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058239879/how-can-i-spice-it-up

Send on the pics and i will give a review, no seriously if he is in company when receiving pictures he might be trying to close them quickly, it's all about timing.

I find it hard to talk to him about sex in general because I only ever seem to get one word answers back and he doesn’t initiate conversations about sex himself or ask about my perspective. He doesn’t really seem interested in asking me my view of our sex life. I was hoping we could get there naturally aka increase sex, sex drive, his desire without having a serious conversation. I was hoping things would just change. Since the start, I’ve been passionate and energetic but I don’t get the same back. I wish he’d just pin me up against a wall and rip my clothes off or have sex spontaneously as we are only early days but it’s predictable - we stay over in mine or his, have sex in bed, sleep!

I feel like I’m always the one who initiates sex.

Tork

This is the sex equivalent of asking how they can let someone know they have a body odour problem. Dropping hints and saying saying "I really like X shower gel and how I smell afterwards" or "Have you tried the latest X deodorant" is not going to make one bit of difference. It's no different with this guy. Apart from your difficulties in communicating with him about sex, it looks like the pair of you have very different needs and sex drives. Sex may not be particularly important to him, or perhaps there are other issues at play. You mentioned in your first post that he doesn't stay hard for very long. This might be bothering him and it's something he fears will open the door to embarrassing trips to a doctor or a therapist of some sort.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868752#Comment_118868752

Thanks Tork.

Yes. Staying hard seems to be an issue each time and I’m not sure why. If I am being honest, I have taken it up that he isn’t finding me sexually desirable or attractive enough. I have asked him have I done anything wrong or off putting and I’m told “no”.

So that’s why I came here looking for tips to spice things up!

YellowLead

Is he physically affectionate in general outside of sex? Eg does he hold hands, put his arm around you on the couch, kiss you etc?

How does he treat you in general outside of sex, does he think of your needs, is he kind, does he listen?

I dated somebody before with getting hard/staying hard issues naturally and he just took viagra. Had a very high sex drive though and was always wanting it and talking about it etc. so I think staying hard and sex drive are two different things.

It could be the case as Tork said he’s too embarrassed about his issue to talk to you or a doctor / chemist and therefore shuts down conversations. Or it could be that he’s not attracted to you (probably less likely but a small possibility nonetheless) or he could be depressed. Either way I’d be questioning the health of the relationship and if it’s worth sticking with if he won’t talk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869178#Comment_118869178

Yes he is affectionate. Sometimes he does something stupid or insensitive (sometimes he can be clueless) and I poiint it out but other than that, we are grand!

I just want to get him going - get the passion going so that’s why I’m looking for tips on introducing sexting after being together a year.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you're missing what posters are trying to say to you. There are no hints or tricks to sexting. You've tried it already and it hasn't worked. You're trying to force something into the relationship when the glaringly obvious point is that no matter what YOU do, you have an issue with the level of intimacy your boyfriend is bringing to the relationship. Only you and your boyfriend can resolve that.

YellowLead

Okay that is good to hear he is affectionate and that the only issue is his low level of interest in sex.

Im not sure ploughing on with sexting will fix things because you did try with the racy photos and were met with a flat response. I would say the same will happen again but if you want to try, there are loads of articles out there with tips and examples, here’s one https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/dating-love/women-sexting/500263

I think it’s more likely he is pushing you away sexually because of his issue and he’s too embarrassed to talk to you or a professional about it, and I don’t think sexting will fix that. You shouldn’t need to spice things up after only a year. But I hope of course that it does work out.

Sharon_B

If I could go back to year 1 where you are now, I would and end it. Now 10 years later and having done what you are doing, all the communication, spicing and fighting has ended in a weekly Sunday morning 10 minute quicky, usually.

Daily cialis equals erections on demand, if the desire isn’t there then the erection is useless.

Now, luckily and thankfully I suppose, I’ve just lost my sex drive. But knowing that I shouldn’t have.

his sex drive is what it is, if he doesn’t want to change it there isn’t anything you can do IMO.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869390#Comment_118869390

So what you’re saying is there’s no more I can do to improve things?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869428#Comment_118869428

Yeah it’s all gotten predictable. One of us stays in the others, go to bed, kissing, oral and sex. Sleep. In my view, we are only getting started but he’s out for the count! It has been like this since the start. I have tried putting the moves on him in the car or outdoors and he gets awkward or looks confused as if I have ten heads or we just stop. I’ve tried being suggestive through text and have sent a suggestive pic and I get “nice” back. After we have sex, it’s just “nice” for him even though I make the effort!

I’m not obsessed with sex, I’m just trying to keep the excitement and want alive for as long as possible.

I want more passion from him, more spontaneity. It’s like he’s comfortable now and that’s the way things are.

YellowLead

I think you just need to talk to him. Not sext. Say that sex is really important to you and that you’d like to try some new things or be a bit more spontaneous and how does he feel about that? If he insists things are grand as they are and he has no interest in spicing anything up then you need to decide if the relationship is worth continuing knowing it will always be that way.

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869428#Comment_118869428

agree with this (did it myself) thankfully out the other side now and free.

, if it is like this now then if you go on to get very serious like marriage kids , then the frustration will only grow and turn into resentment eventually.

you won’t change his sex drive and it seems he doesn’t want to try either.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869442#Comment_118869442

Not what I'm saying at all - as per the last line of my post. You and your boyfriend need to find out what the problem is. You've tried and can continue trying all the tricks you like- but unless you know what the issue is you're going to continue being disappointed.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869486#Comment_118869486

I don’t think he thinks there’s anything wrong which makes things difficult

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

He knows well there's an issue. You've said it yourself:-

I find it hard to talk to him about sex in general because I only ever seem to get one word answers back and he doesn’t initiate conversations about sex himself or ask about my perspective. 

It needs to be addressed properly and if he can't or won't do that, to decide whether the relationship is enough for you.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

That's why you need to tell him that there is something wrong. Not hint, sit him down and explain to him in clear terms your needs and opinion about sex. And ask him about his. Maybe sex is not important to him, maybe he's addicted to porn, maybe he thinks everything is grand, maybe his ED has made sex very fraught for him. None of those are things you can solve on your own, and some of them might mean you're just incompatible.

One point also to make -

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868786#Comment_118868786

This is completely the wrong reaction. When you react that way it makes sustaining an erection even more stressful. Now when he fails to stay hard he also knows you'll see it as a criticism of you and as him saying you're not attractive. Women, generally speaking, underestimate how much the inner mental processes affects an erection.

A better approach is to completely de-emphasise it. The less of an issue losing an erection is in the bedroom, the less stress around it, and the more likely he is to find it all a positive experience.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869849#Comment_118869849

Great. That’s how I’ve been reacting when it happens. :(

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869934#Comment_118869934

It's a perfectly natural reaction, very understandable.

If it helps you it's very unlikely to be because he doesn't find you attractive. I mean you're attractive enough form him to get hard but not enough to stay hard? It doesn't really work like that. It's overwhelmingly likely that this is to do with him internally, rather than how you look, act or are as a person. Which is why nothing you do alone can change things.

I would also point out that you shouldn't let his his reaction change how you feel about your own sexuality, it's great that you know your physical relationship needs and that is generally a very attractive quality in a person.

Esse85

Do you know how often he watches porn?

Sounds like ye aren't sexually compatible and ye both want different things from a sexual point of view.

Is he fit and healthy?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870052#Comment_118870052

He hasn’t told me if he does or not. I work on my fitness and he doesn’t. But he wants to take up something new to change that!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868786#Comment_118868786

Has he a medical issue? There are quite a few reasons for erectile issues, the most unlikely if it probably bring to do with you. Does he drink a lot? This is a notorious passion killer long term. Has he been checked for diabetes? There are plenty of things that can be done to improve that situation, but guys absolutely hate to actually do something about it, due to embarrassment. Has he tried Viagra over the counter?

Re sexting, I love this myself, and I am a master at the photoshop of joining images together, so-to-speak, which goes down well 😜 and this is approached with a sense of fun and humour.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870157#Comment_118870157

No and he drinks occasionally. Nothing major.

I don’t know if he has tried viagra. Clearly not with me. In regards to the sexting and photos, I’m just trying to build anticipation and excitement before we see eachother so that we are both horny for eachother.

I want to be wanted by my BF. And I want to know it basically.

sexting, photos, I was thinking dress up, I was thinking surprise oral some day when we are out but the problem is it’s all me trying. He hasnt turned around and surprised me with oral and satisfied me or flirted with me or talked dirty to me. It’s all very routine!

It’s kinda dampening my sexual drive.

It just seems very early to become boring! How is it I’m horny for him still but I don’t get the same attention from him?

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870226#Comment_118870226

You don't really seem to be accepting the fact that you will need to discuss this with him seriously, in a way that shows him how important it is for you.

It there a reason why you're reluctant to do so?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870314#Comment_118870314

Oh no, it’s not that. I know that.

I was just hoping injecting excitement in would help improve things.

And I guess after all this time has passed, he might think it’s weird I’m talking now.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870348#Comment_118870348

Maybe. Or maybe he's been struggling deep down with something and has been waiting for you to raise it? You never know till you try.

Injecting excitement is a great idea, and you sound, frankly, like a good and interesting sexual partner. The fact that it didn't work just shows the problem doesn't lie mainly with you, so at least you've discovered that much.

FintanMcluskey

IMO passion and lust are organic. They are emotions that can not be created artificially, or with any amount of communication etc.

If you place value in sex in a relationship, you need to decide if you need to reconsider the future of the relationship as I highly doubt anything will change much.

Life's too short