How can I spice it up?

Hey I’m looking for some views and advice on sex with your partner.

Been with my BF for over a year. I love him but our sex drives are different. Mine is higher. When we do have sex, it’s become kinda predictable. Kissing, Oral, 2 positions if he stays hard and he goes to sleep. Whereas I would keep going. I love sex and want him but never feel like he gives me enough (physically or emotionally - compliments in the bedroom) and I don’t feel desired by him or that “hunger”/passion from him. (Hope that part makes sense) I communicate, try different positions, sexy lingerie.

I wanted to try sexting with him when we are apart to build up some anticipation and excitement but I don’t know how because I’ve sent one or two sultry pics to try and kick it off but the response was a bit flat and knocked my confidence and kinda felt embarrassed- So it put me off.

Any advice ? Thanks everyone!

Tork

Have you had any conversations with him about this? If so, how did they go?

There are a thousand and one reasons why you're having these problems but communication is key. We can only speculate as to why your sex life isn't what you'd like it to be but unless he's on board, you're at nothing.

YellowLead

As above, conversation is key. Have you two ever talked about sex??? How is the rest of the relationship? It’s hard Rob believe everything is hunky dory if you don’t feel wanted or desired. Very little you can do if there is no engagement from his side.

You will just have to be brave and discuss it, it’s not the 1950s anymore.

Best of luck!

Widdensushi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058239879/how-can-i-spice-it-up

Send on the pics and i will give a review, no seriously if he is in company when receiving pictures he might be trying to close them quickly, it's all about timing.

I find it hard to talk to him about sex in general because I only ever seem to get one word answers back and he doesn’t initiate conversations about sex himself or ask about my perspective. He doesn’t really seem interested in asking me my view of our sex life. I was hoping we could get there naturally aka increase sex, sex drive, his desire without having a serious conversation. I was hoping things would just change. Since the start, I’ve been passionate and energetic but I don’t get the same back. I wish he’d just pin me up against a wall and rip my clothes off or have sex spontaneously as we are only early days but it’s predictable - we stay over in mine or his, have sex in bed, sleep!

I feel like I’m always the one who initiates sex.

Tork

This is the sex equivalent of asking how they can let someone know they have a body odour problem. Dropping hints and saying saying "I really like X shower gel and how I smell afterwards" or "Have you tried the latest X deodorant" is not going to make one bit of difference. It's no different with this guy. Apart from your difficulties in communicating with him about sex, it looks like the pair of you have very different needs and sex drives. Sex may not be particularly important to him, or perhaps there are other issues at play. You mentioned in your first post that he doesn't stay hard for very long. This might be bothering him and it's something he fears will open the door to embarrassing trips to a doctor or a therapist of some sort.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868752#Comment_118868752

Thanks Tork.

Yes. Staying hard seems to be an issue each time and I’m not sure why. If I am being honest, I have taken it up that he isn’t finding me sexually desirable or attractive enough. I have asked him have I done anything wrong or off putting and I’m told “no”.

So that’s why I came here looking for tips to spice things up!

YellowLead

Is he physically affectionate in general outside of sex? Eg does he hold hands, put his arm around you on the couch, kiss you etc?

How does he treat you in general outside of sex, does he think of your needs, is he kind, does he listen?

I dated somebody before with getting hard/staying hard issues naturally and he just took viagra. Had a very high sex drive though and was always wanting it and talking about it etc. so I think staying hard and sex drive are two different things.

It could be the case as Tork said he’s too embarrassed about his issue to talk to you or a doctor / chemist and therefore shuts down conversations. Or it could be that he’s not attracted to you (probably less likely but a small possibility nonetheless) or he could be depressed. Either way I’d be questioning the health of the relationship and if it’s worth sticking with if he won’t talk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869178#Comment_118869178

Yes he is affectionate. Sometimes he does something stupid or insensitive (sometimes he can be clueless) and I poiint it out but other than that, we are grand!

I just want to get him going - get the passion going so that’s why I’m looking for tips on introducing sexting after being together a year.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you're missing what posters are trying to say to you. There are no hints or tricks to sexting. You've tried it already and it hasn't worked. You're trying to force something into the relationship when the glaringly obvious point is that no matter what YOU do, you have an issue with the level of intimacy your boyfriend is bringing to the relationship. Only you and your boyfriend can resolve that.

YellowLead

Okay that is good to hear he is affectionate and that the only issue is his low level of interest in sex.

Im not sure ploughing on with sexting will fix things because you did try with the racy photos and were met with a flat response. I would say the same will happen again but if you want to try, there are loads of articles out there with tips and examples, here’s one https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/dating-love/women-sexting/500263

I think it’s more likely he is pushing you away sexually because of his issue and he’s too embarrassed to talk to you or a professional about it, and I don’t think sexting will fix that. You shouldn’t need to spice things up after only a year. But I hope of course that it does work out.

Sharon_B

If I could go back to year 1 where you are now, I would and end it. Now 10 years later and having done what you are doing, all the communication, spicing and fighting has ended in a weekly Sunday morning 10 minute quicky, usually.

Daily cialis equals erections on demand, if the desire isn’t there then the erection is useless.

Now, luckily and thankfully I suppose, I’ve just lost my sex drive. But knowing that I shouldn’t have.

his sex drive is what it is, if he doesn’t want to change it there isn’t anything you can do IMO.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869390#Comment_118869390

So what you’re saying is there’s no more I can do to improve things?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869428#Comment_118869428

Yeah it’s all gotten predictable. One of us stays in the others, go to bed, kissing, oral and sex. Sleep. In my view, we are only getting started but he’s out for the count! It has been like this since the start. I have tried putting the moves on him in the car or outdoors and he gets awkward or looks confused as if I have ten heads or we just stop. I’ve tried being suggestive through text and have sent a suggestive pic and I get “nice” back. After we have sex, it’s just “nice” for him even though I make the effort!

I’m not obsessed with sex, I’m just trying to keep the excitement and want alive for as long as possible.

I want more passion from him, more spontaneity. It’s like he’s comfortable now and that’s the way things are.

YellowLead

I think you just need to talk to him. Not sext. Say that sex is really important to you and that you’d like to try some new things or be a bit more spontaneous and how does he feel about that? If he insists things are grand as they are and he has no interest in spicing anything up then you need to decide if the relationship is worth continuing knowing it will always be that way.

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869428#Comment_118869428

agree with this (did it myself) thankfully out the other side now and free.

, if it is like this now then if you go on to get very serious like marriage kids , then the frustration will only grow and turn into resentment eventually.

you won’t change his sex drive and it seems he doesn’t want to try either.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869442#Comment_118869442

Not what I'm saying at all - as per the last line of my post. You and your boyfriend need to find out what the problem is. You've tried and can continue trying all the tricks you like- but unless you know what the issue is you're going to continue being disappointed.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869486#Comment_118869486

I don’t think he thinks there’s anything wrong which makes things difficult

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

He knows well there's an issue. You've said it yourself:-

I find it hard to talk to him about sex in general because I only ever seem to get one word answers back and he doesn’t initiate conversations about sex himself or ask about my perspective. 

It needs to be addressed properly and if he can't or won't do that, to decide whether the relationship is enough for you.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

That's why you need to tell him that there is something wrong. Not hint, sit him down and explain to him in clear terms your needs and opinion about sex. And ask him about his. Maybe sex is not important to him, maybe he's addicted to porn, maybe he thinks everything is grand, maybe his ED has made sex very fraught for him. None of those are things you can solve on your own, and some of them might mean you're just incompatible.

One point also to make -

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868786#Comment_118868786

This is completely the wrong reaction. When you react that way it makes sustaining an erection even more stressful. Now when he fails to stay hard he also knows you'll see it as a criticism of you and as him saying you're not attractive. Women, generally speaking, underestimate how much the inner mental processes affects an erection.

A better approach is to completely de-emphasise it. The less of an issue losing an erection is in the bedroom, the less stress around it, and the more likely he is to find it all a positive experience.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869849#Comment_118869849

Great. That’s how I’ve been reacting when it happens. :(

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869934#Comment_118869934

It's a perfectly natural reaction, very understandable.

If it helps you it's very unlikely to be because he doesn't find you attractive. I mean you're attractive enough form him to get hard but not enough to stay hard? It doesn't really work like that. It's overwhelmingly likely that this is to do with him internally, rather than how you look, act or are as a person. Which is why nothing you do alone can change things.

I would also point out that you shouldn't let his his reaction change how you feel about your own sexuality, it's great that you know your physical relationship needs and that is generally a very attractive quality in a person.

Esse85

Do you know how often he watches porn?

Sounds like ye aren't sexually compatible and ye both want different things from a sexual point of view.

Is he fit and healthy?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870052#Comment_118870052

He hasn’t told me if he does or not. I work on my fitness and he doesn’t. But he wants to take up something new to change that!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118868786#Comment_118868786

Has he a medical issue? There are quite a few reasons for erectile issues, the most unlikely if it probably bring to do with you. Does he drink a lot? This is a notorious passion killer long term. Has he been checked for diabetes? There are plenty of things that can be done to improve that situation, but guys absolutely hate to actually do something about it, due to embarrassment. Has he tried Viagra over the counter?

Re sexting, I love this myself, and I am a master at the photoshop of joining images together, so-to-speak, which goes down well 😜 and this is approached with a sense of fun and humour.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870157#Comment_118870157

No and he drinks occasionally. Nothing major.

I don’t know if he has tried viagra. Clearly not with me. In regards to the sexting and photos, I’m just trying to build anticipation and excitement before we see eachother so that we are both horny for eachother.

I want to be wanted by my BF. And I want to know it basically.

sexting, photos, I was thinking dress up, I was thinking surprise oral some day when we are out but the problem is it’s all me trying. He hasnt turned around and surprised me with oral and satisfied me or flirted with me or talked dirty to me. It’s all very routine!

It’s kinda dampening my sexual drive.

It just seems very early to become boring! How is it I’m horny for him still but I don’t get the same attention from him?

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870226#Comment_118870226

You don't really seem to be accepting the fact that you will need to discuss this with him seriously, in a way that shows him how important it is for you.

It there a reason why you're reluctant to do so?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870314#Comment_118870314

Oh no, it’s not that. I know that.

I was just hoping injecting excitement in would help improve things.

And I guess after all this time has passed, he might think it’s weird I’m talking now.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870348#Comment_118870348

Maybe. Or maybe he's been struggling deep down with something and has been waiting for you to raise it? You never know till you try.

Injecting excitement is a great idea, and you sound, frankly, like a good and interesting sexual partner. The fact that it didn't work just shows the problem doesn't lie mainly with you, so at least you've discovered that much.

FintanMcluskey

IMO passion and lust are organic. They are emotions that can not be created artificially, or with any amount of communication etc.

If you place value in sex in a relationship, you need to decide if you need to reconsider the future of the relationship as I highly doubt anything will change much.

Life's too short

Pinoy adventure

Try swinging.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118869507#Comment_118869507

In the (unlikely) event that he doesn't thing there's anything wrong, there's still hope.

It's when he knows you're not happy, but still isn't inclined to change things to make it better for you, that there's no hope.

The only way to go about resolving this is to sit him down and have that serious conversation about you not feeling wanted and not feeling satisfied.

It won't be comfortable for either of you, but you need to do it to try and save a relationship that seems worth saving apart from this.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870376#Comment_118870376

I’m not trying to create emotions artificially. It doesn’t help that we both live apart, work full time, both have stressful jobs.

I understand what people are saying here but I’m also looking for advice and ideas to create excitement and bring the lust back to a relationship that may be slipping into the comfort zone sooner than I’d like.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870410#Comment_118870410

From his point of view, you are trying to create emotions artificially. We don't know what's going on with your boyfriend but if he's a vanilla, 2-minutes-in-missionary sort of person, what you're attempting won't be his bag at all. You seem to think that if you can "get him started" that you'll be at it like rabbits. I doubt this plan will work, unless there are other issues at play here.

Dial Hard

You say you're trying to bring these things back but tbh it doesn't sound like they were ever there to begin with. This is why people are telling you to just talk to the man about the issue rather than trying to skirt around it with sexts and flirty pics and surprise oral. With the best will in the world, none of those things can ever bring back something that was never there in the first place. It's like meeting an amputee and expecting them to grow back a limb if they just try hard enough.

You need to sit down together and really talk. And not before, during or after sexy time either.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870410#Comment_118870410

I’m not trying to create emotions artificially

TBH it seem like that's exactly what you are trying to do.

You are trying to figure out out to get your other half to be more intimate and interested in sex, other than once a week.

It doesn’t help that we both live apart, work full time, both have stressful jobs.

Unfortunately, there is no greater passion killer than the realities of life itself

Some would consider once a week frequent.

Ill stick to my original point, passion is organic, I don't think it can be artificially created

Esse85

I admire the OP for looking for a solution to make this work.

I think you need to find out is he spending his sexual energy elsewhere e.g. on porn and therefore doesn't make as much effort with you, or maybe he's just not that sexual a person and therefore that's where compatibility comes into play.

Tork

Do you know if this guy had previous girlfriends? If he's sexually inexperienced and has hang-ups about sex, someone adventurous would be scary.

oceanman

maybe you have an over active sex drive and he just struggles to keep up with you...just a thought.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870556#Comment_118870556

How do I find out? I can’t just roll up after more than a year and ask? Can I? It’s out of the blue as far as he’s concerned?

I would be lying if I said I didn’t suspect he was spending his sexual energy elsewhere. He’s constantly exhausted and lethargic when i comes to having sex with me.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870607#Comment_118870607

No I don’t. I’m not obsessed. I’m just fit and energetic, sexually attracted to my partner. I just expect the same effort back.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Of course you can. By that logic, you wouldn't be able to talk about *any* issue after a set amount of time. There's no statute of limitations on these things.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Could it be a general fitness / exhaustion issue? Do he do physical work, or long commutes or anything else that would explain him being just very tired and exhausted? I don't think you mentioned ages. If ye are in your 20s, you'd generally expert more physical action in all aspects of life, including sex.

Jequ0n

It sounds like sex with you doesn’t particularly excite him, so there is a chance that your sex doesn’t fulfil his needs. It could be that he is into something that he thinks will shock you or turn you off. It’s a pity that he refuses to even discuss this with you because it means he has no interest in changing anything.

A discussion on favourite porn type etc could actually be helpful in finding out what exactly turns him on. His general reluctance to discuss sex means that he will probably be guarded and not disclose anything that he obviously considers embarrassing, but you could try by sharing your own favourites first.

So in short I can think of many things/ teases that work on me, but this won’t mean it will work on your bf because you have no idea what his needs are.

Tork

OP did you post about this recently? It's all starting to sound very familiar.

Doggy, oral, anal, tween the boobs, the legs the buttocks, you on top. Oral back to front, on a chair, on the floor, against a wall, in the shower, vigorous hand job, playing with toys, dressing in whatever turns him on (maybe not your thing) Have these been explored?

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

Of course you can.

You're in this relationship now for more than a year, the lack of sex and desire is causing an issue for you.

Looking for ideas to spice it up isn't going to help. It is possible that he has some kind of fetish that he hasn't shared with you out of nerves or embarrassment and that that is why he often can't stay hard, and that if you try lots of ideas to spice it up you might find out the fetish.... but the problem with that kind of thing is that if it is a fetish he'd be hyper focused on that one thing and you more than likely wouldn't end up having a fun varied sex life anyway!

But it probably isn't that, you really just need to discuss it with him and ask him if sex is important to him, ask him if he feels desired and tell him that you don't. Discuss libido and ask if he masturbates. You have to just be honest and ask the questions that you want answers to and see where the conversation takes you.

You mentioned a few times that he might think it's weird that you bring this up now, it's not at all, couples everywhere have these conversations and at all different times in their relationship, early on, a year in, 20 years in!

You also have to be aware that often in these situations you won't get complete honesty, people with low libido or ED are sometimes embarrassed etc. so if after you feel you have a productive chat his actions aren't matching up to his words then you need to accept you're probably never going to be sexually compatible and would probably be better off ending the relationship.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118870614#Comment_118870614

If it's been more than a year, you're well within your right to make a few kinky suggestions. Encourage him to make some of is own. You might even out find that he doesn't know either, but that's where the fun starts :)

Start out with the more "traditional ones" like tying up or even new locations - it's almost summer, you're on an island with a lot of isolated countrsides open beaches....

Liberty_Bear

There are a number of ways that you could spice it up

I love role play - in which we set a scenario. Ive done doctor and patient, employer employee and other scenarios. All consensual based but I give them a few minutes to get into character. You might also dress up or hm.

There is also bondage (mild bondage) which one of you takes control, one is tied up and you agree a safe word for one of you to exit the scenario. Builds trust.

Verbal - if he is just into the two positions and is vanilla in that way, some verbal talk - from downright sleazy to adoration might help. Some like to be degraded, some like to be built up - speak with your partner on it.

Toys - vibrators, dildos, cock rings, etc can all be purchased online.

Porn - share an evening where you watch porn like a movie - popcorn and find something you mutually enjoy and let his frustration build up

These are things Ive done in the past - hope it works out

Dial Hard

I think the people falling over themselves to share how kinky they are are rather putting the cart before the horse here. Based on what the OP has old us, springing any of that on her partner is just going to cause him to withdraw even more, imo.