Husband Looking Up Ex

VickiB

So I just found out my husband has been looking up his ex girlfriends page on fb regularly (monthly) for years. It’s no big deal for either of us are to be on each other’s Facebook if you log in and the previous person is already logged in.

We are been married 20 years and have two children together. I asked him who it was I’ve never heard her name before and couldn’t get the link as they’re not friends but he’s been regularly searching her…he said she’s his ex from college.

I absolutely get your going to be curious about an ex and want to see what they’re up to however the frequency of the search’s doesn’t sit right with me…but the main thing stinging me is the day I gave birth two months ago he searched her. So he left me and our newborn in the maternity and came home and search her profile. To be honest I’m fairly heartbroken over that. I feel like there’s being curious and then there’s pining over the past and wondering what could’ve been.

my husband is an amazing dad and great guy but I’m not sure if this is something I can get past. Id prefer not to be someone that has been settled for.

opinions please..am I over reacting? (Go easy on me)

Apiarist

I will tell you a secret. Your husband is probably looking at porn too!

Seriously though, it's best not to notice some things and definitely do not go through your husband's browser history.

VickiB

Wow are serious I would never have known a man would look at porn! Yep - 100% he does that’s not a secret. An ex is different to porn. Also not searching through his history it found me first…however how I found out the information is irrelevant to my query but thanks a mil for the advice 👌🏻

Hannibal_Smith

Can you message someone on Facebook if you're not friends? I'm way out-of touch with all this social media stuff, so not sure if it's possible. I'd wonder whether they're in touch and messaging back and forth, hence the searching? Would it bother you if he was in touch with her? It doesn't mean there's anything untoward going on and he may not have told you in case it would upset you?

Sienna5050

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118830698#Comment_118830698

you can

VickiB

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118830698#Comment_118830698

You can if you have the messenger app but he doesn’t have the messenger app..like he literally just uses it to look up rugby pages really..well that’s what I thought 🙈

He said he’s never made contact was just curious..I do believe he hasn’t contacted her..not sure about the ‘just curious’…like your ‘just curious’ every month for years 🙄🙄

Most people would just have a chat with their nearest and dearest if they "just" found out about something like this. Rather than setting up a new account on boards.

But anyway, I hope everything works out for you, OP. Like, I hope it's all green in the end.

VickiB

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118830889#Comment_118830889

i suppose the thoughts of my husband thinking about his ex and our relationship possibly being a lie for 20 years has me hurt and embarrassed and doesn’t really have me running to tell people in the WhatsApp group..or maybe I don’t really have the options of nearest and dearest, great that’s been highlighted.

unsure why the fact I found out this morning or that in a first time poster looking for advice is an issue?? But look thanks for the input and the well wishes. Cheers.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118830889#Comment_118830889

there's absolutely nothing wrong with just setting up a Boards account to ask a question! What a bizarre comment!?? Many people might like objective advice and feedback from other people to get a feel if they are over reacting or if they're right to be concerned. It might be better than going all guns blazing to OP's husband and causing bigger damage. Sure isn't sharing of ideas what Boards is all about??

I think OP is right to be upset. I would be too. Its fine to look up an ex once in a blue moon but it should end at that. If its every single month for years of course it would cause worry and insecurities. AND on the day OP gave birth to their baby!??

He's up to no good.

Why would anyone be looking at their ex?

He must be cheating on you.

Dump him.

Just getting straight to the point and giving you this advice now, OP, as this is where this thread will end up, eventually.

Best of luck.

Jequ0n

“i suppose the thoughts of my husband thinking about his ex and our relationship possibly being a lie for 20 years”

That’s a pretty intense reaction which seems over the top to me, and people would go nuts if the roles were reversed.

VickiB

It probably is intense but I’m being honest about how I’m feeling at this moment. I don’t get why people would go nuts if it was the other way round tho? Sure it’s the same regardless if it was him or me.

Tork

Are you sure he has been specifically searching for her on a regular basis? I'm asking that question because when I want to visit Facebook, I usually type F into the address bar in the browser. That brings up other pages from the browser's history and not just the Facebook home page. If I don't click on the top entry that appears, I can easily end up in a group or somebody else's profile etc. There's many a time I've clicked on those unintentionally. Also, if I don't clear out the search history on Facebook, it's possible to click on a page for something I searched for ages ago.

I have been known to look up my exes on Facebook, though it's something I do once in a blue moon rather than regularly. I'm in a happy, long-term relationship and am not pining over my exes. Sometimes I look them up but it's because they came to mind for some reason and I'm being nosey. There are no emotions involved because I'm well over them. I feel the same looking them up as I would looking at the IMDB when I see an actor and wonder why I recognise their face. There is nothing to it.

Can you clarify how long he has been searching for her? I've read your posts and I'm a little confused.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118831326#Comment_118831326

You mentioned a specific date when he looked her up (day you gave birth); which means that you have been checking on his search history for a while. Then you added he had been doing this for years. Would you be ok if you were being checked on so regularly?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@[Deleted User] @[Deleted User] @Jequ0n You have all been around PI long enough to know that if you have no advice to offer the OP, please do not post.

Posters are welcome to post under a throw away account given that posting anonymously is not currently an option. If anyone has an issue with the forum, they are welcome to use the Feedback thread to discuss it. Do not do it in someone's thread as it is unfair on the OP.

Thanks

HS

CrookedJack

It's understandable that you're upset and you've begun catastrophising. But really I think you're blowing this out of proportion. You say he's a good husband and father and there are no issues otherwise, then I'd be inclined to take a deep breath and honestly analyse my feelings here.

Do you really think his part of the relationship has been a lie? Do you really think he's pinning after lost love. I can't really see that as being likely, surly if he's been doing this for years and really felt that way it would have come out some other way by now.

I periodically look up people who were very important to me at one stage but who I haven't seen for decade. I check in, see what they're doing in their lives, find it mildly interesting and then don't think about them for months. This includes exes, it's a zero effort way satisfying curiosity, nothing more.

My advice is to realise that a lot of this is coming from you internally, so that's where you need to address it.

VickiB

@Jequ0n That has Absolutely nothing to do with my question but nope definitely not regularly checking.

VickiB

@Crooked Jack thanks so much for that reply. I probably shouldn’t post on the day of the event I’m just too hurt (and little sleep from a small baba) and overthinking possibly. Thanks for the lovely words.

The benefit, and drawback of google and social media is that at a whim, you can search for information on any subject that pops into your head. I’ve searched FB for long forgotten friends and acquaintances even though they mean nothing to me now, even former girlfriends from school and college. It’s just curiosity, nothing more. I’ve often searched for people by looking up people who I know were also their friends, so I might go into the same persons page and scroll down their friends to see if I recognise people I once knew. It’s amazing sometimes to see where they are now.

I’m happily married for nearly 30 yrs, I wouldn’t necessarily tell my wife I was looking up old flames to see where they are now, and I’d never dream of asking her if she does the same. I think it’s just human nature to be curious.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118831623#Comment_118831623

AH ok, well this is even more understandable, of course you're upset and overthinking - you only found out today and you're looking after a tiny baby, I completely missed that detail. This is one of the hardest and most vulnerable times a person can live through. Vicki, honestly give yourself a break here, you're just breaking your own heart, I really think it's nothing to worry about.

Still stihl waters 3

You never forget your first love

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118831326#Comment_118831326

I think you got the pointy end of the internet here with some of the replies.

Of course it's totally normal to feel deflated to find your husband has been searching his ex. You're totally justified to feel however you feel about it.

But - he is your husband who you say has been a great husband for 20 years. He's allowed to have a past and to think about it, and it's likely that that's all this is.

As for the day you had given birth, isn't it likely that a day like that would make him think about the direction his life has taken, the progress he's made? Becoming a parent would definitely make me reflective. Not of "what could have been", but rather how far I've come. Milestones always do that to me.

It's totally understandable that you feel hurt, but I really think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

cuttingtimber22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118831578#Comment_118831578

Very well said. I periodically look people up from the past. No interest in following up but just curious.

When people are especially anxious about something (eg their spouse giving birth!) some cope by distracting with something completely “opposite” eg satisfying curiosity over ex. We are all driven by ego, and whatever happens concerning an ex would be last of our ego, and certainly doesn’t in any way indicate wanting to get back with them, it’s just psychological “ironing out” issues. You were the massive concern when your child was born, he was trying to dampen his anxieties /worries by thinking of an aspect of the past life which be bad no real notion of resurrecting. That’s my tuppence psychology, but I know people’s minds do work like that.

Green&Red

OP, I'm happily married, couldn't be more happy, love my wife, love our life, wouldn't change a thing

I also regularly look up girls I went out with, curiosity, reminiscing about good times, whatever the reason, I don't really know myself. We recently had a baby, I'm almost certain I did it that nite, house to myself, probably as one poster said it was a big day and thinking about what other path I could have gone down.

I do know that it doesn't change how I feel about my wife, or how over the moon I was about our new baby.

You're 100% stressing over nothing here

Sleeper12

My wife of 30 years is Facebook friends with her two ex boyfriends. They chat online. They are married with families of their own. Not a big deal imo.

It would be different if she lied about it or tried to hide it. That might be worrying

This might not be quite what it seems. I am someone's husband and I regularly do the same thing. I look my ex up because when she ended our relationship (12 years ago), it devastated me for almost two years. I wasn't independent enough. I wasn't ambitious enough. I wasn't slim enough. I wasn't destined for great things like she was. At least that's what she believed.

But the break-up process pushed me to a new life, and I am happily married today with a family that I love, with loads of money, with a great work-life balance, precisely because she dumped me. I look at her page frequently (maybe once per month) because every time I do it reminds me that her leaving me was without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. And she is in the exact same place, doing the exact same thing, single, without a full time job, with barely a penny to her name, tweeting very predictable things, because she has to, to make any progress (which she isn't).

Basically looking at her profile is therapeutic and makes me happy about the choices I made after she broke up with me, it makes me grateful for who and what I have today. It elicits a feeling of glee and satisfaction. I have zero interest in ever speaking to her again. If she messaged me tomorrow, I would ignore her.

marilynrr

@[Deleted User]

I don't think that will make the OP feel better. It's actually kind of weird and creepy. If a man told me that I would think he had a weird obsession with his ex after being hurt by her and that he absolutely would message her back if she messaged! Often men who appear to despise their exes are still cut up over them and definitely have feelings.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118843291#Comment_118843291

Hmmm... I don't see that at all in the post. To me it comes off as a "there but for the grace of god..." type of sentiment.

That looking at his ex is showing him how unfulfilling his life could have been, and it's making him appreciate his wife more now.

I think you're bringing your own baggage into your interpretation, I don't get the sense that he still has feelings for the ex.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118843872#Comment_118843872

Sorry, I agree with Marilynrr on this one.

Looking up an ex on a monthly basis to gloat over their apparent lack of progress in life in order to re-affirming your own? That's not usual. It's gloating. It actually sounds a bit spiteful. If you're so happy, why do you need to constantly re-affirm it?

What is usual, is letting them go and moving on with your own life.

OP I think you're overthinking it.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844468#Comment_118844468

It's not usual but I don't think it's a sign he still has feelings. I don't think it's particularly healthy tough. Monthly is certainly too much - I didn't see where he said it was that frequently.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118843291#Comment_118843291

That's your own lack of confidence speaking. I have no reason to lie here. Anyway, you can think that if you like, and I can think that women who resort to calling normal, respectable men 'creepy' for engaging in behaviors that are far more common than you realize, bullets best dodged.

ahappychappy

It may be innocent - but honestly no I would not like this behaviour. Of course every now and again something may trigger a moment of I wonder where xy/z is -but checking out social media on a regular basis would make me curious to their reason. I would be hurt after having a baby that his brain was there, its just "off"!. I fully appreciate you may have a great relationship, but if you dont have honesty what is the foundation built on ? Personally I dont consider this anyway comparable with looking at anonymous porn. When you are further along with your new little one (congratulations) then you need to decide if you want to discuss this or ignore. I do hope whatever you decide it works itself out.

And sorry @[Deleted User] that behaviour is not emotionally healthy! It is clear from your post there is some residual hurt as you keep going back to the wound - I understand you say it is not creepy but it isn't healthy to keep looking at an ex's social media to validate yourself. Have you discussed this with your partner - if not then why not - is it because you know on some level this isn't appropriate? Do you have an idea of how your partner would react if they found out? No judgement - but if you need validation let your partner know so they can support you - let them be your go to for validation them rather than the past - your trust in them can only strengthen a relationship.

amdublin

Jaysis the judgement levels against a particular poster is high. Personally I think Tomalek offered some good insight/a different perspective. I personally agree with them, and as the OP is looking for some advice I would be saying to the OP that Tomalek offered an insightful opinion. IMO

Liberty_Bear

Human nature is to be curious and maybe it does hurt that he is still looking up an ex. If they are not chatting or meeting up perhaps its best to view it as he is just curious as to what happens. I do it with people at times, I wonder what became of them. Certainly maybe its a conversation to have with your husband and explain that if you do feel insecure or are not au fait with it, explain it.

Aseth

I do this, too. For years. For 'shadenfreude' of seeing my ex's cheating a$$ still single.

You can't be sure why your husband is doing it and our guess is as good as yours.

Padre_Pio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118867380#Comment_118867380

Honestly, I still do it too.

I'm happily in a relationship, yet I look up exes on instagram maybe once every few months or so. I've no idea why I do it. All of their profiles are private. They're all happily married as far as I know.

It's strange that someone could be an integral part of your life for years, then all of a sudden they're gone. Not only are they gone, but you're not supposed to think about them. Or wonder where they ended up. Or what they're doing on a Saturday morning such as today.

I have zero feelings towards them. I have zero desire to even talk to them. But I do wonder how their life is going.

I don't do it for any sense of shadenfreude. My exes are all doing very well for themselves. Maybe, depending on the metric, better than me, who knows. I only do it out of curiosity about someone I used to love, years ago.

Laverte

Hi,

I'm sorry that you've had so many negative responses to your post, your concerns are completely valid.

In my opinion it may help to bring your concerns to your husband, looking at past partners social media is completely normal, however the frequency and timing of his searches doesn't sit right.. I guess you need to decide what you want to do with this and communication is essential if you want to move past this with your partner or otherwise.