Should I be annoyed?

soundcrowd

Hi, before I write this I'm cautious that I'm not overstepping the mark or coming across as an insecure person.

Quick background, I'm mid 40s, Seperated 6 years. Marriage was really bad - only now I realise I was the victim of emotional and mental abuse. It has left me finding it hard to trust and very cautious with regards to relationships.

Met a lovely woman two years ago. I've never been treated as well. She too was a few years out of a horrific relationship where she was treated dreadfully. This has been confirmed by numerous of her friends and family. However the black mark was that in the end she had a brief fling with a guy that was found out - she suffered enormously because of it. Ex partner used it as justification and threw her out.

I didn't care as it was her past and she took a long time to rebuild a relationship with her children, etc.

She is a lovely person and we have a great time together, juggling our own parental responsibilities between trying to find as much time to spend with each other. We are very good to each other and our friends and families are delighted for us.

Fast forward to last week when by what I presume was a mistake she forwarded me on a screenshot of a joke from somebody. I then realised it was from the guy she had the old fling with.

I confronted her and she defended initially saying he was still an old friend. She was vague as to how long they had been chatting, etc. We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it.

Just to clarify, she has loads of male friends and that is no issue at all - but this one I feel doesn't sit well with me at all.

I've been walked all over in my marriage and in a brief previous relationship I had before meeting her. I let a lot of things slide which ended up biting me. Is this something I'm being too casual about?

Now a week later, I actually am very annoyed that she still had been in contact with him and still need answers. Considering the fall out it caused her in the past.

Please tell me if I'm being over the top?

Thanks for reading.

Teacher2020

She wasn't trying to hide the fact that she was still in contact with him. I think you are out of order in this case. You made her delete someone that is an old friend and are still annoyed with her. She is entitled to have conversations with whoever she wants, even if that is with an old fling. My husband is friends with his ex girlfriend - they hang out (usually in a group) and exchange funny snapchats and texts etc. Never in a million years would I tell him he can't be friends with her or text her. That is hugely controlling behaviour!

Caranica

Totally and utterly over the top. We have flings and relationships with people because we connect. That isn't deleted when it's over.

Some of my best friends are exes and that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything with them. They were an important part of my life in the past and now they're playing a different part.

This guy probably made her feel the safest she felt in years of a tough marriage. Cutting him out entirely would probably do her more damage.

soundcrowd

OK, thanks. I appreciate your points.

It was just the fact that she had an affair with this guy.

But I'll leave it.

Not only should you leave it, you should apologise and tell her to "undelete" him.

89897

I dont necessarily think you're wrong to feel how you feel. Given the circumstances, you feel how you feel. If you trust her and believe its just an old friendship then thats it, maybe she didnt need to cut him off in that regard. However, do her kids know and how would they feel about it given shes worked so hard to build back a relationship with them?!

foxsake

probably an overreaction on your part but not as severe as the posts above make out.

It's your relationship too and it's fine to set the standard/boundaries you feel are appropriate. Likewise your lady friend should set her own.

if either of you find those boundaries unsuitable then you aren't suited. There is no obligation to force a relationship to work if you want different things.

for what it's worth,

I don't buy the "i'm great friends with my ex" line that some posts have said. I would greet an ex and have a chat if I met them but I don't message them for jokes/chats or whatever. They are exes for a reason. And neither does my wife text exes.

I try never to be in a situation where it would cause my wife to question me . To me it's about respecting your relationship.

Other can differ in their views and thats fine cos I'm married to somebody who thinks likewise and not married to them.

soundcrowd

Thanks all. To cover a point her kids would disown her if they knew she was in contact again.

I don't want any hassle and the last thing I want is to give her any grief.

Its been so long since I've been in a relationship, I just dunt really know what's acceptable or not anymore.

This just didn't sit well with me.

Was just interested in getting opinions.

The Mighty Quinn

I seem to be swimming against the tide here, but I'd probably feel the same as you about it.

It seems a bit 'careless' to be rekindling fires that burned you badly previously. It's not that it's a male friend, it's that it's the person who sealed the deal in her marriage failure, even though I believe you when you say that it was likely used as a stick to beat her when in fact her abusive husband had already killed the marriage.

I wouldn't like it, but maybe some further context needed. Is this a male friend she was friends with for a long time and became sexual with at one point, or is this somebody she only got to know very briefly before a sexual relationship developed?

soundcrowd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118762344#Comment_118762344

That's exactly how I felt, you've nailed it exactly.

Its the only blot on the landscape. I'd never tell her who to talk with but I just told her it didn't sit well with me. I just couldn't understand why she would still chat with him considering the carnage it caused. She's homeless because of it. She insisted on deleting his number. I didn't ask her to.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback.

89897

I think maybe there's a further conversation to be had here. She offered to delete the number meaning she must know she crossed a line.

Now what id be even more concerned with, is that she's willing to throw away all the hard work done with her kids by maintaining contact with this man. They would and should be front and center of any actions she takes.

Perhaps shes not seeing that, so i think the book needs to be reopened and remind her of all the hard work shes done. If the relationship is as solid as you say and she's a reasonable person, i dont think there would be any harm in that.

On a side note, having been or not been in a relationship for some time doesn't trump that you are 50% of this and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. There's no norm, it should be what works best for you both and what you have both mutually agreed on what you want and dont want in your relationship.

thefallingman

Op i'd be rightly peed off and i think you have every right to be i'm pretty amazed at some people who aren't, the fact she didn't even care or think about forwarding the joke on with a link to him is even worse. I wouldn't be telling her kids or anything but honestly i'd find it very hard to trust that person the way you once did, for me she'd be gone before you get put through the ringer again.

Jequ0n

I don’t think it’s strange to be unsettled or annoyed, because it sounds like this just revealed itself unexpectedly. I guess there is no issue with anyone remaining friends with an ex, but there is a distinct difference between a “regular” ex and an affair that ended a relationship, and which was never mentioned since.

Talk to her, but I don’t think you are unreasonable to be annoyed about the lack of transparency.

Dial Hard

Yeah, I'd have a huge issue with this and I don't really understand why you said you wouldn't talk about it. It's a fairly huge deal (imo, anyway) and sweeping it under the rug was only ever going to have one outcome, which is the one you're currently dealing with: it's festering.

As others have said, this isn't just a "normal" ex, it's the guy who finally ended her marriage. Her own children would cut her off if they knew she was contacting him. So you need to ask yourself - and her - what she's actually getting out of this contact. Also, for me personally, I'd need to know if they've been in contact this entire time or if it was rekindled fairly recently.

I think you have some tough conversations ahead of you, OP. Good luck with them.

soundcrowd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118766461#Comment_118766461

Thank you again. Helpful responses. I guess in my past I let things pass that I should have really brought up. My relationship experiences have not been good, mostly because I was too passive and was allowed to be walked on, ignoring what I see now were serious red flags at the time. I avoided conflict.

I'm not ashamed to say I'm disappointed because I thought I had finally met someone who was genuine and treated me well. I really found it hard to trust ever again and I did with her.

I can't think of a valid reason why she should be in contact with him, considering her telling me her family would disown her if they knew she was in contact.

Again I must stress she has loads of male friends and that's totally cool with me. She's friendly. Just the messy history with this guy really doesn't sit well with me. He's married. His wife would go berserk if she knew they were chatting, innocently or not, considering their past. Her words, not mine.

You're right. I was too quick to dismiss. I've done it way too many times in the past.

Thanks.

I think you're in danger allowing your insecurities from your previous relationships cloud your judgement a little bit here, and you're blowing this out of proportion.

Read your opening post again. You describe a wonderful, very happy relationship. How did you go from describing her as that in your first post to "I thought I had met someone genuine who treated me well.." in your last post?

You confronted her about it and she explained, acknowledged your feelings and then deleted the guy - without you even asking her to, even though she didnt have to.

You describe this guy as an old friend whom she had a brief fling with and that it ended her marriage, but from what you say earlier thats not really the full story and this was used as a stick to whip her with - by her whole family, including her kids.

I don't know - I don't know what more you expect her to do or what more there is to talk about. How else do you expect her to reassure you? Think carefully on this, because if you don't trust her, then the relationship is over anyway. And I think given what you described in your opening post, that would be a shame to throw away over this - unless you think she is cheating.

tea and coffee

I'm a bit torn on this one. I agree with a previous poster who said the affair was used a stick to beat her. You said she was in an abusive relationship. Maybe she felt she was unable to leave and consciously or unconsciously started the affair to get out of the marriage.

Also am amazed her kids are so angry given how their father treated their mother. Have they no compassion?

However, it's not cool she's still in touch with him. Let's just imagine it was just a regular ex.. how would you feel then? Still the same or does it gall you most because it was an affair? I would be asking questions as to why she's still wanting to stay in touch after 2 years

irelandrover

Id be annoyed. Not because she is friends with an ex but because she was hiding it. I'd expect to know my partners friends after two years. Not because I want to meet them all or know who she hangs out with, but more so that they come up in conversation.

If he really was just a friend and nothing else then why did she hide the friendship.

YellowLead

I’m surprised she didn’t mention they were in touch before. Clearly she was open about the cheating in her previous relationship so when she was describing what happened it would have been helpful had she said something like ‘oh we are still in touch by the way, still friends’ so you knew. It’s the not mentioning they were still in touch which is the tricky part to accept here given she cheated with him before so he’s not just a regular ex.

Positive that she accepted it looked iffy and was happy to delete him out of respect for you - this shows she’s putting you first now.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772157#Comment_118772157

Was she hiding it though?

I don't think she was. At least not consciously. She forwarded a funny message from him to her now partner without giving it a second thought. That's not the behaviour of someone who is consciously concealing contact with someone.

Do we all know every single person that out partners talk to online or by text? I would be very surprised if the answer is yes. Again, OP, please consider this.

From your OP:

"We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it."

It appears you both agreed the issue was resolved. Now you want to bring it back up again, but again, ask yourself, what more do you think she can do or say that she hasn't done already?

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772397#Comment_118772397

After two years I'd expect to at least know by name the people my partner texts on a regular basis.

I think that if you don't tell your current partner you are still friends with an ex then you are indeed hiding it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772664#Comment_118772664

The OP never said they were texting "on a regular basis" - that's an assumption on your part. And either way, the woman is an adult and can speak to / text whom she likes without needing anyone's permission.

The OP says she describes this person as an old friend, and it sounds from what the OP tells us like they are someone who she was close to and who she briefly crossed a line with while going through a very dark time in her life.

I just wouldn't advise the OP to join the line of those who want to punish her for that. It seems her family and kids do that enough already.

I don't get the feeling that she is cheating on him now, if I did, I would say so.

I think the OP needs to take a deep breath, stop overthinking it and take her at her word. Because if he can't, then its already as good as over.

soundcrowd

I really appreciate all the input here and I'm just going to have make a decision. I promised myself in the past that I'd walk at the first sign of dodginess and try as I have I just dont get why she would be in what seems like regular contact. I don't know the content of what that contact has been and now it's on my mind, but I've closed the book. A bit hastily I think.

It was forwarded to me by accident. I don't think she knew I was aware who this guy was, but I was. I do really think the chat was innocent, but then again that naievety has bit me before. They did have an affair for a few months that ended in a dreadful mess. It was absolutely never on my mind as it was her past. I have one too. I just leave it there though.

I feel sorry for her, that her horrific ex did what he wanted and walked all over her for years. Twisted her now adult kids into believing she was the cause of split and its taken years of work by her to get back to some normality again. All the more reason as to wonder why the hell there is contact.

I'm not trying to punish, far from it. I haven't "gone crazy" about it. It just doesnt sit well with me that's all. No big forensic examination required.

I'm dreadful at making decisions but I'm going to have to now.

Thanks for all the messages. Very helpful and I'm open to both sides.

Liberty_Bear

Could we not go with everyone has a past and as such deserves to be acknowledged. This is a litmus test two years in from meeting her. Reasoning with yourself, ask why you are uncomfortable with it. Could it be past experience? In which case that is totally understandable why you feel the way that you do but it doesn't justify why you feel the way you do. Blind faith is never easy to do but you came through a messy separation and now have someone wonderful. Before you raise the topic and potential ire of your significant other, would you engage in some counselling to iron out any issues that might be there?

Well, if this was all it takes to make you end what sounds like an (up to this point) very happy relationship with a woman you yourself describe as lovely and who treats you very well, then maybe its for the best.

I echo what Liberty_Bear says above. Get some counselling to deal with your insecurities before embarking on any further relationships - because no one is perfect.

Dial Hard

As someone who said I'd have a problem with this, I really hope you're not considering ending the relationship without at least attempting to speak to her about this, which is what it sounds like. That would be an incredible overreaction and most unfair to her. The least you owe to both of you is for you to lay everything out on the table - both sides' feelings, motivations, frustrations, concerns etc. - and take it from there.

Ending it now without even giving her the chance to talk about it is going straight to Defcon 3.

I think some counselling for you regardless would also be beneficial, you seem to have a bit of an "all or nothing" approach to relationships.

Mongfinder General

Watch a few of this guys videos. I don’t agree with everything he says but his content provides food for thought. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DEOG2QoeAY0

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118777572#Comment_118777572

I 100% agree with everything Dial Hard said here. I would have a problem with what you've described BUT you don't have the full facts to hand. At the moment, you're in the land of whataboutery and you're jumping to all sorts of conclusions which might not be correct. I'm long enough around to know that you can't assume anything and that there's usually value in talking to other people. You can also learn a lot by face to face conversations and by the way she reacts. Leaving this to fester is going to destroy your relationship at some point, so you might as well have that conversation and see what happens.

thefallingman

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Op seriously there is no option here but to end it, whatever happened her previously is bad,but she's now having her cake and eating it, at your expense, and to hell with the consequences including her children. I'd be gone and so should you.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118783647#Comment_118783647

Where are you getting that from? There's no indication of any wrong doing on the partners side. She has remained in contact with someone that she possibly shouldn't but that doesn't mean that there is something going on between them.

Confused11811

Op it seems to me she's inviting possible hassle and drama into your relationship and you've every right to say this is a red line you're not comfortable with her crossing it.

What ever about her previous situation in her marriage was the fact remains she had an affair with that man who was himself married. I don't judge anyone for having an affair but that man and his wife are still together so obviously he and his wife worked on things. Any potential contact between the OP's partner and her marriage fling could justifiably cause distress, upset and drama to that lady and drag the OP who has nothing to do affair into a messy situation.

It's a potential car crash and the OP while innocently sitting in the passenger seat would no doubt be affected.

Anyone who can't see that and thinks the OP should apologies needs to reevaluate the situation and consider the potential for hurt and drama to the OP, the man's wife and all the sets of children involved. For all involved contact should stop, her marriage, her affair and reasons for having it are in the past and this man should be too.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118784642#Comment_118784642

100% agree...... not even a ' potential ' car crash......id say a ' guaranteed soon' car crash.....

I don't get some posters saying he should apologise either??? Bewildered by that ....... not only does she want her ' cake & eat it' too the idea of apologizing is akin to getting her a napkin & fork while she's eating the cake. There's a reason why ' exes' are that...'exes'

_gir

OP don’t end but bring up your feelings with her. No relationship survives a feeling of inequality. I would just bring it up when you two have a free moment. I think she would rather you talk about this and explain it and put you at ease if she was willing so quickly to delete his number. Just because you talked about it once, doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it again.

remember most lasting relationships are built on open discussion and truths. No relationship where there is a sliver of distrust or secrecy ever survives long term

Big Bag of Chips

This isn’t a case of some fella she used to go out with and she’s still friends with. This is the man who caused her to split her family up and to have her children stop speaking to her. He’s also married. Was he married at the time of their relationship? This isn’t an ex. This is a relationships that has destroyed her relationships and possibly caused trouble in his too. I think after an affair it’s not possible to be “friends”. And if he was married at the time then I can guarantee his wife would not be happy with him being friends with her.

So yes, absolutely you should be annoyed. Other people might be happy with their partner being in touch with someone they cheated on their previous partner with. I wouldn’t be, and you are entitled not to be.

It doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. But you might want to just take stock of the woman you are with, and her perception of appropriate behaviour. Her life is a mess at the moment and he played a big part in that. The fact she is still keeping that door open makes me question her judgement and her maturity. You are entitled to feel how you feel. This is an iffy situation.

Have you ever had counselling to process your past relationship? It might be worth picking this through. When you are more confident in yourself you will be more confident and assertive about what you expect in a relationship.

This isn’t a case of some fella she used to go out with and she’s still friends with. This is the man who caused her to split her family up and to have her children stop speaking to her.

I think that sentence is very unfair, and completely ignores the context supplied by the OP that her husband was abusing her terribly and THAT was the real factor in the breakdown of her marriage. Was what she did wrong? Yes. Should she be punished for it for the rest of her life? No.

Some people are making a big fuss about her kids. The OP has stated that they are adults. Time for them to grow up and realise parents aren't perfect. Do they hold their father to account for his abuse of their mother and the part he played in the breakdown of that marriage? Because other posters are not.

Nor would I be worrying to much about the other person's wife, frankly. For all anyone here knows, she probably is aware they are still talk. They were friends before the affair.

Seriously, I think some posters here are not happy until they talk everyone out of their relationships and to suggest the OP just dump her and walk away for this after 2 very happy years together, is simply ridiculous.

To the OP, if you feel you need to bring it up again, do so. But like I posted before, I honestly don't see what else she can do to reassure you, other than what she has done already.

Big Bag of Chips

I never suggested he dump her. Indeed I suggested it didn’t have to mean the end of his relationship.

She had an affair with a married man. You are perfectly entitled to feel weird about her still being in contact with him, OP. And nobody has the right to tell you you are wrong to feel like that. We all have our own standards of what we expect in a relationship. What might bother one person wouldn’t bother another. I do think you would benefit from working through everything with a counsellor though. You are obviously carrying a lot from your marriage, whether you realise it or not. It can be freeing to offload some of that. It can also help you to feel stronger in yourself.

Confused11811

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118786199#Comment_118786199

With all due respect none of us here can form an opinion on who was responsible for the breakdown of the OP's partners marriage based on what been posted here. And as with all marriage breakdowns there's two sides to the story and somewhere in the middle there is the truth.

Also I think you underestimate the importance of an affair in term of the strength of an emotional connection that can form between 2 people who come together at the potential expense of their marriages. Despite what people might think it's usually never an easy decision to have an affair. A one off fling is one thing that can be chalked down to an error or a mistake, an affair is a different animal.

When you're in a miserable relationship and find comfort and joy in the arms of someone else , that someone else can become one of the most important people in your life. The relationship while "wrong" in people's eyes can become so right in your own. There can be an unreal strength, intensity and reliance on such relationships especially when you're so miserable in a marriage. When these relationships end it's usually because they're forced to end and not out of choice. The feelings felt for each other don't just end when the affair is forced to end.

The OP is right to be upset, the situation that brought his now partner together with that man is no longer there, her bad marriage is now over and she's now with the OP. IMHO They're is nothing good that can come from them being friends or chatting.

Also the OP's now partner has stated her ex lovers wife would be upset at finding out they were chatting. The OP doesn't need the drama that could happen from that situation. They're both now nearly kicking the arse off 50 , who the hell wants that kinda BS drama brought to their lives.

I don't judge the woman for her affair or her reasons, that said the OP has the right to be annoyed at the contact between the two. He is not being unreasonable.

Big Bag of Chips

The thing is, your partner also has a choice. You are perfectly entitled to let her know this is something that makes you very uneasy. I think many people would be uneasy in your situation. You are entitled to lay down your markers. It is then up to her to accept them or not. She is equally as free to dump you and walk away from your relationship if she doesn’t like your stance on this.

If this friendship is important to her she will choose it over you (and possibly over her relationship with her children). If it’s not, she will step back from it. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to say she can’t have both. It’s then up to her to decide which. That’s not being controlling or anything else people might suggest. It’s your drawing your boundary, which you have every right to do. You are not forcing her to be in a relationship with you. You are not forcing her to do anything. You are simply telling her how you feel. What she does with that information is her choice.

But they have already done all that.

The OP says they discussed it at length, she acknowledged the OPs feelings and agreed it looked bad from his perspective and immediately (and voluntarily) deleted her old friend's number, (even though the OP never asked her to) . They both agreed that was the end of the matter.

So, again I ask, what more is she supposed to do?

Tork

Deleting this man's number isn't the grand gesture you see it as. I don't think she had any choice but to delete it once the OP confronted her with the screenshot. She was caught red-handed and she knew what was at stake. All this does is applies a sticking plaster to a gaping wound IMHO. There are an awful lot of unanswered questions that can't be put to bed by deleting a number off a phone. As has been explained very well by the others, this man isn't just any old male friend or a distant ex who she just sees as a friend. This guy is a significant figure from her recent past and her affair with him had huge ramifications for her. There's a big question mark over why she continued to message him, especially once she met the OP. Nobody (including the OP) knows what has been going on between this pair all during her new relationship or why she continued to keep him in her life. It's a no-brainer that this contact is inappropriate. Would she ever have told the OP she was messaging this guy if she hadn't been found out? Even though the OP and his girlfriend agreed to put the matter to bed, this is far from settled. There are so many unanswered questions here, this needs to be revisited.

JimmyVik

Making someone delete a friend from their contacts smacks of controlling behavior to me. But maybe thats just me.

You either trust her or you dont. Sure she could be committing the thought crime of maybe getting close to someone else in future, but she is an adult and presumably knows her boundaries and should expect to be trusted to know them.

Tork

But he didn't tell her to delete the number. This is what he said in his first post "I confronted her and she defended initially saying he was still an old friend. She was vague as to how long they had been chatting, etc. We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it." She knew straight away that she had done something wrong. When being vague and saying he was an old friend didn't cut it (rightly, in my book) she then deleted him. I'm sure she can get his number again if she wants it but that's another matter.

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787045#Comment_118787045

the damage was done Loueze by being in contact, they are either meeting on the sly or opening the door to it, i know you want to stick up for the woman here as women do, but you shouldn't the man has been through enough before and cant risk it again, he also has kids to think about, she obviously doesnt care about hers as they'd disown her

JimmyVik

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787745#Comment_118787745

Coercive control.

Tork

If that's your definition of coercive control, you must be throwing that accusation out like confetti.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118787781#Comment_118787781

I don't want to "stick up for the woman here as women do". This is not a gender thing and I am not gender biased.

What I want to do is try and stop the OP from making what I think would be a huge mistake of ending his relationship of 2 years which until now he says has been a very happy one, over this one issue, because posters here are all too willing to feed into his insecurities.

They've already talked it out, and both agreed to put it to bed. If he wants to bring it all up again, he can, but it's picking at the scab, and in the end, that could become what destroys their relationship. Because like JimmyVik said above, he either trusts her, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then its already over.

As for the "kids", I've already addressed that. He doesn't say how old his children are but did say hers are adults. Maybe their mother is over being held to ransom and punished by them for the sins of the past.

I repeat for the benefit of the OP, they should get some counselling to deal with their own insecurity, before pulling the trigger on this, or they may have serious regrets later on.

a fat guy

Lots of mixed extreme responses on here ranging from sentiments as strong as "leave her now!" to "apologise to her now!". I'll never understand how what should be an older age demographic on boards.ie never seemed to get that the truth is often in the middle? Or maybe we're all just here to eat popcorn and mentally get off on other peoples problems...

OP you're gonna have to talk with her about this and we don't know the full details (Were you cheated on before, does she know the full extent of how badly you were treated, was this other man also emotional support during the time they were riding, etc). I would say hold off on the rash decisions for now. You don't know for sure if this is a sign of bad faith from your partner (I doubt it but she could be cheating. Not sure if she'd manager that between your relationship and having kids) or simply inertia (Got comfortable having him around as a friend for years and was single up until she met you, so this situation hasn't popped up on your radar until now).

I'd be wary of this lad considering that he's cheated on his own wife and is still talking to the woman he cheated with though.

Wombatman

I'd say when she deleted him she was quick to delete the chat history too. She didn't offer to show you their chat history as proof of good faith by any chance did she?

'a fat guy' hit the nail on the head above. This guy has history. Good chance he has a few women on the go. I doubt he is in it for platonic reasons and she probably is fully aware of this fact and yet kept up the contact. Red flag city.

Big Bag of Chips

Life would be great and perfect if all relationship issues could be solved in one sitting. The reality is when real people are involved with real feelings, real emotions and real history then it’s not so easy to wrap things up in a nice neat little package and everyone moves on putting the incident out of their mind never to be thought of again. It is completely understandable OP that this is playing on your mind. It doesn’t mean that you’re going to end your relationship but it doesn’t mean that you’re not bothered by it. And real life isn’t a soap opera where storylines are played out and resolved in a couple of episodes. Couples are always told to communicate. Not to bottle up feelings. If there’s an issue to discuss it. Although it seems now discussing things that might be a problem for someone is coercive control and abusive.

You didn’t know this woman prior to her marriage breakdown. All you know is her version. Which might well, from her perspective, be 100% true. Her husband will have another perspective. And her children will each have their own. Nobody who went through that relationship and break up will have the same story to tell. They will each have been in very different relationships. So I think it is ok to be off about this situation. It’s ok to not be over it in the space of a few days. Somebody asked what more can she do. If she’s serious about her relationship with you, she can listen to how you feel and acknowledge, if she thinks it appropriate, that it looks bad from your perspective for them to to be chatting over messenger and sending jokes to each other. Over time I think you will get over this if you see that she is making an effort to prove you can trust that this man is her past. If that’s too much hassle for her she can always leave you. You’re not holding her against her will.

If she’s serious about her relationship with you, she can listen to how you feel and acknowledge, if she thinks it appropriate, that it looks bad from your perspective for them to to be chatting over messenger and sending jokes to each other.

But she has already done this!!

So the question now is, how many times does she have to sit and listen to and acknowledge the OPs feelings, while her partner questions her over and over?

Because I know if it were me, if he kept wanting to revisit the same conversation and rehashing the same problem again and again - that would totally piss me off. That's not "communicating". That's suspicion. It's tantamont to an accusation.

And if I were on the receiving end of that, it would be something that would make ME question whether I wanted to remain in a relationship with someone who clearly doubts my integrity and still doesn't trust me enough to take me at my word - despite a two year very happy history. So yeah, I'd be the one walking if that was the case.

OP, if you really feel you need to revisit this again, do it, but if you do, do it once, get it out of your system, then either put it to bed once and for all, or walk away.

Big Bag of Chips

This happened a week ago, and they haven’t really discussed it. OP says she thinks it’s all sorted. And that’s that. But it’s bothering him. He should be able to discuss it.

Yes if it’s something you find you can’t get over OP then that’s ok. If you think you need to say something to her about it, that’s ok. If you need her to reassure you, that’s ok. If she’s happy to do that, that’s ok. If it goes on for longer than you, or she, is happy with either of you have the option of walking away. But you also have the chance to communicate better with each other. To let each other know what your limits are in the relationship.

You asked a very simple question: Should you be annoyed. I think it is very understandable that you are annoyed. I also think with a little bit of time your annoyance will subside, as it usually does after an arguement. But hopefully your partner will understand where you’re coming from.