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Should I be annoyed?

soundcrowd

Hi, before I write this I'm cautious that I'm not overstepping the mark or coming across as an insecure person.

Quick background, I'm mid 40s, Seperated 6 years. Marriage was really bad - only now I realise I was the victim of emotional and mental abuse. It has left me finding it hard to trust and very cautious with regards to relationships.

Met a lovely woman two years ago. I've never been treated as well. She too was a few years out of a horrific relationship where she was treated dreadfully. This has been confirmed by numerous of her friends and family. However the black mark was that in the end she had a brief fling with a guy that was found out - she suffered enormously because of it. Ex partner used it as justification and threw her out.

I didn't care as it was her past and she took a long time to rebuild a relationship with her children, etc.

She is a lovely person and we have a great time together, juggling our own parental responsibilities between trying to find as much time to spend with each other. We are very good to each other and our friends and families are delighted for us.

Fast forward to last week when by what I presume was a mistake she forwarded me on a screenshot of a joke from somebody. I then realised it was from the guy she had the old fling with.

I confronted her and she defended initially saying he was still an old friend. She was vague as to how long they had been chatting, etc. We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it.

Just to clarify, she has loads of male friends and that is no issue at all - but this one I feel doesn't sit well with me at all.

I've been walked all over in my marriage and in a brief previous relationship I had before meeting her. I let a lot of things slide which ended up biting me. Is this something I'm being too casual about?

Now a week later, I actually am very annoyed that she still had been in contact with him and still need answers. Considering the fall out it caused her in the past.

Please tell me if I'm being over the top?

Thanks for reading.

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Teacher2020

She wasn't trying to hide the fact that she was still in contact with him. I think you are out of order in this case. You made her delete someone that is an old friend and are still annoyed with her. She is entitled to have conversations with whoever she wants, even if that is with an old fling. My husband is friends with his ex girlfriend - they hang out (usually in a group) and exchange funny snapchats and texts etc. Never in a million years would I tell him he can't be friends with her or text her. That is hugely controlling behaviour!

Caranica

Totally and utterly over the top. We have flings and relationships with people because we connect. That isn't deleted when it's over.

Some of my best friends are exes and that doesn't mean I'm going to do anything with them. They were an important part of my life in the past and now they're playing a different part.

This guy probably made her feel the safest she felt in years of a tough marriage. Cutting him out entirely would probably do her more damage.

soundcrowd

OK, thanks. I appreciate your points.

It was just the fact that she had an affair with this guy.

But I'll leave it.

[Deleted User]

Not only should you leave it, you should apologise and tell her to "undelete" him.

89897

I dont necessarily think you're wrong to feel how you feel. Given the circumstances, you feel how you feel. If you trust her and believe its just an old friendship then thats it, maybe she didnt need to cut him off in that regard. However, do her kids know and how would they feel about it given shes worked so hard to build back a relationship with them?!

foxsake

probably an overreaction on your part but not as severe as the posts above make out.

It's your relationship too and it's fine to set the standard/boundaries you feel are appropriate. Likewise your lady friend should set her own.

if either of you find those boundaries unsuitable then you aren't suited. There is no obligation to force a relationship to work if you want different things.

for what it's worth,

I don't buy the "i'm great friends with my ex" line that some posts have said. I would greet an ex and have a chat if I met them but I don't message them for jokes/chats or whatever. They are exes for a reason. And neither does my wife text exes.

I try never to be in a situation where it would cause my wife to question me . To me it's about respecting your relationship.

Other can differ in their views and thats fine cos I'm married to somebody who thinks likewise and not married to them.

soundcrowd

Thanks all. To cover a point her kids would disown her if they knew she was in contact again.

I don't want any hassle and the last thing I want is to give her any grief.

Its been so long since I've been in a relationship, I just dunt really know what's acceptable or not anymore.

This just didn't sit well with me.

Was just interested in getting opinions.

The Mighty Quinn

I seem to be swimming against the tide here, but I'd probably feel the same as you about it.

It seems a bit 'careless' to be rekindling fires that burned you badly previously. It's not that it's a male friend, it's that it's the person who sealed the deal in her marriage failure, even though I believe you when you say that it was likely used as a stick to beat her when in fact her abusive husband had already killed the marriage.

I wouldn't like it, but maybe some further context needed. Is this a male friend she was friends with for a long time and became sexual with at one point, or is this somebody she only got to know very briefly before a sexual relationship developed?

soundcrowd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118762344#Comment_118762344

That's exactly how I felt, you've nailed it exactly.

Its the only blot on the landscape. I'd never tell her who to talk with but I just told her it didn't sit well with me. I just couldn't understand why she would still chat with him considering the carnage it caused. She's homeless because of it. She insisted on deleting his number. I didn't ask her to.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback.

89897

I think maybe there's a further conversation to be had here. She offered to delete the number meaning she must know she crossed a line.

Now what id be even more concerned with, is that she's willing to throw away all the hard work done with her kids by maintaining contact with this man. They would and should be front and center of any actions she takes.

Perhaps shes not seeing that, so i think the book needs to be reopened and remind her of all the hard work shes done. If the relationship is as solid as you say and she's a reasonable person, i dont think there would be any harm in that.

On a side note, having been or not been in a relationship for some time doesn't trump that you are 50% of this and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. There's no norm, it should be what works best for you both and what you have both mutually agreed on what you want and dont want in your relationship.

thefallingman

Op i'd be rightly peed off and i think you have every right to be i'm pretty amazed at some people who aren't, the fact she didn't even care or think about forwarding the joke on with a link to him is even worse. I wouldn't be telling her kids or anything but honestly i'd find it very hard to trust that person the way you once did, for me she'd be gone before you get put through the ringer again.

Jequ0n

I don’t think it’s strange to be unsettled or annoyed, because it sounds like this just revealed itself unexpectedly. I guess there is no issue with anyone remaining friends with an ex, but there is a distinct difference between a “regular” ex and an affair that ended a relationship, and which was never mentioned since.

Talk to her, but I don’t think you are unreasonable to be annoyed about the lack of transparency.

Dial Hard

Yeah, I'd have a huge issue with this and I don't really understand why you said you wouldn't talk about it. It's a fairly huge deal (imo, anyway) and sweeping it under the rug was only ever going to have one outcome, which is the one you're currently dealing with: it's festering.

As others have said, this isn't just a "normal" ex, it's the guy who finally ended her marriage. Her own children would cut her off if they knew she was contacting him. So you need to ask yourself - and her - what she's actually getting out of this contact. Also, for me personally, I'd need to know if they've been in contact this entire time or if it was rekindled fairly recently.

I think you have some tough conversations ahead of you, OP. Good luck with them.

soundcrowd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118766461#Comment_118766461

Thank you again. Helpful responses. I guess in my past I let things pass that I should have really brought up. My relationship experiences have not been good, mostly because I was too passive and was allowed to be walked on, ignoring what I see now were serious red flags at the time. I avoided conflict.

I'm not ashamed to say I'm disappointed because I thought I had finally met someone who was genuine and treated me well. I really found it hard to trust ever again and I did with her.

I can't think of a valid reason why she should be in contact with him, considering her telling me her family would disown her if they knew she was in contact.

Again I must stress she has loads of male friends and that's totally cool with me. She's friendly. Just the messy history with this guy really doesn't sit well with me. He's married. His wife would go berserk if she knew they were chatting, innocently or not, considering their past. Her words, not mine.

You're right. I was too quick to dismiss. I've done it way too many times in the past.

Thanks.

[Deleted User]

I think you're in danger allowing your insecurities from your previous relationships cloud your judgement a little bit here, and you're blowing this out of proportion.

Read your opening post again. You describe a wonderful, very happy relationship. How did you go from describing her as that in your first post to "I thought I had met someone genuine who treated me well.." in your last post?

You confronted her about it and she explained, acknowledged your feelings and then deleted the guy - without you even asking her to, even though she didnt have to.

You describe this guy as an old friend whom she had a brief fling with and that it ended her marriage, but from what you say earlier thats not really the full story and this was used as a stick to whip her with - by her whole family, including her kids.

I don't know - I don't know what more you expect her to do or what more there is to talk about. How else do you expect her to reassure you? Think carefully on this, because if you don't trust her, then the relationship is over anyway. And I think given what you described in your opening post, that would be a shame to throw away over this - unless you think she is cheating.

tea and coffee

I'm a bit torn on this one. I agree with a previous poster who said the affair was used a stick to beat her. You said she was in an abusive relationship. Maybe she felt she was unable to leave and consciously or unconsciously started the affair to get out of the marriage.

Also am amazed her kids are so angry given how their father treated their mother. Have they no compassion?

However, it's not cool she's still in touch with him. Let's just imagine it was just a regular ex.. how would you feel then? Still the same or does it gall you most because it was an affair? I would be asking questions as to why she's still wanting to stay in touch after 2 years

irelandrover

Id be annoyed. Not because she is friends with an ex but because she was hiding it. I'd expect to know my partners friends after two years. Not because I want to meet them all or know who she hangs out with, but more so that they come up in conversation.

If he really was just a friend and nothing else then why did she hide the friendship.

YellowLead

I’m surprised she didn’t mention they were in touch before. Clearly she was open about the cheating in her previous relationship so when she was describing what happened it would have been helpful had she said something like ‘oh we are still in touch by the way, still friends’ so you knew. It’s the not mentioning they were still in touch which is the tricky part to accept here given she cheated with him before so he’s not just a regular ex.

Positive that she accepted it looked iffy and was happy to delete him out of respect for you - this shows she’s putting you first now.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772157#Comment_118772157

Was she hiding it though?

I don't think she was. At least not consciously. She forwarded a funny message from him to her now partner without giving it a second thought. That's not the behaviour of someone who is consciously concealing contact with someone.

Do we all know every single person that out partners talk to online or by text? I would be very surprised if the answer is yes. Again, OP, please consider this.

From your OP:

"We discussed it at length and she agreed from my perspective it did not look good at all. She deleted him and we said we wouldn't talk again about it."

It appears you both agreed the issue was resolved. Now you want to bring it back up again, but again, ask yourself, what more do you think she can do or say that she hasn't done already?

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772397#Comment_118772397

After two years I'd expect to at least know by name the people my partner texts on a regular basis.

I think that if you don't tell your current partner you are still friends with an ex then you are indeed hiding it.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118772664#Comment_118772664

The OP never said they were texting "on a regular basis" - that's an assumption on your part. And either way, the woman is an adult and can speak to / text whom she likes without needing anyone's permission.

The OP says she describes this person as an old friend, and it sounds from what the OP tells us like they are someone who she was close to and who she briefly crossed a line with while going through a very dark time in her life.

I just wouldn't advise the OP to join the line of those who want to punish her for that. It seems her family and kids do that enough already.

I don't get the feeling that she is cheating on him now, if I did, I would say so.

I think the OP needs to take a deep breath, stop overthinking it and take her at her word. Because if he can't, then its already as good as over.

soundcrowd

I really appreciate all the input here and I'm just going to have make a decision. I promised myself in the past that I'd walk at the first sign of dodginess and try as I have I just dont get why she would be in what seems like regular contact. I don't know the content of what that contact has been and now it's on my mind, but I've closed the book. A bit hastily I think.

It was forwarded to me by accident. I don't think she knew I was aware who this guy was, but I was. I do really think the chat was innocent, but then again that naievety has bit me before. They did have an affair for a few months that ended in a dreadful mess. It was absolutely never on my mind as it was her past. I have one too. I just leave it there though.

I feel sorry for her, that her horrific ex did what he wanted and walked all over her for years. Twisted her now adult kids into believing she was the cause of split and its taken years of work by her to get back to some normality again. All the more reason as to wonder why the hell there is contact.

I'm not trying to punish, far from it. I haven't "gone crazy" about it. It just doesnt sit well with me that's all. No big forensic examination required.

I'm dreadful at making decisions but I'm going to have to now.

Thanks for all the messages. Very helpful and I'm open to both sides.

Liberty_Bear

Could we not go with everyone has a past and as such deserves to be acknowledged. This is a litmus test two years in from meeting her. Reasoning with yourself, ask why you are uncomfortable with it. Could it be past experience? In which case that is totally understandable why you feel the way that you do but it doesn't justify why you feel the way you do. Blind faith is never easy to do but you came through a messy separation and now have someone wonderful. Before you raise the topic and potential ire of your significant other, would you engage in some counselling to iron out any issues that might be there?

[Deleted User]

Well, if this was all it takes to make you end what sounds like an (up to this point) very happy relationship with a woman you yourself describe as lovely and who treats you very well, then maybe its for the best.

I echo what Liberty_Bear says above. Get some counselling to deal with your insecurities before embarking on any further relationships - because no one is perfect.

Dial Hard

As someone who said I'd have a problem with this, I really hope you're not considering ending the relationship without at least attempting to speak to her about this, which is what it sounds like. That would be an incredible overreaction and most unfair to her. The least you owe to both of you is for you to lay everything out on the table - both sides' feelings, motivations, frustrations, concerns etc. - and take it from there.

Ending it now without even giving her the chance to talk about it is going straight to Defcon 3.

I think some counselling for you regardless would also be beneficial, you seem to have a bit of an "all or nothing" approach to relationships.

Mongfinder General

Watch a few of this guys videos. I don’t agree with everything he says but his content provides food for thought. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DEOG2QoeAY0

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118777572#Comment_118777572

I 100% agree with everything Dial Hard said here. I would have a problem with what you've described BUT you don't have the full facts to hand. At the moment, you're in the land of whataboutery and you're jumping to all sorts of conclusions which might not be correct. I'm long enough around to know that you can't assume anything and that there's usually value in talking to other people. You can also learn a lot by face to face conversations and by the way she reacts. Leaving this to fester is going to destroy your relationship at some point, so you might as well have that conversation and see what happens.

thefallingman

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Op seriously there is no option here but to end it, whatever happened her previously is bad,but she's now having her cake and eating it, at your expense, and to hell with the consequences including her children. I'd be gone and so should you.

Seth Brundle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118783647#Comment_118783647

Where are you getting that from? There's no indication of any wrong doing on the partners side. She has remained in contact with someone that she possibly shouldn't but that doesn't mean that there is something going on between them.

Confused11811

Op it seems to me she's inviting possible hassle and drama into your relationship and you've every right to say this is a red line you're not comfortable with her crossing it.

What ever about her previous situation in her marriage was the fact remains she had an affair with that man who was himself married. I don't judge anyone for having an affair but that man and his wife are still together so obviously he and his wife worked on things. Any potential contact between the OP's partner and her marriage fling could justifiably cause distress, upset and drama to that lady and drag the OP who has nothing to do affair into a messy situation.

It's a potential car crash and the OP while innocently sitting in the passenger seat would no doubt be affected.

Anyone who can't see that and thinks the OP should apologies needs to reevaluate the situation and consider the potential for hurt and drama to the OP, the man's wife and all the sets of children involved. For all involved contact should stop, her marriage, her affair and reasons for having it are in the past and this man should be too.