Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Kingkong

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645557#Comment_118645557

Sile sounds like you could have a 5th so. Being happy is the most important thing. Maybe chat to the older 4 Dad though and be honest.

Sile Na Gig

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Even the ones who told me I'm immature and selfish. When I wrote the OP I was spinning out, felt like I was going nuts. I see now the empirically insane idea to avoid the conversation and give my gay friend the baby he really wants was just a bargaining tactic on behalf of my distressed mind to somehow trick myself into thinking I don't have to face my responsibilities. Its process. I think for now I will just focus on looking after myself and my children. If I am still pregnant at fifteen weeks I will have a discreet conversation with the father. That way it is presented as a fait accompli. I don't have to give him the option to persuade me to have an abortion because I don't think that would serve either of us. And there is a chance I will lose the baby before then. I have had miscarriages before. In which case I will have put him and us through the strain of knowing for no reason. I will give him the option of being the 'silent partner' if he so wishes. I imagine I will tell my children around the same time. I really don't need to announce it to community, it's nobody's business but mine. If people talk, **** them. My midwife already knows so I can arrange all the appropriate tests and birthing plan etc through her. I will get a friend and possibly my daughter if she's keen to be my birthing partners. I will offer him the opportunity to be present if he so wishes. Does this sound like a more measured and mature response? I am trying to do the right thing here.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645999#Comment_118645999

Oh God I hadn't even thought of what he will say. He will absolutely lose his ****...

Senature

This may not be relevant but the father of the older 4 children may not be so keen to pay 100% of their school and college expenses if you are not looking for support from the father of this baby. Does he pay maintenance as well as all the educational expenses? Why do you expect to make no financial contribution to these expenses, or is it that you cover their day to day expenses and he covers education?

You might be rocking the boat more than you think here, and asking a lot of your older children into the bargain.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645749#Comment_118645749

Well doesn't this also say something about the future child's welfare? There's a reasonable chance you'll be ill in future, how would that work with a baby if it doesn't work with four older kids now?

On the face of it from what you've said you could provide a nice upbringing for the child but there's absolutely no margin for error there, all you need is a bit of bad luck and things could go drastically wrong. A single parent looking to have a fifth child in order to occupy herself, or feel a connection or something equally self-centred, is frankly horrifying.

That said if you are having this child you absolutely can tell the father and no one else, I'd say you have a moral obligation to do so, both for his sake and the child's. And then it's up to them both how much they want to be in each others lives.

shesty

Ah OP...you don't want to do it.Don't force yourself to because you think it is "practical".

You're a mother, you know what it involves to have another child.I don't get the impression you could live easily with an abortion.Because whatever about the money or the father or whatever else, you have to live with that in your heart for the rest of your life.Can you do that?Your kids need a mammy who is well and able....I don't get the feeling you would be the better for ending this pregnancy.It has to be your decision, amd yours alone, don't feel it needs to be jusitifed to anyone else.

@bubblypop

The way you speak about the man you are riding, like he is a child, is really weird.

--------------------------------

Edit: sorted for you @bubblypop 😉

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646004#Comment_118646004

This certainly sounds much better. It's not an easy question and there's no "Right" answer, but I think you're closer to one with this approach.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645749#Comment_118645749

Extrapolate this out for the next 12-odd years and ask yourself if you're really in a position to have this baby. If you have no one to look after you now, then who are you going to turn to when the sh*t hits the fan at any other time during their childhood?

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646038#Comment_118646038

He pays the minimum amount of child support required by law plus he pays for private education and big expenses. Whether he likes it or not it is in the divorce settlement. Trust me he can afford it. He is still able to live the lifestyle we had when we were married with his new girlfriend. He will not be happy about the concrete evidence that I have not actually joined a nunnery since he left though...

shesty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645787#Comment_118645787

Can I also just say here ....this is a life lesson for this lad if ever there was one.Do you realise you sound like his sisters "the family baby, the one that deserves to go far".If he is that intelligent, then he should have copped by now that sex - unprotected sex - with many women, and assuming there are no consequences for that, is not the brightest idea.Furthermore, (if he is that intelligent), then he should be able to afford to support you a bit.

I am not saying you go through with it to teach him a life lesson, but I am saying,since you are leaning that way, it's a lesson he needs.And while it does suck for you (and again, this is not a reason for you to go through with it), it is saving some girl of 23 or 24 with no support, no experience of mothering, nothing, to find herself in this situation in time, while he continues to have his fun.

Don't worry too much about him, he is as responsible for this as much as you are.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646068#Comment_118646068

When I talked it through with her her reasoning was that I didn't want to have to explain to my teenagers what was going on. No one wants to have to tell their teenage kids that their mother is having an abortion and they have to mind her. I am going off the advice of the woman who was by my side while I brought four kids into the world. I trust her. I am very rarely sick.

Believe me I am inspecting the aspect that maybe I am being selfish just wanting a baby to love. It's not a great reason to have a child. But the thought of having a termination is hitting me at an emotional level. Head or heart? Its not an easy choice...

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646080#Comment_118646080

Nothing about this situation is particularly normal. I am aware.

Hannibal_Smith

I think you should talk to someone, either your GP or make contact with My Options. If you look on the HSE website there's a webchat option there, if you find that more comfortable. It reads as though you're spiralling and jumping from solution to solution without thinking anything through. It would be worth talking to someone who can break everything down with you and help you.

Igotadose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645803#Comment_118645803

Scaremongering at its finest. Midwives are well known anti- choice. Try your GP. The longer you wait the more challenging it becomes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646331#Comment_118646331

No one would have to look after you, a termination isn't like a big operation, there would be no need to tell your kids.

Idle Passerby

OP on the topic of medical abortion, you would be best to have the first day and night to yourself to take the pills and start the process. Maybe have a friend there for emotional support. But once the first night is over no one need know what your experiencing. You'll bleed for a few weeks and have a medical check up to make sure it's gone ok. There's no need for your children to be aware what's happening.

Senature

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646274#Comment_118646274

Maintenance can be revisited, by either party. I'm also not aware of any minimum amount required by law. I'm really making the point that it's strange for one father to be seen as a kid whose life you don't want to ruin by telling him he has a child and the other as someone who despite paying for private education and college fees for 4 kids in addition to maintenance and you having a mortgage free home is described as paying the legal minimum and he can well afford it.

Is there other factors at play here that you are keeping out of the conversation? It's probably a good idea to get advice from a counsellor or other professional. You sound like you have already decided what you will do and I wish you the best.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646331#Comment_118646331

Well to be fair, there are much worse reasons to have a child than wanting one to love, and it's not like you're some naïve waif who doesn't know what she's getting into. Head or Heart? I think it's fine to make a purely emotional decision where it's only yourself involved, but there are many other people involved, not the least 5 kids. So some rationality must come into it too. That doesn't mean don't go ahead with it, just that you need to make provision for those things.

For instance, say you were very ill, the father of 4 would look after his kids presumably but who would look after number 5? Same if you were debilitated, or died. What if you were unable to work? Or what if the child had special needs which are much more than your existing kids could help with? etc. etc. There are lots of things which you should be considering and planning to mitigate in a way that a more traditional family wouldn't need to.

Again these are not necessarily reasons to terminate the pregnancy, and the amount of love you can give your child is an excellent place to start from, but it still feels like you're looking with some rose-tinted glasses here.

Hmm..battening down the hatches and staying at home with a newborn..work has dryed up anyway over covid...get by with being frugal......you still have four other kids that will demand your attention and as good a mother as you are that's going to be difficult .....you could get post natal depression ...who knows ...that would make it very hard.....you have a hard decision to make ..I'd keep the gay fellow out of it...not a very good decision..as hard as your life is now...it's going to get alot harder...if your going ahead I'd recommend telling the father and the sisters are going to have to know .they might be angry at the start but when they come around could be a good source of support.you will find it hard to do on your own...wishing you all the best.

Igotadose

Earlier in the thread someone said that a pregnancy at age 40 wasn't risky. FWIW the medical term is geriatric pregnancy. Here is a link describing it and associated risks to all involved. https://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/pregnancy-after-35#:~:text=for%20Pregnancy%20Problems%3F-,What%20Is%20Geriatric%20Pregnancy%3F,their%2040s%20have%20healthy%20babies.

starbaby2003

Are you sure that part of the reason you want to keep the baby isn’t to keep the connection to this guy. You say you are happy to just have a casual relationship with him but then talk about him like he is the best thing since the slice pan. People think having someone’s baby will keep them. It 100% will not.

Curse These Metal Hands

To be honest, the way you describe teenagers coming to you for advice rather than their parents coupled with your subsequent relations with a young man all sounds a bit predatory. Was this how you got close to the young lad, offering a shoulder to cry on?

ionapaul

OP, people in this thread are being FAR too hard on you, it's really over the top. Don't take too much of the advice on offer onboard, use this place as a sounding board and don't be too hard on yourself to boot! I think whatever you decide will be the right move, and it sounds like you know in your heart which way you'll go.

Segotias

It strikes me that your priorities are a bit messed up. You seem to have more concern over the sister's of a grown man coming for you, than the impact of having a fifth child on your existing 4 children.

Firstly he's an adult and continuously babying him is a recipe for disaster, god knows how many women this could happen too.

Secondly your gay friend probably wants a child of his own to raise not a part time roll in your life.

Thirdly, you've mentioned your older children would be a help, they may love babies but I doubt as they get older they'll want their fun taken away to be your childcare, they will also be heading off to college soon enough, will you be passing the childcare onto the next 2?

Inspite of whats been said having a child at 40 is risky, I had a friend who had a surprise pregnancy at 37, she found the pregnancy so much harder than her previous ones and then raising a new born even more difficult. Her child also has medical issues which is a strain on her in every way.

You've mentioned being concerned about recovering if you decided to have a termination but don't seem to have the same concerns for recovery after child birth, who will take your children if you go into labour in the middle of the night or have complications which lead you to have to stay longer.

The financial aspect is a big factor and banking on your ex and an arrangement which could be changed is very unfair on all of your children including the unborn one. You say you've a good quality of life now, this will change, babies are expensive even if you have a lot of stuff.

Whether you have the child or not is entirely your choice and you will do what you feel is best for all of you, how you go about it is very messed up based on what you've suggested, not telling the father until your past the abortion cut off, what is this going to accomplish?

Good luck with whatever you decide but drag your head out of the clouds!!

fits

OP I just want to say good luck with whatever you decide. People are being very harsh in here.

notAMember

This thread is a car crash, so many attacks on you OP, and here you are trying to do the right thing.

I think your post describing your next steps are logical and well thought out.

Good luck, and with your eldest being 15, you have good support here I think. Hopefully they will be a great support for you and your other children too. This often happens with these age gaps in families.

Donald Trump

If the sisters are that concerned for the little brother, they can help him pay towards the upkeep of his child if they want.

daheff

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644319#Comment_118644319

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644474#Comment_118644474

what if you tell the father and he doesn't want it. Will you get rid of it?

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645774#Comment_118645774

Well, to be fair, if a woman asks a man if he's wearing protection, she can usually check on-the-spot, so to speak.

Whereas if a man asks a woman whether it is "safe" he has to take her word from it. He still knowingly takes the risk of her being wrong (or else not being truthful ... which I am in no way saying was the case here).

A woman is rarely ultimately relying on a man to "look after" the contraception so I doubt that you can cast aspersions on her in this case that she was relying on him - sleazebag or not. So that is kind of irrelevant.

(Only exception to the above would be if the man claims he is infertile or had a vasectomy)