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Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

  • 16-02-2022 10:59pm
    Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    So at the ripe old age of forty I find myself pregnant. Again.

    I am a single parent to four children who I can just about afford because their father is solvent. I have zero family and little community support. A lot of my work has dried up because of Covid, I'm getting by by being frugal and am working from home.

    I am in a casual and clandestine relationship with the father of the child who is seventeen years my junior and fairly feckless. I haven't told him about the pregnancy and I would rather not.

    Everything about this situation screams that I should have an abortion. And yet...I love babies and I am a fantastic mother. My world has closed in so much over the last few years that staying at home with a newborn is quite appealing. As much as I know it's madness I would love to have another child. I am really struggling with going through with the practical steps required for termination. I have a gay friend who is desperate for a baby. A part of me wants to offer him the father role and leave my young lover out of it. They have the same skin, hair and eye colour and ethnicity.

    Am I batshit insane?

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on



  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    He will not deal. I know this to be true. He is young and has his whole life ahead of him. Also his sisters (who are of an age with me) will kill him and me.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear

    Perhaps its worth asking yourself, can you see him being mature enough to handle fatherhood and could he support his daughter? The chap could have his life ahead of him but just a bit different than a lot of youngsters his age. Many people go on to live fulfilling lives with kids. A lot of people will say keep the pregnancy or terminate it but give yourself time to process it . My heart goes out to you as I know whatever decision you make wont be easy x

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,750 ✭✭✭LillySV

    I think the life of the child is a lot more important than the other little concerns you have . You want the child and I don’t see why not? Cause you don’t think the daddy will want the child or because the sister of the guy won’t approve aren’t exactly important factors in comparison to that child’s right to life. Anyways how can u be sure that he won’t want the child…. I’m a man and didn’t know if I’d like a child, when I had one it’s all my life is about now… love him more than anything and surprised everyone … maybe that dad could be the same ? Anyways If the father doesn’t want the child, lose the loser and claim one parent family to support yourself

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  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    I know this would never happen. His career is just taking off. He is very ambitious and I want this for him. I don't want to tie him down. And I don't particularly want to have a child with him. I would prefer for him to live his life and be all he can be. He is the success story of the family which is why I think the sisters would not be happy. He is the baby of the family, the only boy, and they are very protective of him. I feel protective of him too, to be honest. I don't want to ruin his life.

  • Registered Users Posts: 11,096 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus

    Fair play for wanting to keep the baby. Little bugger deserves a chance. The father should be told however. You've already explored the aspect of not telling him so him not wanting to be apart of the child's life doesn't sound like a problem for you.

    Only my two cents anyways. I'm not the one expecting a baby so my opinion holds no weight.

  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    I'm aware of how mental it sounds! Which is why I ask if I am batshit insane.

    My gay friend has been looking for someone to have his baby for ages which is why I thought of it. He asked me but I said no because I was too old and at the time I had work outside the home that having a child would have interfered with.

    To be fair it wasn't so long ago that that was how we dealt with these kind of things in this country. Not that I want to go back there! But there are more people than you'd think raising kids that are not their own.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9 ScottSchultz

    You are not crazy, you are just dealing with many things at once and with a deadline.

    Above everything, the choice is yours and yours only. Personally I'd say that If you want, keep it but you need to tell the father. About your gay friend it could work but sounds so risky and unfortunately you and your baby would suffer the most.


    Edited to remove video - posting videos is against the Charter and the OP should seek proper advice if going down that route.

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on

  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    Ok, from the responses I can see that the pretending the child belongs to my gay friend is in fact completely nuts. I suspected so, but I am really trying to think outside the box.

    The father is very ambitious about his work. He is very talented and smart, the one in the family who deserves to go far.

    But he is feckless with women. There are a lot of tears shed in this town over him. He's never been able to be faithful to a woman and he is forever getting himself in trouble (case in point). He has admitted that one of the things he values about our arrangement is that I have no interest in walking into the sunset with him. I do not care if he's sleeping with ten different girls all the way down the coast, which he almost certainly is.

    I have been very badly damaged by my previous marriage and have not had a traditional 'partner' since. I really can't see myself entering into a relationship again. But the thought of having an abortion when I really do want this child hurts my heart.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,985 ✭✭✭c.p.w.g.w

    I know a couple of lads, who in their 20's were like that...

    Personal Life's were messy, partying, lots of sexual partners, seemed all over the place/seemed to be living for the moment...but in work, 100% professional and dedicated(including doing college part time yet telling none of us) much so both now earn close to 6 figures in their early 30's, home owners and have settled down

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,605 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    I really can't see myself entering into a relationship again. But the thought of having an abortion when I really do want this child hurts my heart.

    I don't think anyone is suggesting entering into a relationship with him.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,197 ✭✭✭SteM

    How do you think you're going to have a child without the father realising its his? It sounds like you know his sisters, someone will tell him you're pregnant. Have the child if you want but tell him he has a child at least.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,533 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    Maybe you should put the abortion thoughts on hold while getting an STI check because the results might be key for your final decision. Whatever you decide to do you, you really need to to have a rethink of your priorities.

    I’m the last person to criticise people for casual sex but you are playing a dangerous game here and you are putting a lot at stake here.

  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    Both of us are pretty invested in no one finding out that we have been sleeping together. It doesn't reflect particularly well on either of us. I'd rather tell no one who the father is and have the town whispering behind their fingers than have everyone know and have his sisters coming after me with pitchforks for ruining the golden boy's future. He's certainly not the first to be in my bed since my marriage ended but I am generally discreet...maybe it was a Spanish sailor...

    I know he does not want a child, not now and maybe not ever. He got one of my friend's daughter's pregnant a while back and he came panicking to me about it. She had an abortion in the end but he was really scared. I just don't want to do that to him.

  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    Even a co-parenting relationship. It's still a partnership of sorts. I'd rather just have the baby by myself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 161 ✭✭Sile Na Gig

    I have just had a clean STI check and full bloods, thank you. I am aware that the situation and my behaviour is less than ideal!

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 9,588 Mod ✭✭✭✭Manach

    The unborn is a human as well and has the potenital to live the full life similar to any other.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,444 ✭✭✭California Dreamer

    He may be the baby of the family but he has to be old enough to know if he puts A into B then there is a chance that C might happen. Was it failed birth control or lack of condoms etc? Not that its important but there has to be some responsibility on his behalf. He may bail and not see you or the kid again but there is also a chance that he might do his best to support his child.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 6,217 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


This discussion has been closed.