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Child Item

Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Sile Na Gig

So at the ripe old age of forty I find myself pregnant. Again.

I am a single parent to four children who I can just about afford because their father is solvent. I have zero family and little community support. A lot of my work has dried up because of Covid, I'm getting by by being frugal and am working from home.

I am in a casual and clandestine relationship with the father of the child who is seventeen years my junior and fairly feckless. I haven't told him about the pregnancy and I would rather not.

Everything about this situation screams that I should have an abortion. And yet...I love babies and I am a fantastic mother. My world has closed in so much over the last few years that staying at home with a newborn is quite appealing. As much as I know it's madness I would love to have another child. I am really struggling with going through with the practical steps required for termination. I have a gay friend who is desperate for a baby. A part of me wants to offer him the father role and leave my young lover out of it. They have the same skin, hair and eye colour and ethnicity.

Am I batshit insane?

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Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644884#Comment_118644884

I could not give a feck what the town thinks. My reputation is already in tatters here and I still hold my head high. I worry about ruining a bright young man's future for my selfish desire to keep the child. And the sisters...they love me but they are formidable. They could make life very difficult for us both. I'd be happier to hide away with my mystery baby.

Jequ0n

Ruin his future? You won’t be the only one who will end up keeping his baby if he keeps going at this rate.

Anyway, up to you. Best of luck.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644908#Comment_118644908

It was a full week before ovulation. I told him it would be ok. It's always been ok before. I'm usually very on to it with my cycle. So if it was anyone's fault it was mine.

I don't particularly want him to take responsibility, I just want him to be free to succeed. I don't particularly want a baby with him. I didn't particularly want another baby at all (although I do every time I see a baby). But now that I'm pregnant I don't think I can bring myself to let it go.

I am beginning to realise from the responses on here that both myself and his sisters and half the young wans in this town have been letting him away with murder and making excuses for him because he is a) breathtakingly beautiful b) extremely talented c) very charming.

notAMember

Nobody ruins anyone's life by bearing their child, so park that thought. Father's have it a lot easier than mothers, they can chose to be involved or not and don't have to actually do anything with their bodies. Perhaps you are thinking about the financial strain on him?

40 is a perfectly reasonable age to have a child, plenty of women are even having their first at that age. My grandmother had her youngest at age 50.

Don't worry a bit about having a complicated family, it's not uncommon these days. I've cousins on their 2nd or 3rd marriage by their 40's , with children from all those relationships.

Maybe have a think through each of the various scenarios, and what your choices and options are.

Finances will be your main trouble I'd say, but might be helped by you already having older children. Clothes, baby things, cot etc you might already have? It's the first couple of children are most expensive. And perhaps your eldest will be a help? What age are the others?

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644913#Comment_118644913

There is nothing selfish in raising the child. I cannot understand how having baby will ruin his golden future. And stop worring about his sisters reactions. They don,t sound formidable. They sound like townie headwreckers

Eircom_Sucks

he deserves to know and how dare you keep that from him , selfish

Canis Lupus

If you're not involving the dad how are you planning on affording the child if you're already struggling and have zero family support.

[Deleted User]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You're not crazy at all, its your maternal instinct kicking in. You have children already, you're not going into this blind, you know whats involved in raising a child.

But you're also wise enough to know the path you're going to go down is not going to be an easy one. It will also be an adjustment for your four children.

I would strongly encourage you to tell the father. He may opt not to be involved - and you should discuss that option with him - but he does have the right to know. His family do not have the right to know, if you both choose to keep the matter private.

I would also strongly encourage you to tell him if only so his details can be registered on your child's birth certificate. This would be very important to me, you may not have thought that far ahead yet.

Because you child will want to know who their father is. That may be 18 years from now, but they deserve an accurate recording of both their birth parents on their birth certificate, as it is a legal document that will follow them all their life.

I wish you the very best of luck.

(eta) ask your friend to be your child's godfather. But do not confuse this with any parental role. The more positive male figures in any child's life, the better!

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644993#Comment_118644993

My kids are 15, 13, 10 and 8. The age gap between my eldest and the father is the same as between my eldest and youngest, and the same as between my youngest and what this child will be. Thats a mind ****!

My eldest two are great with babies and love them. I would have everything I need for the early years. My worry would be when they get older not having the same privileges as the big kids because their dad and dad's family provide a lot for them.

Financial strain yes but also mental and emotional. He needs to concentrate on his work. Most of the young girls he has been involved with have wanted to tie him into something serious but he's always wanted to be wild and free and I think that was the appeal of what we have for him.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645019#Comment_118645019

I know! I know it isn't practical. The best thing I could do for everyone involved would be to terminate. But my heart says I want to keep the child. Yes, I know it's selfish!

Eircom_Sucks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645087#Comment_118645087

sounds like you wanted this all along and the fact you dont want the dad involved and using stupid excuse as to why you don't want him involved

now your other 4 kids will suffer because a newborn will restrict things that you do with them

selfish

[Deleted User]

"I have a gay friend who is desperate for a baby. A part of me wants to offer him the father role and leave my young lover out of it. They have the same skin, hair and eye colour and ethnicity."

If you are suggesting that you lie to the child's father, and then the child, about who is the father of the child, that's absolutely disgusting.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645108#Comment_118645108

Believe me I did not want this! But I am here now and I am finding it hard to do the right thing which would be to terminate when I know in my heart I would love the child. Maybe I should just put my feelings aside and do the practical thing and get an abortion.

Mr. CooL ICE

Whatever choice you decide to take, don't bring a child into this world and raise it based on a lie.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645132#Comment_118645132

Yes I realise now this is completely insane. Just trying to spare the father the stress and give my friend the baby he really wants. I think the idea of making him godfather would be lovely though.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645153#Comment_118645153

That's a good idea. The other way would just cause untold misery for all concerned later down the line.

Best of luck with everything.

Igotadose

A fifth child without a father.... What will happen to them if something bad happens to you? And it's a high risk pregnancy (you're older than 40) Risk of congenital problems, Downs, is higher the older you get. Be sure to get tested, you wouldn't want to have a disabled child on top of everything else.

Best of luck with your choice, it's great you can now make it without consequence in Ireland.

CrookedJack

I find it quite shocking that you've not really mentioned the child's welfare at all in this. You go into lots of detail about your wants and needs, and the fathers potential and needs, but nothing about the child.

What standard of living can you give it, now and in the future? Can you afford another child, unsupported? You talk about being a pariah in town, won't that also apply to the child?

And then there's the child's right to having a father? You're effectively denying the child that, just because you don't want to hurt golden boy and want a new baby all to yourself. This all sounds so shockingly self-centered it's breathtaking.

I suggest you rethink this all from the angle of what's best for the child, not the golden boy, not you.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645153#Comment_118645153

Have him as a father figure, absolutely if he is of the right calibre, but suggest acknowledge the birth father from the get go. Kids, in particular boys, do better with a father figure, whether biological, uncle, grandad or other

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644459#Comment_118644459

Not so much of a success story when he's knocking up women 17 years his senior.

Eircom_Sucks

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645207#Comment_118645207

called a legend in some circles ha ha

Pussyhands

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644849#Comment_118644849

This is crazy.

You're thinking of having a fellas baby who is 17 years younger than you and has already got another woman pregnant before? Hope for the childs sake the right decision is made because the poor child sounds like they would grow up with a lot of half siblings.

foxsake

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118644913#Comment_118644913

how would you ruin his future? I was ambitious or whatever at his age when I found out my first child was due.

By all measures I'm doing pretty well - few years older than you are at the moment. worked out fine.

He is an adult. Your posts seem to treat him like he doesn't have his own agency - which begs the question why were you engaging with him in the first place?

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645181#Comment_118645181

Our standard of living is by objective standards higher than most. It's lower than it has been in years but we have the basics. Roof over heads - I have a very large, beautiful and comfortable home with land, absolute wonderland for children. Food on table - we can no longer afford to eat out at restaurants or getting take aways but I am an excellent cook and we eat well and healthily. Love in the home - I know my older children would love and care for a baby. The older two in particular are very fond of babies. We have enough baby gear to get through the first few years. Child would have hand me downs for sure but I don't see this as a hardship. I am objectively a great mother. All my kids are smart, kind, well adjusted. People come to me for baby advice and I am always the parent the teenagers come to when they can't talk to their own mum and dad. We have no tv and no devices and a house full of art and music. Things we have to do without since money got tight are things like holidays, but we have a big tent and brought kids camping fairly close to home, they were happy. Horses, we can't afford anymore but the kids don't seem to miss it too much and this one would never grow up with that. I do worry about the child not having a father. I do worry about what public opinion will mean for them as a person, but also my other children, particularly the eldest. I know that some of the other boys at school give him a hard time about having a 'MILF'. He has learned from me to not particularly care for what people say or think though. I worry about not being able to pay school fees for the child. The other children's father pays for this. But at least the youngest will be out of primary school by the time the child goes to school so it won't be such a difference if they are not going to the same school.

I know that it would be better practically for the father and for me if the child were dead. But I can objectively say that the life I could provide the child would be a) better than death, b) better than what a lot of two parent families provide.

laoisgem

This has to be a wind up 🤨

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645374#Comment_118645374

it has taken that turn, it sounds like a sexed up maeve binchy novel or something.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645297#Comment_118645297

I was his age when I found out my first child was due too. But I was in a solid relationship with someone with a hefty paycheque.

I suppose I am treating him like a child because I have known him since he was a teenager and I have seen him literally shed tears of fear over the fact he might have to become a father and what it would mean for his career.

I am sleeping with him because he is a welcome and very attractive distraction from how dull life has become over the last few years. And I do not want a partner and he is not going to go shouting about it. And I am very fond of him. I just don't particularly want to go around adulting with him.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645374#Comment_118645374

I desperately wish that it were.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118645404#Comment_118645404

Without totally doxxing myself, my job involves making people's boring lives sound exciting for consumption. It's a gift and a curse.

Wanderer78

possible abortion, and a very quick visit to a counsellor/therapist! best of luck