Never been in a relationship

Mad_maxx

Absolutely try online dating OP , you come across perfectly typical to me , you are most likely judging yourself too harshly , not that unusual for those long term single ,don't expect to strike gold online immediately but you will benefit from practice

Potential dates need not know about you're dating history and anyone who judges you on it is not worth it anyway

Mad_maxx

Also OP, be careful of trusting any wannabe online psychologist who without knowing a thing about you ,has the arrogance to diagnose you with autism or any other ailment, perhaps you have it but let a qualified professional work that out and only if you decide you want an assessment in the first place

Lovestruck22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550653#Comment_118550653

Hi op. First of all, well done on opening this thread and for your honesty. It wasn't easy to type all of that out.

I've read all the comments and concur with most of them. To find the best therapist, I would definitely talk to your GP - they will know you and your needs. Don't do any tests online for the diagnosis of autism/asperger's - there are people out there who take advantage of people and because you looked for assessment, they will diagnose and this will have terrible results on you. Talk to your GP about assessments as well.

Finding someone. Until about six weeks ago, I was in your position and was happy with my lot and had the idea that I would be single for life. Years ago, I did register for the online apps but expected nothing from it. I would check every week and might get the odd message but those conversations died away. Anyway, before Christmas, I messaged a girl and she responded! We have met several times since then and we have so much in common! She is a cracking lady and I'm very lucky. I am terrified with some aspects (see my thread about first love) but I'm so comfortable in hed company that that stuff is miniscule. So I would register and take it with a pinch of salt.

There are other ways to meet ladies/friends. Have you considered going to the gym/swimming pool? Pre covid, I was a regular in my swimming pool and I met loads of friends/acquaintances etc. I don't know what you work as but Macra na Feirme could be a good place to meet new people with similar interests.

As someone suggested, a dog might be a good companion to start with. This will also increase your self esteem - a dog doesn't care what you look like as long as you are kind and feed them :) There is nothing like the welcome of a dog when you come home in the evening.

Finally, go easy on yourself. Everyone has different qualities and traits, some can be changed, some can't. You've identified areas for improvement. Find ways of interacting with people - even a chat with cashier in the supermarket - it will build your confidence. Counselling will definitely help you realise your strengths and find ways of overcoming your weaknesses. Best of luck OP.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058230389/never-been-in-a-relationship

Would you try a dating agency?

I wouldn’t recommend online dating for a man unless you are good looking and have confidence

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551132#Comment_118551132

Hi Sonic. I would advise to try online dating, but not as a means of meeting a long term partner, more as a means of getting out there and learning how to interact in conversations. Be prepared to cringe at some of the dates you have, but to be honest, its better to get out there than not.

A lot of what you describe about yourself are also attributes I recognise in myself from when I was younger - socially awkward, struggle to maintain conversations with new people, generally introverted, not doing enough to maintain friendships and hence losing contact with many of the friends I did have and above all a chronic fear of what could go wrong if I did put myself out there with a girl. What changed for me was in my late twenties I had a realisation that what I was missing out with by not engaging in life was far more important than what I would risk in terms of self esteem by taking a risk. At 27 I could not have imagined a future that did not have me living alone, not through choice, but due to my self imposed inability to engage in life

I started making the effort to turn up for any and every work night out or event that happened, even if often I was on the periphery. Made a few acquaintances from work who I would meet up with on occasion. I got friendly with a girl from that group and completely misread the situation and made a bit of a fool of myself by expressing my feelings, but you know what, everyone needs to make a fool of themselves a least once and the only way you will build the type of relationship you are looking for is by expressing your feelings. I started online dating, and to be honest it was a disaster in terms of actually finding someone, but what it did give me was more confidence when talking with women. I started to find that when I did meet someone new I was more confident in the conversation and whereas previously I always kept my guard up. Eventually I did meet someone and built from an initial acquaintance, to flirting, dating and now happily married with two kids.

I would also advise you seek counselings to help you. While I changed a lot in my life, in the early years of my marriage I was still not as open with myself as you need to be to share your life with someone else. This could have been fatal to the marriage, however we worked on it and I got counselling that helped me to recognise what I needed to do differently. The most important thing is its not about changing who you are, just learning to be comfortable in who you are and in sharing that with other people.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118564740#Comment_118564740

This is tremendous advice, very warm and positive. OP I hope you can read this and take it in.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118564740#Comment_118564740

That is a savage post thanks so much for taking the time to write it. I've been keeping an eye on this thread hoping there would be a few more responses to it and I'm glad I did.

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow to get some blood work done and I'll also be asking him if he knows any good therapists that I can see.

Whenever I try online dating it'll pretty much be just to put myself out there a bit more. I have no expectations at all really I just want to interact with people

NiceFella

I was the very same. I'd be so nervous I'd say something rediculous. It's all self confidence really and just learning to stop using your own brain to to beat yourself up and castastrophising. At least it was in my case.

Here is an amazing book that helped me enormously.

The six pillars of self esteem by Natahaniel Branden.

And another; How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.

BorneTobyWilde

Online people are judged on what they look like full stop. I think online dating would be a waste of time.............unless of course you look the ''expected part''.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118565576#Comment_118565576

OK. Do you have any suggestions though about what avenue I could go down instead? Would it not be worth a shot just on the off chance that I might meet someone nice - in addition to joining a club or something

Goodigal

I say try out both OP. You sound like you're willing to put yourself out there and change your current situation. And thats brave!

Online dating can be fun if you want it to be. And to be fair, it's not all about looks when you find things in common and have a laugh in a text chat. Arrange walks/coffees for easier chat than a meal or a drink where you might find conversation difficult or lacking. But if you don't treat it seriously, you could meet people who may end up just being a new friend, and not a partner. And widen your social network that way. Joining a club or social group too can only help further with conversation skills.

You sound like you're ready to go for it - so do!! Good luck!

rolling boh

You do sound you are prepared to make a real effort that's a good start . I know it's easier said than done but you have to put yourself in situations where you are mixing with people so that you get plenty of practice at talking to others .Obviously you don't have to see everybody you meet as a life partner but the more you are out there you will pick up the social skills that everybody should have .You will soon know how to read the social situations and who might be a partner or just a friend or acquaintance. I know it's always churned out but getting involved in an interest is a great start .Best of luck .

mohawk

Hi OP,

best of luck finding a therapist that suits your needs. Many of the things you describe about yourself I could say same about myself. As you can see from this thread lots of us feel out of our comfort zones in social situations. You come across well in your posts.

Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for how you live your life. There is an element of fake it until you make it in that process. You are prone to putting yourself down and if you do that often enough you will start to believe it. It’s a habit you have and it’s a habit you can break and start a new better habit.

Also my tip when I am struggling to make small talk to get the other person to talk about themselves.

Wanderer78

as others have said op, you re showing classic signs of autism, assessment is the only way of confirming this, id recommend going private for this, as you ll lose the will to live going public, but this wont be cheap, expect a bill in excess of a grand or two! your gp is the first port of call, assessment is critical for many reasons, as it can dictate therapy approaches, cbt being the preferred for us spectrumors! id also recommend the work of clinical psychologist tony attwood for more info on autism

SupaCat95

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118581251#Comment_118581251

I agree with the best part of this post. The HSE psychologists and the GPs dont want to touch the subject of autism. Nobody is going to get you a diagnosis except going private. The cost of a private diagnosis is cheap compared to continuing a life of misery. Aspire.ie keep a list of autism specialist psychologists. Tony Attwood wrote the bible for us on Aspergers but Professor Temple Grandin (see youtube and HBO Series) and Professor Simon Baron-Cohen (Sacha Baron Cohens Uncle) have also contributed some amazing work too.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551132#Comment_118551132

The thing is OP. There is a sock for every shoe.

I'm sure there are many ladies out there who what you see is what you get.

So stop thinking that any potential partner hasn't their own hang ups or quirks.

I'd say just bite the bullet and find a reputable site for mature people and sign up.

But more importantly try expand your social circle. The GAA are always looking for people to volunteer. I can attest it's a brilliant way to meet people and make acquaintances and maybe friends.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118581251#Comment_118581251

Currently the only way to get an adult assessment in Ireland is privately. I used adultautism.ie and it cost €850. I have seen other places charging close to 2k but they also diagnose ADHD etc.

Smiley283

I honestly think that its great that you know what you want and you have made the decision that you want to embrace change in your life.

I don't get the vibe from your post that that you're sitting there with a defeatist attitude and are just sitting pitying yourself, which is such an easy mindset to revert to!

You know yourself that in order to get a different outcome you're going to try something different.

I would suggest that you contact some counsellors and tell them you want to work with them to gain a healthier level of self esteem/ confidence. Not every counsellor is going to be suited to everyone so if you don't feel like you're getting much from a particular therapist don't hesitate in trying to find someone else. You will eventually find someone you feel you vibe with!

I went for counselling in the past for my confidence issues and they bassically just got me to go back over times in my life that might have triggered it and I found being bullied as a child affected my self esteem and I carried that forward into early adulthood. I unraveled all the complicated emotions and my though process and i haven't looked back. I now know how to identify my triggers and have practices in place that help me from spiraling back into my old teenage mindset.

This is a bit random for me to say but I also discovered what attachment style I had when it came to relationships. I discovered I was a fearful avoidant. I back away from relationships for self preservation. People aim to have a secure attachment style for optimal relationships so a counsellor might help you to figure out your attachment style and methods in how to be securely attached so you dont run into problems when you do eventually get into a relationship.

For me, once I got to the stage where I genuinely 'loved' myself again, I was able to identify boundaries and desired values in relationships and friendships. In doing this I had to end certain friendships (detach with love) because our values didn't align. I have a tiny group of friendships now but I have been so much happier!

Sometimes social media can trigger me and make me jealous of other people with, what looks like, an endless supply of friends to do activities with but I have to remind myself that I value really trusting, deep connected friendships rather than mere drinking buddies.

It's not for me to tell you what to do but i feel like if you stay committed to becoming the best version of yourself and really deciding what you want to achieve and how you want your life to look in 6 months time/ 12 months time etc, you'll move mountains!

I wouldnt really dwell too much on the fact that you find it difficult to make conversation. I think anyone trying to chat someone they don't have anything in common with is going to struggle to keep the conversation going. Maybe it would be good for you to make a list of your current interests and then try and research if there are any other hobbies connected to your interests that are more social. Even if you just chanced your arm and tries something out of your comfort zone because you know it's a social event. Even if you took up running, you could join a running group, volunteer at different events. You'll all be there with a common purpose and can steer the conversation into the event so it'll break the ice a bit.

You could even go on social media and look up personal shoppers and just put yourself out there and book an appointment with them and they can help direct you in how to present yourself and what outfits suit your etc. That could help you gain confidence in your appearance.

You'll have done so much work on your personal development you'll probably become attractive to plenty of women because you'll be exude confidence and you'll be capable of forming a healthy relationship when the time is right because you won't be in a scarcity mindset and settling for anything that comes your way and then feeling deflated if it doesn't work out or their is conflict.

Best of luck with it all