Never been in a relationship

sonic85

Hey how's it going? I'm looking for a bit of advice and maybe the good people here can help me out a bit. I can't see any way of making my post anonymous but feck it I don't really think it matters.

I'm not good with people full stop. Socially im awkward and struggle to maintain conversation with people - bar for the first few minutes of small talk but then I run out of stuff to say and kill the chat stone dead. I've been like that as long as I can remember really - always been a bit on the shy side and struggle with confidence and I think in order to not get hurt either in romantic endeavours or with friends I just put up a bit of a shield and it never came down. So whatever friends I had I lost and it meant I never had a relationship of any description with a woman. Don't get me wrong I had opportunities - but due to my complete lack of any kind of social ability and also my crippling shyness around the fairer sex they came to nought.

Honestly I don't really know what to do at this point. I want what other people have. I want a few friends - people I can get on with have a bit of a laugh with. Maybe if I could find the right woman form a relationship with someone I care about and who cares about me. The problem is I don't know how.

For a long long time I tried to convince myself I was happy enough with the situation I'm in. I went my own way did my own thing. I'm not into pubs and clubs and what's the point in going to either when I'd be there on my own standing in the corner watching everyone else interact. I have my own hobbies but they're not exactly social affairs and even if they were I don't think I'd be able to make actual friendships through them.

I turned 36 about a month ago. I'm the most bothered I've ever been about this. Seriously I dont want to be in my 70s or 80s looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the fcuk have I done with my life.

My problem is I'm now in my mid thirties and even though I know I'm a fairly decent person at heart I think I come across as a weirdo. The best day ever I'd have a fairly dour demeanour - not that I'm miserable or anything but I'm not the happiest or jolliest (is that a word?!) looking chap which wouldn't really endear me to people.

I don't know why I'm posting all this stuff - I'm just opening up myself to ridicule but at this point I don't really give a toss. I'm just hoping someone can give me some good constructive advice that might help me out a bit. I'm thinking of trying online dating just to see if I can meet a few people and try have some class of social contact but due to some of the stuff I've read on Boards and other places I don't know if there would be any point. I don't know if creating a profile and getting no responses would do anything for my self esteem! Might just be worth a try though.

I'd love some suggestions - even just a few small things maybe that I could change to try improve the situation I'm in.

Thanks for reading

km991148

You seem very harsh on yourself 'open to ridicule', 'weirdo' etc.

Go easy on yourself and go try things. Why not go on a few dates? You say that it might be bad for your of esteem but you have awareness and that's good I'd enough to get out there and speak to people. If one or two go bad then use that awareness and don't take it personally (bad dates happen all the time).

If you are generally down tho and find it hard to embrace life, would you consider talking to someone? Councillor or therapist etc?

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550653#Comment_118550653

How's things? Thanks for the reply. Yeah to be fair I'd be fairly good at putting myself down alright - again I've been like that as long as I can remember. I've always been hard on myself in pretty much every way. But again - I'm not particularly depressed or anything - don't get me wrong I have the very odd down day but overall I like life.

Go on a date with who?! I don't even know how I'd go about finding someone to go on a date with to be honest and like I said in my opening post my social awkwardness would spell disaster. I definitely think that I'd have to be around someone over a period of weeks or months to loosen up a bit and then I think the other person would get an idea of what I'm about.

I've definitely thought about seeing a therapist or something but again I don't even know how I'd go about it. Honestly this thread is the first time I've ever brought any of this up. I've suppressed all this stuff for years

Is it possible you have autism or Asperger's...? Plenty of online tests to see if you are on the spectrum.people with aspergers are usually quiet ,shy and socially arkward .autism and Asperger's were not routinely diagnosed back 30 years ago when you were born so it's a possibility...

Caranica

Do you have any social hobbies or interests? Team sports, hiking groups, drama groups, musical societies, night classes? Widening your circle will change your life.

If you were to join a musical society for example, you're likely to be outnumbered at least 5-1, or more, by women depending on the society. It also gives you something to talk about. Walking/hiking clubs tend to be predominantly women too.

And finally, before you can love anyone else, or be attractive to good people, you need to love yourself. I'm sure you have a lot going for yourself, a therapist might help you realise this.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550853#Comment_118550853

It wouldn't be totally surprising to be honest - I just looked up the signs of it there and I definitely have a few.

CrookedJack

A lot of this rings very true for me too OP. AS a 40-year old man it's difficult to talk about somethings, and to be vulnerable but I certainly wouldn't be someone with many friends and have not been in a romantic relationship in many years. You are certainly not alone, there are many more of us out there than you'd think. I definitely know the dread of waking up one day as a pensioner realising that I'd not made any meaningful connections with the world.

I have recently started talking to a psychotherapist to help with many issues - but one large one is negative self-talk and self-loathing. It has become an insidious habit with me that lead to terrible social anxiety and lots of sadness. I would strongly urge you to seek counselling or therapy. If it is helpful I can talk you through how I found my therapist and what the sessions are like for me. Feel free to reach out if there's anything I can help you with.

Liberty_Bear

Maybe the relationship you need first is a relationship with yourself. Recognise those qualities in yourself that are your strengths and play to them. Maybe you are funny, are loyal, reliable, motivated or any number of other things. I agree with the posters above, dont be harsh on yourself. I had a chat with my best friend this afternoon, I come across as this confident, very assertive guy but lately that has been faltering. We go through these patches. List down your good attributes and how you can build on them and use them

km991148

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550704#Comment_118550704

I probably shouldn't have linked being down with therapy.

Therapy can be a good tool to get to know yourself and what you want from life. Don't look for CBT but rather psychoanalytic/classic style if you are searching.

..

Also when I said go on dates I meant the apps. But if you aren't ready for that then it's not for you at the moment.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550956#Comment_118550956

I used to play team sports quite a bit but found I wasn't really good enough and gave up. I've tried getting into other sports clubs over the years with no real success. I find it pretty hard to gather motivation to do any physical activities after work - I'd be in a relatively physical job. Yeah I've read those suggestions here before about clubs and stuff it's a good suggestion if I could find something I'd like doing.

Do you have to love yourself to be in a relationship or be attractive to other people though? I'm sure there's plenty of people in relationships that don't like certain aspects of themselves and it doesn't hold them back?

Anybody have any suggestions for what I should be looking for in a therapist? I just googled it there and there are therapists for basically everything!

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551047#Comment_118551047

Cheers Jack I appreciate that. I'll try come up with a few questions to ask and get back to you

Caranica

If you look at the threads on this forum about bad relationships and break ups, 9 times out of 10 you'll find the OP isn't confident/has body issues/puts themselves down etc. These people have had relationships, but not good ones. Vulnerable people tend to attract people who take advantage of this.

And that's why I strongly feel you have to love yourself, believe in yourself, fight for yourself and be true to yourself. Being single is better than being in a bad relationship.

Someone here said try the apps, my advice is avoid the apps. Not going to do your confidence any good. Much better off to do the club/society thing. Be yourself rather than putting on an act for a date from an app.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551048#Comment_118551048

I definitely have good attributes - I think it's about trying to translate those attributes into something I can use to make a few friends and possibly meet a woman I can have a laugh with and possibly a bit more.

Honestly - thanks so much to everyone for your replies - even just typing out some of my thoughts is a bit cathartic! I've never had a conversation with anyone about any of this stuff before

hawley

Why not give online dating a go? The funny thing I found about online dating is that I tried it 4 years ago and went back to the same site in the last few months. I was surprised at how many of the same people were there. There must be a lot of people on it who don't have the slightest interest in actually dating anyone. You have to sort out the wheat from the chaff. First of all, just aim to get some dates on it.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551108#Comment_118551108

Team sports are good or volunteering. A few of the soup runs always are looking for people to help out. activelink.ie has a number of options.

As for meeting women - Tinder is fun (or so Im told lol!)

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551057#Comment_118551057

I'd have no problem trying online dating but my main issue there is that I wouldn't be putting on airs or graces or acting up - with me what you see is what you get and I don't know if that attitude would be compatible. I've no real interest in playing games at this point! But I definitely be more than willing to give it a shot

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551104#Comment_118551104

100% agree with your sentiment there - it's better to be single than in a bad relationship. I've seen a couple of people pretty close to me that have been in relationships that weren't good for them and I definitely don't want that!

km991148

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551132#Comment_118551132

There's no point dating if you are going to pretend to be someone or something you are not.

Would you want to meet someone who isn't comfortable to be themselves around you?

LJ12345

A lot of what you’ve written has resonated. I would call myself socially awkward and masked it when I was younger with drinking enough to socialise but I was never comfortable with most people and keeping those few friends that I love and miss dearly in my life is difficult as I haven’t been proactive enough and they’re spread around the world. I do think when you find someone you click with it’s all so much easier. I’m not from Ireland originally but I travelled before I met my partner and settled and met some great folk when doing that. I’d also suggest doing a Myers brigg personality test if you’re interested, I’m an INTP and it helped my understandIng of where I and others viewpoint comes from. There’s also not many INTP’s around so I’m a rare breed :)

Dont be hard on yourself, as others mentioned you need to find your own happiness first, when you’re happy in yourself it’ll all just flow.

if I was you I’d be looking into a singles holiday and view it as just a bit of fun. Don’t expect anything, just enjoy the company.

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551227#Comment_118551227

Definitely not but everything is so image based these days I think a lot of people can't help but play up for an audience.

acequion

OP, why do you want a relationship? Is it because you're lonely and yearn to connect or is it because that's what you think you should do?

If the former, fair enough, but if the the latter, you need to press pause and think. You say you're not depressed, that you like life and like your hobbies. That in itself is very positive. As other posters have said, you first have to be happy with yourself, love yourself and accept yourself. You're not mad about social situations, so what? Many of the world's most creative have been introverts and struggled in social situations. You don't have to be a social butterfly or in a couple to be happy, fulfilled, live a worthwhile life.

Now I hear you re the fear of growing old alone. Everyone shares that fear. But you can't force a relationship out of fear. I'm now in my 60s and I'm alone and may well end up that way but you know what, it's ok, because I'm happy in my own skin.

The Media bombards us with images of happy coupledom and babies. People on their own never feature and the subtext is that if you're alone you're a failure. And it's utter bollox. So again, ask yourself exactly why you want a relationship!

And wanting a relationship to connect is natural and beautiful. And you're only 36. So if you want to connect get out there and try. Try Internet dating. It's all practice at relating and practice does make perfect so get out there and try!

But OP, first you really have to relate to yourself, love yourself, be comfortable with yourself. And if you're not, definitely get some counselling and spend some time first on you. You are worth it. Best of luck!

locohobo

Hey up Sonic....

GOD!!....Reading your op it felt like I was looking at my own life story with one major alteration and MANY minor ones....(but thats a story for another day!)....

There are more of us out there than you could imagine....

What struck me most in your opening op was this>>>>

 "I'm not into pubs and clubs and what's the point in going to either when I'd be there on my own standing in the corner watching everyone else interact".....

Yes you may very well be there on your own for a while. But I have also come across many women that are also out on their own and would just welcome the chance to meet someone even just for a chat..

If you just go once or twice you are not allowing people the chance to get to firstly notice you and that you are alone, then secondly for them to work up enough courage to approach you and break the ice....

Just have a friendly chat.. Expect nothing!...Dont put yourself down by thinking you are not able for this because then you have already lost before you even try...If you feel the awkwardness rearing its ugly head just be upfront with whomever you're talking with. Dont go into great detail as they may not be ready for that, just let them know that you find it hard to interact...Even if ye are only chatting for a mere few mins. then thats the ice broken...Let them know that you really liked chatting with them and would love to have a chat again sometime. ..Always leave it open for them to approach you again....Remember also that many accidental encounters have lead to many incidental relationships......

Best of luck to you.......😎

sonic85

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118551444#Comment_118551444

Thanks very much for the reply I really appreciate it! It's very much the former I'm afraid - it hasn't really got anything to do with fitting in or doing what everyone else is doing. I just realised the other day that I'm missing out on so much. I feel very lonely a lot of the time. I want to be able to snuggle up on the couch with someone in front of the fire and watch Netflix. Go out to the cinema with someone and eat out in restaurants. Go for walks in the countryside and talk pure rubbish! The closest I've come to a real relationship with a woman was when I was in school - we'd chat on the phone for ages just talking crap and I loved it!

I have love and affection to give but no-one to give it to and I'm at a loss as to what I can do to rectify it! I'm definitely going to have to seriously consider talking to a professional

2 fast

Hello don't be so harsh on yourself.

Im the same age as you had never had a relationship or anything near one!

I would be quite outgoing and sociable and people are suprised that i struggle to have the confidence in dating...

You will be suprised when you actually put yourself out there you will see that you are not alone and the way people are on the outside is very deceiving.

Give coaching or counselling a try as well as online dating as you've nothing to lose.

Best of luck

DrZeuss

I want to be able to snuggle up on the couch with someone in front of the fire and watch Netflix. Go out to the cinema with someone and eat out in restaurants. Go for walks in the countryside and talk pure rubbish!

This might be very left field...but what about a dog in the interim, it'll get you out in the evenings to walk the block and so many folk stop to talk to dog walkers (will help your social conversation). It'll also give you an excuse to go walking in woods/countryside. I'd also recommend making a list of things you like doing, hobbies, positives and to use that to steer conversations. Its very easy to talk about things you enjoy and if the other person has the same likes, its a very easy conversation.

Hannibal_Smith

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@sonic85 there is a thread here which may be of help to you in finding a therapist.

Thanks

HS

rolling boh

Would think going on apps is not a good idea for someone with confidence issues far better to try and develop something with an interest or hobby and get into the habit of mixing with people .Seems to me apps are very often a numbers game so you need a thick skin to be on them .

sonic85

I've been looking at therapists there and to be honest it's kind of confusing - there seems to be a therapist for everything but I don't really know what category I fit into. Would it be a bad idea to send a few emails and maybe after a bit of back and forth direct them to my opening post here? At least it'll give them an idea of what way I'm feeling and if they can help me or not

sonic85

Also from doing a bit of reading I'm assuming it's a psychotherapist I'm looking for rather than a psychologist

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118553453#Comment_118553453

it can feel very overwhelming trying to pick out a therapist. Well done to you for taking the first step.

Just a suggestion - narrow down the list of therapists first, by e.g the ones local to you / your workplace/ wherever you think would work best for you. I believe many / most now have the facility to Zoom / Skype, because they had to adapt to that over the past two years. So, that means you can pick one in any location. And that might be what suits you best. Or, you might prefer to sit down face to face with someone.

Cost is another factor to consider. I'm not sure if any of them state on their websites what they charge per session. Ask the question, if not. I'm just throwing both of those suggestions out there as a means of hopefully helping to narrow down the choices a bit.

Your opening post is very well articulated. I suggest jotting down in bullet points, what you want to say before picking up the phone / making contact by email, with the therapists that you are considering.

It seems to me, to be mostly about building your confidence and being less harsh on yourself, as a starting point.

All the best.

acequion

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118553453#Comment_118553453

OP, re looking for a therapist, why not ask your GP for a recommendation! You don't have to explain why to your GP, patients seeking counselling is something GPs are used to. But I think it's better to get one recommended as there are charlatans out there and even among the professionals some are better than others and it's important to find one you feel comfortable talking to.

Also, there is no particular category. Any good psychotherapist /counsellor can help with a wide range of human issues. It's just talking to a sympathetic professional who will gently guide you towards feeling better about yourself and your life. Everyone needs a bit of that at some point in their lives.