No friends

unhappycamper30

I am so down at the moment, i have no friends at all im with my boyfriend 5 years and he has none either, we had loads when we first got together but drifted apart from them all, and we moved to a different county, all i see now lockdown is over is people out with friends and i dont even have anyone to go for a coffee with , i have one friend who i maybe would meet with twice a year but she has loads of new friends and is too busy to hang out. Im in my 30's so its really hard to make friends. Is anyone in the same boat?

Montage of Feck

Over the last two years of the pandemic I've completely drifted away from any friends to the point that I'm now dreading the easing of restrictions.

KaneToad

Don't be too harsh on yourself. Having no friends is very common. Plenty of people aren't bothered with having friends. Also, as you age, friends frequently drift away as other things (mostly kids/relationships) take over. You have to work at it to maintain your friendships.

If you're looking to get some friends you need to get involved with "things". Whether that's an evening class, running club, volunteering, part time job etc...

The more variety of ppl you encounter, the more likely you will find someone who you could forge a friendship with.

Just remember, friendship is two way, both parties need to get something from it. Don't use them as a free psychiatric service - or be a free psychiatric service for them!

Teacher2020

Yeah it is hard to make new friends in your 30s. We have moved to a new area during Covid too so in a similar situation. I've joined a few groups on Meet Up but still trying to get the courage up to go to an event. I don't know what I'm so scared of because I have nothing to lose but I think the fear of rejection is just awful for me and gets worse the older I get.

B.A._Baracus

Hey op, you're in a tough spot with covid and as you get older people naturally drift apart.

I would try MeetUp as teacher said above. People there are looking to be social. The old cliche advice was to do a course or doing something like yoga (or what not) but in my experience, and listening to the experience of others, majority of the time you won't make friends only acquaintances. Ie, people are there for the course and what have you.

goldenmick

OP, I feel for you I really do.

It can be very hard when you feel so isolated, but as previously mentioned, you have to be proactive in putting yourself out there if you want to meet new people - they wont be coming to you. There are absolutely loads of clubs, groups and associations you could join. Get busy on Google, local newspapers, etc, and find out where they are.

Also, you've made a big step by making your first post on here. Maybe become a lot more active and participate in more threads. You never know. After a little time you may strike up a friendship with someone nearby to yourself.

You don't say if you work or not. If you do, is there no-one you could relate to at your workplace? If you don't work, have you considered volunteering... charitable shop, rescue centre, etc. I'll repeat again, you must be proactive - as in any aspect of life - to get results.

Do keep in touch on here and I'll keep an eye out on this thread to see how you're getting along. Good luck.

Added later: You know, in hindsight, you do at least have your boyfriend. Surely he could be of some help in this. There are countless lonely people out there, and most are not as fortunate as you in that they are not in a relationship and have absolutely no-one. Really, at your young age, you should be doing more to help yourself.

generic_throwaway

3 times in the past 15 years or so, I've made a rake of new friends. Twice it was by doing a post-grad course, and once by starting a new job in a very challenging area.

What broke down barriers between people and forged friendships was that we were facing a common challenge and pulled together to overcome it. So, to echo the advice above - you need to put yourselves in places where you will actually meet new people, and if you are facing a common challenge/working towards a goal, all the better.

LilacNails

Im in a similar both op. With the handful of friends I do have, they have partners and do most things with them. I can't give them a ring when I'd like to chat up. There's no spontaneity anymore. I'm on my own most evening's it's really really hard, esp when I feel everyone else has people they can rely on and do fun things with.

I'm really conscious I don't have people to hang around with, I'm ashamed and embarrassed. I'd love to meet someone and meet new friends but I really feel that once they realize my situation they will be turned off, in fact I feel a few already were so in the past.

I eco what others are saying getting out there and joining things u have a interest is the first step. Ur not alone, it's so lonely, hope u meet new people v soon.

unhappycamper30

I tried the meet up thing years ago made friends there but no really close friendships, they all drifted away too, i do work but everyone is alot older then me, thanks everyone for the kind advice.

unhappycamper30

growleaves

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058230161/no-friends

Go to meetup groups - there are a few on meetup.com and Facebook.

Keep going to the same one and after a while you will get to know the regulars.

Be a joiner and go along to things.

We're out of restrictions so it's the best time.

Tork

As well as taking the good advice already given, is there any reason why you can't try to reconnect with some of your old friends? They're not living near you any more but you could still visit them or ring them up for a chat. You might be pleasantly surprised. Just be careful you don't make them think you're making contact because you've got nobody else to talk to.

unhappycamper30

I lost contact with them about 5 years ago, everyone doing there own thing now dont even have there numbers they were all friends i would have made through meet up, i find them friendships dont last and wouldnt be a fan of the meet up

unhappycamper30

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118545939#Comment_118545939

I've had the same number since I was 17. It would be a huge coincidence if every single one of them has changed their number in the last 5 years. Did you just delete them, by any chance?

unhappycamper30

No ive changed phones since and lost numbers they really were only people i went out for drinks with anyway, no real friendships.

Mad_maxx

Do like I do ,reconcile yourself to the fact that people don't like me

SamStonesArm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118547721#Comment_118547721

Surely someone takes pity on ya ?

Purple Mountain

OP, I think this should be a lesson to you and everyone else not to ditch your friends when you get with a partner.

In your case you say you both did and now viola you're both isolated now with no external outlet.

As someone who lost 2 friends over the years for being dropped for a boyfriend I know how that feels.

Just bear that in mind when you meet new friends.

Everyone needs an independent outlet outside their relationship.

AllForIt

Nobody has 'loads of friends'. Some people might know 'loads of people' but that's different.

Anyway, friends don't just arrive on your doorstep. You just need to put yourself in social situations and I don't mean the pub necessarily.

Rather than trying to 'find friends' try to find social situations you might enjoy, whether it be a sporting or game activity or whatever interest's you have. And if you don't have any I'd say go and find one. Try something new, for the fun of it.

And don't think your problem is some unique problem you have. Feeling alone and isolated is a well know social problem. Do something about it, as i have suggested, as nothing will happen by magic if you don't.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118547795#Comment_118547795

Oh I have a woman , I'm fine with it , what you'd call a sociable loner

B.A._Baracus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118545972#Comment_118545972

I can relate. When I was 25 I ended a few "friendships" I had. They weren't really friends. Just people I knew through a sport I did and we all liked going to the same bar the same day of the week. Realised they weren't friends after a few bad examples.

@Purple Mountain I get what you are saying. But that happens every day of the week. Not the op's fault. Its the age old thing - when someone gets a partner they're no where to be seen. But broken up or single they're always around.

fritzelly

Just need to get out there - lots of people are in the same situation especially after the past few years where we all became a little bit introspect/introverted

I would say both of you having no friends is a red flag - are you doing everything together therefore not trying to expand your social circle?

Go out by yourself - visit a coffee shop and if someone is by themselves try striking up a conversation - you can meet friends in the most unusual of places, maybe not the frozen food aisle tho

boredatwork82

You just have to get out and about.

Join clubs. Do common activities. Like someone said trying to overcome something as a group creates a bond. This is really good advice, and I only realised that when I read it above.

I did an MBA. Lots of tough group projects and individual projects but we were all trying to get through. Still friendly with a lot of people from there.

Lately joined a triathlon club. A few new members like me are training for our first big event. And we are starting to form a bond. Whilst not going for coffee yet, we are planning things together, booking accomodation together, doing small extra training ourselves. That puts you in a position to chat and create bonds.

So really OP, join a club or a group that has aligned goals. And go for it. To be honest I couldn't believe how friendly and supportive the triathlon club was and most new members to triathlon are in your age bracket I'd say.

AndrewJRenko

Get involved in a local political party or campaign group. You’ll meet lots of people with similar shared values and interests.

If you’re planning on having kids, that will open up a whole new network, especially for mammies at the school gate.

Dial Hard

I'm often struck by the number of people in couples who have absolutely no friends outside of their partner, and never had. If you can meet someone and be interesting and engaging enough for them to want to be your romantic partner then you can 100% make friends!

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118549572#Comment_118549572

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118549572#Comment_118549572

it often depends on where you live in youre thirties or forties , unless you live in a city or large town , making new friends later in life is very difficult as people who stay where they grew up are not programmed to make friends with " blow ins " , thats just how they are , unless you are " seed , breed and generation " , they dont want to know

in many smaller towns and parishes of this country , Brad Pitt could walk into a pub and find himself overlooked in favour of johnny who sports a beer belly but who played junior B hurling for the parish and whats more , so did his grandfather , outside relatively large urban areas , we are an incredibly cliquey and clannish people

sonic85

I'm in the same boat as the OP but my main problem is I only really ever had a handful of friends and as time went on we just dropped out of contact. I'm going to read this thread and keep an eye on it so I can get some ideas on what to do to try get out of this hole I'm in!

zoobizoo

Maybe look at friendships as being in different leagues/divisions.

I've about 2 very good friends.

I've about 4 good friends.

In the past I'd have had a lot of casual friends from a hobby, from doing a Masters, from travelling.

Some casual Friends have moved from casual into good division.

So start with casual friends and if that's how they are, better to have people to socialise with than none. Meet ups and clubs are great for that.

What I found was that in some of those clubs, there were people developing good friendships; they may have had more in common but more than likely, they made more of an effort to meet up than I ever did - they tool the risk of asking for phone numbers and to arrange separate get togethers.

You probably won't make a BFF or confidante in the short term, but you may do over time. And it will be worth the effort when you do.

unhappycamper30

Yes im the same never had more then 2 or 3 friends, but now id be happy to even have one, i think its the fact the one friend i do have who i text a good but never see as we live so far away is always telling me stuff shes doing with her friends it makes me feel so lonely, im lucky i have my boyfriend, but would just love some girl company at times.

BaywatchHQ

I haven't had a friend in over 8 years and I don't want any. I am one of life's loners who doesn't fit in alongside other humans. I have developed into a misanthrope over the years too so I crave company even less. The only human contact I have is with my parents, occasional texts from sister and sometimes I post on incels.is

Pauliedragon

I was a bit like u OP. I lived abroad pretty much straight from school and came back in my late 30's and was quite lonely. I then met the most wonderful person nearly 2 years ago and we are the the best of friends today. It was pure coincidence we met just bumped into each other by the local bus stop and got chatting. These things can happen. There's people out there for u to meet.

YellowLead

You’re not alone OP! I feel like I’m in the same boat - last 2 years have made it hard to meet people. I’ve made guy friends from dating apps but what I need is more female friends. The ones I have are married or in relationships so meeting up isn’t a frequent thing and deffo not spontaneous - kinda have to schedule weeks in advance.

im going to try go to a meet up.com event next weekend if I find one! I’ve been trying to join a tennis club but they all want you to be proposed and seconded by current members.

It can be easy to feel like you’re the only one but I bet there are loads on people in their mid to late 30s and over who who lack close friendships.

laoisgem

Would it be a good thing to have a forum or a thread where people could connect (not sure if there already is), and people consent to PM etc. Maybe even if somebody likes your post you know they're interested in getting to know you more?

notAMember

Join clubs or societies. Or gave some babies. :D

honestly I had a few weird experiences at in my 30’s in a new city where I would go along to birthday drinks, and made some friends through a few routes, night classes etc. But at least twice I heard comments like “I already have friends, don’t need any more” from people that age when groups were arranging get togethers. They were friends with people they met in school and the door was closed in their heads to add any more.

Some people close up that way. But, plenty of others are open to it and I’ve made friends as I live in other cities through casual night classes, book clubs, wine clubs, gardening clubs, sports clubs.

and when/ if babies appear, the parents of your child’s friends can become friends too.

unhappycamper30

But i dont live in Dublin city so meet ups can be tricky to get to

Tork

If your attitude is as negative as it appears to be, then no, you won't be making any friends. You're just coming up with excuses now. Nobody is saying that it's going to be easy but it is doable if you make the effort. It might mean having to travel a bit if you're out in the countryside but that's par for the course for everybody in a similar boat. I find it hard to believe that there is nothing within reasonable distance of your home that isn't worth a try.

hopgirl

I am in the same boat. I have two close friends, one which I would go out with for birthdays or celebrations and other I would call for visit rather than go out. As she doesn't go out. Both are married with children while I am a single mum to one child. I feel I lost myself the last few years. I have joined mmeetup.combut the closest meet ups are over hour drive each way. That doesn't help for nights out as its too far away.

Deregos.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118562889#Comment_118562889

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550791#Comment_118550791

Ah Baywatch, I'm sending you a huge, big virtual hug.

OP, a lot of us appear to be in the same boat as you regarding our lack of friends, infact, this conversation actually gives me some small solace that maybe I'm not the complete, socially anxious oddball I'm always berating myself for being.

Good friends are hard found & hard kept.

unhappycamper30

Yes i taught i was the only one in this situation, shocked to see so many people are in the same boat, dont feel as bad now, and moving foward i will take all the advice on board, looking at joining an excercise class in my area, so thanks a million everybody this has being a great help.

unhappycamper30

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550854#Comment_118550854

That totally put a smile on my face :)

Liberty_Bear

Bumble has an option to look for friends, worth a go

gary550

Meh, sort of in the same boat myself.

I've 1 good friend, lots of "friends" who I interact with occasionally (mostly at their convenience when I'm needed) and some acquaintances. I've some friends through business than I know will help at the drop of a hat for business but it most certainly doesn't go beyond that.

I'm probably blessed with the fact I've a good relationship with immediate family, if not for them I'd imagine I could feel quite isolated at times.

I think people like me (and many others in this thread) are their own worst enemy in the fact there there is no proactivity in looking, I've never ever been proactive in looking for friends anyway. I felt very alone in my late teens/twenty's but it's all but worn off, I am kept busy with business, life, hobbies etc so don't really feel it now other than maybe the odd Saturday night/weekend when you've nobody.

I'm single too which I'd imagine being in a relationship might relieve the occasional bout of loneliness but in my opinion being in a relationship just to stave off loneliness is an awful decision and will probably introduce more problems than anything. I'd also link the the lack of relationship and my lack of good friends - I.E I'm not very proactive in looking!!

There is some good idea's on here though on where to start!

YellowLead

Thanks I didn’t know this - have you used it? It feels weird swiping for friends on a dating app as that’s what my pro like is set up for, but I’ll give it a try :)

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550791#Comment_118550791

If you never feel a part of the world, then carve your own niche buddy. Wishing I could give you a massive hug and get you out for a coffee.

Incels have a different view of soceity than a lot of people, just be careful you dont fall into thinking that the world is against you, you sound like you have a lot to offer the world . You are being open here, honest and extremely articulate...great qualities to have

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550761#Comment_118550761

I know you might live in the country but you might need to change your motivational reasons and really give it a go. What are your interests?