Miss ex terribly and want him back

Rose27588

I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change what caused a huge strain i.e. shutting himself off for days on end over disagreements. I explained many times I couldn’t handle it. The added pressure of working a highly stressful job during the pandemic compounded my anxieties.

Since the breakup I have been seriously depressed. I have been prescribed three different antidepressants which I had to come off due to severe side effects (suicidal thoughts and night sweats) I have been to therapy which didn’t really help. My support network has broken down as my depression has been a burden on my friends, I know it’s difficult for them to see me go from a bubbly, happy person to the way I am now and I was feeling like a drain so I don’t really have many people to talk to.

We have been on and off in touch but I decided to start no contact 2 weeks ago. He messaged me to say Merry Christmas and I wished him a good year. He has said he misses me and the past year has been really tough but he thinks if we got back together it would fail and two break ups has damaged him psychologically. He has admitted that I was a great partner and he got comfortable and coasted in the relationship.

I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.

I’m hoping the no contact will give us both perspective. I just don’t know what to do, controlling the urge to reach out is incredibly difficult but I’m using every ounce of willpower I have to stick with it. He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.

I wish there was a medicine for heartbreak because the pain is unbearable.

dePeatrick

Go back with him, ‘for the most part it was fantastic’ there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, we are all flawed, it is living with and accepting those flaws that makes for true love. It’s obvious you are in love with him and he with you, this separation will be a lesson to both of you…and good luck.

Akrasia

It sounds like both of you are open to trying again and the break-up should have given some perspective over what each others' flaws are, but also that those flaws aren't bad enough to overcome the positives.

I think if you're genuine about giving it another go, and he hasn't already moved on, and he still cares for you, then maybe reaching out to him again is the right thing to do.

2 breakups is a lot, but the pandemic added a load of wierd pressures onto relationships that many people didn't have the emotional support to deal with.

If you're genuinely interested in trying again, reach out to him. If he rejects you, at least you'll know it's over.

Rose27588

Thanks guys, I’ve asked him to get back together but he said no, deep down I know he cares for me and I think it’s self preservation as he is hurting and afraid. I don’t know what I can do to convince him I wouldn’t let him go again as I truly believe we are meant for each other and I would do anything to make this work. I’ve told him this in messages, I wanted to meet up but he said the last couple of times he saw me was really tough. The breakup was very painful and emotional for us both.

Tell me how

I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change

.........

I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.

The above are from your original post. You finished the relationship in last March. That was a conscious decision you made, that it wasn't enough for you. In the second bolded part, you subconsciously or otherwise, recognize that you should have given you both the necessary space.

Given your comments about depression, I think you are considering going back to the relationship because you think it will help you overcome such feelings, which is understandable. That doesn't mean that you don't truly want to get back with him, but I think you can't analyse how you truly feel while being unwell.

Thanks guys, I’ve asked him to get back together but he said no, deep down I know he cares for me and I think it’s self preservation as he is hurting and afraid.

Aside from your feelings, he has now given you an answer. I think you should but look at trying to maintain a no contact approach for at least a number of months. You mention he set up social media accounts, does that mean you are keeping an eye on him even if your accounts are private. You guys may end up back together, but you've already broken up, gotten back together and broken up again. I think it is best to try to get well with respect to your mental health before any consideration of reigniting the relationship and maybe when you are in that place for a significant amount of time, allow your self to explore such thoughts, if they are still there. If they aren't there, don't go looking for them.

You are also dealing with this in a very tough time of year, post christmas, wet and cold january already brings our mental health down, dealing with depression and a breakup at that time is definitely intense. You mention anti-depressants, are you going to therapy? I have extensive experience of both and personally, medication gave me some stabilisation and was necessary, but all progress was made through the practice of therapy.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118487606#Comment_118487606

Ah.. I've been there. So sorry about your feelings and that things didn't turn the way they were expected. It never is easy.

If he says no for a suggestion to get back together, you have accept it and respect. There must be a fear or something else included, as you said. This has to be respected and accepted. He may be grieving in a different way, may quicker, maybe slower, maybe doesn't want to go back even if loves. It's frustrating and I can sympathise.

Therapy definitely will help you, just find the right therapist (needs to be a certain vibe and understanding, fluent communication). Also, with therapy very common to feel worse before it gets better. Some people loose patience and give up which makes it worse to themselves.

Antidepressants... Again, been there. Not recommending. Not good for liver, plenty of side effects etc...

Try to find things you love doing for yourself despite of someone being or not being together with you. It may take years learning to love yourself being single. Patience, lots of patience. Your mind may be rushing with memories and emotions. But your task now is to relax, calm yourself down, avoid big stress, give yourself plenty of time and space. And talk to friends and family to socialise a bit. Find someone you trust and lean on so they could support you, and listen to you while you bleed your feeling away... It's a slow process (at least for me).

It will get better, trust me.

Rose27588

I know I have to respect his decision and that’s one of the reasons I’m doing no contact, to not disrupt his healing. With the social media, he came up on my suggested friends list, I didn’t follow or add as I know that would be unhealthy for me. I’m going to use my time now to practice self care more and be gentler on myself. I am also unfortunately clinging on to the hope that he will miss me and reach out eventually even though I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118487637#Comment_118487637

Your thoughts, doubts and hopes are similar to what I have experienced and it's completely normal. It was exhausting to me as it was repetitive and I was going crazy trying to understand the reasons, was blaming myself a lot. These thoughts come and go frequently but each time gets easier.

Funny but lots of romance comedies helped me. But mostly helped movies about relationships. Eg., Marriage Story on Netflix. Helps to see that we all are human with our unique problems but we all get extremely sad. Now it looks like eternity but in a life time it will be just another experience of our lives, which makes us who we are now. I have learned crying again, as it was too hard to hold inside.

Cooking - treat yourself a bit :)

Rose27588

Citrus 8 - first of all I hope you are doing ok and minding yourself! Crying is cathartic for sure, sometimes you just need to let it all out and I do feel a kind of release after. Funnily enough I have been watching rom coms too, you’re right that we are human and it’s ok to be sad. It’s like a death really, grieving the relationship and also grieving the future that we had planned. Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share, that is filled with memories. I can’t watch any tv shows that we were watching together and sometimes I’ll sleep on his side of the bed to feel close :-(

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118487659#Comment_118487659

Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share,

This is very significant. You haven't just had a relationship end, you've had the vision of what the rest of your life might look like change dramatically.

A few people have mentioned it, you haven't commented on it, and you don't have to, but I strongly advise professional assistance to work through your feelings as something you should seriously consider.

Self care, being kind to yourself and indulging a little is part of this, but you should be careful to ensure it doesn't go beyond something that is appropriate and in to negative habits. A therapy environment could help you to structure your analysis of what you are going through in a methodical way. One benefit I got from therapy was being able to compartmentalise some thoughts in to something I was going to bring up in therapy and try to not let my mind dwell on it too much outside of that.

Everything you've been true is difficult, doing it throughout Covid even more so. It can definitely get better, having the right support will help the process.

Rose27588

I have been to different therapists and it hasn’t helped really, it’s probably a case of not finding the right one so I think it’s wise to give it another shot. I have cut out alcohol completely, I’m going to go back to the gym and I recently got a puppy who really just gives me so much love and has been a really precious addition to my life. This year I promised to do more things for myself, but the pain is so real and hard to alleviate. I know it’s supposed to get easier with time but if anything I feel like it’s been harder as I miss him immensely.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118487674#Comment_118487674

Yep, finding the right therapist can be a challenge and it can take several visits even before you know if they are the right one for you but you'll usually have a good feel for them on a personal level and whether or not you guys have a sufficient connection within the first session or 2 and don't be afraid to call a halt if you don't think they are right for you.

You're doing the right things, cutting out alcohol, going to the gym, getting a dog is a big step but glad to hear that is working out well. It will definitely help with getting you up and about to take care of them and walk them.

Don't worry either about making plans for this year or whether or not they are working out. As I said earlier, it's January, it's never a very productive time so give yourself a break.

If it is the case that you're struggling to get good quality sleep, it would be good to improve that. There's a number of things that we can do to help promote good sleep practice although dealing with depression and a breakup can really make that difficult. Sleep effects everything obviously, our mind, our resolve, energy etc plus if we are awake, we can spend more time on negative thoughts.

Big Bag of Chips

Rose27588, have you posted before about him? Some of the details seem a little familiar. But maybe what you are going through is just very common.

You broke up twice. He has said he doesn't want to get back together. If the relationship was mostly fantastic you wouldn't have broken up twice. Mostly fantastic is pretty much a perfect relationship. I think you are looking back with rose tinted glasses and imagining a relationship that didn't exist.

He is actually doing you a favour. He is still the same person. The reasons you broke up, twice, are still present. He hasn't fundamentally changed and if you were to get back together he would still react to disagreements in the same way.

This was not a fantastic relationship. If it was it would still be your relationship. Continue to be strong. Find other things to occupy your time. I'm not suggesting it will be easy but walking away, cutting all contact and not looking back will make your life much much easier in the longterm.

There is a nicer life for you out there. Don't go backwards.

Faith

Hello OP, you've changed your username but I think you've posted about this chap before under a different name. If you're the same person, I'm confident in saying you're recalling the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. He was awful to you, repeatedly ignoring you for long periods for imagined slights and gaslighting you. I'd advise having a read back through a couple of your old threads to remind yourself of how he made you feel (again, I'm assuming this is the same person), <Snip>

It sounds like you're having a rubbish time alright, but this guy wasn't your soulmate and being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.

Big Bag of Chips

@Faith I've snipped the links from your post. I suspect it is the same poster, but it may not be and it is not fair to highlight those threads if it is in fact a different poster.

@Rose27588, if you have posted before please search your old threads. Or contact one of the moderators here and we can forward you the links.

BBoC

Faith

No worries, BBOC, I did hesitate and check the charter as I wasn't sure if it was allowed to post the links or not but it didn't say either way. They're not hard to find if it is the same OP and she wants to look herself anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.

This is the line to repeat to yourself.

Salient Verb

Were you depressed before you were with him?

I don't really like the sound of this guy, but it might be because of my own experiences. Anyway, he shuts himself off for days at a time during a relationship and thats mainly why you ended it. I think thats the right decision. No-one can be in a healthy relationship with someone like that. You would be walking on eggshells all the time, afraid to upset him.

Its taken me 18 months to get over the end of my relationship. I've realised that it was him that was making me depressed and I feel fine now. I never was depressed before I met him. Its like you get addicted to the push-pull of people who can withdraw affection/attention at the flick of a switch and it makes you overly anxious.

Like your ex, mine didn't use social media but once we had broken up (at his instigation), he started to use it a lot more. So what worked for me was finding out a lot more about him, which included finding out that in his "off" phases when he "needed to be alone" he was actually cheating on me with at least 2 other women. My ex married a woman 17 years older than him slightly less than a year after we split up. One of the things that stuck in my mind was my psychologist's look of open mouthed shock when I told her about the things he did and said. That was one of the things that made me feel better - being around normal, well adjusted, decent people. The other thing that really helped was going away abroad for a month to a glamorous ski resort and making lots of new friends - I appreciate thats easier said that done but a change of scene can work wonders.

What I really noticed in your posts is that you mentioned you have gone no contact to "help his healing". This man is not your responsibility. Stop treading on eggshells to please him. He is not a victim. He is an adult, whose behaviour has driven you away. It is you who has depression after all.

Be wary of these people who you have these on-off relationships with. One break up is bad but two is generally best never resurrected from the dead. This man does not care for you or have your best interests at heart.

Literally the only thing I miss now about my ex is that I used to be so anxious when I was involved with him that I was always really thin, whereas now I'm having to watch my weight!

So with time and meeting new people, you get to move on as a person and look back one day thankful that that was not the way your life worked out and you are still stuck in that negative situation.

Rose27588

Thanks for the replies, I know my loneliness is clouding my judgement. l wish I could switch off my feelings. I haven’t seen him in 6 months and we were only in contact regarding sorting out practical matters finances etc. and me in weak moments sending emotional messages. I thought I should feel better now but I am feeling worse as time goes by.

Caranica

We all deal with breakups differently so the main advice I can give you is be kind to yourself. The puppy is a great idea and getting active, that's all self care. Getting in touch with your ex isn't. He's your ex for a reason and if you are the poster from the previous threads I'm very very glad he's your ex, you're worth more than that.

Look forward, not back. Delete his contact info, block him on social media (whether you're connected on platforms or not), block his numbers and emails. Take your life back.

Listen to music, sometimes I think sad songs or breakup songs (think Adele 21 album) can actually help, but each to their own.

Exes are exes for a reason, something was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm still friends with most of my exes but getting there took a long time with zero contact. The only ex I'm not in contact with is the one who was no good for me. My life is better without him in it.

Moving on isn't easy, but it's worth it.

wylo

Hi OP,

Without pushing the point too much I would continue keeping an eye out for a therapist.

I also think you’re being very hard on yourself around the expectation that you “should” be getting better by now. There are no rules to this, allow yourself some misery and accept that it’s ok to feel that way. At the moment he is the equivalent of a drug to you, he probably represents all the beautiful and perfect things about life and without him they don’t exist. Whereas there was a time in life you were very happy when you didn’t know him. But recognising that may take a long time. It’s not a snap insight that you’ll wake up with one day. More like a gradual thing until eventually you’ll feel indifferent.

I’ve been there a long time ago and it’s a dark place to be.

Again, consider another therapist, and personally I wouldn’t rule out meds again but they would have to be ones that are working for you and also being taken in conjunction with good therapy.

This stuff can be as hard as someone close to you dying, that sounds extreme but when I compare how I felt that’s how painful it is.

JoChervil

I am afraid Rose that you will keep feeling worse, because you really didn't break up with him. You made a pause to connect with him later. So if this is a case, you will feel worse with each day because with each day passing by, you will realise that your break up is really happening. You won't heal, if you don't make it final, then grieve and move on.

I know where you are coming from because I was in a such situation ages ago. I gave him a space to "realise that I am the best woman for him" and "that no-one will love him like I do" etc. And that he will be back. I guess it was the only way for me to get through it back then. First loves are just like that. You just fall into it with no self-protection, while we need to have boundaries. It took me many years to heal and learn how to love in a healthy way. So trust me, you loved once, you will love again. Just treat it as a painful life lesson. The sooner you will start fully grieving, the better.

JoChervil

I don't know if now some dog's tails are cut, but back than it was normal. So someone said to me: what would you prefer, if you were a dog to have a tail cut in one clean cut or in hundreds of slices. How much more painful is the other way and the result will be exactly the same.

We can't live without hope. You have put your hope in reconnecting with him. So instead put your hope in creating a new healthy relationship with a better man for you. And learn how to do it and how to avoid previous mistakes. I am pretty sure that if you have learned how to set proper boundaries, you wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with someone, who doesn't deserve it.

SunnySundays

I'm a firm believer that there are several aspects of our life that contribute to our happiness or unhappiness and keep us on an even keel. For example, self image, relationships, friends, family, work, finances, health, hobbies, diet, sleep, pets etc.

If one or two of those aspects takes a hit, e.g. relationship breakdown, job loss etc. most people will manage to deal with it because the other aspects are all still going well.

It only becomes a problem if too many things take a negative turn at the same time, that we begin to feel miserable. In your case, your self image isn't good, your relationship broken down and you consider your friendships at risk. No wonder you aren't feeling great.

You need to look at everything that contributes to your happiness and wellbeing, list them all and then look at all those that aren't working well for you right now.

The ones you can do nothing about I.e. your relationship, just park. Feel the hurt etc but don't try change it because you can't.

Instead focus on the ones you can change. You can do more things with your friends that are just fun, see a movie, go for dinner, have a laugh. With your mental health, see the therapist, get more exercise, try sleep more/bed earlier etc.

Once you start to get the controllable aspects to improve, then the uncontrollable one doesn't seem as bad because the others are compensating.

Heartache is ****. Nearly everyone goes through it at some stage but focus on what you can change and it will help reduce the heartache and mental anguish that goes with it.

JoChervil

On the other hand I don't know your story, so the guy might be a great one only you love "too much". You sound like a "complete merger". It is nothing wrong with it and might be great, if you meet another merger. But it might be disastrous, if such person do it for wrong reasons and not heaving enough own resources for it.

Some people simply treat love like a way of escaping from themselves (similar to escaping into alcohol or any other addiction). It is easier to focus on another person (or substance) than on ourselves, especially, if we don't want to see our shortcomings.

Therefore you need to heal and build yourself first to be sure your love is coming from a good place and is enhancing instead of suffocating. So your guy might have been a good one only protecting himself from your way of loving.

So therapy might help you enormously to focus on yourself, understand yourself and build yourself. And build enough energy to be able to give.

Otherwise it will be like in this story of a women selling her beautiful hair to buy a clam for her husband precious watch, while he sells his watch to buy her a beautiful hair clam as a Christmas gift. How sad such big indeed love is, when people don't have enough resources and give when they simply can't.

He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.

I hate to tell you this but some dating apps require Facebook or Instagram accounts to sign up afaik, so reason for it might be completely different.

Rose27588

Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?

I am going to go to therapy again I got a recommendation from my GP surgery, I’m at the point where I can’t burden my friends and family any more I don’t think they know what to say anymore and tend to ignore / avoid when I mention how I am feeling. I need to talk to a professional again, hopefully I click soon

Tork

Do you have any legitimate reason to be still in contact with your ex? Now that the house is sold and the legalities have been sorted, is it just general chit-chat that you've been engaging in. I think you should delete his number from your phone, along with any messages you sent each other. If you think you might need his number for legitimate purposes, you could write it down in a notebook. But I feel it needs to come off your phone because it's leaving the door open.

I think it's wise that you're going back to therapy because your issues seem to be beyond what lay people can help you with. You tolerated being treated badly by your ex and ignored red flag after red flag along the way. It's likely that most of your friends and family can't understand what sort of hold he had over you and would be disheartened to know you still want him back. As has been pointed out already, if this had been a good relationship you'd still be in it. It wasn't and your loneliness is now colouring your past, present and future.

JoChervil

Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?

I mean that you give yourself fully to another person and would like if another person does the same to you and together create a one unit, kind of enmeshing with each other. While we need to left for ourselves our core, our values and needs. When we merge totally with another person, so this person then has double upload to carry around.

Of course when people do it to each other, so then they both have this upload, so OK then. But this kind of love belongs to a previous era, Pisces Era. Ages ago women represented mainly feminine side and men masculine side fully, so such exchange was needed and welcome. Now is an Auquarian Era, when people are more individual human beings developing their both masculine and feminine sides, so no need for such a full exchange. We can live separately and be happy. And if we meet someone, who can enhance our life and we can enhance their life, so it's a great bonus.

But it is our responsibility to develop fully first, not another person to fill the void in us.

Rose27588

Tork aside from the legalities and finances, he would reach out over silly things like, did he leave certain belongings behind when I’m pretty sure he knew he didn’t. He also has some mail still coming here which I have said many times he needs to get to his new address as it is a trigger for me. I know that I must have some deep rooted issues to have allowed myself to be treated badly but I know he wasn’t a bad person and had his own issues which he has told me he didn’t realize how bad it was and he is also going to therapy. Does that mean it’s healthy for me to want to get back? I know the answer is probably no. But I am really heartbroken and miserable without him

Tork

You've not closed the door on this guy in any shape or form. That comment about him now being in therapy translates to me as "I'm going to hang around and wait until he gets fixed".

On the mail thing, he has had more than enough time to change his address and stop his mail coming to the house he no longer lives in. It's not that hard to do, especially in this day and age. Failing that, An Post offers a mail redirection service. You're being way too soft on him here - you should be writing "Return to sender" on the envelopes and shoving them through a letterbox. You don't need to know where he is living now but he shouldn't be having his mail sent to you

Salient Verb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118511989#Comment_118511989

Very few people are all bad and some are very good at presenting a genial appearance. This guy is certainly good at making you feel sorry for him, thats for sure but you're hardly getting all the picture. You have to weigh the information you have equally and not place so much importance on his "poor me" act. He has somehow managed to get you to keep putting him first after the relationship ended. Reaching out over silly things means he's trying to keep you on the back burner. He honestly sounds quite manipulative. Because you did the ending of the relationship, he might be trying to draw you back in so he can end it himself. You really just need more time away from him, because he is not having a good effect on your own wellbeing.

Jequ0n

I can’t see anyone being malicious or manipulative here, but rather two people who keep clinging to one another despite better judgement.

Well done for deciding to talk to a therapist, OP. Sounds like one of you has to break the circle to finally be able to move on.

Jequ0n

@JoChervil

”Of course when people do it to each other, so then they both have this upload, so OK then. But this kind of love belongs to a previous era, Pisces Era. Ages ago women represented mainly feminine side and men masculine side fully, so such exchange was needed and welcome. Now is an Auquarian Era, when people are more individual human beings developing their both masculine and feminine sides, so no need for such a full exchange.”

Sorry, but what do you mean by this?

Rose27588

OP here, having a really rough week, I had a panic attack in work yesterday and it’s so hard to try not to think about the break I’ll and how sad I am, I feel so hopeless, I don’t think I’ll be ok for a very long time :-(

Big Bag of Chips

Stop stopping yourself from thinking about it. You have to let the feelings come. You have to think about it. You have to work through the feelings and emotions. And bit by bit you won't think about it so much.

I know you haven't confirmed if you are the poster who has posted before, but I think you are. And if you are, the relationship was not working for you for a very long time. We're talking years. I think your first post about breaking up with him was about 3-4 years ago.

This relationship was awful. He was awful. He treated you awfully. You need to remember those bits rather than rewriting history.

If you got back together again, if he agreed to give it another go, but nothing changed, he was exactly the same person, treating you in exactly the same way as he always did, how long before you'd be given the silent treatment again? How long before he'd make you feel like sht again?

You are stuck in a fantasy that never existed. You are longing for the familiar. But as faith said earlier, being with him isn't going to make you happier. You were miserable with him. Why go back? You are young. You have nothing keeping you in his life. So grieve for what's gone, but accept that it's gone. Time will heal. Eventually.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118538342#Comment_118538342

Nothing at this point in time I am going to say will sound in any way appealing or indeed in any way sensible until later on in the grieving process. Its impossible to guess if there is a timeline when the grief over the loss of a relationship is going to fix itself, it might continue for a year or it might continue for a week, nothing is ever fixed. With near certainty (and thats the key phrase here 'near') , this is a temporary state for the moment of what you are going through. Having the means to basically function on the most basic of levels at a time like this takes a huge push from one self, give yourself kudos for that. The advice from Tell me How is phenomenally good in both being pragmatic and incredibly supportive. On the point about therapists. I know of someone who had major issues and went to various therapists however one day clicked with someone who knew the right words and right tone as this person specialised in the trauma they had experienced. Without sounding too cliched, therapists are like a pair of shoes..you need one that is the right fit.

I read that perhaps you may have posted about this chap before (and mea culpa and sincere apologies if I am wrong in that regards) but when we are in toxic relationships, sometimes these people make us feel like we need them to exist. That without their care and love we are nothing but empty vessels that needs their attention. Standing on your own two feet takes courage and time and like I said above, function on the most basic level if you must to etch out an existence till you strike that balance that suits you. Set yourself one goal outside of a relationship that you mauy wish to strive for giving you something to work towards. Never going to be easy but giving yourself a distraction of sorts helps give .

To lessen the stress figure out what is within your scope to change. Maybe you might want a new job, need a new place to live or improve your financial situation. These at least give you a degree of scope to know that you are both in control and improve anything in life that may need remedying. And they feed back into giving you some sort of goal to focus on perhaps.

Aside from that and speaking in general terms, now is the time to reach out to friends restoring the friends network. No one is ever a burden to others but understand that sometimes we may need time away to recharge like a battery in order to help you more. Good friends are there in the background but they (especially if empathetic) need that space to clear their heads to help you (that trope that floats about facebook of being like a battery on a phone that needs recharging is true). It could be worth understanding the five stages of grief to help give shape to what you are experiencing. (Youtube is useful for things like these).

Outside of that please look after yourself and be gentle on yourself x

Rose27588

BBOC I am the poster yes, my head and heart are fighting with each other and it’s unbearable, I know I should be feeling like I made the right call but I feel nothing but overwhelming sadness and grief and loneliness, and not necessarily from being single, but feeling abandoned by my friends and family. I know everyone has been affected mentally the past couple of years so I don’t blame them.

I’m currently looking into selling the house and starting fresh in a home with no memories of him, that part has been incredibly hard too, I’ve also signed up for some charity events. I’m hoping goals and projects will keep my mind busy and give me a stronger sense of purpose.

I’m almost 34 and it feels a bit scary to start all over, I get pangs of jealousy when I’m constantly hearing about babies and pregnancies and weddings, it’s a reminder of everything I wanted, I can’t look at social media as it makes me so sad

Big Bag of Chips

Babies, pregnancies and weddings are not things you should ever have pursued with this man. Can you imagine your life if you had. Can you imagine the life a child would have living with a father like that. 34 is not old. And if you really want a family and a good relationship then the best thing you can do is let all thoughts of a happily ever after with this fella go.

Don't be too hard on your friends. This was not a good relationship for you. They would all have seen that. Maybe even before you began to realise it. They will have advised, reassured, comforted and felt all their efforts were ignored because you are still pining. It can be a difficult situation to be in. And often people withdraw because they feel they are only enabling the wallowing and not helping the situation at all. Also life is very tough for everyone these days. They are obviously not going through exactly what you are but they will certainly have their own stresses. Everyone does.

Have you one friend who you can reach out to. Explain that you were/are struggling and apologise for monopolising their time. Ask their assistance in helping you move on. Not help you wallow and listen to you being upset. That can happen in small amounts, but you need to make a conscious effort to not allow yourself to wallow. To see this as a chance to move forward, not to keep looking back.

You just need to remind yourself that you would not be happier if you got back together. You would just be a different kind of upset. And it might be compounded with the knowledge that you got out, had the chance to move past him, and you went backwards.

He really is doing you a favour. The one good thing he has actually done for you in all of this. You have the chance to be happier than you could ever have been with him. You just need to convince yourself that you deserve it. You've spent so long being downtrodden by him, being put down and made to few worthless. You know believe that that's who you are. It's not. And happiness will only come when you realise you are better than he ever believed you were.

If you don't believe that.. Fake it til you make it!

great advice BigBagofChips!

Life is going past, for everyone. We all lost the last 2 years, more so if you were single. Everyone has their own stuff, if its not a relationship breakdown its trying to get a mortgage, trying to find a house to buy, a sick child, a dying relative, workplace issues or indeed juggling a few of these things at the same time! This is life, NOT some magical time ahead in the future when you think it will all be ok, if you find Mr Right, have a baby, get a house etc. Life is now. Those friends of the OP are probably dealing with lots of issues themselves now, lots of worries and troubles that she cannot see because she is so focused on this breakup (through which they would have supported her initially)

Every day wasted pining over an ex-lover is a day wasted with the right person. You won't meet a new and better man if you are still not over the previous one. I wasted years pining over lovers that cheated on me or caused serious emotional abuse.... I still can't believe it now. Life is so much better when you can find happiness yourself, doing things for yourself, especially finding new people. I have made so many new friends through outdoor activities , friends that made me feel so good about myself, lots of prospective partners too.

The one thing I never did for very long was wallow in it with friends. I always knew this was my stuff, I didn't keep mentioning the name of a partner who cheated on me as I knew I would get limited sympathy from them as time went on. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with .

There is a big huge world out there OP. Sell your house or rent it out, take a year out, travel, get perspective, meet new people. Do not waste your youth sitting at home crying. My daughter who just turned 30 broke up with her boyfriend last year, they were living together and she nursed him through cancer. However she could not deal with other issues from him past that kept coming up. She left London where they had been together, came home for 6 months, then gave up her job with Microsoft and took off Norway. She is now working in the Arctic circle with a great bunch of people from different parts of the world, in an outdoor setting and sees the Northern Lights every evening! Best decision ever. Live your life, get out of this rut of thinking of the past, look forward. Good luck.

HildaOgdenx

I remember your previous threads. OP.

You are mourning what might have been. A bit like when someone dies, e.g a parent with whom a son or daughter did not have a good relationship or were no longer in contact. Yet they feel sad. But it's mourning for the relationship they didn't have with the person. Not necessarily mourning the person.

This was not a good relationship, and it would be a dreadful mistake to rehash it. As said above, it's the one thing he has done right, ie not agreeing to getting back together.

You are doing the right things, pursuing new interests. Well done on that. In relation to meeting with friends, make sure that you are taking an interest in them, and what's going on in their lives.

I think you said you tried therapy. Please keep trying. It can take time to find the right therapist, but I think it would help to talk all of this out. I don't know if the threads here are helping. Obviously I hope that they are.

But talking things out with a professional, would really benefit you, imo. Take care.

Rose27588

Thanks all some really helpful advice, I haven’t been monopolizing my friends time, it’s more that when they ask how I am and I say I’m not really doing too well I think they just don’t know what to say, so I feel then that I don’t want to be a burden, I’m very conscious that everyone is struggling and it’s been a really rough time for a lot of people

Tork

Internalising your feelings isn't helping you and may be one reason why you're not in a good place. It's all well and good to say you're taking up new hobbies but sometimes they're just ways to drown out the noise. Is there any particular reason why you think your family and friends abandoned you? Sometimes you can get too wrapped up in your side of the story and might not see things from their side. People often tread carefully when it comes to the relationships of their family and friends. It's so easy to put a foot wrong and 99 times out of 100, the friend will side with their partner anyway. It wouldn't surprise me if the people close to you saw your ex for exactly what he was and despaired as you went on to buy a house with him. Sometimes it's just a case of reaching out to some of your old friends and rekindling the connection. I'd say a lot of friendships drifted a bit over the last two years because of the pandemic but that's not to say people can't make up for lost time. If you don't feel you can talk to a friend or family member, please open up to a therapist. There is a lot to unpack here. I think you definitely need a good therapist you click with anyway- as has already been mentioned it can take a few tries to find the right one. Don't let that part slide because you've got two big issues going on here. One is that you allowed this guy burrow his way into your life even though there were warning signs everywhere. The other is that you can't move past your grief. It's OK to grieve for the life you thought you had in front of you and for the relationship you believed you were in. At this stage I think you need good professional help to move past this. I'd treat that as a priority, before making big decisions like selling the house.

YellowLead

You shouldn’t have to pretend to be happy to friends when your not, but saying something like do you know what I still feel **** right now, but I know it will take time and I know I’ll get through this and come out the other side - then talk about something positive.

so much good advice above I can’t really add to it except to re-read - particular the post from BBOC. It’s not this specific guy you are mourning as he made you unhappy, it’s the loneliness and longing you feel right now - serious well done on signing up for new things, a friend of mine found joining a hiking group helped her out of a break up. Meeting new people is always a plus.

Rose27588

It’s because when I say I’m feeling low or not having a good day / week they will just ignore it and change the subject. They’ve stopped asking how I am altogether as I don’t think they want to know the answer, maybe they think it’s been almost a year already or maybe they just don’t feel equipped to know what to say as my depression has progressively got worse. For example in the summer I confided in a good friend that I was having suicidal thoughts and I was scared and she just stopped talking to me altogether. Counseling is a priority now and trying to find ways to give my life meaning and meet new people. I’m starting with a new therapist on Monday and I really hope I can start to make progress

Tork

Telling somebody you're feeling suicidal is a huge thing, both for you and the person who hears it. Not everybody is equipped to take a revelation like that on board and maybe it was too much for your friend. You're obviously very distressed and that can scare away people who either can't handle it, or don't want to. Sometimes people just let you down.

I'm glad to hear you're going to a new therapist on Monday and I wish you all the best with them. You still have a lot going for you, if only you can let go of what you're clinging onto. You've got a house, a good job, you're still young enough to meet somebody else. All hope is not lost but only if you stop hanging it on this man. If I'm thinking of the same person, you were never ever going to have a good life with your ex. There's being inconsiderate and then there's being a rotten bastard. Even if he is in therapy, that's not going to change his personality as much as you'd like it to. I worry that part of you is hanging on to the fantasy that he'll get fixed, return to you and you can all live happily ever after.

just a quick heads up Rose27588, not sure if you've done counselling before? If you have then no need to worry.

If you haven't, just be prepared to feel worse before you feel better. It has a tendency to drag up a lot of stuff from your past which and you need to talk through the stuff that has brought you to counselling. Be prepared for a lot of tears. Good luck

Big Bag of Chips

Often the average person doesn't know what to say to someone who has expressed suicidal thoughts. I know mental health advice now is focusing on sharing and talking to someone. But, as you found with your friend, sometimes a person just doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know how to react. Doesn't know if what they say will help or make the person feel worse.

It's the main reason why in Personal Issues we lock threads when a poster expresses suicidal thoughts. We know the best thing for that person is to seek help from the professionals who are trained to say the right things to help the person through a tough time. A well meaning friend, or anonymous posters on here could say something thinking they are being helpful but be exactly the thing that the person doesn't need to hear.

Have you contacted the Samaritans? Or Pieta House? These are free support services with trained individuals who might be able to help you in a way your friends can't at the moment.

Have a read of this thread.

Goodigal

To add to the above, text HELLO to 50808 at any time to text chat with a trained crisis volunteer. They're there to listen and support anyone going through a crisis or contemplating suicide. No judgement at all.

Rose27588

I get that expressing suicidal thoughts is heavy and non professionals are not equipped. Really I do. But we live in a society that encourages people to talk about mental health so to be essentially be de-friended by that person bloody hurts. I have been and am continuing to seek the right therapist.

Rose27588

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118540032#Comment_118540032

The universal advice is to immerse myself in new hobbies, I’m doing that to give myself purpose and do something worthwhile, not to drown out ‘white noise’. I think this is a positive step.

-What would you suggest I do?

I do also ask my friends about their lives and show genuine interest.

I have been and continue to try to find a therapist that I connect with.

Moving house is something I need to do. We bought it together and it’s filled with many triggering memories.

Thank you for your input 😀

Rose27588

So I’m meeting him next week for a coffee. At the very least I feel like I need some sort of closure. I feel like he never acknowledged the pain I went through during and after the relationship caused by his behaviors. I’ve been in some weird sort of purgatory for months and I feel like I need this.