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Miss ex terribly and want him back

  • 17-01-2022 1:17am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change what caused a huge strain i.e. shutting himself off for days on end over disagreements. I explained many times I couldn’t handle it. The added pressure of working a highly stressful job during the pandemic compounded my anxieties.

    Since the breakup I have been seriously depressed. I have been prescribed three different antidepressants which I had to come off due to severe side effects (suicidal thoughts and night sweats) I have been to therapy which didn’t really help. My support network has broken down as my depression has been a burden on my friends, I know it’s difficult for them to see me go from a bubbly, happy person to the way I am now and I was feeling like a drain so I don’t really have many people to talk to.

    We have been on and off in touch but I decided to start no contact 2 weeks ago. He messaged me to say Merry Christmas and I wished him a good year. He has said he misses me and the past year has been really tough but he thinks if we got back together it would fail and two break ups has damaged him psychologically. He has admitted that I was a great partner and he got comfortable and coasted in the relationship.

    I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.

    I’m hoping the no contact will give us both perspective. I just don’t know what to do, controlling the urge to reach out is incredibly difficult but I’m using every ounce of willpower I have to stick with it. He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.

    I wish there was a medicine for heartbreak because the pain is unbearable.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,097 ✭✭✭ dePeatrick


    Go back with him, ‘for the most part it was fantastic’ there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, we are all flawed, it is living with and accepting those flaws that makes for true love. It’s obvious you are in love with him and he with you, this separation will be a lesson to both of you…and good luck.



  • Registered Users Posts: 18,062 ✭✭✭✭ Akrasia


    It sounds like both of you are open to trying again and the break-up should have given some perspective over what each others' flaws are, but also that those flaws aren't bad enough to overcome the positives.

    I think if you're genuine about giving it another go, and he hasn't already moved on, and he still cares for you, then maybe reaching out to him again is the right thing to do.

    2 breakups is a lot, but the pandemic added a load of wierd pressures onto relationships that many people didn't have the emotional support to deal with.

    If you're genuinely interested in trying again, reach out to him. If he rejects you, at least you'll know it's over.



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    Thanks guys, I’ve asked him to get back together but he said no, deep down I know he cares for me and I think it’s self preservation as he is hurting and afraid. I don’t know what I can do to convince him I wouldn’t let him go again as I truly believe we are meant for each other and I would do anything to make this work. I’ve told him this in messages, I wanted to meet up but he said the last couple of times he saw me was really tough. The breakup was very painful and emotional for us both.



  • Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭ Citrus_8


    Ah.. I've been there. So sorry about your feelings and that things didn't turn the way they were expected. It never is easy.

    If he says no for a suggestion to get back together, you have accept it and respect. There must be a fear or something else included, as you said. This has to be respected and accepted. He may be grieving in a different way, may quicker, maybe slower, maybe doesn't want to go back even if loves. It's frustrating and I can sympathise.

    Therapy definitely will help you, just find the right therapist (needs to be a certain vibe and understanding, fluent communication). Also, with therapy very common to feel worse before it gets better. Some people loose patience and give up which makes it worse to themselves.

    Antidepressants... Again, been there. Not recommending. Not good for liver, plenty of side effects etc...

    Try to find things you love doing for yourself despite of someone being or not being together with you. It may take years learning to love yourself being single. Patience, lots of patience. Your mind may be rushing with memories and emotions. But your task now is to relax, calm yourself down, avoid big stress, give yourself plenty of time and space. And talk to friends and family to socialise a bit. Find someone you trust and lean on so they could support you, and listen to you while you bleed your feeling away... It's a slow process (at least for me).

    It will get better, trust me.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    I know I have to respect his decision and that’s one of the reasons I’m doing no contact, to not disrupt his healing. With the social media, he came up on my suggested friends list, I didn’t follow or add as I know that would be unhealthy for me. I’m going to use my time now to practice self care more and be gentler on myself. I am also unfortunately clinging on to the hope that he will miss me and reach out eventually even though I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.



  • Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭ Citrus_8


    Your thoughts, doubts and hopes are similar to what I have experienced and it's completely normal. It was exhausting to me as it was repetitive and I was going crazy trying to understand the reasons, was blaming myself a lot. These thoughts come and go frequently but each time gets easier.

    Funny but lots of romance comedies helped me. But mostly helped movies about relationships. Eg., Marriage Story on Netflix. Helps to see that we all are human with our unique problems but we all get extremely sad. Now it looks like eternity but in a life time it will be just another experience of our lives, which makes us who we are now. I have learned crying again, as it was too hard to hold inside.

    Cooking - treat yourself a bit :)



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    Citrus 8 - first of all I hope you are doing ok and minding yourself! Crying is cathartic for sure, sometimes you just need to let it all out and I do feel a kind of release after. Funnily enough I have been watching rom coms too, you’re right that we are human and it’s ok to be sad. It’s like a death really, grieving the relationship and also grieving the future that we had planned. Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share, that is filled with memories. I can’t watch any tv shows that we were watching together and sometimes I’ll sleep on his side of the bed to feel close :-(



  • Registered Users Posts: 19,462 ✭✭✭✭ Tell me how


    Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share,

    This is very significant. You haven't just had a relationship end, you've had the vision of what the rest of your life might look like change dramatically.

    A few people have mentioned it, you haven't commented on it, and you don't have to, but I strongly advise professional assistance to work through your feelings as something you should seriously consider.

    Self care, being kind to yourself and indulging a little is part of this, but you should be careful to ensure it doesn't go beyond something that is appropriate and in to negative habits. A therapy environment could help you to structure your analysis of what you are going through in a methodical way. One benefit I got from therapy was being able to compartmentalise some thoughts in to something I was going to bring up in therapy and try to not let my mind dwell on it too much outside of that.

    Everything you've been true is difficult, doing it throughout Covid even more so. It can definitely get better, having the right support will help the process.



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    I have been to different therapists and it hasn’t helped really, it’s probably a case of not finding the right one so I think it’s wise to give it another shot. I have cut out alcohol completely, I’m going to go back to the gym and I recently got a puppy who really just gives me so much love and has been a really precious addition to my life. This year I promised to do more things for myself, but the pain is so real and hard to alleviate. I know it’s supposed to get easier with time but if anything I feel like it’s been harder as I miss him immensely.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 19,462 ✭✭✭✭ Tell me how


    Yep, finding the right therapist can be a challenge and it can take several visits even before you know if they are the right one for you but you'll usually have a good feel for them on a personal level and whether or not you guys have a sufficient connection within the first session or 2 and don't be afraid to call a halt if you don't think they are right for you.

    You're doing the right things, cutting out alcohol, going to the gym, getting a dog is a big step but glad to hear that is working out well. It will definitely help with getting you up and about to take care of them and walk them.

    Don't worry either about making plans for this year or whether or not they are working out. As I said earlier, it's January, it's never a very productive time so give yourself a break.

    If it is the case that you're struggling to get good quality sleep, it would be good to improve that. There's a number of things that we can do to help promote good sleep practice although dealing with depression and a breakup can really make that difficult. Sleep effects everything obviously, our mind, our resolve, energy etc plus if we are awake, we can spend more time on negative thoughts.



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,201 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Faith


    Hello OP, you've changed your username but I think you've posted about this chap before under a different name. If you're the same person, I'm confident in saying you're recalling the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. He was awful to you, repeatedly ignoring you for long periods for imagined slights and gaslighting you. I'd advise having a read back through a couple of your old threads to remind yourself of how he made you feel (again, I'm assuming this is the same person), <Snip>

    It sounds like you're having a rubbish time alright, but this guy wasn't your soulmate and being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,502 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Big Bag of Chips


    @Faith I've snipped the links from your post. I suspect it is the same poster, but it may not be and it is not fair to highlight those threads if it is in fact a different poster.

    @Rose27588, if you have posted before please search your old threads. Or contact one of the moderators here and we can forward you the links.

    BBoC



  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,201 Mod ✭✭✭✭ Faith


    No worries, BBOC, I did hesitate and check the charter as I wasn't sure if it was allowed to post the links or not but it didn't say either way. They're not hard to find if it is the same OP and she wants to look herself anyway.



  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 11,502 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Big Bag of Chips


    being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.

    This is the line to repeat to yourself.



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    Thanks for the replies, I know my loneliness is clouding my judgement. l wish I could switch off my feelings. I haven’t seen him in 6 months and we were only in contact regarding sorting out practical matters finances etc. and me in weak moments sending emotional messages. I thought I should feel better now but I am feeling worse as time goes by.



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,416 ✭✭✭ Caranica


    We all deal with breakups differently so the main advice I can give you is be kind to yourself. The puppy is a great idea and getting active, that's all self care. Getting in touch with your ex isn't. He's your ex for a reason and if you are the poster from the previous threads I'm very very glad he's your ex, you're worth more than that.

    Look forward, not back. Delete his contact info, block him on social media (whether you're connected on platforms or not), block his numbers and emails. Take your life back.

    Listen to music, sometimes I think sad songs or breakup songs (think Adele 21 album) can actually help, but each to their own.

    Exes are exes for a reason, something was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm still friends with most of my exes but getting there took a long time with zero contact. The only ex I'm not in contact with is the one who was no good for me. My life is better without him in it.

    Moving on isn't easy, but it's worth it.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭ JoChervil


    On the other hand I don't know your story, so the guy might be a great one only you love "too much". You sound like a "complete merger". It is nothing wrong with it and might be great, if you meet another merger. But it might be disastrous, if such person do it for wrong reasons and not heaving enough own resources for it.

    Some people simply treat love like a way of escaping from themselves (similar to escaping into alcohol or any other addiction). It is easier to focus on another person (or substance) than on ourselves, especially, if we don't want to see our shortcomings.

    Therefore you need to heal and build yourself first to be sure your love is coming from a good place and is enhancing instead of suffocating. So your guy might have been a good one only protecting himself from your way of loving.

    So therapy might help you enormously to focus on yourself, understand yourself and build yourself. And build enough energy to be able to give.

    Otherwise it will be like in this story of a women selling her beautiful hair to buy a clam for her husband precious watch, while he sells his watch to buy her a beautiful hair clam as a Christmas gift. How sad such big indeed love is, when people don't have enough resources and give when they simply can't.

    He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.

    I hate to tell you this but some dating apps require Facebook or Instagram accounts to sign up afaik, so reason for it might be completely different.



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?

    I am going to go to therapy again I got a recommendation from my GP surgery, I’m at the point where I can’t burden my friends and family any more I don’t think they know what to say anymore and tend to ignore / avoid when I mention how I am feeling. I need to talk to a professional again, hopefully I click soon

    Post edited by Rose27588 on


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,400 ✭✭✭ Tork


    Do you have any legitimate reason to be still in contact with your ex? Now that the house is sold and the legalities have been sorted, is it just general chit-chat that you've been engaging in. I think you should delete his number from your phone, along with any messages you sent each other. If you think you might need his number for legitimate purposes, you could write it down in a notebook. But I feel it needs to come off your phone because it's leaving the door open.

    I think it's wise that you're going back to therapy because your issues seem to be beyond what lay people can help you with. You tolerated being treated badly by your ex and ignored red flag after red flag along the way. It's likely that most of your friends and family can't understand what sort of hold he had over you and would be disheartened to know you still want him back. As has been pointed out already, if this had been a good relationship you'd still be in it. It wasn't and your loneliness is now colouring your past, present and future.



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,508 ✭✭✭ JoChervil


    Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?

    I mean that you give yourself fully to another person and would like if another person does the same to you and together create a one unit, kind of enmeshing with each other. While we need to left for ourselves our core, our values and needs. When we merge totally with another person, so this person then has double upload to carry around.

    Of course when people do it to each other, so then they both have this upload, so OK then. But this kind of love belongs to a previous era, Pisces Era. Ages ago women represented mainly feminine side and men masculine side fully, so such exchange was needed and welcome. Now is an Auquarian Era, when people are more individual human beings developing their both masculine and feminine sides, so no need for such a full exchange. We can live separately and be happy. And if we meet someone, who can enhance our life and we can enhance their life, so it's a great bonus.

    But it is our responsibility to develop fully first, not another person to fill the void in us.



  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Rose27588


    Tork aside from the legalities and finances, he would reach out over silly things like, did he leave certain belongings behind when I’m pretty sure he knew he didn’t. He also has some mail still coming here which I have said many times he needs to get to his new address as it is a trigger for me. I know that I must have some deep rooted issues to have allowed myself to be treated badly but I know he wasn’t a bad person and had his own issues which he has told me he didn’t realize how bad it was and he is also going to therapy. Does that mean it’s healthy for me to want to get back? I know the answer is probably no. But I am really heartbroken and miserable without him



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  • Registered Users Posts: 23 Salient Verb


    Very few people are all bad and some are very good at presenting a genial appearance. This guy is certainly good at making you feel sorry for him, thats for sure but you're hardly getting all the picture. You have to weigh the information you have equally and not place so much importance on his "poor me" act. He has somehow managed to get you to keep putting him first after the relationship ended. Reaching out over silly things means he's trying to keep you on the back burner. He honestly sounds quite manipulative. Because you did the ending of the relationship, he might be trying to draw you back in so he can end it himself. You really just need more time away from him, because he is not having a good effect on your own wellbeing.



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