Miss ex terribly and want him back
-
17-01-2022 1:17am#1
I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change what caused a huge strain i.e. shutting himself off for days on end over disagreements. I explained many times I couldn’t handle it. The added pressure of working a highly stressful job during the pandemic compounded my anxieties.
Since the breakup I have been seriously depressed. I have been prescribed three different antidepressants which I had to come off due to severe side effects (suicidal thoughts and night sweats) I have been to therapy which didn’t really help. My support network has broken down as my depression has been a burden on my friends, I know it’s difficult for them to see me go from a bubbly, happy person to the way I am now and I was feeling like a drain so I don’t really have many people to talk to.
We have been on and off in touch but I decided to start no contact 2 weeks ago. He messaged me to say Merry Christmas and I wished him a good year. He has said he misses me and the past year has been really tough but he thinks if we got back together it would fail and two break ups has damaged him psychologically. He has admitted that I was a great partner and he got comfortable and coasted in the relationship.
I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.
I’m hoping the no contact will give us both perspective. I just don’t know what to do, controlling the urge to reach out is incredibly difficult but I’m using every ounce of willpower I have to stick with it. He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.
I wish there was a medicine for heartbreak because the pain is unbearable.
Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on1
Comments
-
Go back with him, ‘for the most part it was fantastic’ there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, we are all flawed, it is living with and accepting those flaws that makes for true love. It’s obvious you are in love with him and he with you, this separation will be a lesson to both of you…and good luck.
1 -
It sounds like both of you are open to trying again and the break-up should have given some perspective over what each others' flaws are, but also that those flaws aren't bad enough to overcome the positives.
I think if you're genuine about giving it another go, and he hasn't already moved on, and he still cares for you, then maybe reaching out to him again is the right thing to do.
2 breakups is a lot, but the pandemic added a load of wierd pressures onto relationships that many people didn't have the emotional support to deal with.
If you're genuinely interested in trying again, reach out to him. If he rejects you, at least you'll know it's over.
1 -
Thanks guys, I’ve asked him to get back together but he said no, deep down I know he cares for me and I think it’s self preservation as he is hurting and afraid. I don’t know what I can do to convince him I wouldn’t let him go again as I truly believe we are meant for each other and I would do anything to make this work. I’ve told him this in messages, I wanted to meet up but he said the last couple of times he saw me was really tough. The breakup was very painful and emotional for us both.
0 -
I ended my long term relationship in March. We had broken up the previous summer, went to counseling, but I felt that he didn’t put in the work to change
.........
I made the mistake of practically begging him to try again when I should have given us both space and time to heal. I miss him so much and I can’t shake the feeling that we were soulmates and I’d love for us to get back together. For the most part, the relationship was fantastic.
The above are from your original post. You finished the relationship in last March. That was a conscious decision you made, that it wasn't enough for you. In the second bolded part, you subconsciously or otherwise, recognize that you should have given you both the necessary space.
Given your comments about depression, I think you are considering going back to the relationship because you think it will help you overcome such feelings, which is understandable. That doesn't mean that you don't truly want to get back with him, but I think you can't analyse how you truly feel while being unwell.
Thanks guys, I’ve asked him to get back together but he said no, deep down I know he cares for me and I think it’s self preservation as he is hurting and afraid.
Aside from your feelings, he has now given you an answer. I think you should but look at trying to maintain a no contact approach for at least a number of months. You mention he set up social media accounts, does that mean you are keeping an eye on him even if your accounts are private. You guys may end up back together, but you've already broken up, gotten back together and broken up again. I think it is best to try to get well with respect to your mental health before any consideration of reigniting the relationship and maybe when you are in that place for a significant amount of time, allow your self to explore such thoughts, if they are still there. If they aren't there, don't go looking for them.
You are also dealing with this in a very tough time of year, post christmas, wet and cold january already brings our mental health down, dealing with depression and a breakup at that time is definitely intense. You mention anti-depressants, are you going to therapy? I have extensive experience of both and personally, medication gave me some stabilisation and was necessary, but all progress was made through the practice of therapy.
6 -
Ah.. I've been there. So sorry about your feelings and that things didn't turn the way they were expected. It never is easy.
If he says no for a suggestion to get back together, you have accept it and respect. There must be a fear or something else included, as you said. This has to be respected and accepted. He may be grieving in a different way, may quicker, maybe slower, maybe doesn't want to go back even if loves. It's frustrating and I can sympathise.
Therapy definitely will help you, just find the right therapist (needs to be a certain vibe and understanding, fluent communication). Also, with therapy very common to feel worse before it gets better. Some people loose patience and give up which makes it worse to themselves.
Antidepressants... Again, been there. Not recommending. Not good for liver, plenty of side effects etc...
Try to find things you love doing for yourself despite of someone being or not being together with you. It may take years learning to love yourself being single. Patience, lots of patience. Your mind may be rushing with memories and emotions. But your task now is to relax, calm yourself down, avoid big stress, give yourself plenty of time and space. And talk to friends and family to socialise a bit. Find someone you trust and lean on so they could support you, and listen to you while you bleed your feeling away... It's a slow process (at least for me).
It will get better, trust me.
4 -
Advertisement
-
I know I have to respect his decision and that’s one of the reasons I’m doing no contact, to not disrupt his healing. With the social media, he came up on my suggested friends list, I didn’t follow or add as I know that would be unhealthy for me. I’m going to use my time now to practice self care more and be gentler on myself. I am also unfortunately clinging on to the hope that he will miss me and reach out eventually even though I know I shouldn’t be thinking like that.
0 -
Your thoughts, doubts and hopes are similar to what I have experienced and it's completely normal. It was exhausting to me as it was repetitive and I was going crazy trying to understand the reasons, was blaming myself a lot. These thoughts come and go frequently but each time gets easier.
Funny but lots of romance comedies helped me. But mostly helped movies about relationships. Eg., Marriage Story on Netflix. Helps to see that we all are human with our unique problems but we all get extremely sad. Now it looks like eternity but in a life time it will be just another experience of our lives, which makes us who we are now. I have learned crying again, as it was too hard to hold inside.
Cooking - treat yourself a bit :)
2 -
Citrus 8 - first of all I hope you are doing ok and minding yourself! Crying is cathartic for sure, sometimes you just need to let it all out and I do feel a kind of release after. Funnily enough I have been watching rom coms too, you’re right that we are human and it’s ok to be sad. It’s like a death really, grieving the relationship and also grieving the future that we had planned. Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share, that is filled with memories. I can’t watch any tv shows that we were watching together and sometimes I’ll sleep on his side of the bed to feel close :-(
1 -
Canceling our planned wedding was extremely tough and living in the house we bought together alone, I own it now as I bought out his share,
This is very significant. You haven't just had a relationship end, you've had the vision of what the rest of your life might look like change dramatically.
A few people have mentioned it, you haven't commented on it, and you don't have to, but I strongly advise professional assistance to work through your feelings as something you should seriously consider.
Self care, being kind to yourself and indulging a little is part of this, but you should be careful to ensure it doesn't go beyond something that is appropriate and in to negative habits. A therapy environment could help you to structure your analysis of what you are going through in a methodical way. One benefit I got from therapy was being able to compartmentalise some thoughts in to something I was going to bring up in therapy and try to not let my mind dwell on it too much outside of that.
Everything you've been true is difficult, doing it throughout Covid even more so. It can definitely get better, having the right support will help the process.
3 -
I have been to different therapists and it hasn’t helped really, it’s probably a case of not finding the right one so I think it’s wise to give it another shot. I have cut out alcohol completely, I’m going to go back to the gym and I recently got a puppy who really just gives me so much love and has been a really precious addition to my life. This year I promised to do more things for myself, but the pain is so real and hard to alleviate. I know it’s supposed to get easier with time but if anything I feel like it’s been harder as I miss him immensely.
2 -
Advertisement
-
Yep, finding the right therapist can be a challenge and it can take several visits even before you know if they are the right one for you but you'll usually have a good feel for them on a personal level and whether or not you guys have a sufficient connection within the first session or 2 and don't be afraid to call a halt if you don't think they are right for you.
You're doing the right things, cutting out alcohol, going to the gym, getting a dog is a big step but glad to hear that is working out well. It will definitely help with getting you up and about to take care of them and walk them.
Don't worry either about making plans for this year or whether or not they are working out. As I said earlier, it's January, it's never a very productive time so give yourself a break.
If it is the case that you're struggling to get good quality sleep, it would be good to improve that. There's a number of things that we can do to help promote good sleep practice although dealing with depression and a breakup can really make that difficult. Sleep effects everything obviously, our mind, our resolve, energy etc plus if we are awake, we can spend more time on negative thoughts.
0 -
Rose27588, have you posted before about him? Some of the details seem a little familiar. But maybe what you are going through is just very common.
You broke up twice. He has said he doesn't want to get back together. If the relationship was mostly fantastic you wouldn't have broken up twice. Mostly fantastic is pretty much a perfect relationship. I think you are looking back with rose tinted glasses and imagining a relationship that didn't exist.
He is actually doing you a favour. He is still the same person. The reasons you broke up, twice, are still present. He hasn't fundamentally changed and if you were to get back together he would still react to disagreements in the same way.
This was not a fantastic relationship. If it was it would still be your relationship. Continue to be strong. Find other things to occupy your time. I'm not suggesting it will be easy but walking away, cutting all contact and not looking back will make your life much much easier in the longterm.
There is a nicer life for you out there. Don't go backwards.
8 -
Hello OP, you've changed your username but I think you've posted about this chap before under a different name. If you're the same person, I'm confident in saying you're recalling the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. He was awful to you, repeatedly ignoring you for long periods for imagined slights and gaslighting you. I'd advise having a read back through a couple of your old threads to remind yourself of how he made you feel (again, I'm assuming this is the same person), <Snip>
It sounds like you're having a rubbish time alright, but this guy wasn't your soulmate and being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.
Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on3 -
@Faith I've snipped the links from your post. I suspect it is the same poster, but it may not be and it is not fair to highlight those threads if it is in fact a different poster.
@Rose27588, if you have posted before please search your old threads. Or contact one of the moderators here and we can forward you the links.
BBoC
1 -
No worries, BBOC, I did hesitate and check the charter as I wasn't sure if it was allowed to post the links or not but it didn't say either way. They're not hard to find if it is the same OP and she wants to look herself anyway.
1 -
being back with him wouldn't make you any happier.
This is the line to repeat to yourself.
3 -
Were you depressed before you were with him?
I don't really like the sound of this guy, but it might be because of my own experiences. Anyway, he shuts himself off for days at a time during a relationship and thats mainly why you ended it. I think thats the right decision. No-one can be in a healthy relationship with someone like that. You would be walking on eggshells all the time, afraid to upset him.
Its taken me 18 months to get over the end of my relationship. I've realised that it was him that was making me depressed and I feel fine now. I never was depressed before I met him. Its like you get addicted to the push-pull of people who can withdraw affection/attention at the flick of a switch and it makes you overly anxious.
Like your ex, mine didn't use social media but once we had broken up (at his instigation), he started to use it a lot more. So what worked for me was finding out a lot more about him, which included finding out that in his "off" phases when he "needed to be alone" he was actually cheating on me with at least 2 other women. My ex married a woman 17 years older than him slightly less than a year after we split up. One of the things that stuck in my mind was my psychologist's look of open mouthed shock when I told her about the things he did and said. That was one of the things that made me feel better - being around normal, well adjusted, decent people. The other thing that really helped was going away abroad for a month to a glamorous ski resort and making lots of new friends - I appreciate thats easier said that done but a change of scene can work wonders.
What I really noticed in your posts is that you mentioned you have gone no contact to "help his healing". This man is not your responsibility. Stop treading on eggshells to please him. He is not a victim. He is an adult, whose behaviour has driven you away. It is you who has depression after all.
Be wary of these people who you have these on-off relationships with. One break up is bad but two is generally best never resurrected from the dead. This man does not care for you or have your best interests at heart.
Literally the only thing I miss now about my ex is that I used to be so anxious when I was involved with him that I was always really thin, whereas now I'm having to watch my weight!
So with time and meeting new people, you get to move on as a person and look back one day thankful that that was not the way your life worked out and you are still stuck in that negative situation.
5 -
Thanks for the replies, I know my loneliness is clouding my judgement. l wish I could switch off my feelings. I haven’t seen him in 6 months and we were only in contact regarding sorting out practical matters finances etc. and me in weak moments sending emotional messages. I thought I should feel better now but I am feeling worse as time goes by.
0 -
We all deal with breakups differently so the main advice I can give you is be kind to yourself. The puppy is a great idea and getting active, that's all self care. Getting in touch with your ex isn't. He's your ex for a reason and if you are the poster from the previous threads I'm very very glad he's your ex, you're worth more than that.
Look forward, not back. Delete his contact info, block him on social media (whether you're connected on platforms or not), block his numbers and emails. Take your life back.
Listen to music, sometimes I think sad songs or breakup songs (think Adele 21 album) can actually help, but each to their own.
Exes are exes for a reason, something was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm still friends with most of my exes but getting there took a long time with zero contact. The only ex I'm not in contact with is the one who was no good for me. My life is better without him in it.
Moving on isn't easy, but it's worth it.
2 -
Hi OP,
Without pushing the point too much I would continue keeping an eye out for a therapist.
I also think you’re being very hard on yourself around the expectation that you “should” be getting better by now. There are no rules to this, allow yourself some misery and accept that it’s ok to feel that way. At the moment he is the equivalent of a drug to you, he probably represents all the beautiful and perfect things about life and without him they don’t exist. Whereas there was a time in life you were very happy when you didn’t know him. But recognising that may take a long time. It’s not a snap insight that you’ll wake up with one day. More like a gradual thing until eventually you’ll feel indifferent.
I’ve been there a long time ago and it’s a dark place to be.
Again, consider another therapist, and personally I wouldn’t rule out meds again but they would have to be ones that are working for you and also being taken in conjunction with good therapy.
This stuff can be as hard as someone close to you dying, that sounds extreme but when I compare how I felt that’s how painful it is.
5 -
Advertisement
-
I am afraid Rose that you will keep feeling worse, because you really didn't break up with him. You made a pause to connect with him later. So if this is a case, you will feel worse with each day because with each day passing by, you will realise that your break up is really happening. You won't heal, if you don't make it final, then grieve and move on.
I know where you are coming from because I was in a such situation ages ago. I gave him a space to "realise that I am the best woman for him" and "that no-one will love him like I do" etc. And that he will be back. I guess it was the only way for me to get through it back then. First loves are just like that. You just fall into it with no self-protection, while we need to have boundaries. It took me many years to heal and learn how to love in a healthy way. So trust me, you loved once, you will love again. Just treat it as a painful life lesson. The sooner you will start fully grieving, the better.
7 -
I don't know if now some dog's tails are cut, but back than it was normal. So someone said to me: what would you prefer, if you were a dog to have a tail cut in one clean cut or in hundreds of slices. How much more painful is the other way and the result will be exactly the same.
We can't live without hope. You have put your hope in reconnecting with him. So instead put your hope in creating a new healthy relationship with a better man for you. And learn how to do it and how to avoid previous mistakes. I am pretty sure that if you have learned how to set proper boundaries, you wouldn't have fallen so deeply in love with someone, who doesn't deserve it.
5 -
I'm a firm believer that there are several aspects of our life that contribute to our happiness or unhappiness and keep us on an even keel. For example, self image, relationships, friends, family, work, finances, health, hobbies, diet, sleep, pets etc.
If one or two of those aspects takes a hit, e.g. relationship breakdown, job loss etc. most people will manage to deal with it because the other aspects are all still going well.
It only becomes a problem if too many things take a negative turn at the same time, that we begin to feel miserable. In your case, your self image isn't good, your relationship broken down and you consider your friendships at risk. No wonder you aren't feeling great.
You need to look at everything that contributes to your happiness and wellbeing, list them all and then look at all those that aren't working well for you right now.
The ones you can do nothing about I.e. your relationship, just park. Feel the hurt etc but don't try change it because you can't.
Instead focus on the ones you can change. You can do more things with your friends that are just fun, see a movie, go for dinner, have a laugh. With your mental health, see the therapist, get more exercise, try sleep more/bed earlier etc.
Once you start to get the controllable aspects to improve, then the uncontrollable one doesn't seem as bad because the others are compensating.
Heartache is ****. Nearly everyone goes through it at some stage but focus on what you can change and it will help reduce the heartache and mental anguish that goes with it.
7 -
On the other hand I don't know your story, so the guy might be a great one only you love "too much". You sound like a "complete merger". It is nothing wrong with it and might be great, if you meet another merger. But it might be disastrous, if such person do it for wrong reasons and not heaving enough own resources for it.
Some people simply treat love like a way of escaping from themselves (similar to escaping into alcohol or any other addiction). It is easier to focus on another person (or substance) than on ourselves, especially, if we don't want to see our shortcomings.
Therefore you need to heal and build yourself first to be sure your love is coming from a good place and is enhancing instead of suffocating. So your guy might have been a good one only protecting himself from your way of loving.
So therapy might help you enormously to focus on yourself, understand yourself and build yourself. And build enough energy to be able to give.
Otherwise it will be like in this story of a women selling her beautiful hair to buy a clam for her husband precious watch, while he sells his watch to buy her a beautiful hair clam as a Christmas gift. How sad such big indeed love is, when people don't have enough resources and give when they simply can't.
He has also made Facebook and Instagram accounts but he was always very anti social media. My gut feeling is he wanted to see what I was up to but my accounts are private anyway.
I hate to tell you this but some dating apps require Facebook or Instagram accounts to sign up afaik, so reason for it might be completely different.
0 -
Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?
I am going to go to therapy again I got a recommendation from my GP surgery, I’m at the point where I can’t burden my friends and family any more I don’t think they know what to say anymore and tend to ignore / avoid when I mention how I am feeling. I need to talk to a professional again, hopefully I click soon
Post edited by Rose27588 on0 -
Do you have any legitimate reason to be still in contact with your ex? Now that the house is sold and the legalities have been sorted, is it just general chit-chat that you've been engaging in. I think you should delete his number from your phone, along with any messages you sent each other. If you think you might need his number for legitimate purposes, you could write it down in a notebook. But I feel it needs to come off your phone because it's leaving the door open.
I think it's wise that you're going back to therapy because your issues seem to be beyond what lay people can help you with. You tolerated being treated badly by your ex and ignored red flag after red flag along the way. It's likely that most of your friends and family can't understand what sort of hold he had over you and would be disheartened to know you still want him back. As has been pointed out already, if this had been a good relationship you'd still be in it. It wasn't and your loneliness is now colouring your past, present and future.
2 -
Jochervil, I resonate with a lot of what you have said, out of curiosity what do you mean by ‘complete merger’ in relationship terms?
I mean that you give yourself fully to another person and would like if another person does the same to you and together create a one unit, kind of enmeshing with each other. While we need to left for ourselves our core, our values and needs. When we merge totally with another person, so this person then has double upload to carry around.
Of course when people do it to each other, so then they both have this upload, so OK then. But this kind of love belongs to a previous era, Pisces Era. Ages ago women represented mainly feminine side and men masculine side fully, so such exchange was needed and welcome. Now is an Auquarian Era, when people are more individual human beings developing their both masculine and feminine sides, so no need for such a full exchange. We can live separately and be happy. And if we meet someone, who can enhance our life and we can enhance their life, so it's a great bonus.
But it is our responsibility to develop fully first, not another person to fill the void in us.
0 -
Tork aside from the legalities and finances, he would reach out over silly things like, did he leave certain belongings behind when I’m pretty sure he knew he didn’t. He also has some mail still coming here which I have said many times he needs to get to his new address as it is a trigger for me. I know that I must have some deep rooted issues to have allowed myself to be treated badly but I know he wasn’t a bad person and had his own issues which he has told me he didn’t realize how bad it was and he is also going to therapy. Does that mean it’s healthy for me to want to get back? I know the answer is probably no. But I am really heartbroken and miserable without him
0 -
You've not closed the door on this guy in any shape or form. That comment about him now being in therapy translates to me as "I'm going to hang around and wait until he gets fixed".
On the mail thing, he has had more than enough time to change his address and stop his mail coming to the house he no longer lives in. It's not that hard to do, especially in this day and age. Failing that, An Post offers a mail redirection service. You're being way too soft on him here - you should be writing "Return to sender" on the envelopes and shoving them through a letterbox. You don't need to know where he is living now but he shouldn't be having his mail sent to you
7 -
Advertisement
-
Very few people are all bad and some are very good at presenting a genial appearance. This guy is certainly good at making you feel sorry for him, thats for sure but you're hardly getting all the picture. You have to weigh the information you have equally and not place so much importance on his "poor me" act. He has somehow managed to get you to keep putting him first after the relationship ended. Reaching out over silly things means he's trying to keep you on the back burner. He honestly sounds quite manipulative. Because you did the ending of the relationship, he might be trying to draw you back in so he can end it himself. You really just need more time away from him, because he is not having a good effect on your own wellbeing.
0
