Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Married Men - A Gay Lads View - Have you ever had an experience?

Options
24567…21

Comments

  • Options
    #32
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443751#Comment_118443751

    The feeling better part is the gay part.



  • Options
    #33
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,885 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443762#Comment_118443762

    It isnt though and it's not up to you to decide other people's sexuality



  • Options
    #34
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 533 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I suspect the bi population is significantly under estimated because of a reluctance to talk about it until very recently. People have been “checking out the other side of the fence” since the dawn of time by the looks of it.

    Cheating on your wife or husband however, is cheating on your wife or husband, regardless of what the gender of the person you’re cheating with is. If you’re shagging other people behind your partner’s back, that is what it is. If your marriage isn’t working, be open about it and get a divorce.

    I would also suspect the mass use of Tinder and Grindr etc plays a big role in accessibility to flings and one night stands though.

    There are probably plenty of happily married bi people out there though, in heterosexual relationships. No reason why they wouldn’t be.

    Hopefully the scenario of gay people ending up in heterosexual marriages, due to social pressure is a thing of the past though.

    I think back in the day, when things like sex before marriage and living together was a taboo, a lot of people ended up in marriages that just didn’t work. You’d gay partners, but you also had vastly more straight couples who just couldn’t stand each other and it was all held to together with no access to divorce.

    Ireland was a weird place, the first divorce not until 1997!!?? and until very recently the whole process was so drawn out (having to be separated for 5 years and so on) that it probably (and I would assume that was the intention of the framers of the law) destroyed peoples lives by dragging them through years and years of mess and having to deal with the Circuit Court etc.

    I know I’ve several extended family members (heterosexual) who emigrated to get out of bad marriages, effectively living in exile for years (decades in one case) because of Ireland’s formerly crazy conservative laws.

    Hopefully, we never see an era like that again.

    I think though we do need to be a lot more accepting that there is a continuum between straight and gay and a lot of people seem to be somewhere along that spectrum and are bi. There shouldn’t be any issues identifying as bi, but often there’s still a sense that people have to pick one of two labels - straight or gay.

    The result of that has often been bi people aren’t comfortable about being bi. They’re not straight, yet they often seem to feel like outsiders in the gay community too. You still get people with notions that they’re “kidding themselves” or that they’re in the closet etc. it’s remarkable how tribal some people get about labels.



  • Options
    #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443771#Comment_118443771

    Why not ? I can consider a man (and do) enjoying oral sex with another man as gay. They can consider themselves straight if they like (or a martian). It won't change my mind. Is that not okay with you?



  • Options
    #36
    Thelonious Monk
    Registered Users Posts: 13,885 ✭✭✭✭Thelonious Monk


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443797#Comment_118443797

    Ok but it isn't that black and white regardless of what you think, try opening your mind a little.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #37
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443804#Comment_118443804

    That's just plain condescending. But, we shouldn't lose sleep over each others definitions of sexuality.

    There is, I suspect, a whole load of psychological issues tied up with thinking there are lots of straight men out there enjoying sexual relationships with men. Ranging from sexual fantasies to anger at hypocrisy. I simply see them as gay or bi.



  • Options
    #38
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 533 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    If you enjoy sex with women and men you’re bi and there’s absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with that.

    Better to just open your mind to the fact that it’s the reality of a significant number of people’s lives and just enjoy who you are rather than whacking some weird taboo on it about feeling attraction to another guy.

    None of this should be hiding in the shadows afraid of what people might think or needing to cling to a straight label.



  • Options
    #39
    JupiterKid
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,618 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid


    The whole "married men" (a term that is, in itself, now outdated, as gay men can be married to each other) thing is a sight to behold.

    I think there's a few things going on here:

    1. Gay men deep in the closet hiding in a heterosexual marriage. Very, very common in the past but thankfully on the major wane now. I'm on a FB group for gay men over 40 and you would not believe the number of gay men in their 40s and 50s, mainly in the USA and Canada, who have come out recently after divorcing their wives, some amicably and many others acrimonious.

    Most of these men are fathers of teenage or adult children and indeed some are even grandfathers. They often post how happy and free they are now, but I do think "what of your wives who you deceived for so long?" - mind you, if I posted that up, I might be seriously ostracised and attacked by those said guys and be a persona non-grata on the group! 😬🤭

    Societal homophobia is largely responsible for forcing gay men into straight marriages. Understandable in the past but no excuse for it now. Cheating is a sh*tty thing and immoral to do and these guys can make endless justifications for their cheating with other men. Gay saunas are very popular with many of these lads.

    2. Married men who are bi or "bi-curious." Sexuality is a spectrum, so there would be quite a few bisexual men married to women but sleeping with other men (and other women too). That said, most bi people are faithful to their partners and are not selfish hedonists wanting the best of both worlds - a damaging stereotype.

    3. Men who are straight but like to odd encounter with another guy as the sex at home has dried up and hooking up with other men is very easy. Convenience and an outlet for sexual frustration. Men are basically horndogs and are always looking for a sexual outlet - it's just nature and the way us men - gay or straight - are hard-wired.

    I've seen all those scenarios in the past. The number of men married to women but who have sex with men on the sly is a real eye-opener. These days I try not to judge...



  • Options
    #40
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,092 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

    I'd be 100% in agreement with you J, save for this bit:

    Men who are straight but like to odd encounter with another guy as the sex at home has dried up and hooking up with other men is very easy.

    I'd still call them Bi. An actually Straight man is going to sort himself out, find a woman to have an affair with or even hire one, way before even the thought of going for another man.

    On your point 1 I really don't know how those guys could lie about that for so long. I don't mean the society being utter pricks to Gay men so they hid part, I mean setting up a life, having kids and all that stuff with a woman when you're Gay. How could someone be able to do that? I'm trying to picture myself in that kinda situation. I dunno like if I fell into another demension that was exactly like our own only being Gay was the "norm" and being Straight was beyond the Pale. No way in hell could I shack up with a bloke, go through all the getting married, setting up a home, having kids etc. Jesus, the very thought... I'd become a monk and pull the skeleton outa myself to Straight porn, or go to Straight bars if they existed. Though the thought occurs that if I had grown up in such a world would my mind become more accepting of it, at least enough to go be able to through with such a ruse?

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Options
    #41
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

    I disagree that sexuality is on a spectrum.

    If you are attracted to and want to perform sexual acts with the opposite biological sex exclusively, you are straight.

    If you are attracted to or are willing to participate in sexual activity with either sex, you are bi.

    If you are attracted to and willing to participate in sexual activity with the same sex exclusively, you are gay.



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #42
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,081 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    I don't know if it's necessarily deception, JupiterKid.

    And of course there are loads of women who married men, had kids, etc. and then they separated and entered into a lesbian relationship.

    Whether a man or a woman, it doesn't necessarily mean that that person entered into the first relationship with an intent to deceive. In a heteronormative society, getting married and having kids was just what you did. Sure plenty of hetero people married whatever semi-suitable candidate came along, maybe someone they liked as opposed to loved but it's very easy to deceive oneself on that score. Marry in haste, repent at leisure as they say. It's easy enough to imagine someone who was in denial or was afraid to explore their sexuality entering into a hetero marriage with every intention of making it work. When it eventually broke down and they realised their sexual interests lay elsewhere it doesn't make them a bad person. At the end of the day if your spouse leaves you for another person, does the gender of that person make the act of leaving any better or worse? No.

    At least nowadays we're a lot more open about sexuality of all sorts and the idea that someone would pair up and get (straight) married just because it was the done thing is pretty much a thing of the past.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



  • Options
    #43
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Wouldn't think it is that common but I'm sure it does happen.

    Post edited by AckwelFoley on


  • Options
    #44
    pauliebdub
    Registered Users Posts: 1,061 ✭✭✭pauliebdub


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058226796/married-men-a-gay-lads-view-have-you-ever-had-an-experience

    Theres lots of bisexual men out there who are married to women, couldn't say for sure whether they are happy or not. As an openly gay man one thing I can say is that you're almost guaranteed rubbish shame filled sex if you ever hook up with one.

    On Grindr for example there are so many faceless profiles, in 2022 when it is almost completely acceptable to be gay in Ireland would that be the case unless they something to hide.



  • Options
    #45
    Yellow_Fern
    Registered Users Posts: 2,578 ✭✭✭Yellow_Fern


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443776#Comment_118443776

    The data would probably indicate that unhappy marriages are more common today than in the past



  • Options
    #46
    Yellow_Fern
    Registered Users Posts: 2,578 ✭✭✭Yellow_Fern


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118445524#Comment_118445524

    And I am sure there are many gay men who are in the closet hetros.



  • Options
    #47
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 533 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446033#Comment_118446033

    Old data would be highly suspect given that a broken down marriage in those days was considered to be a taboo, divorce didn’t legally exist and nobody talked about marital problems.



  • Options
    #48
    Hotblack Desiato
    Registered Users Posts: 34,081 ✭✭✭✭Hotblack Desiato


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446050#Comment_118446050

    Pushing your conservative religious agenda on a thread like this is totally pathetic.

    Fingal County Council are certainly not competent to be making decisions about the most important piece of infrastructure on the island. They need to stick to badly designed cycle lanes and deciding on whether Mrs Murphy can have her kitchen extension.



  • Options
    #49
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

    I think the key here is what a gay man thinks is straight and what a straight man thinks is straight.

    So, it seems common that gay men think men can be straight but every now and then they get horny and there's no women around they will settle for sex with a man.

    No matter how many of these type of men that come into your orbit they are not straight, certainly not straight in the way a straight man thinks. It may satisfy some need in gay men to think this... you could probably do many PhDs on it... I'm taking it you think all men are gay to some level or would have sex with a man if left without sex long enough. I wholeheartedly disagree. But, what do I know... I'm a straight, white, middle class, professional, Christian heritage* male... I'm the epitome of what's wrong with the world.

    * not actually religious



  • Options
    #50
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,897 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442383#Comment_118442383

    Going by some of the apps I dont think it is rare at all.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #51
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446050#Comment_118446050

    That's rubbish also. There were Societal pressures as to why gay men were in the closet, including violence and prison. No such pressure exists for straight men.


    Yet, anyway 😅



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #52
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Also, would the OP post in an LGBTQ+ forum asking if any married lesbians had any experience of sex with men... I'm guessing you'd not be getting as calm a discussion as is happening here 😝



  • Options
    #53
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,897 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446748#Comment_118446748

    I dont believe its that simple. There are lots of straight men whove had gay encounters but they are straight. Medical statisticians have to use the term "men who have sex with men" because some men who identify as straight do from to time have sex with men. I had sex with a straight guy once who just got horny and curious. It happened. He's still straight.

    Everyone doesnt fit neatly into a box. Not sure its worth people getting upset because the label they insist on giving someone may not be applicable.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #54
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446844#Comment_118446844

    We can go around in circles all night the 'straight' guy you had gay sex with isn't straight.

    You can think there's lots of men out there who you consider straight having gay sex, it's likely we're not going to change each others perceptions or Definitions.

    What I have learned is that within gay culture they have a different perception of straight. You can't argue with belief.



  • Options
    #55
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,541 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443751#Comment_118443751

    Being straight/gay isn't just 'being attracted to' someone, it's whether or not you CAN engage with a gender on that level.

    If you're able to do that with other guys without being extremely uncomfortable (I'd literally feel sick to the stomach at the idea) then you are not straight.



  • Options
    #56
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 533 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Experiments and drunken horny encounters happen and don’t equate to regular sex with guys and that being a part of your sex life.

    While labels aren’t very relevant, being able to have the support of a community is important and realising you’re not on your own is a big deal, but I really don’t get why some people are so freaked out by just identifying as bi if they like both.

    Seems like a big dollop of internalised homophobia is still at play. I’ve this vision of back thumping, fist bumps, passionate sex, but a bit like it’s a trip to the gym and then lots of high fiving about how totally straight they are. Check out those abs …



  • Options
    #57
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118447029#Comment_118447029

    But, thats not the full story. Some members of the gay community (here at least) are now saying these men are straight - I don't think it's going to catch on, and I do think there's a Schadenfreude element to it, but shur it's not something I'm going to get het up about.



  • Options
    #58
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118447005#Comment_118447005

    If people who have sexual activity with people of the same sex can identify as straight, and biological men can identify as women, then what's the **** point of words and definitions any more?



  • Options
    #59
    AckwelFoley
    Registered Users Posts: 12,556 ✭✭✭✭AckwelFoley


    Prison is full af straight men that have sexual encounters with other men. It's not considered at all gay.


    This is why I make sure and pay my TV licence so i don't end up in Prison



  • Options
    #60
    walshb
    Registered Users Posts: 54,704 ✭✭✭✭walshb


    Sexual urges/attractions/desires are far from black and white. We should know this by now. No such thing as 100 percent anything when it comes to sexual tags!



  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #61
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 40,897 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118447050#Comment_118447050

    Thats the thing. You are getting het up about it. Not sure why.

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



Advertisement