Married Men - A Gay Lads View - Have you ever had an experience?

Liberty_Bear

Posting it in here as this concerns mostly 'straight lads'. Was holding court today with the fellow gays over a coffee outdoors as we normally do once or twice a month. The topic of married lads came up. Never shocks us GBT lads but jaysis if the wives of Ireland knew their hubbies were in flagrante delicto then there would be blue murder! Came across this article

https://theconversation.com/why-some-straight-men-have-sex-with-other-men-160140

From the Article

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men, and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Female friends find this intriguing - one has admitted her husband was allowed to meet his friend and their sex life improved. Once a month he got a night with his friend, few beers. The husband and his male companion identified as straight.

Opening the floor to the AH for their thoughts - straight men have you entertained such thoughts? Do you feel guilty? Do you feel at ease?

No judgement here just intrigued! (and do forgive my whimsical intro!)

Yellow_Fern

Not at all. Id say it is pretty rare

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442383#Comment_118442383

When you say pretty rare , would you say it is something that has come to mind the very odd time?

Mr Burny

Urgh I’ve never heard of such deviancy

Yellow_Fern

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442389#Comment_118442389

No. It also undercuts the argument that being gay is hard and fast unchangeable characteristic.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442390#Comment_118442390

You are missing out my friend <3

SamStonesArm

According to my twin brother who is gay, it appears a few of the lads I know growing up who are married now or in a relationship with a lady have played the rusty trombone a few times.

Cheating on a partner is a dick move .

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442394#Comment_118442394

That has been my experience as well ... a lot of men have told us up front that their wives are no longer intimate with them

ZoZoZo

News at 10, some gay men are still in the closet, end of thread.

I hate to break it to you but I can't imagine that that article is anything other than gay fantasy porn.

SamStonesArm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442396#Comment_118442396

I never thought about it until my twin said it to me. Seems to be fairly popular.

Some chap a few years back was chatting away to me on Facebook and said he liked me , would like to meet up , bla bla bla and I told him I was straight and he said that I. His experience they're all straight untill they get their "serviced by him". Fecking hornier than us straight dudes hahahaha.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442392#Comment_118442392

Neurobiology counters that sexuality realistically is hard wired. That old Dublin truism that every hole is a goal maybe applies here. A lot of these men still identify as straight

Yellow_Fern

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442405#Comment_118442405

It really isnt, hence bis exist. I never heard of that 'truism'.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442413#Comment_118442413

Bis exist in much the same vain as trans, gay and lesbians. Product of the genetics they inherited. Were such things environmental then such things would not exist in the animal kingdom (the penguins swing both ways)

Ive heard it from plenty of lads - they would get up on the crack of a plate either due to being horny or insatiable and not getting it anywhere. Hop on any of the apps and married lads ten a penny...

Yellow_Fern

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442420#Comment_118442420

 Were such things environmental then such things would not exist in the animal kingdom does not follow. Environmental can switch on aspects of development.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442432#Comment_118442432

Actually this is interesting...Nature did report that it was 25% contributed to genetics

https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-019-02585-6

“There is no ‘gay gene’,” says lead study author Andrea Ganna, a geneticist at the Broad Institute of MIT and Harvard in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Ganna and his colleagues also used the analysis to estimate that up to 25% of sexual behaviour can be explained by genetics, with the rest influenced by environmental and cultural factors — a figure similar to the findings of smaller studies.

“This is a solid study,” says Melinda Mills, a sociologist at the University of Oxford, UK, who studies the genetic basis of reproductive behaviours.

Thus how is it then straight men come knocking on our doors then?

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442420#Comment_118442420

If men sleep with both women and men then they're bisexual.

They can dress it up in whatever linguistic hula hoops they want, it doesn't really change the fact.

Or they are not straight. 🙄

I can see it now gay men considered straight because they identify as straight.

They are not straight, they are either gay or bi.

And as for gay men marrying women... Been happening as long as being gay has been taboo. Hopefully that thinking is redundant and gay men can lead full open lives.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442436#Comment_118442436

Why would you think they are straight? Bizarre.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442442#Comment_118442442

Labelling as far as I can see is pretty much redundant, sexuality has become so much more fluidic these days in my purview. Slowly seeing that a lot of men that we might have considered as traditionally straight are actually interested in sex with men. If a man has slept with a man, found its not for him...not a gay or bisexual man does it make.

SamStonesArm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442445#Comment_118442445

Would the lads who tried it and found it wasnt for them not be classed as bi-curious with answers .

It makes him gay. No straight man would consider having sex with a man.

Were there more gay men in society going through their whole lives in denial, yes. It was bloody illegal up until relatively recently, decried by all major religions and made traditional mammies cry. So huge pressure... these lads are now experimenting with their sexuality. Good for them, it's only a pity they've mislead their wives

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442449#Comment_118442449

Ive read the term straight but curious in some aspect...Id still call them straight tbh

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442452#Comment_118442452

You can, if you wish to delude yourself. You can make up any name you like for them. No harm in it, whatever works for you

Larbre34

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442449#Comment_118442449

Lapsed bi-curious, or in the bi-curious cup but knocked out by Cambridge at home.

Theres an unreality about this thread that seems to treat sex between men who are in other committed relationships as some sort of relief valve or right of passage.

But let's be clear, if a bloke is married or in a long term settled relationship that mirrors a marriage, and he has sex with a woman, or a man or a farm animal who isn't his wife or partner, then he's being unfaithful or cheating if you prefer the term.

Theres no such thing as a freebie for acts of homosexual infidelity.

SamStonesArm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442499#Comment_118442499

I 100% agree with you. It done my bulb in when Philip Schofield came out and people where fawning over him and saying how brave he was.

Yeah fair play to him but he still lied to his wife for over 20 years about who he really was.

As far as I know they are still getting on which is great. Still doesn't stop him being a liar to her for so long.

I'll probably get hate for this but hey , it is what it is

theteal

Reminds me of an uncomfortable encounter from about 6 months ago that I try to file under banished memory. I was propositioned by one of said married straight men - I presume all true facts, he repeated them enough times. I thought it was a wind-up at first but his continued efforts to convince me it was "alright" helped kill the jovial atmosphere and replaced it with sheer awkwardness. I just cut him off and walked away in the end. Being a straight married man, I have zero interest in those kind of shenanigans (putting it mildly). This was a relatively large rural town out wesht.

Lack of intimacy at home is no excuse. Fix or end that relationship. Playing away from home is scummy and stop trying to convince yourself you're straight.

I've just realised the 'straight' guy for a gay man is the equivalent fantasy as a lesbian is for a straight man. 😅

Thelonious Monk

Most blokes whether straight or whatever can just go on Grindr and get sucked off by another bloke within minutes, this isn't possible to achieve so easily with another woman. I would imagine these straight guys would choose women if they could but it isn't available in the same way. Simple as that, at the end of the day it's just friction on your dick regardless of who's doing it.

Sex is sex. You can enjoy it with either sex, no matter what your own.

Men being men (massive generalisation, I know) are more open about wanting sex. So, stands to reason it is easier to have sex with men, for women and men.

Anyone doing it behind their partners back is a dick though.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443602#Comment_118443602

Do they not have any hands? Men going on grinder to get sucked off are gay.

But, we live in a new world where identifying as straight may be considered enough to be considered straight. It will never make them straight by my definition. Getting aroused by man to get a blow job = gay or bi.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443656#Comment_118443656

It's not that simple though. I mean I could just let some bloke suck me off and not be attracted to them at all does that make me gay? sure they could use their hands but why not use some dudes mouth if it feels better?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443751#Comment_118443751

The feeling better part is the gay part.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443762#Comment_118443762

It isnt though and it's not up to you to decide other people's sexuality

I suspect the bi population is significantly under estimated because of a reluctance to talk about it until very recently. People have been “checking out the other side of the fence” since the dawn of time by the looks of it.

Cheating on your wife or husband however, is cheating on your wife or husband, regardless of what the gender of the person you’re cheating with is. If you’re shagging other people behind your partner’s back, that is what it is. If your marriage isn’t working, be open about it and get a divorce.

I would also suspect the mass use of Tinder and Grindr etc plays a big role in accessibility to flings and one night stands though.

There are probably plenty of happily married bi people out there though, in heterosexual relationships. No reason why they wouldn’t be.

Hopefully the scenario of gay people ending up in heterosexual marriages, due to social pressure is a thing of the past though.

I think back in the day, when things like sex before marriage and living together was a taboo, a lot of people ended up in marriages that just didn’t work. You’d gay partners, but you also had vastly more straight couples who just couldn’t stand each other and it was all held to together with no access to divorce.

Ireland was a weird place, the first divorce not until 1997!!?? and until very recently the whole process was so drawn out (having to be separated for 5 years and so on) that it probably (and I would assume that was the intention of the framers of the law) destroyed peoples lives by dragging them through years and years of mess and having to deal with the Circuit Court etc.

I know I’ve several extended family members (heterosexual) who emigrated to get out of bad marriages, effectively living in exile for years (decades in one case) because of Ireland’s formerly crazy conservative laws.

Hopefully, we never see an era like that again.

I think though we do need to be a lot more accepting that there is a continuum between straight and gay and a lot of people seem to be somewhere along that spectrum and are bi. There shouldn’t be any issues identifying as bi, but often there’s still a sense that people have to pick one of two labels - straight or gay.

The result of that has often been bi people aren’t comfortable about being bi. They’re not straight, yet they often seem to feel like outsiders in the gay community too. You still get people with notions that they’re “kidding themselves” or that they’re in the closet etc. it’s remarkable how tribal some people get about labels.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443771#Comment_118443771

Why not ? I can consider a man (and do) enjoying oral sex with another man as gay. They can consider themselves straight if they like (or a martian). It won't change my mind. Is that not okay with you?

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443797#Comment_118443797

Ok but it isn't that black and white regardless of what you think, try opening your mind a little.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443804#Comment_118443804

That's just plain condescending. But, we shouldn't lose sleep over each others definitions of sexuality.

There is, I suspect, a whole load of psychological issues tied up with thinking there are lots of straight men out there enjoying sexual relationships with men. Ranging from sexual fantasies to anger at hypocrisy. I simply see them as gay or bi.

If you enjoy sex with women and men you’re bi and there’s absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with that.

Better to just open your mind to the fact that it’s the reality of a significant number of people’s lives and just enjoy who you are rather than whacking some weird taboo on it about feeling attraction to another guy.

None of this should be hiding in the shadows afraid of what people might think or needing to cling to a straight label.

JupiterKid

The whole "married men" (a term that is, in itself, now outdated, as gay men can be married to each other) thing is a sight to behold.

I think there's a few things going on here:

1. Gay men deep in the closet hiding in a heterosexual marriage. Very, very common in the past but thankfully on the major wane now. I'm on a FB group for gay men over 40 and you would not believe the number of gay men in their 40s and 50s, mainly in the USA and Canada, who have come out recently after divorcing their wives, some amicably and many others acrimonious.

Most of these men are fathers of teenage or adult children and indeed some are even grandfathers. They often post how happy and free they are now, but I do think "what of your wives who you deceived for so long?" - mind you, if I posted that up, I might be seriously ostracised and attacked by those said guys and be a persona non-grata on the group! 😬🤭

Societal homophobia is largely responsible for forcing gay men into straight marriages. Understandable in the past but no excuse for it now. Cheating is a sh*tty thing and immoral to do and these guys can make endless justifications for their cheating with other men. Gay saunas are very popular with many of these lads.

2. Married men who are bi or "bi-curious." Sexuality is a spectrum, so there would be quite a few bisexual men married to women but sleeping with other men (and other women too). That said, most bi people are faithful to their partners and are not selfish hedonists wanting the best of both worlds - a damaging stereotype.

3. Men who are straight but like to odd encounter with another guy as the sex at home has dried up and hooking up with other men is very easy. Convenience and an outlet for sexual frustration. Men are basically horndogs and are always looking for a sexual outlet - it's just nature and the way us men - gay or straight - are hard-wired.

I've seen all those scenarios in the past. The number of men married to women but who have sex with men on the sly is a real eye-opener. These days I try not to judge...

Wibbs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

I'd be 100% in agreement with you J, save for this bit:

Men who are straight but like to odd encounter with another guy as the sex at home has dried up and hooking up with other men is very easy.

I'd still call them Bi. An actually Straight man is going to sort himself out, find a woman to have an affair with or even hire one, way before even the thought of going for another man.

On your point 1 I really don't know how those guys could lie about that for so long. I don't mean the society being utter pricks to Gay men so they hid part, I mean setting up a life, having kids and all that stuff with a woman when you're Gay. How could someone be able to do that? I'm trying to picture myself in that kinda situation. I dunno like if I fell into another demension that was exactly like our own only being Gay was the "norm" and being Straight was beyond the Pale. No way in hell could I shack up with a bloke, go through all the getting married, setting up a home, having kids etc. Jesus, the very thought... I'd become a monk and pull the skeleton outa myself to Straight porn, or go to Straight bars if they existed. Though the thought occurs that if I had grown up in such a world would my mind become more accepting of it, at least enough to go be able to through with such a ruse?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

I disagree that sexuality is on a spectrum.

If you are attracted to and want to perform sexual acts with the opposite biological sex exclusively, you are straight.

If you are attracted to or are willing to participate in sexual activity with either sex, you are bi.

If you are attracted to and willing to participate in sexual activity with the same sex exclusively, you are gay.

Hotblack Desiato

I don't know if it's necessarily deception, JupiterKid.

And of course there are loads of women who married men, had kids, etc. and then they separated and entered into a lesbian relationship.

Whether a man or a woman, it doesn't necessarily mean that that person entered into the first relationship with an intent to deceive. In a heteronormative society, getting married and having kids was just what you did. Sure plenty of hetero people married whatever semi-suitable candidate came along, maybe someone they liked as opposed to loved but it's very easy to deceive oneself on that score. Marry in haste, repent at leisure as they say. It's easy enough to imagine someone who was in denial or was afraid to explore their sexuality entering into a hetero marriage with every intention of making it work. When it eventually broke down and they realised their sexual interests lay elsewhere it doesn't make them a bad person. At the end of the day if your spouse leaves you for another person, does the gender of that person make the act of leaving any better or worse? No.

At least nowadays we're a lot more open about sexuality of all sorts and the idea that someone would pair up and get (straight) married just because it was the done thing is pretty much a thing of the past.

AckwelFoley

Wouldn't think it is that common but I'm sure it does happen.

pauliebdub

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058226796/married-men-a-gay-lads-view-have-you-ever-had-an-experience

Theres lots of bisexual men out there who are married to women, couldn't say for sure whether they are happy or not. As an openly gay man one thing I can say is that you're almost guaranteed rubbish shame filled sex if you ever hook up with one.

On Grindr for example there are so many faceless profiles, in 2022 when it is almost completely acceptable to be gay in Ireland would that be the case unless they something to hide.

Yellow_Fern

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118443776#Comment_118443776

The data would probably indicate that unhappy marriages are more common today than in the past

Yellow_Fern

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118445524#Comment_118445524

And I am sure there are many gay men who are in the closet hetros.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446033#Comment_118446033

Old data would be highly suspect given that a broken down marriage in those days was considered to be a taboo, divorce didn’t legally exist and nobody talked about marital problems.

Hotblack Desiato

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446050#Comment_118446050

Pushing your conservative religious agenda on a thread like this is totally pathetic.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118444453#Comment_118444453

I think the key here is what a gay man thinks is straight and what a straight man thinks is straight.

So, it seems common that gay men think men can be straight but every now and then they get horny and there's no women around they will settle for sex with a man.

No matter how many of these type of men that come into your orbit they are not straight, certainly not straight in the way a straight man thinks. It may satisfy some need in gay men to think this... you could probably do many PhDs on it... I'm taking it you think all men are gay to some level or would have sex with a man if left without sex long enough. I wholeheartedly disagree. But, what do I know... I'm a straight, white, middle class, professional, Christian heritage* male... I'm the epitome of what's wrong with the world.

* not actually religious

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118442383#Comment_118442383

Going by some of the apps I dont think it is rare at all.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446050#Comment_118446050

That's rubbish also. There were Societal pressures as to why gay men were in the closet, including violence and prison. No such pressure exists for straight men.

Yet, anyway 😅