Should I ask a Co worker out for a 2nd time?

Pureawkward

Hi everyone,

Bit of an awkward one here,

About 6 months ago I asked co worker out on a date, now she didn't say no and to be fair she was only out of a relationship(2months). She told me she was scarred from her relationship ending and that her ex was abusive to her mentally.

Well initially I took it as a no she just wasn't interested and that she said that as a way of letting me down easy which I was good with anyway I ask girls out generally and some say yes some say no so we weren't awkward after I asked we get on quite well.

Now fast forward a few more months and I feel like she's constantly hinting at me to ask her out again

We have abit of banter and she's confided in me about certain things in her life. But nearly every week she's going out of her way to tell me she has no plans for the weekend or the following week I don't even ask her what she's up to for the weekend.

She also keeps seeking me out in work to have chats. And there not normal things like she keeps telling me she's in a much happier place now compared to back then and feels more confident.

I feel abit confused, I mean I do like the girl but have you ever felt like someone was hinting at you?

Just curious what would people do in my position? Our work place is small so we're in contact every day but she works a desk job in the office and I'm out on the factory floor. Last thing I want is to ask her out again and get told no or something else for a 2nd time.

But I'm sure the first time she told me she was scarred it felt genuine.

And while we're not awkward about it at all from the first time I think asking a 2nd time might make things awkward. But the hinting is throwing me off. Either that or I'm reading her very wrong.

I think we have become close enough 'friends' thet we could tell each other anything but at the same time once we clock out after work we don't talk until the next day we Havnt got each others numbers but that's probably down to me asking her out the first time and it's awkward in that sense

So the summarise it, I like the girl we have alot in common, we're the same age but should I ask out a 2nd time? Or are these small hints just normal talk and I'm making it seem bigger then it is?

Cheers folks

omegab

I logged in to reply to you and I'm pausing when I started to write. So you really only have two choices, ignore or act.

If on consideration (and you're writing here so it sounds like you've been considering) you think this lady is worth your time for a real shot at something good together then if you'd like to try the next time she hints in a proper way about having no plans you could say my invitation to spend sometime together still stands and see what she says.

SVI40

There is absolutely no point in trying to read between the lines, or figure out if she is hinting for you to try again. You'll never know for sure, until you ask.

Pureawkward

I'm more afraid that if I ask again and it's no to be honest.

Guess I just gotta man up.

Id never consider asking a girl a 2nd time if I was rejected the first time but its hard to ignore when she's in the work place every day

Il see if she hints tomorrow then just ask

Il post back if I was successful might help some unfortunate chap in a similar position in the future

Thanks you guys

Katgurl

Could you phrase it like "it seems you're in a much better place now than six months ago. If my timing with asking you out had been different, would the response have been the same?" If she gives you the green light smile and suggest she ask you out.

SVI40

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297663#Comment_118297663

I suspect I may be a bit older than you, so taking advice from an old fart, I know I missed out on a few chances in my day, because I didn't pick up on the hints etc. Just go for it. The worst is she says no. Not the end of the world.

osarusan

Next time she makes some comment about no plans, say you're in the same boat and casually ask if she'd like to meet for a drink.

Have something in mind and ask if she'd fancy coming along.

Make it very casual and don't mention your previous attempt.

As SVI40 says, just go for it as long as you're not being creepy. Life is short and a lot of people tend to overthink things.

Tell me how

I'm in a similar position OP. I asked someone out a couple weeks ago (not a coworker though) and they said no, that they weren't looking to date right now. I've been mulling over where's the line between trying again to really show someone you're interested and think they are worth it, and being a hindrance. In my case, aside from the fact that I only asked them a few weeks ago, I'm leaning towards reading between the lines and accepting that if they were in any way interested, it would have been a different answer.

But, in your case, I think the comments about not having plans are telling. I think it is definitely worth asking but being ready for either answer and proceeding in a sensible way after that. If she says no, it may be awkward as you work together, if she says yes, the working together still could make it a little difficult to manage. She may see you as more of a friend now who she is confiding in rather than making plans, but if so, and you ask and she says no, she should understand that you were asking in good faith.

As others have said, be ready to suggest something if she says again about not having plans.

brookers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298602#Comment_118298602

I asked my husband out non stop, pestered him, sent him a million texts, this was before social media. The poor man eventually said yes to

shut me up. Spent a fortune on meals out and expensive drinks to butter him up to get him down the aisle. He must look at me now and go she

was a total nut job.

TheadoreT

Just meet her hints with a similar casual vibe, "sure I've a few bits to do in town Saturday but can grab a drink after if you fancy it".

You don't have to sit her down for a super intense, "i like you, do you want to go out with me" conversation. A potential rejection will be much more awkward in that scenario but I think you're good here.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298628#Comment_118298628

I know I'm definitely interested in her, we had met for lunch (we know each other professionally) when I asked her and I spent the next few days thinking how much I enjoyed talking to her and thought she was cool, and had to remind myself that she had actually said no.

Part of me keeps thinking of the 'Faint heart never won fair maiden' phrase and part of me thinks I asked, she answered, and that's it. It's a curious one.

If she ever does reach out to me and starts with a message like 'Remember that time you asked me....' I'll be at her door before she finishes the sentence. :)

cj maxx

I'd agree with MrT. Casually, if she says she's at a loose end, suggest a drink. Not a full on date

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298690#Comment_118298690

Think that's a good idea. Would make sure she still knows its a date, or that the next one will be. Even by just simply saying, 'I see this as being a date, you ok with that?'

JoChervil

OP I agree with you that risking the second no, can be difficult and change your dynamics at work, if you are reading it all wrong. So I would just ask a direct question after her hint (jokingly): - Are you hinting at me? She will very likely become defensive and say no, not at all, but it will be no to her hinting, not no to your asking out. So then you could say: - Oh, it's pity because I am going ........, which might be a great fun. And watch her reaction and take it from there.

But she might even not become defensive in the first place....

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298707#Comment_118298707

No date. If drinks go well, ask her for a 'date'. Drinks are kind of a date, but with no pressure on either side. Imo

hunter2000

Op like the vaccines you need to get dosing.

Show interest in one of her female colleagues in work.

That will smoke out any interest she might have

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298750#Comment_118298750

Think that works where people need to find out if there is some basic attraction and the other person isn't a psycho. I'm suggesting being clear as to the date intent here upfront to prevent it being seen as just two friends having a drink, or worse, another colleague hearing about it and inviting themselves along.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298787#Comment_118298787

True,

Pureawkward

Wasn't expecting this many replies,

Thanks folks, I do like the girl alot but I'm trying to be sensible about it, as my feelings could be affecting my judgement on whether or not she's actually hinting at me.

See how tomorrow goes, if she hints il just ask out straight nó point beating around the Bush about it.

If its a no, well I wasn't really happy working there either 😂

Wombatman

Best of luck dude. It probably feels like a big deal but it's not really in the grand scheme of things.

Nothing ventured nothing gained. Fortune favours the brave and all that. Also, you haven't much to lose. You survived the first 'no' and have lived to fight another day.

Waiting for the right segue from her lead would be preferable than asking cold. If time isn't an issue I'd be waiting for the right opportunity to casually ask as a logical extension of your conversation.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298707#Comment_118298707

I wouldn't do that myself. If she's interested (in a drink or a date), she'll accept. And you take it from there. If it goes well, the next time could be a date.

If she's not interested, it's less awkward for everybody if she turns down a drink rather than a date.

I see sheep

'Asking her out'? it wasn't like that in my day.

Get her to the pub and after 6 pints dive in for the shift, if it goes wrong at least you're in pub with access to more lovely pints.

Drummerboy2

Ask her if she ever regrets the fact that you asked her out previously and see what she says. It could tell a lot

km991148

her 'hints' could also be that she has no plans and is just looking for a friendship. But you wont figure this out by mind reading - need to have a chat at some point and a "fancy doing something together" to get away from the work place sounds about right. Do that a couple of times and at some point have an honest chat.

rolling boh

The fact that she mentions she's at a loose end at weekends would indicate to me she would be up for a drink and you would find out quick enough if dates were on soon enough ask her you have little to lose if she says no at least you can put it to rest once and for all .

FutureGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298836#Comment_118298836

The sting of rejection is minuscule to the pain of "what if" - that's the one that will get you even 20 years later.

glen123

OP, if you like her, go for it. If she says "no", so what? You'll just move on, that's all.

I wouldn't dwell on things like this - life is just too short.

If she didn't like you, she'd be avoiding you and certainly wouldn't be discussing her weekends with you. Besides some women don't like to be seen as easy to get, if I can put it this way, and may say 'no' meaning 'if you ask again, it'll be yes'. I am scared to think what my life would have been now if my husband had only tried to ask me out once and gave up after my first 'sorry - I've other things to deal with at the moment' which was sort of an attention-seeking really and certainly not a 'no' :)

Next time she is talking her weekends and how she has nothing to do, just ask if she'd like to go somewhere together for a change. If she starts yes/no/busy, just say 'well, you know where I am' and that's you have tried, the rest will be up to her. Good luck!

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298707#Comment_118298707

Haha that's so awkward, don't do this OP. If she's into him she'll see it as a date, if not he'll know pretty soon how she's feels.

Play it breezy OP, if it's meant to be its meant to be, you can only scare her off doing things like above.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118299741#Comment_118299741

This. I can't help but think that if the girl is as into the OP as he thinks, she'd just ask him out herself. It's what I'd do.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118299680#Comment_118299680

Many of my 'relationships' followed that very trajectory 😀

km991148

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300326#Comment_118300326

yeah exactly...not like she couldn't bring it up.. unless she is waiting for the next rainfall so that the gentleman can lay down his coat over a puddle to save her petticoats from ruination..

ok too far on the sarcasm lol - but yeah - hang out outside of work - if something develops - have a chat and stop looking into hints and mind reading.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058222124/should-i-ask-a-co-worker-out-for-a-2nd-time

i actually did training in work on this and it could be perceived as unwanted advances and it should be in the handbook

I'm along the lines of thinking that you should just say, what you up to the weekend. Id she says she has no plans, say either "I'm gonna head to see *insert some film* or "I'm dying to get out for a pint" and tell her if she's at a loose end, she should come along.

It shows interest but if she's not interested, it doesn't make it awkward as you didn't really ask her out. You just gave her an opportunity to tag along.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300268#Comment_118300268

How is it awkward? All it is is ensuring she knows she is being 'asked out' as opposed to just having a drink with a friend. It's something that will have to happen somehow, much easier do it at the outset than after they realise they are in the friend-zone.

rolling boh

The op has to ask her out and that she knows its a date he has before so she knows he has an interest in her if she declines well OK thats that and he can move on .The longer he waits the more likely he will be friend zoned and someone else will move in there .

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118301721#Comment_118301721

I don't agree. I think going out on a "non-date" type night would be much better. Then at the end, you will know better whether or not if your advances will be reciprocated. I agree that it shouldn't be too many of those type of nights out, but one or two where neither feel the pressure to impress or to feel the spark, generally is when the spark will occur.

Best of luck anyway OP. Keep us updated.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300268#Comment_118300268

I agree. Trying to get exact meaning of the meeting can end up discussing, what "date" actually mean etc. It would put me off. I would much easier agree for drinks with all options open, than for a date.

rolling boh

It could go either way of course but they have being chatting etc for a couple of months it seems so they must know a good bit about each other at this stage .

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118301376#Comment_118301376

There are subtleties to early relationships, being too ham fisted with approach can stop something before it ever begins.

If they like each other and he has the slightest ability to escalate romance she won't be in any doubt it's a date without them having to get all needlessly literal about what it is they're on.

Pureawkward

Well sadly folks I couldn't ask her today, everytime she was around someone else was as well at least if its a no it'll be less embarrassing with other people around to hear. Fecking Murphys law haha

Il ask Monday if she's interested in doing anything the weekend

And she knows I'm interested already because I already asked so no point down playing it as not a date.

km991148

dont you already have each others numbers?

anyway - probably as well waiting at this point

Pureawkward

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118302154#Comment_118302154

We sort of do, we're in a work WhatsApp group but Havnt exchanged numbers so I don't want to come across as a creep specially if it's a no as another poster said it could be unwanted advances.

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118302126#Comment_118302126

Wouldn't necessary have to be Monday. I'd be giving myself the week for the right opportunity to present itself. You will know it when you see it.

You are playing a blinder buddy. We are all rooting for ya.

ChrissieH

Agree with most of the people here that a casual suggestion to meet up is the way to go. From a woman's perspective, I do think she's hinting at you tbh - I know there are loads of women who would ask men out without batting an eyelid but to be fair, I think it's pretty standard procedure for us to hint for weeks rather than explicitly saying that we want to go on a date!!

I know it makes it a bit harder for you to not know where you stand and fair play to you for reading the situation so well and being so considerate and gracious - I'm guessing she appreciated your cool reaction to her previous rebuff and now admires your confidence.

I so hope this works out for you!!

Purple Mountain

I think playing it down as a casual work buddy drink would be sneaky.

And giving mixed signals.

I'd hate to think i was duped like that.

And fair play, OP for not lifting her number from the WhatsApp group. For now, she's a work colleague so keep the boundaries but I would be implying to her that it was a date you're after not pints with a mate.

You can still keep it non pressure. Like next time she says about loose end on say Saturday night, you say "I'm not doing anything either, Mary. Look remember I asked you out months ago, I would still be interested in taking you out, I get the impression things are better in your life but if the answer is still no, I absolutely get that and will not ask you again and we need never mention it again (little giggle).

osarusan

I wouldn't consider it being duped. As the OP has said, he's asked her out before, so she will see that element to it.

But they can go for a drink (or whatever) and they'll either get on well or not. At the end of it, if it goes well, he can suggest another meeting - if he says something like 'I really enjoy spending time with you, I'd like to do this again and see where it goes between us' then it's clear what's going on.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118302126#Comment_118302126

Yet, you don't really know why she said no. Maybe she wasn't ready for a date, but would have agreed for drinks? Maybe she is still not ready for a date, hence hinting, not inviting you because it would mean date, but is ready for a road leading to it. Remember that she was in an abusive relationship, so is cautious. She knows you only in work settings and might need time to know you better.

cabledude

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118298443#Comment_118298443

This………

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118304092#Comment_118304092

Please don't ask 'Mary' like this and don't emit any little giggles either. It's not like you are proposing marriage. Don't make any assumptions about her life history or current head space.

All it is is a casual first step. She will know what it means. It may lead to more steps, it may not.

If she says no, then no big deal. Yer positive working relationship needn't take a hit.