what is worse a death or a break up?

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247180#Comment_118247180

That’s a dangerous path

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247250#Comment_118247250

That is what you would want but if they dont want that then thats ok, its obviously up to them.

Confused11811

I'm a widower, lost my wife 7 years ago. In that time I've dated women who's relationships have broken up. I've seen friends marriages break up and the continued affects it's had on them , the kids, finance and housing. Basically most if not all of those people have had thier lives are ruined stuck in a constant state of stress and anxiety. The kids college funds they planned are gone or never happened.

I and my daughter's went through a terrible trauma and had a difficult few years but we adjusted and are happy. I miss my wife terribly but when we parted ways there was no anger at each other and no hatred only love. If I could have her back I'd love that but I can't. That's just the reality, but going by the people I know who's marriages broke up I'm happy me and my daughter's aren't in a constant state of stress and anger worried about the future. Compared to those people I feel lucky... As awful as that is to say it's true.

Ish66

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246983#Comment_118246983

No, It's not better, A year last September (11th) My wife collapsed and died in front of me due to a Brain Tumour and there was nothing I could do so I would have preferred if she dumped me before we married and had kids. Stop talking utter Bollix

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247258#Comment_118247258

Not judging you as I have (apparently) boundary issues myself, but this outlook you present centres on your own perception only and does not factor in the other person’s perspective.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247359#Comment_118247359

I suppose it is a bit cocky but I would consider myself a good partner. I suppose she could always meet someone who is a better partner or match.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247349#Comment_118247349

sorry for your loss.

billyhead

This is a stupid question. It's death by a country mile.

Black Swan

Breakups happen. It is part of growing up. Although painful at times. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” (Nietzsche). Hopefully.

Grief isn't something to be competitive over or to wear as a kind of badge that says "I suffered more than you therefore you don't know what you are talking about".

It's a process to go through as we try to come to terms with loss and loss comes in many forms. Loss of a planned future, of children that will never be, of a childhood we should have had,of people we love taken through death or estrangement or breakup or abandonment.

There are so many ways in which we can have our hearts broken and be left devastated. I've sat with people who lost their partners through death and they were torn asunder. It is something I can't begin to imagine.

I've also sat with those who had been cheated on, partners who decided "I don't love you anymore". It was just as excruciating.

In my own life I am no stranger to loss. I see my dad as he tries to come to terms with mam's deterioration. Both of us grieving since the day of her dementia diagnosis and yet she is alive. I've had events that left me driving in to the nearest hospital because I was petrified of what I might do such was the overwhelming feeling of despair. Or not being able to tolerate a weekend of "I need time to think about what I want" so going to the doc for zanax.

Of course all of the above can be dependent on our own self worth and resilience. Also how we manage on the aftermath of loss can be dependent on the circumstances of it. But I guess what I'm trying to say is nobody has a monopoly on grief.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247300#Comment_118247300

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247349#Comment_118247349

Lads I am sorry for both of your losses. I'm in the same boat, though a bit further on since I lost my 1st wife. It was 14yrs ago for me.

If nothing else, I hope that in those dark and horrible moments of "what if" and all those other torments that come. From waking up and rolling over to have a cuddle and remembering all over again that they are gone, how it happened, that a life plan is gone and your family rent assunder...

I hope that you have a trove of memories to smile at, to carry you through those days. Stay strong and remember sometimes, some days it's enough just to wake up, to look after the kids, dog or whoever even when all you want to do is die too.

Ye have this lads.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247566#Comment_118247566

But I guess what I'm trying to say is nobody has a monopoly on grief.

Agree, 100%.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118248333#Comment_118248333

Exactly, lots of people end their life over a break up, they don't do that lightly. Some may think a death of a wife/husband is worse but what if she/he leaves you for your best friend. That would be enough to drive you towards a mental breakdown.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

This is some of the most tone-deaf stuff I've ever encountered. Every death is unavoidable? Every death is just getting ill? Such a death would just cause "I will miss them" rather than completely destroying their partner's or spouse's and family's/friends' lives? Imagine being a young or middle aged couple and one being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the emptiness when they die after the life built together, and the hopes and dreams they shared, and often the children they raised, the adventures they enjoyed together. That's years of grief and rebuilding a shattered life. Give me a breakup any day.

Whose death? What kind of death?

Yeah when my grandmother died at nearly 98, I felt sad but still felt a lot worse after a bad breakup, but obviously the death of a child would be infinitely worse than my breakup (which was ultimately for the best) or the death of a partner/spouse with whom the relationship was wonderful. Or the sudden death of a parent or close friend. Or the non sudden death of either. Imagine murder - which someone on this thread experienced.

A bad breakup is loss, it is grief, but it isn't as bad as (let alone worse than) death most of the time.

Who are these lots of people who end their lives over a breakup?

And seriously, implying a breakup is worse than your partner being murdered, killed in an accident, dying a painful death due to an illness... just stop.

completedit

Death rationally but it is final and definite whereas a breakup is a reflection of you and leaves more questions(Death leaves just the one; is this the end?). Objectively death is much sadder in the long-run but a breakup comes close. However over time emotions change, I miss my ex sometimes and in a way it's like she died in some ways(we don't speak) but 18 long months later I appreciate that all things come to an end, whereas death continues to be a slow burn in my life. There's no recovery as such just resigned acceptance.

completedit

SouthWesterly

Since I can't believe that anyone here has experienced death, who's to know.

Has anyone here died? 😂