what is worse a death or a break up?

pgj2015

A break up for me all day. Those first few weeks are hell.

It makes me avoid relationships if I can.

EmmetSpiceland

In the grand scheme of things, death is much, much, worse. Much worse.

Depends who has died.

banie01

Bury a spouse or partner and come back when you know OP.

Thelonious Monk

My first breakup as a 21 year old I thought it was the end of the world. They get easier, and by the time I had my last one about a year and a half ago I almost enjoyed the process, it's kind of cathartic and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed to get a few things in life in order. She was lovely though and I really missed her for a while. Life is infinitely better now though, new moth and a lot more going in my life, all really sparked by that breakup.

Embrace them as your chance to shine! Can't wait for my next one to see where it brings me!

Dazler97

I don't know I'm in my first proper relationship and I'm 24, I'd say it's death definitely

Booty call hookups are certainly weirder for one than the other.

I used to think it would be useful to invent a dead partner to make it easier to get out of doing certain things.

"Hey, do you want to come with me to <blank>"?

"Linda used to loving going there." (Looks wistful).

"Ah, sure never mind."

85603

Well a death, obviously.

Larbre34

Either can be a cause for great celebration, depending.

But, assuming the negative connotation of both, a death has a more long term impact because its final and irredeemable. A break up can be tied up with guilt and regret, both of which are stronger emotions I think because of the element of self-blame.

timmyntc

Can't get dumped if you're already dead!

D3V!L

Most definitely Death. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and it was only recently I could put a picture of him up in the house. It's still very raw for me.

Some ex's though I wish were dead. That's different though.

Gregor Samsa

For a necrophiliac, breaking up with a dead person. An actual death represents the honeymoon period.

pgj2015

A death is unavoidable though, a break up doesn't really have to happen. A death is like yes he/she got sick, fought it hard but died, of course I will miss them. A break up makes you feel suicidal if you were the one dumped and you still love them. no sleep, no appetite.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

If you dumped you clearly weren’t good enough. That’s life

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246250#Comment_118246250

Haha that is kind of funny that you are looking forward to your next break up.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246591#Comment_118246591

or mad enough. most break ups you look back on eventually and are glad you aren't with them anymore. But its the first few weeks im taking about.

kirk.

Had an immediate family member murdered , it was brutal for me and people around me

When I thought it though after I decided that a person taking their own life would be harder to deal with , could be wrong

Breakups i dunno , depends on the circumstances I guess

Sleepy

Definitely depends... I'd imagine there are plenty of unhappy marriages where someone would rather their spouse died so they could claim the life insurance instead of breaking up with them and losing half their stuff...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

What if the person you loved so much died?

Tell me how

Ordinarily, I think it's true death is more difficult than a breakup because its categorically final. There is no optimism, hope, belief that the person may come back, as can be the case in the event of a break up even if such thoughts are very unrealistic.

But, not sure' there's a hard and fast rule. Your 85 year old partner dies in their sleep of a heart attack a couple of weeks after being diagnosed with Alzheimers versus your spouse telling you they want to divorce you and you could easily see how the latter is worse to deal with.

Even in the event of a breakup, depending on how it came about, having to watch the other person get a new lease of life (as can be the case with co-parenting formerly married people) as you maybe struggle I imagine can be particularly daunting.

It's a very macabre thing to have to think about but which though would scare you more if you were a married person besotted with your spouse and you were told one day out of the blue, that they had passed away or that they were leaving you?

Having typed that, it made me think just how difficult it must be for the partners of suicide victims.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

Fúck me!

Yeah, your partner getting killed whilst they cross road, totally unavoidable. Or them dying suddenly of any cause...

Or committing suicide because although they love you and you love them? They can't find any way to beat the depression that's enveloping them and think that if they off themselves? They won't drag you down with them.

Dying be it young, old, suddenly, slowly expectedly or unexpectedly is about the only thing that all humans have common.

Dying when one is in a loving relationship? Often leaves the survivor bereft, adrift and emotionally destroyed, comparing it to a break up? Is a degree of emotional and empathetic retardation that is staggering.

The thing about love and a break up? Is if you loved them, you want them to be happy and if that can't be with you? Then it only stands to reason that you let them go, let them be happy and wallow in the pain for a little bit. All the while knowing that they will be happy and eventually that their happiness will help soothe your loss.

Your posts so far make it fairly clear that's beyond you and that if you can't have them? They're better off dead so you can get over your love sickness a bit quicker.

mrm

A death. The first few years are hell. The rest are coming to terms with how sh1t everything has become without the person you are missing.

With a breakup, first few weeks are hell...ish, comparatively. The rest is great fun attempting to find a replacement for the other party. Or eventually go back to the other party. Then add in some of the replacements. Maybe other previous break ups. So many options.

Tl;Dr - no replacement options for death.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246656#Comment_118246656

Probably true. I reckon a guess that every ex of mine is glad to be rid of me by now.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246684#Comment_118246684

My best friend took his own life, its a really weird experience because even years later you still cant figure it out and there are still so many questions left unanswered. It never crossed my mind that he would do it, even though I know how depressed he could get at times.

pgj2015

What if the person you loved so much died?

Better in my opinion, they still loved you. You will always have that. But if she left you when you loved her and now is with some other guy. That is worse in my opinion.

wanting her to be happy even when she is with someone else is a load of bull, if you are still in love with her.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246983#Comment_118246983

Well, I think the definition of love is that you want all the best for the person, you love. Even without you.

As far as OP is concerned, I think the biggest input would be guilt, which is the most damaging emotion. So if someone died and you feel guilty for many things, like that you could have prevented it or you could have said nicer things etc. And you no longer can do it. You can't repair things. It's final.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247078#Comment_118247078

If you love them though, you would probably feel they would be better off with you, not someone else. That is the way I would feel anyway.

cnocbui

I still miss my brother, my ex not at all.

Gregor Samsa

It obviously all depends on the person involved. I’d rather some random neighbour of mine died than me splitting up with my wife, but I’d rather split up with her then my child dying.

To make it any way feasible to compare, you’d have to pick someone you love and apply both scenarios to them. Would I rather my wife split up with me, or dropped dead? I’d go with the breakup, definitely. I’m pretty sure she, and my children, would too.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247180#Comment_118247180

I don't think I am so vain to think that only I can make another person happy. Someone else can simply fit them better.