what is worse a death or a break up?

pgj2015

A break up for me all day. Those first few weeks are hell.

It makes me avoid relationships if I can.

EmmetSpiceland

In the grand scheme of things, death is much, much, worse. Much worse.

Depends who has died.

banie01

Bury a spouse or partner and come back when you know OP.

Thelonious Monk

My first breakup as a 21 year old I thought it was the end of the world. They get easier, and by the time I had my last one about a year and a half ago I almost enjoyed the process, it's kind of cathartic and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed to get a few things in life in order. She was lovely though and I really missed her for a while. Life is infinitely better now though, new moth and a lot more going in my life, all really sparked by that breakup.

Embrace them as your chance to shine! Can't wait for my next one to see where it brings me!

Dazler97

I don't know I'm in my first proper relationship and I'm 24, I'd say it's death definitely

Booty call hookups are certainly weirder for one than the other.

I used to think it would be useful to invent a dead partner to make it easier to get out of doing certain things.

"Hey, do you want to come with me to <blank>"?

"Linda used to loving going there." (Looks wistful).

"Ah, sure never mind."

85603

Well a death, obviously.

Larbre34

Either can be a cause for great celebration, depending.

But, assuming the negative connotation of both, a death has a more long term impact because its final and irredeemable. A break up can be tied up with guilt and regret, both of which are stronger emotions I think because of the element of self-blame.

timmyntc

Can't get dumped if you're already dead!

D3V!L

Most definitely Death. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and it was only recently I could put a picture of him up in the house. It's still very raw for me.

Some ex's though I wish were dead. That's different though.

Gregor Samsa

For a necrophiliac, breaking up with a dead person. An actual death represents the honeymoon period.

pgj2015

A death is unavoidable though, a break up doesn't really have to happen. A death is like yes he/she got sick, fought it hard but died, of course I will miss them. A break up makes you feel suicidal if you were the one dumped and you still love them. no sleep, no appetite.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

If you dumped you clearly weren’t good enough. That’s life

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246250#Comment_118246250

Haha that is kind of funny that you are looking forward to your next break up.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246591#Comment_118246591

or mad enough. most break ups you look back on eventually and are glad you aren't with them anymore. But its the first few weeks im taking about.

kirk.

Had an immediate family member murdered , it was brutal for me and people around me

When I thought it though after I decided that a person taking their own life would be harder to deal with , could be wrong

Breakups i dunno , depends on the circumstances I guess

Sleepy

Definitely depends... I'd imagine there are plenty of unhappy marriages where someone would rather their spouse died so they could claim the life insurance instead of breaking up with them and losing half their stuff...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

What if the person you loved so much died?

Tell me how

Ordinarily, I think it's true death is more difficult than a breakup because its categorically final. There is no optimism, hope, belief that the person may come back, as can be the case in the event of a break up even if such thoughts are very unrealistic.

But, not sure' there's a hard and fast rule. Your 85 year old partner dies in their sleep of a heart attack a couple of weeks after being diagnosed with Alzheimers versus your spouse telling you they want to divorce you and you could easily see how the latter is worse to deal with.

Even in the event of a breakup, depending on how it came about, having to watch the other person get a new lease of life (as can be the case with co-parenting formerly married people) as you maybe struggle I imagine can be particularly daunting.

It's a very macabre thing to have to think about but which though would scare you more if you were a married person besotted with your spouse and you were told one day out of the blue, that they had passed away or that they were leaving you?

Having typed that, it made me think just how difficult it must be for the partners of suicide victims.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

Fúck me!

Yeah, your partner getting killed whilst they cross road, totally unavoidable. Or them dying suddenly of any cause...

Or committing suicide because although they love you and you love them? They can't find any way to beat the depression that's enveloping them and think that if they off themselves? They won't drag you down with them.

Dying be it young, old, suddenly, slowly expectedly or unexpectedly is about the only thing that all humans have common.

Dying when one is in a loving relationship? Often leaves the survivor bereft, adrift and emotionally destroyed, comparing it to a break up? Is a degree of emotional and empathetic retardation that is staggering.

The thing about love and a break up? Is if you loved them, you want them to be happy and if that can't be with you? Then it only stands to reason that you let them go, let them be happy and wallow in the pain for a little bit. All the while knowing that they will be happy and eventually that their happiness will help soothe your loss.

Your posts so far make it fairly clear that's beyond you and that if you can't have them? They're better off dead so you can get over your love sickness a bit quicker.

mrm

A death. The first few years are hell. The rest are coming to terms with how sh1t everything has become without the person you are missing.

With a breakup, first few weeks are hell...ish, comparatively. The rest is great fun attempting to find a replacement for the other party. Or eventually go back to the other party. Then add in some of the replacements. Maybe other previous break ups. So many options.

Tl;Dr - no replacement options for death.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246656#Comment_118246656

Probably true. I reckon a guess that every ex of mine is glad to be rid of me by now.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246684#Comment_118246684

My best friend took his own life, its a really weird experience because even years later you still cant figure it out and there are still so many questions left unanswered. It never crossed my mind that he would do it, even though I know how depressed he could get at times.

pgj2015

What if the person you loved so much died?

Better in my opinion, they still loved you. You will always have that. But if she left you when you loved her and now is with some other guy. That is worse in my opinion.

wanting her to be happy even when she is with someone else is a load of bull, if you are still in love with her.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246983#Comment_118246983

Well, I think the definition of love is that you want all the best for the person, you love. Even without you.

As far as OP is concerned, I think the biggest input would be guilt, which is the most damaging emotion. So if someone died and you feel guilty for many things, like that you could have prevented it or you could have said nicer things etc. And you no longer can do it. You can't repair things. It's final.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247078#Comment_118247078

If you love them though, you would probably feel they would be better off with you, not someone else. That is the way I would feel anyway.

cnocbui

I still miss my brother, my ex not at all.

Gregor Samsa

It obviously all depends on the person involved. I’d rather some random neighbour of mine died than me splitting up with my wife, but I’d rather split up with her then my child dying.

To make it any way feasible to compare, you’d have to pick someone you love and apply both scenarios to them. Would I rather my wife split up with me, or dropped dead? I’d go with the breakup, definitely. I’m pretty sure she, and my children, would too.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247180#Comment_118247180

I don't think I am so vain to think that only I can make another person happy. Someone else can simply fit them better.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247180#Comment_118247180

That’s a dangerous path

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247250#Comment_118247250

That is what you would want but if they dont want that then thats ok, its obviously up to them.

Confused11811

I'm a widower, lost my wife 7 years ago. In that time I've dated women who's relationships have broken up. I've seen friends marriages break up and the continued affects it's had on them , the kids, finance and housing. Basically most if not all of those people have had thier lives are ruined stuck in a constant state of stress and anxiety. The kids college funds they planned are gone or never happened.

I and my daughter's went through a terrible trauma and had a difficult few years but we adjusted and are happy. I miss my wife terribly but when we parted ways there was no anger at each other and no hatred only love. If I could have her back I'd love that but I can't. That's just the reality, but going by the people I know who's marriages broke up I'm happy me and my daughter's aren't in a constant state of stress and anger worried about the future. Compared to those people I feel lucky... As awful as that is to say it's true.

Ish66

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246983#Comment_118246983

No, It's not better, A year last September (11th) My wife collapsed and died in front of me due to a Brain Tumour and there was nothing I could do so I would have preferred if she dumped me before we married and had kids. Stop talking utter Bollix

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247258#Comment_118247258

Not judging you as I have (apparently) boundary issues myself, but this outlook you present centres on your own perception only and does not factor in the other person’s perspective.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247359#Comment_118247359

I suppose it is a bit cocky but I would consider myself a good partner. I suppose she could always meet someone who is a better partner or match.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247349#Comment_118247349

sorry for your loss.

billyhead

This is a stupid question. It's death by a country mile.

Black Swan

Breakups happen. It is part of growing up. Although painful at times. “That which does not kill us makes us stronger” (Nietzsche). Hopefully.

Grief isn't something to be competitive over or to wear as a kind of badge that says "I suffered more than you therefore you don't know what you are talking about".

It's a process to go through as we try to come to terms with loss and loss comes in many forms. Loss of a planned future, of children that will never be, of a childhood we should have had,of people we love taken through death or estrangement or breakup or abandonment.

There are so many ways in which we can have our hearts broken and be left devastated. I've sat with people who lost their partners through death and they were torn asunder. It is something I can't begin to imagine.

I've also sat with those who had been cheated on, partners who decided "I don't love you anymore". It was just as excruciating.

In my own life I am no stranger to loss. I see my dad as he tries to come to terms with mam's deterioration. Both of us grieving since the day of her dementia diagnosis and yet she is alive. I've had events that left me driving in to the nearest hospital because I was petrified of what I might do such was the overwhelming feeling of despair. Or not being able to tolerate a weekend of "I need time to think about what I want" so going to the doc for zanax.

Of course all of the above can be dependent on our own self worth and resilience. Also how we manage on the aftermath of loss can be dependent on the circumstances of it. But I guess what I'm trying to say is nobody has a monopoly on grief.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247300#Comment_118247300

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247349#Comment_118247349

Lads I am sorry for both of your losses. I'm in the same boat, though a bit further on since I lost my 1st wife. It was 14yrs ago for me.

If nothing else, I hope that in those dark and horrible moments of "what if" and all those other torments that come. From waking up and rolling over to have a cuddle and remembering all over again that they are gone, how it happened, that a life plan is gone and your family rent assunder...

I hope that you have a trove of memories to smile at, to carry you through those days. Stay strong and remember sometimes, some days it's enough just to wake up, to look after the kids, dog or whoever even when all you want to do is die too.

Ye have this lads.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118247566#Comment_118247566

But I guess what I'm trying to say is nobody has a monopoly on grief.

Agree, 100%.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118248333#Comment_118248333

Exactly, lots of people end their life over a break up, they don't do that lightly. Some may think a death of a wife/husband is worse but what if she/he leaves you for your best friend. That would be enough to drive you towards a mental breakdown.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118246585#Comment_118246585

This is some of the most tone-deaf stuff I've ever encountered. Every death is unavoidable? Every death is just getting ill? Such a death would just cause "I will miss them" rather than completely destroying their partner's or spouse's and family's/friends' lives? Imagine being a young or middle aged couple and one being diagnosed with a terminal illness and the emptiness when they die after the life built together, and the hopes and dreams they shared, and often the children they raised, the adventures they enjoyed together. That's years of grief and rebuilding a shattered life. Give me a breakup any day.

Whose death? What kind of death?

Yeah when my grandmother died at nearly 98, I felt sad but still felt a lot worse after a bad breakup, but obviously the death of a child would be infinitely worse than my breakup (which was ultimately for the best) or the death of a partner/spouse with whom the relationship was wonderful. Or the sudden death of a parent or close friend. Or the non sudden death of either. Imagine murder - which someone on this thread experienced.

A bad breakup is loss, it is grief, but it isn't as bad as (let alone worse than) death most of the time.

Who are these lots of people who end their lives over a breakup?

And seriously, implying a breakup is worse than your partner being murdered, killed in an accident, dying a painful death due to an illness... just stop.

completedit

Death rationally but it is final and definite whereas a breakup is a reflection of you and leaves more questions(Death leaves just the one; is this the end?). Objectively death is much sadder in the long-run but a breakup comes close. However over time emotions change, I miss my ex sometimes and in a way it's like she died in some ways(we don't speak) but 18 long months later I appreciate that all things come to an end, whereas death continues to be a slow burn in my life. There's no recovery as such just resigned acceptance.

completedit

Since I can't believe that anyone here has experienced death, who's to know.

Has anyone here died? 😂