Dating is hard

LunaIsMyUsername

Ive been dating since I was 14 and im now 32 and no closer to finding anything close to a real, committed relationship and I don't know what im doing wrong. Im just sad about not having a relationship, im fine being single, I have a full and busy life that ive created for myself and I like myself for the most part but just can't seem to meet anyone who is willing to meet me half way, it feels like every relationship I get into, there's no give and take, its all take from the other side and im left feeling used, drained and at worst abused. Ive good boundaries and never stay in these situations, im good at spotting the red flags but still keep finding people that won't give even half as much as they're expecting to receive and then wonder why the relationship isn't working out. It also feels like men see women as disposable and they're always keeping an eye out for someone 'better' and no ones ever good enough for them, just feels like men expect you to be perfect and if you're not, they make zero effort.

Some background on my dating experiences, skip this if you're not interested..

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Ive had 2 long term relationships, the first, over time we became really close and the relationship was quite intense. As we got older we started to grow apart as I moved away for college he became bitter and mean, he stopped making any effort to make it work between us and wouldn't communicate. The last fight we had was when he decided we wearnt going to get each other anything for valentines day as he said he had no money which I was fine with but I bought him a valentines card anyway (with no expectations of receiving anything from him) we were out in a pub with his friends and at 12 o'clock I gave him the card, he got angry and on the way home in the taxi he ripped up the card and threw it out the window, this was one of many mean and petty instances with him so I ended it.

The second was in my mid 20's. I had been dating but became lonely and frustrated with men so naively jumped into a relationship with the first man that I felt I clicked with and wanted to be with me. After moving in with him I learned he was a narcissist and a manipulator. He cheated on me constantly and was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive. I left the relationship as soon as I had the chance and never looked back.

Since then I've only had short term flings. I dated a guy who seemed lovely in the beginning but after a couple of weeks became increasingly intense despite me trying to break things off with him he began actively stalking me. I took a break from dating after this.

Went on a date with a guy from Tinder, he showed up 45 minutes late, when he arrived he went on and on about how he had to get out of work to make this date and acted like he wanted me to feel bad about it, he spent the entire date talking about himself and interrupted me every time I spoke.

Next guy I went on a date with id known through mutual friends, like the last guy he only spoke about himself and even rolled his eyes a few times when I talked about me which I only did about 3 times the whole night. He spent an unreasonable amount of time talking badly about his friends, housemates, colleagues and basically anyone he knew.

The next man was another narcissist, moaned and whined about everyone he was close to, told me very personal information that I had no business knowing about some of friends, he slated every girl he dated, telling me stories about women he dated 10 years ago who he still held a grudge against. Every conversation we had revolved entirely around him ro whatever he wanted to talk about, he would only ask me a question to generate a discussion about himself. If I didn't do what he wanted he became passive aggressive and mean, this was all gradual and escalating behaviour that got worse as the weeks went on. I ended it within the month of meeting him.

The next man I met on a dating app, we arranged to meet up for lunch but that morning I was volunteering and the other volunteer I was supposed to be with didn't show up so I had double the work to do. I text my date an hour before we were supposed to meet explaining what happened and asked could we reschedule, he was really annoyed and told me to forget it, never heard from him again.

I took another long break from dating before dating a man who had been into me and texting me for years! Things started off well until it started to progress and become a bit more serious, he turned out to be a commitment phobe and I soon found out he's ended it with every woman he's been with when things started to get serious. We never even went on a proper date, we always just hung out in his house or went for drinks with his friends. I really liked him and made such an effort but i was getting nothing back.

Most recently I've been seeing a man ive known for a couple of years and we've always been into each other but he never made any sort of effort to progress things. Ive gotten to know him better recently but despite texting for 3 months we've only met twice even though we live about 10 minutes from each other. He makes no effort to meet up, doesn't flirt. Again it's me making all the effort and getting nothing in return.

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Im not perfect by any stretch but im told im attractive, I get male attention in that respect and I look after myself. I work hard and have a good job that I love and gives me a great work/life balance, im studying a masters part time and I do volunteer work which I also love and is one of my hobbies along with being active & going to the gym, I love music, my pets, socialising, reading, im independent too as im putting myself through college for the 2nd time, have my own car etc, Im quiet but outgoing and easy going. Im definitely not the smartest person or the most mature but I am intelligent, self aware and im kind.

Should I just give up completely on dating? I feel totally depressed by the whole thing. I deleted the apps months ago and have no intention of going back to them, they're soul destroying but im not even talking about dating apps here just dating in general.

TheadoreT

There's about a dozen examples there where you ultimately blame the guy for all failures. That can't be realistic. While there's some that are clearly objectively terrible there's plenty open to interpretation depending on perspectives

If you're not learning anything about yourself from failed dates or relationships you'll likely make the same mistakes again. Even in the case of the date you flaked on last minute, you're almost getting annoyed he got angry instead of seeing his perspective for why he did. A more compassionate outlook could have saved that scenario.

You say you're "not perfect" but you haven't displayed any capacity to note them imperfections within dates/relationships. There are lots of self awareness courses you can take these days if you're open to vulnerability where you may get an objective feedback loop on areas you can improve.

I'd never be one to give easy "you're doing great" "you've just been unlucky" vacuous advice, the reality is there's usually plenty we can all be doing to improve ourselves.

Big Bag of Chips

The dating culture these days is a numbers game. It has almost made people disposable. People have been programmed to expect instant results and if an instant connection isn’t felt people lose interest and move on to the next person.

Years ago dating came about by meeting someone. Getting to know them. Maybe hanging around in a group through friends or an activity. In lots of situations before going on a date the couple actually knew each other pretty well, and a relationship developed naturally. That doesn’t happen as much now, and people in general are more selfish. If something isn’t instant they don’t bother putting the work in to see if it can work out, as another option is usually only a swipe away.

You’ve been unlucky. But you are unlikely to meet the love of your life, first off off a dating app. You’re going to have to work through the ones that don’t work out before finding someone that does. Knowing someone for years doesn’t automatically mean you’ll work out romantically. I went to a mixed school, mixed college. I have loads of male friends that I’ve known since those days. Knowing them years doesn’t mean that a romantic intimate relationship would work with any of them. Because they’re friends.

i think you are right to take a break from dating for a while. And when you go back to dating don’t go back with the mindset of finding the one to settle down with. Go back with the mindset of: this is an activity to pass an evening. Something to do. Stop putting pressure on yourself to end up in a relationship. Stop putting pressure on the dates to be something wonderful that instantly clicks. Don’t have any expectations other than an evening of meeting someone. Then if they talk about themselves all night, or moan about their family, or give out about work you can just thank them ‘for a lovely evening’ and move on to the next.

I think you’re expecting too much, from people who maybe aren’t expecting anything, and you are constantly being let down. Lots of people do find long term relationships through dating apps, but it takes a lot of sitting through bogey dates first. Also being part of a couple isn’t the be-all and end-all. Too many people force that, and settle in not so great relationships thinking that that’s the end goal.

Parachutes

If I’m ever talking with a woman and she starts down the path about how ex so and so was a “narcissist” or “psychopath” etc I run a mile.

Shao Kahn

@OP, you could have just been unlucky.

I would say give the dating sites/apps a wide birth. (but then I do tend to give this advice to everyone. lol)

Go out and meet people connected with your hobbies, and just have some fun. If you find a connection through a mutual interest, then maybe it will be easier to click with that person.

I know people will criticize me for saying this, but dating apps tend to be filled up with desperate people and/or people who are looking for casual sex with no commitment. (not judging people, whatever you're into yourself)

Even take up some new unconventional hobbies. You might just meet some unconventional interesting people along the way. Stop looking so hard for a relationship, and it might find you when the time is right.

JoChervil

Maybe counselling would work? You think you have good boundaries, yet you let men into your life, who shouldn't get through good boundaries. In your current state I don't know, if you would be able to spot a good guy and give him a chance.

Just go through your list and notice, when you could have stopped certain relationship from progressing and doing damage to your confidence. So you will avoid such people in the future.

The exception was the first guy, who you outgrew and who felt threaten by it. Here was also a problem with respecting boundaries. This time you didn't respect his.

You need to strengthen yourself and built your value before you start dating again. You have a lot going on for you, so don't sell yourself cheap.

Jequ0n

Wow OP, you are quite quick to dish out labels (narcissistist, narcissist and commitment phobe). I think the previous poster who suggested counselling gave you good advice there.

I understand that your alarm bells are probably ringing as soon as you notice a negative trait that a previous partner displayed, but you might be sabotaging yourself here by immediately classifying someone. It might help if you first work through the negative experiences and staying away from the dating scene, because your current mindset is setting you up for failure. You are expecting to meet one trouble maker after the next, so that’s what you are effectively looking for.

spaceHopper

Two things jump out at me, with the exception of the abusive guy ,in your head it's always the guys fault. We are all different sometimes people just aren't compatible and its nobody's fault and sometimes it's your fault. Own it and don't make excuses.

As guy I'd find it exhausting and very off putting if a date was always doing something and had to be doing something, like learn to live with your own thoughts and stop trying to be busy all the time. Down time is so important to a lot of men.

Wabbit Ears

OP your post drips of distain for men. If this comes through in real life that's part of the issue.

Theres also the two guys who you friendzoned and then you get upset because you change the playing field ( i suspect without actually telling them) but they're still just acting like friends *insert shocked pikachu face*

TheadoreT

OP you've got it quite hard from myself and others here. I hope you don't take it too negatively. Your title is spot on, dating is hard. It can be frustrating, mentally exhausting, lead to all sorts of 2nd guessing and over analysing, can feel hopeless and can knock the confidence at times.

You kinda need to find acceptance in this and go in with breezier attitude early. You'll not have chemistry with most people you meet, that's OK. It's not his fault. It's not your fault, it just is what it is. Some guys won't be into you as much as you are them, that doesn't make them all commitment phobes, its just the case you're not the one for them.

Take a little break and come back with a fresh perspective. There's plenty of good men out there, you'll likely have dated a few, don't let baggage and negative associations harm you from building healthy relationships with these.

cj maxx

OP, I think a few people are being hard on you , as are you. If this latest guy isn't into it as much as you, walk . You're right, dating is hard. I wish you all the best.

@TheadoreT

I’d also be wary of people who label all their ex’s as narcissits etc. People label way too easily. It only works when talking to people who haven’t met them.

I’ve liked the people I’ve gone out with but it didn’t work out for various reasons.

I’d say the last guy isn’t intrested enough. Maybe ask to meet up and find out ? If he doesn’t want to fair enough and move on. As @TheadoreT said a breezier attitude will help.

veil

Since you are the kind that tend to show love and care, I think you should find a way to lock it up for a while and allow whosoever you wish to date love you till you are satisfy they love you before opening yourself gradually to them: since it is an innate trait in you. Let it flow, allow yourself to be love and most importantly don't be choosy on physical features ( for there lies the danger for many).

OMM 0000

While I accept it's possible you've just been amazingly unlucky, I think much more likely is you don't understand yourself and are unable to self-reflect and take on board how you may to be blame for a lot (not all) of these issues.

From what you've written it sounds like men get absolutely sick of your crap. Like, you are pushing them to the edge and they start to really resent you.

Regarding your most recent man, he obviously isn't interested in you but you won't accept the hint.

Are you bossy?

Ash.J.Williams

don't bring valentines cards to the pub

Richard Hillman

I think you get to an age and especially for men, if you are a catch, you would have already been caught.

You are looking for a gentleman that would have been snapped up years ago.

Now that doesnt mean to settle for less, don't. But be realistic. Any desirable men are generally snapped up in their 20s. (same with women to be fair too).

I think Film and TV have created a distorted view of the reality.

A lot of single men when they get to their 30s begin to automatically assume that the woman isnt interested. Even a bit distrustful of a woman's intentions of she is sending messages to him. A bit of "trouble at home" etc.

I must admit, I did enjoy reading the run down of your dates, some red flaggers there. However, I think that's the calibre you're left with. That's the plenty of fish in the sea. The prized Tuna is gone. Its sardines for dinner.

dobman88

Why would you buy a card after agreeing not to? His reaction was way OTT but your behaviour is very strange and likely embarrassed him massively.

Tell me how

OP, I think you are getting a bit of a rough deal here. Some people are suggesting that you are quick to apply negative personality traits to some of these guys or are saying that it's all their fault. I think you've spent years in this place, and years thinking about it and so are entitled to view these people as you see them. You're the person who spent time with them. We all put the people we meet in to various boxes and shouldn't really have to justify why they made us feel a particular way.

As for suggesting you provoked the reaction in buying the card. That is way over the top if you ask me. A card is a tiny thing between partners and probably cost less than a drink. If someone reacted to a simple gesture such as this (irrespective as to what had been said) it was probably a good thing you bought the card because their actions showed you exactly what you are dealing with and motivated you to move on.

I too struggle with dating, I've moved around a bit over the last 5 years which hasn't helped the issue and before that was dealing with depression for an extended period which also impacted things. I'm ten years older than you and for the last significant amount of time a lot of the candidates who I have considered dating have been very focused on whether or not I was potential father material, some to the point of seemingly not even considering how they personally felt about me and so I backed away from those situations pretty quickly. Not because I don't want to be a dad, but because I want to be in a loving relationship before deciding to pursue that. (And then I have to read comments online about 'if you are a catch, you have already been snapped up' and try to not let that idea sink in and fuel further negativity.)

Dating apps make me break out in a cold sweat at this point just because they are so unlikely to generate a positive experience. From the challenge of getting matches, starting conversations, feeling there's a spark and meeting or chatting on the phone before realising there isn't really, all the while knowing that the person you are talking to could effectively vanish at a moments notice leads to pretty negative feelings around the whole thing.

I heard the dating apps world described recently in the context of 'the paradox of choice' which essentially means that while easy access to many potential opportunities, we think will be enjoyable and fulfilling, it can often mean the opposite as all the choice leads to a sense that the next option will actually be perfect and so we can pass up on something really really good in search of this (unrealistic) ideal.

In a slight twist on what others have said, I would suggest that you focus on doing things you enjoy, but things that put you in contact with large/changing groups of people and when in that environment, don't be afraid to introduce yourself and start up a conversation about whatever the topic is that brought you there in the first place. I'm not suggesting you ask someone out at every one of these events but you do make the effort of introducing yourself to people. It is the first step in something that could be the path you are looking for.

jj880

Women are just as bad as men for not letting go of 1 branch until they're holding another.

Yurt2

Modern dating has become an extension of consumer behaviour, for both men and women. And that's not a good thing. Men and women who have their sexual mating strategies maximised by dating apps etc tend act like they're shoe shopping/looking for a new motor in their interactions with potential mates, and they think anything goes. The humanity has been removed from the process.

I'm going to sound a little old fashioned saying this but I'll do so anyway: there are little to no values at play in the modern dating market (and it has fully been transformed into a market). This is to humanity and societies detriment. I've seen men and women acting like sh*tbags in their approach to meeting the opposite sex and are enabled by dating apps.

It's difficult, but I'd advise to date for values and date for character. Don't get confused by nice smiles and convenient words, never compromise on your values.

AmberKat

Hey Op,

Dating in this modern world can be soul destroying, speaking as someone with the scars of having gone through it.

I believe all the stories you told above as I have similar ones. However I'd suggest that maybe some might be about miscommunication. They might have a different love language to you, so what you see as all take and no give, might be that they are giving things you don't value or that aren't important to you.

My partner is very much about words of affirmation followed by acts of service but I'm more phyical touch (you can't beat a good hug) followed by acts of service. The overlap in our secondary love language was really helpful at the start.

However what helped more was open communication, expressing my appreciation for things they did, actually saying what I needed/wanted and perhaps most importantly in as direct but kind a way as possible what wasn't working for me.

I'd give people a pass on the first date for talking a lot, as nerves can often get the best of people and they talk to fill the silence. However if you see them rolling their eyes that would be the end of the date for me.

The guy who reacted poorly to the short notice cancellation, isn't actually surprising as your reason probably sounded like an excuse to flake to him.

Try to focus on each first date as a stand alone fun experience that might lead to another one. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or your date. Best of luck

OMM 0000

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118184073#Comment_118184073

The fact she chose to present it in the pub in front of his friends, when she knew he wouldn't be able to respond with a card for her, tells you everything really. She was publicly shaming him yet wants to pretend she's the victim.

EDIT: Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, she might have just been virtue signalling, trying to let the people in the pub think she's a nice girl, but either way, it's crappy to publicly embarrass your boyfriend like this.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118188004#Comment_118188004

I'm going to sound a little old fashioned saying this but I'll do so anyway: there are little to no values at play in the modern dating market

I think we can look at the past through rose tinted glasses a bit too much as well. My mother grew up in an era where one girl was 'promised' to a local farmer and when he arrived to meet her, she had ran away, and so her sister ended up marrying him instead.

Matchmaking was common and not to mention the lack of say many women frequently had in the whole process. I think maybe one thing that was more likely the case back then then it is now is that people did not expect to have much choice outside of that which was already known to them. It isn't so long ago that many people didn't travel or engage as much outside their own community or were as focused in the development of their career and so I think people were more willing to work at what opportunities were presented to them (both before and after getting in to a relationship) whereas now, there is more likely the feeling of 'this isn't exactly what I want, so I'm going to look elsewhere.' rather than focusing on if there is enough there to make it worthwhile staying.

(I'm not suggesting it would be better if people stayed in unfulfilling relationships, but just that maybe we are too quick to abandon what could in fact be fulfilling if we looked more closely at it)

bitofabind

Dating can be a bit of a pick n mix. It's invariably hard when you're trying to control the outcome i.e I want to meet my lifelong partner, but are ghost-walking through it without learning a thing or changing your own behaviours, and instead are just repeating patterns that keep you in the same loop of getting what you don't need.

I can confidently say that dating didn't get easier for me until I decided that I would rather live a happy single life for the rest of my days ON MY TERMS, than to tolerate someone who couldn't give me what I needed ever again. That, alongside a dating sabbatical while I ironed out those deep-rooted issues with a therapist, in what would be a very painful trip down memory lane, changed everything for me.

Before that, on the outside, I was walking around telling people I was this great catch - great job, attractive, well travelled, impressive all rounder - who just couldn't catch a break. I knew a red flag when I saw one, blah blah. When deep down, my self esteem was so poor that I thought the drama and unavailable types and "never feeling good enough" for the men I dated was all I deserved, this was all I ever would get, this was "relationships" or "men", while I drew in and entertained the same types again and again. I won't post a thesis about it, but this stuff can be really complicated and painful and related to what we learned as children about how to love and be loved. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy and a way to stay "safe" in the world. For me it was a survival thing - I thought life was supposed to be combative and hard and no man would ever be on my side and love never was this easy, consistent, peaceful thing and ironically, dating the f-boys and flakey types and unavailables kept me from ever having to experience REAL intimacy or vulnerability.

So I'll just say this to you, OP: we do what we do because it works for us, in some way. All of these toxic men and painful dating experiences - what are they telling you about who you are, and how you're living in the world? What do you actually want in life, and can you find a way to give yourself those things without looking for them in a relationship? Simply accepting you're single and may have to be single for a while / maybe forever to protect your inner peace is where real change happened for me. We're not supposed to be single by society's standards, so that's a hard pill to swallow, but was critical for me to learn how to prioritise myself and my life without waiting for someone to come along and start it for me.

partyguinness

I get the impression the OP is somewhat lazy. Now, hear me out.

When you are dating online you got to accept it's a numbers game and most of the dates will not suit. Also, you do not seem to have a clue what you want. In fact I am not even sure what you expect us to post back at you. It is a general moan about the rubbish dates/relationships you have had over the years. Yes you will meet headbangers and assholes but at the same time but you come across as rather passive and not really putting in the effort- just cruisng from one insipid date to the next and expecting fireworks everytime. As you have discovered it ain't like that.

I mean this in a constructive way but rather than slagging off the bad dates just forget about them. Focus on what you want and go for it. Don't just lazily fall from one crap date to the next. Like everything else in life- you get back what you put in. If it gets to the point where all your dates are crap then you really need to start looking in the mirror.

Daisy78

Do you think perhaps you have a tendency for going for a certain type, the kind that ultimately will be the sort who will disappoint or disappear? Looking back can you observe any pattern in terms of the type of guy you are happy to entertain and give a chance to or more importantly the type of man you tend to overlook? You are either very unlucky (though lucky in another sense as you appear to get a lot of dates) or you may be drawn to certain traits, superficial or otherwise in a prospective partner, which may not make them a good match for you. Maybe it might be worth discussing with a friend who knows you well and who may have better insight into your dating practices?

It also feels like men see women as disposable and they're always keeping an eye out for someone 'better' and no ones ever good enough for them, just feels like men expect you to be perfect and if you're not, they make zero effort.

Its easy to form bad opinions of the opposite sex after years of dating. I could probably end up making my own inaccurate generalizations "It also feels like women see men as suppliers of disposable income and they're always keeping an eye out for a soft sucker that will quietly do what they're told and won't cheat on them and will help raise the children rather than run off pursuing his own self interests, just feels like women expect you to pay for the first date meal always and if you don't, they make zero effort."

The truth is that its not "men" or "women" that are the problem. Its just people in general are a bit weird and have many flaws. We all think we are the normal one and anything different to us is a problem. There can be some truth in that of course. You sound normal enough Op and your stories sound like normal dating stories to be honest. Out of a thousand people that you meet, there is probably one person that is even 80% compatible with you (I'm being optimistic, I think in reality its closer to 1 in a million). Some people get lucky of course and meet the right person very quickly. Most of us have to kiss a lot of frogs. That's the game unfortunately. You just got to keep putting yourself out there and dating and dating until "click" you meet one person that is nice and normal. In the meantime, take heart from the fact that you are a woman and the guys are paying for all the drinks and meals or at least disproportionately most of it because that generalization tends to be true 😜

sbs2010

Holy crap - 90% of the replies here are slating the OP. Blaming her for not wanting to accept some crappy behaviour. Suggesting she gets counselling. Are you for real?

OP - stick with it. It's a numbers game on line and off-line be open to approaches (either asking or being asked out).

Good luck.

JimmyVik

OP try some natural dating.

Maybe if you meet someone in the pub or at a sports club or work or something like that and you like them just say "we should do this again" and see what happens.

Dating apps are one of the worst things ever to happen to relationships. Just dont use them.

zg3409

Firstly are you going on many dates or speaking to potentials on the phone? If you aren't going on at least 4 real world dates a year your chances of love are lowered. At 32 many people settle down and go off the market. By 40 many "normals" will be taken. Others say it's a numbers game and probably 99% on apps are not suitable. You need to try and try again and have phone calls before real world meets. Sometimes the paid apps have less chancers.

As suggested non app meet ups often work out better, some people don't use apps and you can sus out members of say local tennis club and find out who is single and get to know them a bit.

The whole it's not you it's me, is worth reflecting on, relationships arnt easy, men are from Mars women are from Venus, find things you both like in common such as movies, travel, hobbies, and do those things. You need to be treated right, but remember if you give your partner too much grief they will pick being single over a relationship with you. All couples fight behind closed doors, some in public. They fight over money, who tries more, and annoying habits get more annoying over time. Treat it like a task, plan and have targets and goals. Write down where you want to be in 12 months, and 3 years and try to get there. It takes 2 to tango so even if you are keen there is no guarantee the other person is keen. We have all had broken hearts ❤️ and failed relationships. Spend 40 hours a week at work, try 4 hours a week at finding someone. Good luck and remember 90% of singles are in the same position as you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118227046#Comment_118227046

Is there such a thing as natural dating post COVID? I doubt its that easy to meet someone in a pub or at a gig the last year and a half. But my own experience is that you meet some serious lunatics on dating sites, paid or unpaid. The people you meet in a pub environment are probably a little more normal but its also hard work and expensive routine to get into. It works better if you live in a city and can be difficult down the country where the locals are generally a bit more clicky.

Rome2021

Maybe I sound too romantic, but I would just wait to fall in love with someone. Then I would concentrate my energy on it, that would be also very easy, because when you are in love, you just think of him all the time. Dating in your case seems a real work, it seems exausting to me, I would avoid dating. Live your life, enjoy it, there will be someone at work, at voluteering, or somewhere else, that "catch" you. There is not much explanation in it, it just happens. Do not concentrate on dating, just enjoy your life and see what happens.

Daisy78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118227861#Comment_118227861

There are plenty of normal decent folks on dating sites, some oddballs but to be honest no different to what you might find in a pub on any given Saturday night. Options for meeting someone might be limited if you don’t want to date anyone from work, may not be into sports or have hobbies that are more solitary in nature. The pub is trotted out as the best place to meet someone but in all the many years I was single I never met anyone from a night out, beyond a casual encounter that is. Dating online is just another option and it might not be in the OP’s interest to rule it out.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118228190#Comment_118228190

I would just wait to fall in love with someone.

I'm not saying that that cannot happen, but, as a 42 year old single person, I would advise against waiting for it. For a number of reasons I didn't pursue dating for an extended period in my 30's. It was mostly health related, but, I felt that it would happen, when I was ready for it to happen. It hasn't.

If I had my time back, I would try to prioritise that more than I did. I would encourage people to date consistently. I'm not suggesting a different date every week while single, and within a week of any relationship finishing but at least every few weeks if you are not recovering from the end of a long term relationship.

By all means, take a break to assess where you are at, and if you genuinely feel it's best you don't pursue dating for a period, then don't, but don't sit inside waiting for someone to knock on your door either.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118232443#Comment_118232443

theres actually known to be a higher number of psychologically unwell/unstable people on dating sites, than most other dating environments, but of course theres plenty of healthy people also

Esel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118232917#Comment_118232917

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

John Palmer

No need to over analysis it. Just go with the flow.

B.A._Baracus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118232917#Comment_118232917

Yup.

I've known a lot of people who have used dating sites over the years. Pof in particular and they all say anyone who is normal is either snapped up or leaves the site.

I have heard a crazy amount of horror stories over the years. From women who barely washed themselves to an old lad I know saying how on a first date with a woman who was in her 60s, starts randomly saying how she was abused by her father when she was young. Like you'd be sorry to hear that. But thats not something you wanna hear 20 minutes after meeting her. I could go on.

Greyfox

To be honest I think anybody single these days and on not on the likes of tinder or Bumble are a bit of an eejit as if you meet someone in real like chances are there on these sites also. With OD you just have to have a bit of cop on and you can weed out most of the time wasters.

There's loads of wonderful single people out there, it's just a bit time consuming finding the one that's right for you and the really hard part is not investing emotionally until you know that both of yous feel something.

Constructive advice here. There are courses/books on how to be more of a woman. How to behave in a more attractive way etc.

You need to put yourself out there as the hot commodity you are.

Also, I note your post was very long. Does this ever translate into the way you text? Men like a more direct and brief communication style.

Best of luck.