Complications with lifelong family friends...

Ash.J.Williams

I would wait and let them contact you , and when they invite you again ( they will because you have probably inadvertently guilted them to) DO NOT STAY OVER, make it a day trip and eventually a new relationship will develop

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118069782#Comment_118069782

My feeling is that it was probably quite blunt because the OP chose to be oblivious to any previous more subtle messages.

You have completely taken these people - who are NOT family - for granted, and imposed your presence when it was clearly not wanted. You’re coming across like throwing them a packet of biscuits makes you a considerate guest. It does not. It seems to have reinforced your view that you were somehow entitled to stay with them.

Let things settle for a while, and maybe some gentle contact might then be acceptable to them. But never stay with them again.

Ficheall

Do not send them money or a voucher. That will most likely be perceived as an insult, and make the friendship much more difficult to patch up. Plus, unless it's to the order of thousands of euros, you will be undervaluing them.

Don't stay with them again for a long time. Invite them to stay with you. If they won't stay with you, invite other people to come visit you. Often. To get an idea of the imposition it causes.

Go to your hometown within the next couple of weeks or whatever as you had intended, stay in a B&B, and invite them out for dinner or similar, as many others have suggested.

Don't bring money or gifts up again, either in discussion with them, or as some attempted justification in your own head. Your gifts when you visit are a token of appreciation - not a payment.

Say something to John and Mary like "Sorry about the misunderstanding [there's probably a better word] , I'll be in X on November Xth - it would be great to see ye for dinner [or similar] if you're free."

And you pay for dinner and don't make a big deal out of it.

Tork

OP, I think we've well and truly established that you overstepped the mark and shouldn't look to stay with them again. But if you want to remain friends with them, I think you need to take action sooner rather than later. It is the sort of situation that will fester and become harder to resolve as time goes on. I don't think they will be the ones to make the first move, so it's up to you.

Going to stay in a hotel or B&B, and inviting them out for a meal is what I'd do. Then make a quick apology but don't try to delve into why all of this arose. I don't think they will want to go there. I doubt you do either. On that, I think you also need to roll back on all the "I love you like a sister" platitudes as well. It could be the Irishness coming out in me but those comments made my skin crawl. It really is too much and it might have made them feel uncomfortable too. I think the only way this friendship can be saved is to put a bit of distance between you and treat them like normal friends. I get the feeling that there's a big back story as to why you have such intense feelings for this family and that it might not be all that healthy.

JoChervil

OP the whole story for me is very one sided from the very beginning. It looks like you were using their house from your childhood. You never mentioned, if they played in your house back then to keep some balance.

It seems for me that you never let this friendship grow from their side because you never gave it a space for it. You were inviting yourself to their house, so they had to keep you company. But would they do this, if you stayed in B&B and invited them for drinks? It seemed you never checked it. Have you invited them to your place or a B&B near your place to reciprocate their favour?

It is all about me: I want to stay, I want to pay back for my visit in a way I like, not in a way they would like. This money response for me was not about money only about imposing yourself with everything even with a way of paying back. Also we can't exclude they have just money problems, but the real friend staying 4 times with them in last 4 months would know it. For you they and their needs don't matter. You don't even give them a right to their feelings. She felt being taken for granted and you said "but I didn't". Even now you are not able to accept that, to accept their side of the story. And that they have right to it.

So you could try to rebuild this friendship but on an equal foot, like staying in a B&B and inviting them for drinks or a meal. Or whatever THEY would prefer. Sending them a voucher would be continuation of your ME doing, which already annoyed them so much.

Or you could just call and ask how you could repair the damage done and give them a chance to have their say. Yet you sound too defensive to really hear them.

HazeDoll

The responses here are almost unanimous. Having a frequent guest is a tedious business. As well as putting pressure on me to tidy up, do extra shopping and sort out the guest room, it also means I'm having to turn down things like dinners with other friends, saying things like "I'd love to but Whassername is coming that weekend."

I love having overnight guests but I generally discourage them from visiting on an ordinary weekend because it means that Sunday evening comes around, the guests leave, but I haven't really had a chance to relax all weekend. I had a very good friend who, off and on for about eighteen months, used my house as a very cheap and convenient base at this end of the country. He would let me know a few days in advance when he was planning on coming down (and often who would be with him!) He thought this was all the consideration that was required. Once or twice, to make a point, I said "Oh, what a pity, I'm away this weekend." His response was along the lines of "That is a pity. Still, leave a key out and we'll manage."

He often brought little gifts, sometimes thoughtful, usually uninspired petrol station gifts. He often brought wine, for example. I don't really drink and I almost never drink wine.

No matter how hard I tried I always got into a foul temper at some point during his visit. Eventually I had to sit him down and tell him how it makes me feel. I told him that it was a very important friendship to me, but the fact that he treats my time and my little house so casually is hurtful.

In fairness to him he got the message. We're still good friends because I forced myself to have that uncomfortable conversation with him. If I hadn't done that we would definitely have had a proper falling out and that would have been that.

OP, hopefully you have gained a little insight into how your visits have affected your hosts. They're probably annoyed with themselves at the way they handled it. Still, it's up to you to call them and, as others have suggested, let them know you won't be imposing any more but you want to keep in contact.

Pistachio19

When we sold our home place after parents died I would not dream of asking anyone if I could stay with them, and that includes my aunt and best friend. If someone continuously expected to stay with me I'd have to put a stop to it. You have well and truly outstayed your welcome with these very patient people. I wouldn't want my own family coming to stay with me as often as you seem to stay with your ex neighbours. No amount of candles or chinese takeaways would make up for someone imposing as much as you have. If you wish to go and stay in your home place again, book into a B&B from now on.

Big Bag of Chips

@penovine, I'm going to lock this thread now. You've had pretty unanimous advice from everyone and I don't think there's any benefit to leaving it open.

I hope you are OK, and that you take something positive from the thread. These situations can easily arise without anyone meaning any harm. You didn't mean to take advantage, and I'm sure your friend didn't mean for you all to fall out.

Be kind to yourself. And when the dust settles I hope your friendship will be able to continue... Without the overnight visits!

Thread locked.