Dad support

Pure_HP

Mod Note:

Making this into a Sticky as I think it is a useful support.

Carry on!

Shesty

Hi all dads, I couldn't really find anything on here about a support group for dads so decided to start one.

Firstly, I just want to clear the air by saying, I understand that a mothers job is much more demanding and full on as us dads but it still is tough.

I'm a first time father of twin boys that are about 2 months old and I'm really struggling at the moment with my partner. I wholeheartedly love her and love our boys as much but I feel like the second I walk in from work, everything I do to help is wrong and that I feel like it would be better if I was totally useless and incapable of anything.

I know I pull my weight as I do night feeds, clean and prepare bottles before and after work, handle finances and on top of this handling the pressures of building a new house.

I know that this will get better and everything will be fine but I just wanted a safe zone where dad's can share their stories and issues for support.

BronsonTB

Congrads on the twins.

I'm a first time dad with a 3 month daughter...

Was deffo hard in the very begining, wasn't doing anthing right! But has got easier.

Pure_HP

Thanks BronsonTB, congrads to you also on the baby girl. It's life changing for the good! Couldn't imagine life without them now..

Yeah I've been told that alright and I know it will but sometimes it's exhausting, just going to have to grin and bear it!

I am lucky that I do get a "break" and go to work but I just know 3 out of 5 evenings I'm coming home to stress and chaos that it seems like I'm getting blamed for or resented for. She does say that she only takes it out on me because she loves me and that she doesn't mean it but it takes it's toll on a fella

irelandrover

The first few months are tough. The mother really struggles with the feeding and I found my wife was very lonely as she missed the social aspects of working.

When she went back to work then it was a lot more balanced as even tho she pumped I could also feed the baby. She also had the social aspect back so didn't feel as isolated.

I don't think it got easier to be honest but you get used to it. You settle into your new life, at least I did as I accepted my life changed. I kept some hobbies so I still played football on a Sunday morning. I felt that was very important as it allowed me to keep a bit of me.

Electric Nitwit

Great idea for a thread OP, hope it takes off

As you say, we all know the mum's have a much tougher time but that doesn't mean it's not tough for dads. A lot of people overlook that I think, dads themselves and those around them

I'm sure you're doing great, just make sure you know that yourself. Your partner likely has no one else to vent at, so unfortunately you get both barrels. It's a cliche, but you have to talk as much as you can. The thing is, you're best talking at a calm and settled moment, and they're hard to find!

As others say, it does get easier, but not quickly. You'll likely get to stage where the kids get separation anxiety and won't come to you. It's hard to take that rejection, and it makes it harder to feel like you're helping, but that passes too. You'll get there, but it is tough. Keep doing what you're doing. Look after the kids, look after your partner but don't forget to look after yourself a bit too.

antfin

Congratulations on the twins, I can't imagine the double effort and stress required but you'll be through the most chaotic parts shortly. It's a great experience but it is indeed one of the most stressful times for a couple, each in different ways.

With regard to 'not being able to do anything right', I think there's often an element of the Mum being frustrated with the babies but she can't express it other than to take it out on you. It sounds easy to explain it that way and say to suck it up and deal with it in the cold light of comparing it to what she's dealing with... it's slightly more difficult to put it into practice under the heat of battling with nappy changes and feeds and crying after your days at work. I'm sure she appreciates your efforts when she gets a moment without the stress but when she hits peak stress and you arrive on the scene unfortunately you being the stress release is part of the job. That said, you can't be machine either so make sure to have your own method of coping or you risk escalating the situation rather than being a help.

It will get easier for everyone when you all settle into a routine. Then the only thing that you'll get accused of not being able to do right is coodinating their outfits properly!

Pure_HP

Thanks all for the solid advice, very helpful I must say and some of the stuff seems so obvious but I didn't even realise it!

I don't want this to be all about my post either, would like it to be a place for Dads to rant, look for support, share stories, just basically like a whatsapp group of friends but it's anonymous so you don't feel like you're bad mouthing your family haha

For example, I had to change one of the twins in the car last week after his bottle, starting to poo like a tap getting on the upholstery, then he started to vomit a bit all while poo was all over my hands....the joys of twins was that my partner was holding the other one so I was on my own! I eventually got everything in order again and to be honest it wouldn't phase me anymore now because I've been through it!

I also find a bottle of beer while getting the bottles ready, turning off the lights and locking doors at night is a nice stress reliever

knockoutned

For me it was the sudden lack of sleep that nearly killed me! And I believe that his is the hardest part for both you and your wife. So where possible, get as much power naps in.

Also, give up the beer, it does nothing. Good bottle of whiskey is much better 😁

hardybuck

I think most fathers will empathise with some of the points you've raised, and as you've noted yourself things will get better.

I'm nearly 6 months into the role myself. Working from home is a blessing on the one hand as you've no commute and more time on your hands, and you're obviously there at home if your wife/partner needs a hand. But on the other hand, you can find yourself barely leaving the house Mon-Fri if you aren't careful - you finish work and go straight into parenting - rinse and repeat.

It'll test your relationship, and probably make it stronger in the long run, but communication is key. We've definitely vented at each other at different stages, but I think you've got to sit down when you can find a spare moment and discuss how things are going in a non-adversarial fashion. It's one thing to have the odd vent, but you can't be soaking that up all the time. Remember to focus on the things that are going well, the things that you'd like to get a little better, and remind each other that you have each other's backs.

From my perspective we got to the stage where we needed to actively build time into our schedule where we got to do nice things for ourselves and as a couple. It could be something as simple as getting out for a visit to the barber/hairdresser, meeting your mates for a drink, maybe a date once in a blue moon if you're lucky - everyone will have things like that which they miss and will feel the better for doing.

Over a weekend I'll be putting in 'nice' things into my diary for the next few weeks - because if we don't schedule them they won't happen. At least this gives us things to look forward to when we're having a difficult period.

Joe Exotic

Hi my twins are 1yr old now and i can completly empathize with you. as others have said its normal to have a bit of tension because everyone is so tired !!

Try to understand what your wife is dealing with, shes on her own all day and is probably thinking she is a bad mother (even though she is doing a great job) that is normal and most mothers i know think this at one time or another. Add to this the extra load when dealing with twins it can cause a lot of stress. for example if one or both of your twins are cluster feeding or suffering from colic it is a nightmare.

The key in my opinion is to be there for her and to try and get her to talk about it. If you get out for a coffe try to talk about something else though, often i found my wife could get upset when we spoke about how she was getting on. thats not what you want when out for coffee.

I used to encourage my wife to go out and meet her friends for at least an hour each weekend when she could. that hour or so break is pricless to just be free for a bit.

As for the Twins congrats !!! welcome to more than double the work, meerly changing the nappies takes forever.

The good thing is that when they get a bit older they start to take care of each other, they will play beside each other and won't get upset that your not there.

shesty

Can I hop in as a mum and then I'll hop out again.

First off - 8 weeks.Really soon.It will settle, but not for another month or two.

Second - start to take the twins yourself now and then (probably mainly weekends now), and let her realise it doesn't have to be "her way" that is the only way to do things.Lots of mums fall into that trap - it's my way or it's wrong.The dad has to find their own"groove" with the babies and the mum has to realise it mightn't be exactly her way, but it still works ok. (guilty of it myself).But it takes practice on the dad's part for this to happen.

Thirdly - give her some time.Jesus.I cannot emphasise enough how touched out, lonely and lost you can be as a mum.Just to walk around without stuff and babies hanging out of you, it feels like a physical load is lifted.Google the fourth trimester.It takes 12 weeks to "make" a mum, and she isn't quite there yet.Also google the phrase "touched out".It's a real thing.But she desperately needs an hour here and there for her (this could tie in with number 2 for you).She needs to walk into a shop without unfolding a buggy, loading in 2 kids, dragging a changing bag and then flying around trying to get it done between feeds, hoping no nappy changes are needed and that they stay happy enough for the duration.Give her that bit of time, even just an hour to get herself a cup of coffee on her own.

I shall pop out now, and I think you are right to start this - mums have lots of places to talk, but few dads reach out for a chat with other dads, and many need and would like it.I hope it continues.

witzky

Hi Op. I feel your pain. My twins turned 3 last month. To be honest it was the worst 3 years of my life. Only in the last few months they are going to bed ok without any drama, no naps anymore is great as the stress to get them to sleep was horrendous. They can feed themselves. Potty training is over (I could write a book on how bad it was to get them trained, took MONTHS).

The stress of trying to get home after work to give my wife a break is gone, I actually went for a pint last week and for the first time didn't feel guilty for leaving her on her own. My wife goes out now too without the dread of leaving me alone with them.

Luckily we both could snap at each other when needed to get it off our chest, as we knew it was twins induced! Keep talking to each other, try help out as much as you can.

And guess what.. she wants another one now!! If that's not a sign it's gets easier I don't what is ;)..

fits

Mum of twins here. I used to be so exhausted by evening time and absolutely hanging for my husband to get home so I could even go to the loo or something. It will get easier and you will both get accustomed to it. Mine are four now and I miss the baby days.

I actually thought it was less likely to be all mums way with two as everyone needs to do their bit. Anyway best of luck with it all.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214257/dad-support

As a single father of a now 9 yo , get as much time in your own with them as you can , it’s great fun and sometimes partners don’t know as much as they think

Pure_HP

Some lovely comments on this, I have found in the last couple of weeks that I'm confident enough to take them visiting on my own or out for a walk in the buggy and once my partner realised that they didn't die when she's not there it definitely was a moment for her.

I think I'm a bit more adventurous to take them out as my partner is probably so exhausted from them to be able to get up and go. And also while I'm gone for this hour she does get to catch up on a few things that she couldn't with the babies albeit it's laundry and cleaning (I try to tell her to just relax)

These are tough times but I think I'm getting over the arguments and outbursts, I know it's not my fault!

Life is always gonna put you under pressure I guess, we just have to learn that how to deal with it

fits

Well baby twins are particularly intense. And yes get her to nap if she can. That’s what I did. Husband did all the housework in the initial months here so I could focus on the feeding

Tails142

Have 4 kids, the youngest are twins, they're age 2 now and the oldest is nearly 6 so it has been a hectic few years for us.

All I can say is it gets easier, there is light at the end of the tunnel (I guess?) - it's a big difference when you get past the night feeds which is what, after 12 months or maybe 18? and an even bigger change when you get them fully weaned, ours just get a bottle of milk going to bed now. We have some time in the evenings again after 9pm that isnt just cleaning the kitchen and making bottles for the next day.

Next big milestone for us with the twins will be potty training I suppose. We're going through it with the three year old at the minute. It's a total headwreck, I don't mind changing nappies, will do it all the day long but the whole pooping in pants thing, pulling them down trying not to get poop everywhere, poop on the toilet sear, ugh it's my kryptonite. He's got the peeing down no problem, he has never had an accident but he refuses to do no. 2's in the potty or toilet and it doesn't help that he's refusing to eat his dinners the past few months and his diet consists almost entirely of cheese. What he is putting out is foul.

It used to melt my head walking in the door from work, stessful day, stressful drive home in traffic, and then boom, in the front door and straight into another round of it with no let up. But sure that's the way it is, nobody in the real world comes home to dinner on the table and sits into an armchair while their wife grabs their pipe and slippers. An older woman in work told me that she found out years later a neighbour of hers would park up near the house and take 30 minutes, lol, I guess it's a way of coping but not exactly fair on the partner.

Anyway chin up, good times will come.

Wheety

I'll echo above, the first few months are the toughest. The lack of proper sleep is a killer. But it all moves on so quickly. My daughter is 2 next month 😮 She's a great little child. Very funny and sociable.

She has being sleeping around 7am-7pm for what seems like a long time now, hardly remember the tiredness now. Lucy Wolfe's book on sleep is good. She starts sleep training at 6 months. It worked for us.

Wheety

Just to add, it is very tough at the moment but you need to power on and just try your best to help your wife out. She's been through a huge, highly stressful experience. Can you mind the babies some day and tell her to go out and grab a coffee?

It will get better and that's what you need to keep telling yourself. Just come on here and rant rather then to your wife. Bite your tongue and unload here :-)

Colonel Panic

Nothing wrong with talking to your wife about it when the time is right rather than taking the suck it up forever stance. Sometimes going for a drive or a walk helps, especially if the baby (or babies) sleep for a bit.

It's really hard on everyone - working from home, or trying to, while your wife is struggling is no picnic either. You want to help, you can't help.

I'm a new Dad too and our lad is 6 months and we feel like we've got a handle on things maybe 25% of the time, but there's been days where he's overtired and not sleeping, my wife is crying with tiredness and frustration while I'm on some pointless call waiting until it wraps up so I can give her a chance to shower where I've been on the verge of a panic attack.

Then you walk into the room he's rolling about on the floor and stops to look at you and beam the biggest smile and none of the bad stuff matters.

Anto17

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214257/dad-support

Hi, A big congrats for being a dad! Being a father, I can resonate with your experience and anxiety. It is quite normal to be anxious about our way of parenting towards our kids, especially when being a new parent. Try contributing equally to the parenting duties as your wife does. I am sure gradually you will get adjusted to the new environment and changes. All you need to do is love, care and show affection towards your babies from your heart and everything else comes through the way!

The One Doctor

I'm a stay at home dad. It's rewarding and frustrating, amazing and terrible. My wife worked shifts for years so I was looking after my first daughter a lot.

Child 2 is six months old and the wife is going back to work in March, so that'll be fun since I'm training to be an SNA and volunteering with kids to get experience.

Its a little bit frightening tbh, as a father you have less tools to use to look after kids (I can't booby feed, for example). But I managed it with Child 1 and she's great, so Child 2 will be fine.

Its quite the privilege really, and I'm glad I have the opportunity.

pajor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118239260#Comment_118239260

I'd be curious to hear how things are going a couple of months later.

Our little lad is now 6 and a half months and it's all been.. quite the experience. My wife has MS, so that brings its own challenges. My wife also wanted to breastfeed but he couldn't drink from the breast. Which was probably the result of him being born through unplanned C-section. My wife has since birth expressed all milk for him as formula is and was a no go. This also gave issues with mastitis, for which she had to be operated on 4 times. At 6 weeks she had to stay in hospital for a week. It was scary AF being at home alone with him then, but we got through it.

I could tell more and I feel like I'm airing my dirty laundry in public, but it does feel good to share this.

Laszlo Cravensworth

I’m a dad to twin boys who are 18 months old and we have a nearly 3 year old daughter also.

It’s starting to get a little bit easier now, mainly because all 3 are starting to sleep better.

i knew it would be very hard, but it proved to be much harder than I expected. Honestly, we have had almost 2 years of very very little sleep. It has been so stressful. The relationship between my wife and I had suffered. Both of us work and neither of us have the support of parents. There have been a few occasions where I thought I was having a breakdown due to the stress of it. My mental health is not good after the last couple of years and am hoping to speak to a professional about it soon.

my wife has definitely struggled too but she seems to have handled it better than me.

the biggest positive that kept me going was reminding myself that we have 3 healthy children, and that is like winning the lottery.

like I said earlier it is getting easier lately with the better sleeping but at the same time the 3 children have consumed my life completely.

I used to have so many hobbies before kids. Golf, surfing, SUP, guitar, tennis and a bit of gaming. All of these are gone aside from some gaming because it’s immediately accessible and doesn’t require planning. My physical health and fitness has really gone downhill and my diet has gone to absolute hell.

im trying to get back to fitness with some home based weights workouts and am eating better. Also getting out for late night walks helps clear the head.

It’s been a very tough couple of years but I’m optimistic that the situation is improving, for both of us.

I wish you the very best OP!

Colonel Panic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118622872#Comment_118622872

Lots of ups and downs since then. The baby had learned how to stand in his cot now and loves doing it over and over so its really disrupting naps and bedtime right now but hanging out with him is a joy!

Danzy

It's a wonderful time being a father but it is very hard, exhausting and difficult but the little hand wrapped around your finger. That's incredible.

Wonderful things are often difficult.

ThompsonYurt

Pity to see it’s been a while since someone posted but I’m going to reach out anyway!

new dad well 8 months ago now but have found the whole experience very hard, so much so the thoughts of a second child is just a straight up no!!

my wife is doing such an amazing job I would be lost without her but I can’t help but struggle when our baby girl gets really upset, I’ve no patience, anxiety levels go through the roof and overall feel useless and out of control

it comes to be point that I get so worked up knowing that she is going to have a night out or be gone for the majority of it because of the “what if she cry’s uncontrollably” again or gets so upset I can’t do anything to help.

Has anyone struggle with similar?

irelandrover

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119291744#Comment_119291744

This gets better in my experience. Initially you arent around as much as the mother so her way gets accepted and she takes over whenever the uncontrollable crying happens. The baby also gets used to the mother being the comforting parent.

As you have your child more then you become more familiar and confident, your child gets more used to you and i believe senses you are more confident.

I realise that this isnt the answer you are looking for as it is basically just wait.

But when both you and your partner are there then dont hand over the child as quickly if they start crying. I found thats what helped me. It will be hard for your wife but both the baby and your wife need to learn that you can also calm and comfort the child.

wildwillow

Your baby senses the lack of patience and anxiety and it causes her to be anxious too. You need to care for the baby when your partner is present but not involved. She may not have allowed you to care for the baby at an early stage, a common problem for new mothers.

Get into the habit of interacting with the baby and have fun rather than minding her.

Do you play with her and read to her. Are you part of her bedtime routine? Become more involved and give her your full attention. No phones, no TV, just you and her having fun and building a relationship. Learn control and patience and don't be afraid. It just takes cuddles and comfort from you to become competent and happy with baby.

AxelF84

I'm a father of 4 under 6 with our youngest 6 months. My wife works from home and I'm working from 6 until 3 ish mostly 5 to 6 days a week. Whilst each child was so different and routines had to be adjusted and scrapped we both would not change it for the world. Very few of our friends are in relationships or have kids so it's very hard to bounce ideas and gain advice and I get the feeling the majority of them thought we were crazy for having so many so close together, we had numerous miscarriages in between so we felt we were blessed with what came our way and feel the luckiest parents in the world. My wife and I tend to agree on the majority of things which definitely makes things alot easier and there is no expectancy from anyone of us on the other that one has to do a certain thing. Whilst we were both exhausted we always prioritized what needed to be done there and then and the weekend was for everything else. The most important thing we felt was trying to spend as much time as possible with them which in the end is extremely difficult with such a busy home life. We love including them in cooking and cleaning and they love helping and feel so special in helping us. The only problem was seemed to be nearly spending no time together as a result, I would sleep on a rock and when the kids went to bed I would sit down and would be asleep in minutes, we would try watch something but it would Inevitably lead to me falling asleep which I know frustrated my wife and I completely understood this but felt helpless. The strain of the hectic pace at home ultimately led us to argue so much more about silly things but we would always talk about it and realised it was tiredness, frustration but it kept on happening until we ultimately sat down and discovered that we were both trying to do so much to help the other that we both actually felt like we were weren't contributing at all if that makes any all. Since then especially since out fourth was born we are flying, we both really appreciate each other without taking each other for granted and we both started our own sporting activities outside of the family circle. I suppose the important thing for us was we always communicated good or bad and we never ever set expectations of what both should be doing. We always worked as a team even though sometimes it didn't feel like that. What always got me through was without this amazing woman I wouldn't have these amazing people in my life

dauly69

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119291744#Comment_119291744

I've been there, it's tough. I'm a dad of twin boys who are just 1 now and I know you don't want to hear it but time is the only healer. I was like you from 6 months up until 1 year but it's amazing what just changed all of a sudden.

I think @wildwillow gave you an excellent answer, try to bond more when Mommy is there as your safety blanket but try not to use her as much as you get more comfortable, attempt to do a bedtime after some time. There's such a sense of achievement and pride when you get a win for yourself in fatherhood.

Neyite

Not gonna offer advice (yet) but just wanted to remind you all to give yourselves a pat on the back from time to time.

You can fall into a habit of everyone lauding the mother for her excellent baby-wrangling, but I look back and I don't think I could have done it without my OH walking the floor with our colicky son. He had loads of patience when the crying really stressed me out. I helpfully timed his paternity leave to coincide with the European Championships so he was on the rocking chair with the baby on his chest and explaining the rules of the game to him for hours on end.

10 years on, those early months are a hazy fuzzy memory and they've graduated to talking about football and other sports, watching sports, endlessly kicking a ball about in the garden, going to training, going to matches, and all the other stuff and the bond they have is incredible.

My only mantra was "this too shall pass" and found it to be true. The colic, the teething, the toddler years and every happy yet terrifying stage in between goes by like a flash. And just when you've got that stage nailed and acting like a pro, it's time for the next one 😀.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119484980#Comment_119484980

No truer words said. 😂

Have 2 boys 8 & 11 who still need hugs, a bit of tlc and an occasional shout.

Still checking in on them every night on my way to bed and pulling the duvet over them. Some things remain. 😁

AckwelFoley

I have 4. Eldest 21 years. Youngest..21 months.

1 bit of advice I can give. It may feel hard, and it sure is, but, it will pass in the blink of an eye. Try appreciate their early years because they don't last long and you'll spend years recounting it. Don't regret not spending enough time with them. It can be hard because the time of your life requires alot of $$$ and one needs to develop their career or work extra, but you need to see wood from the trees and find balance

lawrencesummers

What i find is the rate of change is a big part of it. It goes up very fast and comes down very slowly.

Once baby 1 arrives things change so drastically so quickly and you are not prepared for it. Before you know in the blink of an eye you go from socializing and having hobbies and time together to any combination of nappies, bottles, night feeds, brestfeeding issues, mess, toys everywhere, special meals, medicines, fatigue, work pressures, teething, puke, more puke, piles of dirty clothes, searching for dummies and then repeat it all again tomorrow with the only change being increased fatigue and more puke.

All of these things get easier and / or disappear but it takes so long and happens so gradually that you dont often take notice of them making life easier.

Thats what I found, when you get to point where something is easier (like not sterilizing bottles, or ‘regular’ sleep patterns, or toilet training finishing, not going through 5 outfits a day) you don't really notice as much how its making life easier.

In a way I guess the stages of parenthood are essentially swapping one set of worries for a different more mature or complex set of worries.

Still stihl waters 3

Expectant father here, I'm wondering what I've let myself in for reading this thread lol, I'm sure it'll be fine tho 🤦‍♂️🤣

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119487773#Comment_119487773

Your life will never be the same again.

Just remember this when you're pacing the floor at 3 in the morning and the baby won't tell you what's wrong 😂.

P. S shouting at it won't help (though it will help when it's a bit older) 😩

shesty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119487773#Comment_119487773

"This too shall pass".

That's the mantra at 3am.🙃

Neyite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119487773#Comment_119487773

My OH was the first to hold our baby while I was getting patched back together. So for that full hour, the two of them stared at each other and OH will tell you that was the single, best moment of his life.

Parenthood can busy and messy and tough at times, but it's also magical, hilarious, happy and fulfilling. It will be fine. Better than fine. 😊

AckwelFoley

My wife gave birth to number 3 in the front seat of the car while I was doing 100 on the motorway.

10 mins later at the hospital as i looked through the window of the car, her white t shirt covered in blood, holding the baby in her arm, tecmxting her mother in the other, It's at that point the respect I had for her because ironclad. A woman not to be fucked with

bad2thebone

My son was born in the year 2001 , I was 23 myself. So he's nearly the same age as me when I became a dad.

There's no easy way to say this but you'll experience a lot of emotions both you as a dad,the mum and baby. The father has to take the mum as she is, even if you think she hates your every effort and is undermining your ability to share the responsibility or you're not doing enough. It's nothing personal, just take it on the chin. And never show any weakness or feel sorry for yourself because you're feeling like you're not the apple in her eye any more. Which is far from the truth, you're parents now and it's a new chapter. You take the good with the bad. Man up and be understanding and go along with it. You'll adapt quick quickly if you don't resist. A mother puts the child first and the father puts the mother and the child first, he's going to have to be strong. Encouraging her to go out for a walk or meet a friend for a few hours is always good, while you'll sit in with the baby. Baby's love when dad lies back on the couch, and they're just lying on your chest, they'll feel your heart beating and it'll settle them down. My son used to fall asleep that way. Or take the baby out for a walk while mum gets a nap.

Another pointer is grab a brush, clean up the kitchen even do some dusting, folding clothes, ironing, hang out a wash, clean the bathroom. Be useful when she's looking after the baby and you feel like there's nothing you can do. Distract yourself, because you're picking up the bits left behind that won't be going through her head as something that has to be done, just so you're not useless. She'll be delighted that you can do the household chores instead of tapping on the smart phone.

Nothing worse than a man standing there feeling useless, a quivering wreck because he's not getting as much attention as the baby lol I've seen big burley men pussing because their wife let off a few roars, or is in bad form. Take it on the chin.

Now and again just tell your partner she's a great mum, and don't expect her to tell you you're a great Dad, validation is just not cool.

And if you have hobbies like golf, fishing, gaa games etc you'll have to knock that on the head. Don't worry you'll get to do all that stuff again.

Life ain't easy, but it's worth it if you want to be a family man . Just put your kid and partner first and don't react if it's feeling like you're second best now. It's not a feeling it's the truth.

Would I do it all again, definitely not but I made mistakes too by feeling left out or useless. My dad gave me similar pointer's and he's nearly always right. Make yourself useful he'd say.

Oh and don't expect the mother in law to be all about you or thinking she's a bossy one, her main concern is her daughter and grandkid. They kind of take on a roll as a secondary mother, that's nothing personal either. They just want to be useful. After the second or third you'll be dam glad that the mother in law wants to help out...

Enjoy

lawrencesummers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119488327#Comment_119488327

And ironically you were in that situation because you had.

lawrencesummers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119487773#Comment_119487773

You have left yourself in for a massive change in life, a turn on a the road that you dont see exactly whats around the corner.

The people that dont embrace it have the most problems, you have to put yourself down the list of priorities a fair bit for a while.

An example, the christmas after my first was born i didnt have one pint in a pub, the christmas before i didn't have one night at home except for Christmas day.

Overall the first year is just constant work, and it gets easier from then on, for me the best part is when they start walking and talking, that can be a lot of fun!

AckwelFoley

One thing I did find difficult was when my wife miscarried before the last was born.

She had miscarried before but I think despite trying to manage expectations and wait until 12 weeks, and then she gets to 12 and loses it, it is difficult

I found it particularly tough that time. Not disregarding the physical and emotional turmoil a woman can go through and I know its difficult, dad has to somehow be the rock, be a pillar for her and manage his own feeling at the same time.

I distinctly remember friends and family of ours all asking her how she was, how is she feeling. Of all, only one person asked me.. she turned to me and said "How are you doing, how are you feeling?"

Dad tends to get forgotten about. Which I suppose is part of life, but can be tough too

One thing you learn from talking to people is how common miscarriages are.

lawrencesummers

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119489508#Comment_119489508

Its something that is far more common than is widely acknowledged or at least talked about, we had one also and people dont realize how high the chances are, its probably easier to process if you have had baby already because you know “it” works and you can go again, as opposed to the first pregnancy resulting in miscarriage creates constant uncertainty for the duration of the next pregnancy that something could go wrong.

Borzoi

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119488188#Comment_119488188

That happened to me. Did he tell you it was the scariest moment of his life too, it was for me.

But all good, 2 small men in the house, 5 & 7.

To the OP, yep, parenthood is strange, worrying, tiring, frequently inexplicable, expensive, wonderful, awesome, loving - I could go on, but I think you get the gist.

It does get easier, and different too! With smallies, all parents basically put their life on hold, and resort to existing. It can be hard , and frequently dad isnt really noticed, thats the way it is. Just as Mum is stepping up, Dad has to as well, and you may not get the plaudits, but you'll get the love, and is worth it.

Long game though, so stick with it.

elgicko

I was in your position 4.5 years ago. First time dad on my 40's, with baby twins in 2018.

I remember the first 3 months, my OH was getting 30 mins sleep every 3 hours, she was breastfeeding the pair of them, was tough going.

People used to say to me, the 1st month is the hardest, I would get to the first month, was still hard, then they would say first 3 months are the hardest :), etc...

The 1st year was tough, really tough but it passes. Hang in there man, you will be ok, support each other, as best you can. Take help from anywhere you can, we had family around us, which helped immensely.

Sleep deprivation and the fact that your life has been turned upside down, can be a strain on any relationship. When we look back we said, if we can get through the first few months when the lads arrived, we can get through anything. It made us stronger in the long run, but there were arguements, lots of them! Not so much now :)

As time goes on, you will be able to take them out for walk, drive them around, you will both start to get your life back slowly. Right now you are in the weeds, a simple thing like a shower is amazing!!

Right now there are so many bottles, so many nappies, it will pass. I tell you what, they will be great friends, my lads play together all the time. The effort you are putting now, you will get it back in spades, as they have an instant best friend.

Long days and short years..., Hang in there you are doing great!! Your not the first to do this and you won't be the last. People who have twins get what your going through, try not despair, you are both doing your best and that's all you can do.

Good luck to you!!

Things that really helped us:

We still use this!! Served us from newborn to now!

https://tonykealys.com/products/https-tonykealys-com-collections-twin-and-double-pushchairs-products-out-n-about-double-nipper-raven-black-on-black-frame?gclid=Cj0KCQjwxveXBhDDARIsAI0Q0x0TYjiCL5sIikFmh0MENyQ10E-rU8ulfuTyFYqJnvhjVaNOsr2_e6waAtceEALw_wcB

These are the best... Expensive but so worth it!!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BABYBJ%C3%96RN-Bouncer-Bliss-Anthracite-Cotton/dp/B0767BT9JB/ref%3Dmp_s_a_1_2_sspa?crid=3FYQIKBGXOTAC&keywords=baby+bjorn&qid=1660846037&sprefix=baby+bojrn%2Caps%2C110&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExNjRFVVVEV0xOMUUyJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDI0Mjc5U0dUMk1VNFI2V0JaJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAzNTg1OTVLS0lESkE0U05CRUEmd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==

throw all the bottles in here, life saver!! So easy

https://www.boots.ie/milton-sterilising-unit-10206698?cm_mmc=ROI_PPC-_-Shopping-_-Shopping_GA-_-Milton&utm_source=roi_ppc&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=shopping_ga&utm_term=Milton&gclid=Cj0KCQjwxveXBhDDARIsAI0Q0x3lJC9X7eeNhHH5OJU8DgnV7rieA4FrJqYI85ebfIBxxj5l72coo-IaAnGHEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

if breast feeding, get this, trust me

https://www.inhealth.ie/my-brest-friend-twins-pillow/?sku=7451&wi=off&gclid=Cj0KCQjwxveXBhDDARIsAI0Q0x1JH4rb7040hwq4oVv7beI6UbJLprcV22rSxdQcEJQsIlxE7Tamq_4aAiUYEALw_wcB

When they are a bit older, These are great for food, I used to do loads of cooking on a Saturday morning, tray of melon, tray of pear, 2 X trays of spag bol, 2 X trays of chicken stew, 2 trays of mixed veg, etc... Blend everything in a food processor, would have it all done in a couple of hours, and had food for the lads for the week! Took a lot of pressure off, as food had to just be heated up for dinner.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/KIDDO-FEEDO-Freezer-Tray-Clip/dp/B071Z9L51D/ref%3Dmp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=M0US5BL91L2N&keywords=silicone+baby+food+freezer+trays&qid=1660846432&sprefix=food+freezer+baby%2Caps%2C99&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFPODZTVVRUVDIwT0QmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAzNjUxOTUxUkdPNTBQUzVFWjRBJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTA0NzYyMTU3RTRJMEYyQzVTR1Umd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==

Bassfish

Loving this thread! Like others have said it does get easier and you'll probably find any subsequent children a little easier because you've done it before. It's still a bloody hard grind though. I think men and women are quite different in how they experience the first few years. Mine are 5, 3 and 1 and my wife always says how she misses the tiny baby phase and is sad we won't have that again (snip snip). Whereas I much prefer that last year of my son where his personality is really formed and I can do things like the cinema and bike rides with him. I coach his U6 GAA team and I know he actually loves that and it makes him look up to me even more.

You do need to face the reality though that you are now in last place in terms of priority in the house and your job is to support mum and kids. Not easy at times and often very under appreciated but it needs to be done.

Try to keep some big picture thinking going and remember what you are doing is sooooooo important. I work with vulnerable kids and families and I see so many young lads who have never known a positive male role model and girls who have never known a male who treats women well and they both gravitate to the worst possible male influence and it's tragic. Providing your kids with an example of a normal decent fella who looks after his kids and treats their mother well is absolutely invaluable.

Uriel.

Wr have a 2 year old, not too far off 3 now, and another on the way for Christmas. Pre arrival, no matter how much you reconcile that your life will change, the reality is far far greater (perhaps it's just the difference between a perception and the lived experience). But I wouldn't swap it for the world. I'm already starting to feel a little, I don't know, "sad" that our little fella is growing up. They grow and develop so quick and it's amazing watching it, but I'll also miss these times. It does seem to go in a blink as you're watching it unfold.

For those in a relationship, I do think it's important to try maintain some opportunity to do things as a couple without the child(ren). Not always easy, especially in the first year. But if you can even get an inlaw or friend to mind the little one for 2 hours while you get out to a pub or restaurant for a quiet bite to eat together can be great.

Jonnyc135

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118058184#Comment_118058184

Bottle of beer or bottle of brandy

Neyite

Ah Christmas with kids is amazing. Our baby's first Christmas we got a fancy tree bauble, wrote the year on it on the underside and we've continued the tradition ever since. Nice to look at the tree years on and remember all those Christmases.