I feel trapped in a toxic relationship because of a child that is not mine

AnonPoster

Thank you so much to everyone again who has posted. It genuinely means a lot to me. Thank you to all of you for your very supportive and practical advice. For the first time in a long time, I feel less alone. For months I felt so isolated and almost questioned my own sanity. You all have helped greatly in pulling me out of that despair. As cliche and cheesy as that might sound, I mean it. I felt as if my situation was so unique that no one could relate or offer advice.

I am still here, in the relationship. I am building myself up to walk away. I know I am only making it worse in the long run but I guess the FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt ) has yet to clear. She still has a hold over me. She is so intertwined in my life now too. She knows a lot of my Family and Friends and I guess the fear of how she will take it and what she may do afterward is holding me back also. I am genuinely afraid.

Anyway.. I will keep you posted. I re-read all of your posts each evening before bed for motivation and to feel less alone with it all.

Thanks again.

pm1977x

Be strong.

Get out.

Move on and be happy again, you deserve it.

Purple Mountain

This thread genuinely made me sad. But you are right to build yourself up to walk away, if that's what you need.

Please book in with a counsellor or therapist to help you in this process.

Getting an exit plan together with someone should help you get the ball rolling.

Genuine good luck.

Adrift

You sound like a good person, and in that you're spending time trying to predict the reactions of your partner and the child and it's stopping you doing what needs to be done.

I think you need to do it sooner rather than later, as you'll always think of some reason to hang on for just another bit. It's rent day tomorrow, it's coming up to Christmas etc etc - there's never a good time - today is as good as tomorrow, time passes so quickly you'll rack up another year before you know it.

I realise it'll be very hard and there'll be a tough period right in front of you but when you come out the other side of it you'll look back on it and be glad you did it, the best advice I seen in this thread is to buddy up with someone, a friend or family member that can support you through this.

I wish you well.

vinniem

Feel for you OP. Been there in a toxic controlling relationship. As everybody else has said already, you need to get out ASAP... There is never a good time so just do it. Only you can do it, yes it will be painful for all involved but in time you will be very happy again, guaranteed!! Best of luck

qwerty13

I hope that you escape this relationship, it sounds awful.

I’d advise firmly against maintaining contact with the child. My view is that you would ultimately be doing that for yourself, and that it will confuse the child about boundaries. I really believe that it’s a very bad idea.

patnor1011

And what if your future partner would not be too happy about you trying to play a part in this (not even your own) child life? Just wondering that they may not be as excited at fact you keep in touch with your previous partner even though it is only for the supposed benefit of the child. It has a potential to sour future relationship and perhaps even the relationship with your own children (which you plan on having one day).

Walk away, do not look back. To linger in there will be of no benefit to anyone involved and the child may get even more confused as there may be another "fatherly" figure if the mother decide to bring another man in.

AnonPoster

Thank you everyone. I am still here, grateful for all your comments. I feel supported, although virtually, it still means a lot as I don't really have anyone IRL that knows the full extent ( I feel ashamed and everyone has their own stuff going on ).

Just currently working up the courage to walk away. I am avoiding the uncomfortable , sad and awkward feelings, that's all it is at the moment. It's complicated when she is so intertwined with my family and friends.

I feel so stuck.

Dial Hard

Discomfort is not a valid reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. Nor are "intertwined" lives. Jesus, if that was the case nobody would ever break up.

I can't help but feel you're playing the martyr here OP, and rather enjoying it. People in far, far more established, long-term and intertwined relationships than yours have managed to walk away. You're not that special, sorry to be blunt.

stargazer 68

OP delaying the inevitable is not helping anyone.

It will soon be 'oh it's too near Christmas to leave' then it will be Valentines Day, the child's birthday, her birthday and the list goes on. Suddenly another year has passed and you are in the same boat and resenting her and the child.

You need to get it together and make a decision imo.

Wabbit Ears

Pack a suitcase with all your important stuff, Documents etc, few changes of clothes and remove that from the house. If you dont need it, write it off.

Next evening get in the car to go for milk or whatever and just leave. Just drive off and dont come back. Stay at a friends, Stay in a hotel, Rent a new place. Doesn't matter. Just leave. Dump her by text and then block her on all media. Call your family and tell them your safe.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117990203#Comment_117990203

Please don't do this. That would be a horrible and cowardly way to end a relationship. The minimum you can do is a face to face. It will be difficult but try to be decent.

StupidLikeAFox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117989023#Comment_117989023

You're going to have to rip off the band aid at some stage op. Remember as soon as you say it the genie is out of the bottle, there is no going back and you can start to build a life where you are happy. She may cry, she might get angry, she will accuse you of abandoning her, try guilt trip you, promise she will change etc etc, (be prepared for all that). It really sounds like she is getting everything out of this relationship and you are getting nothing, time to move on sooner rather than later

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117989023#Comment_117989023

So what advice have you heeded so far? I might be wrong but it looks like you are still in the same position where you were weeks ago.

Why are you so worried about telling anyone around you how you feel? Have you, by any chance, built up the perfect illusion of a happy life and relationship, which will now crush down? That's what happens with, I guess, 9/10 relationships that break down, so it won't be that big a deal to anyone but you.

Wabbit Ears

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117990717#Comment_117990717

Its either that or he never leaves. its not right, but its moving forward.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117991735#Comment_117991735

He can be a man about it and tell her face to face, ffs. Hope you were trying to be funny with that post, but it didn't work.

manonboard

OP. I wanted to second the suggestion of getting a counselor. I get a strong impression that you are very 'moral' but it comes from a very strong guilt driven urge. That often hides feelings of judgement towards our self. Like we are afraid of how we will be perceived by others because we might believe them, or we are afraid that we will kick the **** out of ourselves mentally after we don't follow the guilt suggestion.

However, good morals should be largely based on good behavior, and good behavior is based on healthy dynamics and goals. I think you need to do alot of work around restructuring your guilt perceptions to work in much healthier ways. It sounds like Sacrifice is a big part of your current 'good behaviour'.. where actually its quite a damaging mechanism because it harms you, creates resentment and unfairness, which leads to **** relationships which you both help propagate in other peoples lives, and enable others to participate in them.

I dont judge you for that. Its a common issue. I do however think that it should get fixed, and i think if you go to counselling/therapy, it could help you sort out the root cause of these issues that you find yourself in.

example: I told my girlfriend recently that although ill continue to support her during some difficulty she is going through at the moment, that its going on a few months now and is getting very boring for me. Its a time/pleasure sink and the relationship needs to enhance my life frequently in good things. Thats why im in it. It would easily come across as uncaring to many, however its very true that we must ensure dynamics we are in, benefit us enough that its a healthy balance. I feel some guilt about it.. but that doesnt matter, long term healthy exchanges and balance are what we must aim for. Urges and emotions that act counter to that, need to be ignored or worked on. Healthy dynamics dont need to be led by unpleasant feelings like guilt/fear.

ShaShaBear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117991814#Comment_117991814

To be honest, if the genders were reversed, this would be excellent advice because it seems as though he is in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship. He's stated several times that he is afraid of her and what she will do if he tries to leave. He is afraid to leave. If he were a woman living with a man and child, everyone would be telling him to just leave in the safest way possible for them.

Darmac84

Walk away while you can as you don't have kids together yet. Iv been in your situation and I stayed thinking i could fix all her problems, we had kids together and when i suggested some things had to change for us both be happy,as it was all about her, she ended it. Now I stuck in loop where the relationship is over but I feel I'm forever under her spell, she uses the kids to manipulate me everyday, I read your post i said myself please walk away or you lose yourself, you cant fix her and the kid will be fine in time

vinniem

Hi OP, it's been a few weeks now... Did you get yourself sorted or are you still 'stuck'?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@vinniem as per the Charter:-

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread

Given that the OP hasn't been back in a while I'll close this off. If you want it reopened at any stage for further advice OP, just PM one of the Mod Team

Thanks

HS