I feel trapped in a toxic relationship because of a child that is not mine

AnonPoster

tl;dr - I (31M) feel trapped in a toxic relationship with my girlfriend (26F) of 2 years because of a child (4M) that is not mine. We live together. Advice and perspective on what I should do and how do I exit without impacting the child ?

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My girlfriend is not a bad person. She has toxic traits due to her own childhood and past trauma but projects them on me and ultimately I am very unhappy in the relationship. We are not compatible. I feel trapped. I don't blame her, she is not doing anything to directly hurt me but she has various traits that upset me ( anger issues, controlling, needs to know where I am and what I am doing at all times ). She has abandonment issues which I guess explains some of these traits. The relationship is all about her though, and her needs and wants, her family, her friends and her support system. It's my fault, I allowed it to happen and didn't set boundaries, but I have completely lost myself. I have nothing. All of my family and friends have noticed. My career is impacting because I am giving her all the energy. People are noticing.

She has a four year old child from a previous relationship. I knew this getting in to the relationship of course. I have always wanted a family of my own, so took on the responsibility without hesitation. I have tried to be careful enough not to get too attached but when they are that age it's difficult on both sides. My girlfriend wanted us to meet sooner than I thought was healthy, I wanted to allow us time to get to know each other and let the relationship develop, but I was also caught up in the idea of a family and she pushed it so I let it happen against my better judgement.

It has taken me this long to realise this relationship is not healthy and we are not compatible. I have tried to make it work, but ultimately I just feel like a glorified baby sitter most of the time.

The child sees me as a Father-figure though. He is used to me being around. I really fear the impact me leaving will have on him now and in to the future. It will hurt me too but I am an adult. How will this impact him? He is at such a vulnerable age.

Honestly, I feel the only thing holding me back is this child who is not even mine, but I do love him as though he is. I really want my own children and family some day, I thought she was the one too. So it hurts even more.

I would be grateful for input, advice & perspective. Anyone else ever in this situation ? Thank you very much.

Dial Hard

This is going to sound harsh and I really do sympathise with you, but if people with their own children can walk away from toxic (or just otherwise non-funtioning) relationships, you can walk away from this one.

It will be hard on everyone, but kids adapt. You 100% need to look after yourself here, because you sound like a man on the brink.

Get yourself out of there and deal with the aftermath in, well, the aftermath. Best of luck.

bucketybuck

Whats the alternative, wait another few years until it becomes totally unbearable and leave then? How does that help the kid?

Like Boris said, if not now, when? Are you going to be this kids father for the rest of your life despite hating the mother? Do you think the kid won't notice?

NickNickleby

I have adult sons your age. If this was happening to one of them, I'd tell them to walk. Right now, no looking back. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to go. I'm sure if there was any prospect of an improvement in the situation, you'd have tried that. Given the bleak outlook that comes across in your post, I think you have no option but to go. I think you will be very upset leaving the boy, but you really have to think of yourself and your mental health.

I wish you well.

Staying in a lifeless relationship is of benefit to anybody, especially the child.

Children are resourceful and often deal with bad situations better than adults. They also sense tension in the air and that can lead to many problems in the future if it's allowed to fester too long.

My personal opinion - you'd actually be doing the kid a favour by leaving now. He'll, of course, miss you and have an adjustment period but he'll get through it. The longer it goes on and the older he gets the worse it'll be for you all.

I wish you the best.

TheadoreT

It sounds like your mind is fairly made up on the relationship so surely sooner than later would be more beneficial if the impact on the child is your biggest concern.

I guess the best thing is to be as honest and clear while also compassionate with your girlfriend so she can begin her healing without any lingering thoughts whether its truly over or not. Hurt and pain is unavoidable here so make sure its a clean cut for all parties sake.

charlie14

From your post the only thing keeping you there is the child, and really as another poster said, whether the child is yours or not is not that relevant if the situation has deteriorated to the level you describe. It will not improve and the longer it goes on the more trapped you will feel and the more toxic it will become. That is not good for you, the child`s mother and especially a young child. You need to get out of that relationship for everyone involves sake.

A few things you may consider though. You feel real affection for this child, and the mother from your post, does appear to be someone who has insecurity issues and as such a tendency to transfer the blame for problems in her life onto others. I don`t know if it is going to be even possible, or if it is something you would wish to do going forward, but perhaps you would consider still playing a part in this child`s life. If you do wish to do that, then I believe it is extremely important that you make it very clear to your girlfriend that the child has nothing to do with you two breaking up and you would still want to have regular contact with the child.

PeonyPink

First things first, this child has a father somewhere. It’s not up to you to take him and rear him, it’s up to the mother and father who had him to co parent him (unless you adopted him?). Children are resilient and bounce back. Sounds like you feel guilty but OP, you’ve no reason to. If you’re unhappy and miserable, why would you stay? It’s not working. Not to be harsh but he’s not your child. Why draw it out? It would be better for the child if you cut ties now and the child probably won’t even remember afterwards. I don’t mean that to sound harsh but at age 4, there’ll be a bit of upset and couple of tantrums but they will get over it and forget. Sounds like the mother and child have a support network around them so I wouldn’t worry.

Be clear - break it off completely. No half in/ half out/ visiting the child business - that would muddle things and be confusing for everyone involved. Move on. You may feel awful or guilty initially and may even wonder have you done the right thing - those feelings will pass - stick with your decision and have conviction.

To me, you sound very paternal and you obviously would like your own child or children some day. But this isn’t the way to get it. I think you should walk away, take time, be yourself again and meet someone you are compatible with and start a life and family together.

Life is short.

Don’t spend it in misery or having the life sucked out of you.

spaceHopper

You can't exit without impacting the child, but he will be OK.

We had a childminder who was a big part of our children's lives for 5 years, because of the pandemic she needed more income so got another job childminding with more hours. She adored the kids, the kids adored her but in the end it was all fine. I now it's not the same because they still have both parents but shows how strong kids are. The little boy will be fine.

Ask yourself what happened to the previous relationship, was she the same with him. She has great family support so will OK. When it ends let them know so that they can support her. But she sounds like she needs to get counseling and professional help. You aren't going to be able to help her.

Also it's not all your fault stop blaming yourself. None of her past life is your fault or your problem. You have to look after yourself. Next time look for the red flags early and don't get in so deep. It sound like a full red square parade.

seamus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117907873#Comment_117907873

This. I commend you OP for putting the welfare of an unrelated child above your own happiness. It speaks to your empathy and strength of character and it means you will be a great parent one day.

However, father figures and role models frequently enter and leave young peoples' lives. Learning to deal with this is part and parcel of life. Long-term this parting will be far more difficult for you than it is for him.

In being honest with your girlfriend about this, play it smart. You can tell her that the kid is great and you'd love the opportunity to keep spending time with him. But you say that she doesn't respect boundaries. So in aiming to minimise damage to the child, you may find yourself dug further into the mire - she'll suggest you keep living together as housemates rather than in a relationship, so you can keep seeing the child. And before you know it, you're now a live-in babysitter for an ex-girlfriend while she's out seeing other men and tearing your heart to shreds.

You know best, but it sounds like a clean break is the best. By all means you can float the idea that you might continue to be a "cool uncle" for the child, but splitting up and not living together must be non-negotiable.

Remember that you are not this child's father and have absolutely zero rights. She can walk away and stop you seeing the child tomorrow and there is nothing you can do. And most likely, she will start seeing some other guy, she will bring him in as the child's new Dad, and almost immediately you will be locked out regardless of what agreement is in place.

It is possible to leave without badly affecting the child. Let him know that he's loved and that your leaving has nothing to do with him, but that sometimes people have to go away. If he asks whether you'll see him again, don't lie and say, "We'll see", or "hopefully". Young kids don't understand that kind of subtlety. You have to say you won't. It sounds harsh, but it will be harder for you than for him.

Jellybaby_1

Similar situation happened to our lad. Get out, now. He was extremely ill afterwards and was almost hospitalised. Walk, now.

I can only say what I would likely do if I was in your shoes.

I would end the relationship, but still try to have contact with the child. The alternative would crush me. Causing pain to a child would be something I'd have a hard time getting past. The mother may not want this though.

But you need to do what's right for you.

Wabbit Ears

You leaving will not affect the child anywhere close to the amount you think it will, You're projecting your own feelings on that kid. Its not your kid, you have zero rights to any relationship with it, no matter your feelings. Accept that you need to walk away from them all. She will use him as emotional blackmail. Be ready for that.

Pack your stuff, Say its over and move to a hotel if needs be. Tell your boss about this and consider alerting security (depending on your job)

Gamer Bhoy 89

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058209384/i-feel-trapped-in-a-toxic-relationship-because-of-a-child-that-is-not-mine

Gonna sound selfish (and it is) but it's necessary selfishness, for your own health.

You need to look after yourself, get out of the relationship or you're going to dig yourself into a deeper hole.

Based on what you've described your current GF; you're not gonna get out without a fight, so expect her to throw all sorts of vitriol at you, or villainise you - guilt you, make you feel worse than what you should feel, but know in the end that it'll be better for your (and I suppose, her) wellbeing going forward.

You deserve to be happy, and if you're not happy, get out of the toxicity causing the unhappiness.

heretothere

You've had some good advice here. I think you know it's over. It's not going to be easy and I doubt you will have any future contact with the child, as someone suggested you should ask for. I don't think you should, you don't have any legal rights and it's unlikely the mother would grant it anyway (apart from when she needs a "glorified babysitter"). He must have a father out there already, he doesn't need another man out there who he sporadically sees. He is 4, he'll probably miss you for a short while then I'm sorry to say forget you.

Good luck

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117914188#Comment_117914188

This is a bit detached from reality. How do suggest visitation for a kid that isn't his? It's hard enough for an unmarried father.

Even in the unlikely scenario she is happy for him to keep seeing the kid it's arguably unfair on the child anyway. Being close to an ex will always have a heightened chance of falling to temptation which will lead to instability in the childs life. Also messy if one has lingering feelings and the other moves into new relationship.

Anything other than a clean break here is wrong and probably a bit weird.

You don't need to agree. It's what I would hope to do in a similar situation.

I know of more than one situation where a step parent has remained an important person in a child's life even when the relationship with the bio parent has ended.

Victor

It need not be a sudden or complete disengagement from the child.

Try to ensure there are other positive male role models in the child's life.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117914514#Comment_117914514

Firstly he's not even a step parent, they weren't married. He's a guy the kids mother was in a 2 year relationship with when the kid was between 2-4.

To lump all situations into one with regards stepparents keeping contact is wrong. A teenager wanting to keep in touch with someone who was a father figure for say 10 years and visa versa is very different to this. For one they're old enough to make that decision for themselves, a four year old obviously isn't.

I get he's formed a bond with this child but he knew the perils of this going into the relationship and must step away now for everybody's good.

The OP will make the right decision for himself, you're labouring the point unnecessarily imo. No lumping has occurred. And you don't get to define family boundaries, that's up to those involved. Loathe as I am to repeat myself, I stated what I would do in the situation, if possible.

We already know your advice is to go and cut all ties.

manonboard

I dont know if the OP is still reading these or not, but i wanted to chime in as i was in a similar situation (without the toxic abuse).

OP, I felt guilty as sin leaving my relationship. There were 2 little kids aged 2,4, then 3,5 when i left. I was in thier life for 1.5 years.

They loved me, and i loved them. I was never their dad but i was a male who cared for them from washing, to feeding to playing to bed time to baths to talking to tantrums.

I needed to leave the relationship for reasons of healthier happier future dynamics. I thought the kids would feel abandoned, and would feel unloved that i suddenly vanished. I felt alot of shame about leaving them.

However, I did leave. The first few months were brutal for me.. and they were less than pleasant for the woman and the kids (though the kids just had some tantrums from what i know, asked some questions etc..)..

Within a month, they rarely mentioned me, and within 3.. they never did again. Kids adapt far far faster than you will. They wont sit around being sad or thinking complex thoughts. They just move on.

If you STAY in a toxic dynamic, the only thing you will do is teach them to exist in toxic dynamics. Dont normalize that stuff. Thats how they learn. If their faith is to watch people leave due to toxic mother, then they will learn from that eventually. The only way we can teach the next generation healthy behavior is by modelling it ourselves.

I hope you take great care of yourself.

Jequ0n

I think you already know that you need to end this. So more importantly: do you have an exit strategy?

Your GF sounds like she could make this difficult so you might want to plan this carefully and anticipate her reaction before she suddenly pulls a suicide threat or so out of the hat.

AnonPoster

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their thoughtful input and comments. I have not replied to anyone yet as I am still reading and digesting what has been said but I really appreciate it. A lot of good perspective and I genuinely feel less alone so thank you so much for that.

I'll come back soon with further updates. My main concern is the welfare of her son. I do fear how she will react and respond once I drop the bombshell, as she has anger issues and while I hate the idea of never seeing him again, I feel she would use him against me for manipulation and so on now and in to the future. I am not sure how best to do it just yet.

Thank you again for the messages so far.

Jequ0n

See if you can find a councillor to help you with this. There are certain personality types that are more difficult to manage, and it probably left it’s mark on you already.

It sounds like you have a good support network, which is why she will try to cut you off from others.

Good luck, don’t try to do this alone. She will know your pressure points.

SunnySundays

I think your consideration for her child is commendable however you seem to be seeing this all your responsibility. You and your soon to be ex, both have an equal role in this,you can only do your part in it.

She has an equal role in how she deals with it and how she conveys the message to the child. You can only do your piece here, you can over compensate for her or how she behaves. Most mature parents will handle this is a way that impacts the child most positively. As others have said, children are resilient and adaptable. It's not a reason to stay.

Once you do the right thing, you cannot be responsible if she doesn't.

AnonPoster

I was wondering if any of you had some advice on an exit strategy? - I know some of you have talked about that, so thank you. I have a feeling she is not going to let me walk away easily, in that her anger issues will surface and make it difficult for me to articulate myself in a meaningful way. Should I sit her son down and explain that I can't be around anymore ? I really feel that a clean break is best, but I can't wrap my head around what her son will think.. me being there one day and gone the next.. :-(

She is also very dependent on me. I have financially leant her money ( which I have already written off ). I pay the rent ( it's her place ). She also uses my car to get to and from work.

I have already made peace with the fact that I need to leave, just trying to figure out the best way to do that.

TheadoreT

Don't sit him down. Sounds like that's more for you than him. You really need to get your head around the fact inaction is the kindest action in this circumstance.

And don't overthink what he'll think about you, he's four and will have forgotten you long before you have him.

She won't let you leave easily? Just tell her your reasons for ending things and go. You seem guilt ridden despite seemingly being taken for a bit of a mug here(shes working and you pay her full rent??). She's definitely played on this aspect of your personality. Don't let her anymore.

seamus

The dependency issues are none of your problem, unless you created them. Which I doubt you did. Did you tell her to rent the place because you would pay the rent? Did you tell her to not have her own transport because you'll drive her? I doubt it, right?

As a generous and conscientious person you've been caught by your exact opposite; a complete user with no sense of guilt.

You know yourself honestly, if the tables were reversed, she would just walk out, tell you to shove it, and leave you to deal with whatever mess has been left behind. She would feel no guilt.

She's abusing your sense of dignity and respect because she knows you're the kind of person who has difficulty walking away and leaving someone else to deal with their own problems.

She is an adult. She is not your dependent. Not your responsibility. Having paid her rent up to now and having been her taxi driver, does not oblige you to continue to do either of those things for a second longer. There's no requirement for a "withdrawal period". You are entitled to remove your money and your support today, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Of course, she'll tell you that you've left her high and dry, that you're abandoning her, but that's the person she is. That's her being angry that you would dare deprive her of what she sees as entitlements. She doesn't appreciate you as a supportive partner, she sees you as a cash cow that she's entitled to suck dry.

Clean break is the only way. Find somewhere else to live, even if it's only temporary. Pack your sh1t up & put it in your car, preferably while she's not around. And then when she comes back, you tell her that you're gone, it's over. And you get in your car and you leave. You don't have to stand there and listen to her tirades. She is not entitled to a discussion, no matter how much she thinks she is. Your participation in a relationship is not a matter of debate. It is your choice and yours alone.

Block her everywhere. Phone calls, WhatsApp, Insta, Facebook, everywhere. In the initial aftermath, and potentially for weeks afterwards, she will once again try to abuse your personality to make you feel guilty about leaving. Be strong about it. If she sends you a message, don't even read it, just delete it.

If you have the opportunity, say goodbye to the child, tell him that you have to go. After that, it's out of your hands. You can't control what she tells anyone else, you can't control what she tells her son. Her son will think what she tells him to think. Likewise, her other problems are out of your hands. Can't pay her rent? Not your problem. Can't get to work? Not your problem. Again, she is an adult with whom you have no obligations.

If you want to ease your own sense of "could I have done more", then a quick call to her family after you've left to let them know, would at least put them on alert that she's going to be struggling.

Don't overthink it. Pretty soon she will find some other sucker - whether it's a partner or a colleague or her parents or a sibling - to pay her rent and be her taxi driver/cook/babysitter. You'll be agonising over this in 6 months time, and she'll be on the pig's back again.

Jequ0n

Why are you paying her rent? Was she able to pay it before you met? Then this should not be an issue. Sorting out commuting is also not impossible. It will be less convenient for her but that’s it really. It’s her life, her child is her responsibility, not yours.

I can’t tell from your posts whether she is vindictive or manipulative. I will assume that there are at least trait as she seems to have (had) a pretty good hold on you.

If I were you I’d speak to at least one person who you need as an objective witness for any F2f encounters. Have the break up conversation in a public place too. You don’t want made up allegations against you.

Do not react to baiting, such as suicide threats.

Don’t do it alone. She sounds disordered, and in these situations we think/ react differently than you would.

seamus

@Jequ0n wrote:

Don’t do it alone

This is a good suggestion actually. If you have someone you trust, then have them there, even just standing in the background, to help you pack up and to be there when you tell her you're gone. It should hopefully keep a lid on her temper and should help you feel like you have a bit more strength to keep walking no matter what she says.

Sunny Disposition

Been through something quite like this myself OP.

It's very hard on you, go or stay it's hard, but if you go everyone will recover in time. If you stay it's very unlikely to improve.

If I were you I'd try to break up but still stay in the child's life. Of course that'll be up to his mother, but presumably she'll see that it's in his best interests.

You have a hard time ahead of you if you go, but it'll get better, definitely. And that goes for everyone involved.