Long term boards member, going annon for this...
So i find myself pregnant, i did not plan to ever have kids and this comes as a complete shock.
I've always gotten really great advice here so i would like people's opinions...
I am 41, not in a relantionship (well more like and on and off kind of thing), i haven't even told him but i am assuming if i decide to go ahead, i will be alone.
I also have a fairly serious medical condition and this means that the chances of having a sucessfull healthy pregnancy are fairly small and it could kill me in the process.
To add to all of this, i just got a new job and i was planning to move just after Christmas.
I never planned to have kids, i really love my life, however i find myself wondering what if i don't terminate...
I would like to get some perpective from people who have been in this situation... I really don't know what to do so any advice is extremely welcome.
<Snip> OP, please do not ask posters to PM you. As per the stickie at the top of the Forum, it is a rule in Personal Issues. It's to protect both you, and other posters.
Don’t have much to offer in the way of advice, except to tell you I’m pretty sure whatever choice you make will be the right one.
First of all, congratulations.
It's very unfortunate that aren't in the right mindset/position for this to feel like a positive thing at the moment.
It will ultimately be your choice, and only you can make a decision.
I know people who were in a similar position who went on to have their child and it was the best decision they ever made. I also know people who chose not to proceed with the pregnancy and have never thought twice again about it.
Conversely, there were people who went through and had the baby and put the child and regretted it, feeling they weren't able to provide and the child wasn't compatible with their life, and also people who had an abortion and still regret it to this day.
It's not going to be an easy choice and you will always have a "what if" moment regardless of your decision.
But think long and hard about it. You are the only person who can decide what is right.
Best of luck
If I were you, I'd take a bit of time to really explore what your life might look like with a child, presumably as a single parent. First things first, would it be a wanted child, out of genuine desire and not panic/pressure? How would you manage financially? Can you see yourself being in a position where you can provide emotionally and financially for all a child needs? I'd really explore all of the practical areas.
Next, I'd probably be curious about your reasons for considering continuing with the pregnancy. What do you think a child might add to your life? Are you thinking of continuing with the pregnancy because it has alighted a little spark in you and you're imagining what kind of life you can give to a child? Or are you falling into a trap of thinking something like "They'll look after me when I'm older/I won't be alone/etc". I feel pretty strongly that children should only be brought into this world when they're wanted without any expectations of what they'll give back. As Jung said "Nothing affects the life of a child so much as the unlived life of its parent".
I'd also wonder about how you might feel if you don't continue with the pregnancy? Would life go back to normal, happily child-free, or would you suspect you may now long for a child?
Finally, but perhaps this should be first, you should 100% discuss this pregnancy ASAP with your medical team. Do they think you could even have a successful pregnancy, given your age and medical condition? What might the impact of your health be on the child as it grows up? Is there any risk of passing on your health issues, or of not being able to look after the child? Would you be willing to sacrifice your life for this child, if the pregnancy doesn't go well with your health condition? Is there someone who would look after it if the worst happened?
There are a lot of big decisions to be made in your new future, OP. Best of luck with it, because I can only imagine how much turmoil you must be feeling.
OP, you have to do whats best for you.. and tbh no one else can advise you on that.. perhaps talk to your GP and or a close friend.. you said it could kill you if you go ahead with the pregnancy? I think you need to talk to a professional based on that alone.. take care of you and the very best of luck.. PS be gentle with yourself..
You need to take time away from other input and really think about what this means to you, what the impact will be whatever choice you make. Other peoples input is ok but at the end of the day they won't have go through the pregnancy which has health risks or have their life changed. You will always have 'what if' questions regardless of which choice you make, and I think speaking to a counselor is a good idea not matter the choice made, but you need to know YOU made the choice and it wasn't one that was forced on you based on other peoples views. I'm sure loads of boards users myself included can give you examples from our own lives or friends lives but the fact is everyone's situation is different.
I would talk to your doctor so you have the most up to date information and know exactly what the current risks are before making any choice.
Thank you for all the comments.
To answer some questions:
If i go ahead i do not have any expectations for a child, i mean we are born alone, we die alone it is what it is.
The little spark that has arisen is that i do have a fondness for kids, i enjoy their company and i think i could be a good parent. I tried to get into fostering but was told no.
In terms of financial situation, i am lucky that i have a very solid well paid job, the new job is a move within my current company. I think considering the situation i could very well decline the move, it's not a promotion.
I've always thought that if i got pregnant now (last 5 to 7 years) it wouldn't be a big deal, i was married and didn't use any protection for a good 3 years, though it never happened.
If something happened to me my family would take care of the offspring so that would not be a huge deal. Well you know I'd be dead and that wouldn't be great but the child would still have a great life!
I'm not sure if i chose a termination, would i regret it. I find myself longing to continue my family, though that might just be the hormones...
It would also make my mum so happy to have a grandchild, i do not exagerate when i say she randomly touches pregnant ladies bellies if they even say hello to her!!! Not sure she would ever forgive me of she knew i had an abortion...
I'm waiting for the appoitment from the GP referral, so I'll discuss with my doctors as soon as that happens.
Good thing is, i know the exact dates when it happened so it takes a lot of the guesswork from the situation. I do still have nearly 2 months to make up my mind.
Nice sentiment with your mother having a grandchild, but you've got to do it for you if you're doing it, not for your mother. Coincidentally I know a woman who recently had a baby, her first, she's 41, unmarried, and the on-again off-again partner has turned into an on-again off-again father. She's managing good. If you want it, it can be done. If you don't want a baby then don't do it to yourself - I've two babies under 18mths at the moment, and although they were planned and wanted, christ it's unbelievable work, I can't imagine doing it if I hadn't wanted them to begin with.
Not to go all 'listen to your subconscious' here but the fact that you tried to get into fostering, had previously stopped contraception, etc indicates (to me, at any rate) that on some level you do want to be a Mum.
On the other hand, don't let your Mum's desire for grandkids be a decisive factor here. Kids are great, really great really, but they are work. It's your decision.
Speaking as someone who is very much childfree by choice, I wouldn't dream of not using contraception or thinking it wouldn't be a big deal if I got pregnant. I'd agree with @HarveyHunt that you've listed several factors that make it sound like you were always very open to the idea of having children, if not actively pursuing it. That changes my perception of your situation somewhat, in that now I think you need to explore why having a child wouldn't be right for you, including that chat with your medical team. Either those reasons will be strong enough or they won't be, but it might be a more useful way of shaping your thoughts as you seem reasonably clear on the positives.
Best of luck OP, hope your health is okay. That and the health of the baby are the big issues, things like less income, moving house, can be dealt with.
Even when it is planned, a first pregnancy is scary, but kids are a huge blessing, unfortunately it's impossible to fully understand that until you have one. Hope things go okay for you.
OP, on the off-chance you're not aware of it, the HSE runs an unplanned pregnancy helpline https://www2.hse.ie/services/unplanned-pregnancy-support-services/my-options-freephone-line.html Talking this through with your GP and people trained in this area might help you reach your decision. I'd also be a bit nervous about inviting DMs. Ages ago, somebody on this forum had an unplanned pregnancy and used her regular boards account to post. She got hassled by some strident pro-lifers and they upset her.
Speaking to your GP is the most important thing here. Get advice from a health perspective first and go from there.
I've friends who have been in your situation, without the health complication. One decided an abortion was best for her. One decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Neither of them regretted their decisions but only they could make it.
But get the medical advice first and make sure you are safe.
My advice is to seek unbiased professional advice from your doctors and also an unplanned pregnancy counsellor.
Available here: Unplanned Pregnancy : My Options.
The only thing I would stress, is to ensure whomever you choose to speak to has your best interests at heart, and not their own agenda.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.
Talk to your doctor and discuss it. Today if possible.
You've a lot of hard thinking to do, but from what you're saying it sounds like you want to keep it. Good luck with whatever you choose, it's good you're going to the GP they'll give you a better idea of how you might get on
As above, straight to your doctor to discuss OP.Use the HSE Options phoneline if you want to talk to someone about it, but your GP must be the first port of call as early as possible, if you have a health issue.What you decide after that is honestly up to you - I have 3 kids, but happily married to their dad...it is so much work but so much joy also.Just know that whatever decision you make has to be yours, not anybody else's, as you are the one that will live with it either way.
Thank you all for your posts.
I've a long thought about it and I've made a decision.
I truly appreciate the time you took to help
fair play OP. Regrets happen most often when we feel forced into a particular decision. No matter what you have decided wishing you all the best.
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Tell the father and have the child
As you've made your decision OP, I'll close this off.
Best of luck to you and thanks everyone who offered help and advice.