19 and a half stone. Here we go again.

sheeply

Hi all. Back on the wagon for 1,000th time. I finally braved the scales last Friday after months of avoidance. Was sobering to see I'm 274 lbs with a BMI of 42.9. (29F, 5'7). I've been here before.

Believe it or not I tipped the scales at 282 last April, my highest ever. I lost 25 lbs and now I'm nearly back there again. In 2018 I hit 273 and lost 20 lbs before gaining back to 282. Two years before that I was 262 and got down to 240, then 230, then back to 240 before ballooning to 273.

I carry it all in my belly (53 inches round my navel… I know) making the health implications even worse. Suffer from binge eating disorder. It's hard to stay positive but after a sobering weigh in, i felt sad and defeated but now I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

I’ve done every diet and lifestyle change in the book. I know a huge amount on exercise and nutrition. I’ve even seen a dietitian before. I’m too ashamed to talk to my doctor or ask for personal training at the gym I’ve just joined because the thought of being weighed is humiliating. I menstruate about once a year but am too embarrassed to go to the doctor. I swapped to a telemed doctor after being weighed before, the doctor said she was concerned about me because of my BMI and I was so ashamed.

I don’t want to see 274 on the scales ever again. This is my third time getting this big. I turn 30 this year and would really like to do so without being morbidly obese - that means dropping 25 lbs by November.

I know I really cannot afford to fall off this wagon. I can't stick my head back in sand. I know I need to force myself to reach out online and get the support and accountability. 

Cill94

Well done for having the courage to keep trying to get healthy despite your previous setbacks.

Given that you have tried to do this yourself several times, I think you would benefit from working with an empathetic professional with a track record of helping people in your situation.

akelly02

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058205440/19-and-a-half-stone-here-we-go-again

best of luck. one day at a time.

a few days of eating well and exercise will have the mind in a better place.

J2CVC

You can do it. You've done it before so you can do it again. Sounds like you need to work on maintaining your weight once you get there but you can work on that. Put a plan in place and go for it. Your future self will thank you.

You should stop putting off seeing your doctor. They'll only try and help you.

markmoto

Awareness is the first step to success. I wish you to get enough will power buidup to upset with your self and switch off pleasure receptors that make us so addicted and overcome eating disorder.

Unfortunately majority of MD e.g. GP don't study nutrition hence wouldn't be your choice of advice.

caviardreams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117793936#Comment_117793936

Well done OP!

Would agree with the above - the more support you can have/get the better. A PT will really not care what you weigh (in fact, the heavier you are the more room for progress and impact they will see they can have with you :-)). I would also say if you said to them you wanted to leave it a few weeks before they weighed you they would be fine with it. It's your body and they will be there to help. But don't try and do it alone OP, support is there - use it (f you can!)

tinpib

Good for you on posting here, keep us updated. Hopefully this thread will help you too.

Taylor365

Maybe see a therapist?

Food and how you treat it are habits. If you can figure out why, maybe you can treat the bad habits from that angle?

Going from what is in your OP, you probably already know all the fad diets and the what/how/who of exercise.

Let's do this sheeply!

I'll do it with you. Went down to 85kg a few years ago. Bounced back now to 103.5kg now.

No excuses. Let's do it.

ohnohedidnt

Why are you worried about being weighed by a personal trainer? It's exactly what personal trainers are for, if everybody was fit they'd be flipping burgers.

Whenever I start going to gym (last time was about 5 years ago, so memory is fading fast), I'm always self conscious, then when I start getting in shape I have nothing for admiration for the bigger people making an effort, most don't, and it's because of this ridiculous pre conceived notion that people will look down on them when the opposite is true.

Ask anybody what they'd rather walk in to, a gym full of people struggling away doing their best, or a bunch of grunting posers in tank tops admiring themselves.

sheeply

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117794546#Comment_117794546

Thanks - I’m 124kg so things could be worse for you! Glad to hear you’re trying to get back on track too. I’ve downloaded MyFitnessPal again and finding it helpful to track food diary and calories.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117793936#Comment_117793936

Thanks Cill94. I feel so ashamed of my weight and for being on this merry go round. I never used to be anywhere near this big until I was in my mid 20s on. But what you said about having the courage to keep trying really resonated with me and has stayed with me all day. Trying to feel courageous and not ashamed.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117794436#Comment_117794436

Thank you. And thanks everyone for your support. I keep going back and reading the comments and will read over them again tomorrow.

Pay day Thursday - I’m going to order smart weighing scales and a smart measuring tape as my pay day treat instead of ordering take out and binge food.

Segotias

Embarrassment aside and I've been there. Signing up with a PT or seeing a therapist or your GP will help. It will give a degree of accountability.

PT's have seen it all in terms of sizes and weights, its not a major to them as it is to you, which is fair enough but they can help put a manageable plan in place in terms of exercise and food. Any good PT won't put you on mad low calories as its not effective in the long term and gives a bad relationship with food.

You mentioned your cycle and it being once a year, this at your age is clearly not great.

I've done a program in the past with a female trainer who assesses what you need in terms of goals, lifestyle i.e. not just weight. It helps to identify what your body needs at different times of the month with your hormone, how your sleep is effecting your body, your mood and energy levels are all factors.

I'd recommend a smaller gym if you do go so you can get the attention you need in terms of not injuring yourself and getting the most value for what you put in. No one will be looking at you, I'd be one of the bigger women in my gym and I never feel watched or judged, we're all in there just trying to do our best and get through the classes.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you

I say this with experience and love: you can't cure an eating disorder with a diet.

Check out the binge eating dietician and listen to all her podcasts.

Read up on intuitive eating.

Consider health promoting behaviours. Add in new vegetables to your diet. Get some enjoyable exercise regularly, try something new, like yoga for bigger bodies. Take a supplement like inositol to help manage your blood glucose. Write affirmations every day. Stop putting off things you've told yourself you'll do when you're thin, like wear nice clothes or try a sport or hobby you've always fancied. Live now.

But do not start another diet. You might lose some weight but you're trapped in a cycle and it needs to be broken.

Good luck.

lurker2000

Hi Sheeply - your comment that you only menstruate infrequently is concerning. Have you ever discussed this with your doctor? You may be suffering from Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome or some other similar malady. Certainly PCOS makes it hard for a person to lose weigh. I recommend an MOT with your GP. Yes, your weight will be under scrutiny there but it may lead to uncovering an underlying condition that could be tackled. Good luck

Ladybird25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117835667#Comment_117835667

My thoughts exactly, PCOS makes very easy to put on weight and very difficult to lose it by the traditional ways. If it's something related to your hormones you need to find the root cause first and tackle that, as the weight could be a symptom of this.