Kissed my coworker. He doesn't appear appear like me back.

fevertrees

I'm mortified.

We're both early 20s, same summer job. Recently we were at a party with some coworkers and we shifted several times. He even walked me home. He was totally sober, I was quite drunk.

Everyone at work found out (he told them with pride it would seem). We were getting slagged constantly, I'm talking like once every 20 minutes one of the lads would crack one. Everyone seemed to think he liked me because why else would he shift me so much sober if there was no interest? We were at a birthday party last night and I was so sure he'd get with me again. I wanted to do a bit more than, well, you know....

I was getting egged on so much by my friends and coworkers. I didn't really do anything. I got tipsy enough to straight out ask him if he regretted kissing me. He said no it was great fun and he didn't mind the slagging. He was chatting to some other lass for a solid half an hour and I saw him put his hand on her knee? I didn't really think I liked him but that set me off. I felt so sad and wanted to cry? I vented to another male coworker and I'm mortified. He kept telling me crap about how I'm prettier and of course he likes me. He really doesn't. I walked home alone in a temper at 5am. I feel so silly for getting so attached over nothing. We really have nothing in common, but I find him so cute ugh. How on earth do I live this down? I feel so pathetic. Thank God I'm starting a new college course in a few weeks.

endacl

This time next year it’ll all seem like a million years ago.

seamus

Talk to him sober. Don't be making assumptions about what people do or don't feel, just find out for yourself.

You don't say how recently your first encounter was. Everything you say suggests that he does like you. He may also like this other girl, he may know her better, there could be fifty reasons. I'm sure if he'd kissed her at this other party you'd have said so.

Maybe he was avoiding anything with you at that party because he was afraid you'd get really drunk again.

Text him, or whatever it is you kids do these days, tell you'd really like to see him again, grab a coffee or whatever. Take your lead from that. If he says he can't or that he's with someone else, then you have your answer at least and you can move on.

Encounters at parties with a few beers onboard are great fun at the start, but it all turns into drama when the only time you encounter eachother is when you're drinking.

Cut down on the booze. Seriously.

The drunk jealous girl throwing herself at you is not an attractive look.

Also, you can't give consent when drunk so, maybe consider that too.

If I was a guy I wouldn't touch a drunk girl with a forty foot barge pole. Especially not one prone to drama.

Big Bag of Chips

How do you live what down? You shifted a fella. Who then shifted someone else a few weeks later. You're not in a relationship. It seems you don't want to be in a relationship. Do you?

He hasn't done anything wrong. And you're storming off in a huff at 5am and he doesn't even know!

To be honest, if he shifted you a while back when you were pissed and then you got a bit tipsy and offended he was with someone else and stormed off home after venting to a colleague, there's every chance he thinks you might be a bit high maintenance.

If you want to try some sort of 'thing' with him. Ash him. Directly. Sober. He'll either say yes or no.

In a few weeks you are unlikely to see him again too regularly anyway. So the embarrassment will be short lived!

fevertrees

Thanks for all the advice guys.

As for "living it down" I just feel awful ashamed. I'm not the type to get into these sort of scenarios, genuinely. I feel I've let myself down. I'm only a few months single after a 3 year relationship. First time being single as an adult. I guess I'm still getting used to being single? I hope this isn't what I'm like as a single woman. I don't think I know how to be cool or casual, clearly.

At this rate, I mostly want advice on what to say if someone brings it up or slags me because I suck at comebacks.

And for the record, the kisses happened a week and a half ago.

Jequ0n

“At this rate, I mostly want advice on what to say if someone brings it up or slags me because I suck at comebacks.”

Schoolyard games.

Maybe think about what you actually want, instead of focusing on how you “win” a slagging battle.

This sounds like a 16 year old bored on their summer holidays.

Idle Passerby

Maybe he got cold feet when a very minor incident (a kiss on a night out) turned into a massive public drama that all your colleagues seem to have been weirdly invested in. I get the impression if the two of you had hooked up again there would have been a crowd of onlookers applauding it. Far too much pressure and expectation for something that sounds very casual and unremarkable.

The only embarrassing part is the over drinking and throwing a strop over a guy your not involved with going off you.

BorneTobyWilde

You probably need to be more forward ,

OU812

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117780728#Comment_117780728

This.

You're in your 20s & you're "mortified". Have you lived a very sheltered life? Have you kissed many people before this?

It sounds like you're extremely shy. If you have to drink to work up the (dutch) courage to kiss or talk to people, then you need to work on your confidence. Avoid alcohol & try it without. I'm sure you'll find most guys would be only too willing to kiss someone who wants to kiss them.

fevertrees

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117780779#Comment_117780779

I think my coworkers have fussed over this minor thing so much (and me too, evidently) because it's out of character. My coworkers have always known me as that quiet girl with the serious boyfriend (we were supposed to move in together this summer, thankfully I saw sense and ended it in time). So me kissing a lad here and there seems like a huge event.

If this situation has taught me anything, it's that cutting down on drink would be helpful.

fevertrees

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117780874#Comment_117780874

I am very shy.

Sheltered is probably the right word. I kissed a few lads at teeney bopper discos back in the day and I started dating my now ex towards the end of secondary school. I haven't been around much. The other lads I've kissed since leaving my ex (other than this fella) were friends of friends I met on nights out or something, not people I see daily. That's probably why I'm finding this so hard. When it's someone I'm rarely going to see, I don't care.

And yes, I'd be lying if I said I don't rely on drink at parties. I find it hard to enjoy myself otherwise as I'm so shy.

Honestly OP, just enjoy the fun of the summer holidays and having the craic with your mates. I know it's pointless to tell someone to not take something so seriously but honestly at your age you should just be focussing on having a bit of fun. I (and I bet everyone my age) would love to have another carefree summer! if someone slags you about it just tell them something silly like 'sure, there's no law against a bit of fun, you should trying having some yourself' or someone inane line, slagging is often just conversational at that age, ime. (very different if it's bullying but that doesn't seem to apply here?)

Also, not to victim blame (or whatever the correct phrase is) but please be careful going off in a huff at 5 am. I'd say that if you were male too (and God knows I've done it myself etc etc)

notAMember

Yikes. Not a nice experience.

We were getting slagged constantly, I'm talking like once every 20 minutes one of the lads would crack one. 

You know what this is called? Slut-shaming. They are taking the piss out of you for having a snog, for being "easy" because in their eyes it makes you a slut... Meanwhile the actual "slut" , if there was such a thing, is this co-worker of yours.

No wonder you feel mortified. He took advantage you when you weren't in full control, used you for laughs with his friends, led you on emotionally, and then left you high and dry. What an absolute arsehole.

Cut down on the booze. Seriously. The drunk jealous girl throwing herself at you is not an attractive look.

This stuff is additional slut-shaming to mortify you further.

Fandymo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781384#Comment_117781384

Jaysus, calm down there Helen Lovejoy. It seems like a bit of slagging among colleagues.

fevertrees

I do feel like the slagging did get a bit excessive, but I found 90% of it funny.

The point was that I act so prim and proper at work and I'm so quiet, so this kinda craic was never expected. Most of my coworkers are chill and have riden many (including one another). They don't get the "maneater" / "we expected better from you" jokes because yeah, they do have "some fun". Certainly a lot more than I do. And fair play to them. I'm clearly not capable of that emotionally.

FileNotFound

Any slags you, simple response:

"OOOh is someone a little jealous"...

Otherwise who gives a rats.. Let them slag you, go with the joke and laugh it off, once they get no rise they'll get bored.

Definitley don't start acting odd around him, like him then ask him out, otherwise get over it.

Jequ0n

you might want to hook up with people who are not associated with your workplace.

Personally it is something I’d avoid like the plague, particularly if people are as immature as they seem to be in your place.

Nozebleed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058204980/kissed-my-coworker-he-doesnt-appear-appear-like-me-back

let me get this straight......ITS HIS FAULT?

LillySV

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781483#Comment_117781483

Classy stuff ….. no more than you considering yourself shy but announcing how you were more or less half stalkin him the second nite for “abit more” than the shift …

fevertrees

I don't think there's any need to be slut shaming both myself and my coworkers.

Dial Hard

This thread has taken a rather bizarre turn the past few responses, but anyway...

OP, it was a drunken snog. We've all been there. If you like the guy and want to make something of it, ask him out. If he says no, shrug it off, chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

In the meantime, lay off the Dutch courage and if your colleagues keep up the slagging, stat thinking of a few witty ripostes to shut it down.

Hannibal_Smith

Why don't you just say it was a snog on a night out, no big deal and let them all move on. They sound like a bunch of kids so I wouldn't be too worried about the slagging - little to be occupying themselves with by the sounds of things. You're both getting slagged, so it's not as if you're being shamed or singled out.

You snogged someone, enjoyed it and thought there'd be more to it but there's not. It sounds a bit like 'the fear' to me.

fevertrees

The fear does sound like an accurate summary.

LillySV

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781676#Comment_117781676

I questioned the language and carry on… the only one that used disparaging comments like “slut” was yourself ……if you don’t like differing opinions then don’t go looking for opinions online btw

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781919#Comment_117781919

A previous poster mentioned the term “slut shaming”, I don’t think the OP’s post was directed at you.

obi604

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117780314#Comment_117780314

Fixed your post there for ya:

This time next year tomorrow it’ll all seem like a million years ago.

OU812

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781384#Comment_117781384

No, not that at all.

Relax with the buzz words.

OU812

Three pieces of advice:

Work on building your confidence.

Cut down the alcohol.

Find relationships outside of where you work

Big Bag of Chips

We were getting slagged constantly....

He said.... he didn't mind the slagging

Mod Note

There is no implication of "slut shaming" in the OP's post. The colleagues are being immature but they are not singling out the OP. OP herself has not referenced this at all.

Please return to advising the OP on her issue rather than arguing a non-point.

SunnySundays

I think you need to put it in context....you kissed a co-worker. I would understand the mortification if you had performed a drunken striptease or were caught in a compromising sexual act.

It was just a kiss, you are I nearly single, why wouldn't you enjoy yourself.

Own it and laugh about it. If someone else mentions it again....just say you were trying to liven things up a bit or glad I could entertain you all for while. Laugh it off, office gossip is temporary and almost everyone has been there at one point or another.

If you don't like the drunk you, just drink less and problem solved. You'll laugh about it shortly. Most people have been the drunken emotional one at a party or two. It's only a problem if you are that person at every night out.

Rubberchikken

I'd say leave out the excessive drinking as a means of bolstering your confidence. It's not the way to go.

The slagging at work might be a bit fun but it'll start to get tired and boring if it keeps on.

Tork

OP, you're not that special really. Many of us have a tale or two (or three...) to tell about kissing somebody we shouldn't, or one night stands we regretted. It's part and parcel of life for many people and it isn't just your generation this applies to. The only thing that is making you different for now is that you're making a big fuss over this. That's what is going to drag the drama of this out for longer, not what you actually did. Before too long, somebody else from your workplace will be the subject of office gossip. You'll be yesterday's news in no time. The way you facilitate it is by laughing it off and saying it was only a kiss. If you continue to be indignant or angry or embarrassed by it, your colleagues will sniff it out like a bloodhound.

qwerty13

I’d say there’s not many people who, at your age, haven’t snogged someone at a party and got a slagging about it. It doesn’t sound like your co-workers are targeting you in a nasty way for slagging - and as soon as someone else in your group does the same thing (and they will!) they’ll be the ‘news’, and you’ll be forgotten about. So no need to be mortified.

I don’t think he was out of order chatting to someone else at another party a week later - but storming out was not a good look OP, and I don’t think it’s a safe move either, at 5am. Just try to forget about it - you had a fun night, and things didn’t go any further, but that’s ok! Sometimes these things are just ‘a bit of fun’. I’m not sure from your posts if you were actually really hurt by the events at the 2nd party, or your ego was a bit bruised. Onwards and upwards OP! And just be mindful of being very reliant on drinking at social gatherings - and storming out does you no favours, in terms of being viewed as that girl who is high maintenance when drunk, and it’s not a safe thing to do either, not when you’re feeling a bit upset and a bit drunk at 5am.

fevertrees

Thank you for the last few responses guys, they've been really helpful and comforting.

For the record, I'm not annoyed with him in the slightest. He has done nothing wrong. I'm annoyed with myself for crushing on him after some kisses and flirting. I mean, he isn't even the kind of fella I'd even have a relationship with. I feel like a lot of it was my bruised ego, like "oh why doesn't he find me attractive anymore/ is she better than me?", which is pretty lousy.

But 100%, I need to drink less and stop using it as a crutch for my shyness. I basically chug 2/3 drinks early every night out to loosen up and become "fun", otherwise I'm too in my own head. I didn't really have this issue until splitting with my ex. A large part of it is that I can only seem to flirt with guys when I'm drunk and I miss male attention a lot. It isn't healthy.

qwerty13

FWIW, I think it’s great that you’re recognising the situation for what it was. It has happened to most people I know, and probably a few times in younger years (not being patronising about your age - I’m just saying that because you’re effectively new to the dating scene, and I think it took all of us a while to find our feet in the dating world).

Go easy on yourself OP, and maybe take things a little handier on the drink and getting over-invested front the next time. To state the obvious, sometimes you - or the guy - might just want a bit of a flirt, a snog, or maybe a one-nighter. And that’s ok, sometimes we all just want to have a fun interesting night! Fantastic if you both want more - but sometimes just the night itself might be what is wanted, and that’s ok too.

TheadoreT

You'll honestly look back on this type of thing in years to come and chuckle that you took it so seriously at the time. Not that that's particularly helpful to you now but honestly nobody asides from yourself really cares so give yourself a break here.

And besides a knock-back or two when young is character building. And when you find something genuine it makes it feel more special.

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117781435#Comment_117781435

So sorry Jeffrey Epstein, I forgot horsing around with young ones and treating them like meat was totally acceptable.

GSBellew

OP, keep your chin up, don't let it get you down, you didn't do anything wrong, your work colleagues are just being asses.

I know that's so easy for someone to say to you, it's a whole different thing to be there and working through it.

Purely from what you've posted, him being sober, you under the influence, him filling everyone else in afterwords, he sounds like the sort of fella you'd be better off having less to do with.

Now, I could be completely wrong about the fella, but it sounds a lot like the fella's who the nice girls fell for when I was younger, they'd sit back, wait for the girl to have enough to drink before making their move, next morning fill everyone else in on it, they'd all laugh about it.

The girl the other night could jut be the next one, regardless, look after yourself, enjoy yourself but more importantly look after yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

Fandymo and notAMember, digs at each other are not helpful. Please read the Forum Charter and stick to it before posting in Personal Issues again.

notAMember, your post above is completely uncalled for. You've gone from slut shaming to paedophilia. Neither of which are remotely relevant to this thread. Don't post in this thread again.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117783400#Comment_117783400

I like the way you equate him being sober with being come class of predator. So if he was also drunk then it would make it better?

I believe that you seriously need to re-calibrate some of your sensors.

Big Bag of Chips

I think some people try desperately hard to turn any situation into man = predator, woman = victim.

OP, I hope you don't let some of these posts affect you. You got drunk and shifted a fella. Voluntarily and without pressure, I assume. Nothing in your posts suggests you were preyed upon or that anything was done without your consent. Nor does anything you say suggest that you were the one targeted by these "predatory men" for their amusement.

We've all in our late teens early 20s gone out and shifted someone. And told our friends. And maybe got a bit of slagging over it. Especially if we were all a group of friends. And then gone out the following week and shifted someone else. As women if we do it, it is apparently "empowering". If a man does it he's a predator and using women as meat. When the reality is, it's just single young people enjoying a bit of harmless fun. My cousin used to shift 3 or 4 fellas a night! By her own choice. Not used by anyone. Shifting someone can sometimes lead to a relationship blossoming, often times it's just a shift! I've been in 4 relationships. I've shifted 40+ fellas.

I shifted a classmate at a disco one night. Ended up missing a week and a half of school due to sore throat. He got an awful slagging over it, and I even slagged him when I got back to school. We never shifted again after that and a week later he rang me to know if my friend was single and interested in him!!

You've been out of the shifting scene for a number of years due to be being in a relationship, but your friends would regularly go out, shift someone, joke about it during the week. And shift someone else the following week. It's not even clear if this fella, shifted the other girl at all! So it's not that big a deal to them. Even the slagging doesn't mean anything to them.

This will pass over. It's just a bit of fun for everyone involved. You got a bit drunk. Said a few things to a friend. So did probably most other people in the group, regularly! It's what people do.

Enjoy your single life. Enjoy having a bit of fun. If you like a fella, let him know. It might turn into something. It might not.

GSBellew

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117788661#Comment_117788661

Please re read my post.

I equate it to experiences of fella's in the past, who purposely waited on girls getting drunk to make a move while they themselves were sober, that's predatory behaviour.

Stick your head in the sand if you like, but it's a massive issue that does exist.

If he was a decent fella, he wouldn't shift her then run and tell tales to everyone.

predator or not, he sounds like an ass that she should avoid in my opinion.

I in no way presume that a male is a predator, but as a male, in my experience, I can state that such pre meditated predatory behaviour happens, is positively encouraged within these groups, I know because I was egged on by these people, encouraged to remain sober, swoop in at the end and claim the prize....

call it what you like, but a decent fella wouldn't make that move.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117791367#Comment_117791367

I remember being at a work night out, where a boss guy - who was a lecherous creep - was all over a really good looking girl who was upset and drunk (and had just split up with her BF of many years).

I don’t think the OP’s situation is that at all. I feel that it was a young and casual situation, and that the OP is now - needlessly - embarrassed. It doesn’t sound as though there was anything untoward.

Big Bag of Chips

notAMember, your post has been deleted. You were asked to not post on this thread again.

The OP was the only one of us present and she does not feel this was a predatory situation. She even commented herself to clarify

fevertrees

Registered Users

Posts: 8 ✭ August 20

I don't think there's any need to be slut shaming both myself and my coworkers.

Some posters have invented a whole alternate scenario that the OP does not agree with. It is not for anyone else to tell the OP that she is wrong or doesn't know what happened.

Anyone who tries to claim that the OP was somehow assaulted, used or taken advantage of against her will will receive a warning.

Not every situation where young people hook up, talk to friends, slag a bit etc, is predatory. It's what young single people do. To claim otherwise is very dangerous and deeply unfair to both parties involved.

bitofabind

Ah I remember being early 20s. Everything felt like a crisis, I thought everyone was looking at me, judging me, booze was a crutch coz I was putting myself in situations I hated and oh lord the dodgy hookups :-D

OP, breathe. A good leveller in these situations is the 5x5 question. Will this matter in 5 months? What about in 5 years? Will you still be worrying about some lad who's name you can't remember and the ex colleagues that you probably won't even be in touch with anymore? Nope. None of this matters.

What does matter though is that your confidence is so low, you're using booze as a social lubricant and can't get a handle on your emotions. Have you fully dealt with the breakup? You might think about doing some counselling to learn how to take better care of yourself and to be more accepting and kind to yourself.

skallywag

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117791397#Comment_117791397

I would agree completely with that.

OP, I think the fear from the booze could also have multiplied this inside our own head.

Those who are trying to argue that the lad being sober might have some sinister connotation need to take a hard look at themselves in my book. There are plenty of threads about alcohol addiction on this very forum, take the time to have a look. It can be tough enough sometimes to go out an decide not to drink when others in your group are, without having to put up with this nonsense on top of it.