Unsure about relationship

TheadoreT

unsureguest wrote: »

I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.

What on earth is this part all about? She pays and looks after you so why wouldn't she be able to look after kids? Given the rather emotionally detached way you're coming across I'd be infinitely more concerned about your suitability in this regard. You say you're inexperienced in relationships and its no surprise to be honest, you probably need to start looking beyond rigorous moisturising routines for what your definition of "care" is

Neyite

Any previous relationships OP? Any similarities with those? For example do you think they are amazing in the first few months then it fades to what you've described in your OP? Or is it just this relationship?

If it's just this one, then it sounds like a natural distancing for a couple who don't have what's needed for a long term thing. If it's something you've had in other relationships then it's a pattern of thought for you that's worth looking into further.

Either way, it sounds like familiarity has bred contempt here so you are better off out of it, I hope you move on with kindness as well. She sounds perfect, just not your version of perfect.

shesty

unsureguest wrote: »

OP here,
I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
.

I only hope OP, that at some point in the future if you ever have a wife and kids, you remember this statement when your wife is asking you to help out more.
I think enough else has been said on the topic here to be honest.

NiceFella

Jequ0n wrote: »

OP, good to see that you decided to make the move and break up.
Personally I can't see how anything in your posts warranted some of the harsh replies you received, so maybe take some of the criticism with a pinch of salt. There is nothing wrong with having standards, but as you realised this is linked to compatibility. Do yourself a favour and question advice given to you, because people will naturally give it based on their own experience, which is often miles away from your own situation.
Best of luck.

I agree with this. But I especially listen to advice when many people seem to say the same thing. We all have blind spots.

Sonic the Shaghog

Tbh especially after your comment about having very little relationship experience, you sound like someone that finally got a gf, given you got one woman, you're a stud and now have notions you can do much better and are finding all the reasons to leave someone nice, not a dig but I've seen it plenty times

Who was it that said, Beauty Fades But Dumb Is Forever?

I think this lady sounds like a very real genuine person, with nothing dumb, fake or superficial about her. If she wasn't taking any showers at all, you might have something to complain about, and there's nothing wrong with Wash-n-Go. Modern dentistry can do wonders these days, too.

But anyway, ultimately, you're right to end the relationship. You do not sound like a good match for her. I wonder why you decided to be exclusive with her in the first place, given her so many flaws.

Someone else will appreciate her better.

Antares35

She sounds really nice and it's odd that in the same post you say that her lack of attention to self grooming is a bad thing, while also saying that you dislike vanity. It sounds like she can't win.

I think your post reads like you already know the answer, and there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to be with someone anymore. Life happens and people grow apart. But staying with someone when you feel that way about them isn't really fair. I'd be devastated if my fiancé felt that way about me, and would at least want to know.

Actually, have you mentioned any of this to her? Is it possible that it's to do with lockdown? I know I'm guilty of just throwing on leggings and tying my hair back for work now, whereas when we were office based it was dresses, heels, makeup etc. Was she like this before?

LegacyUser

Op here. I can't address all the posts but loads of well-balanced replies, some quite harsh which I think my posts either relates to them…nonetheless I'll take both onboard.
She without any shadow of a doubt is absolutely lovely and caring and I do not think I’m better than her in any shape or form.
Regards to being vain - some people in their mind though might not say it out like tall men and short men are a no, some muscular women, nice hair, nice teeth, good personality…some men, slim, small women, dark hair etc etc. Anyone that says not is not being truthful. To a poster saying vanity is a deal breaker - where did I say this? Actually, a number of posters I’ve said this - not sure where I did - it’s not a deal breaker - I just cant unsee a bad teeth
If bad teeth come from poor hygiene due to being easy going, laissez faire attitude & outlook towards life - this spill into other areas such as kids - this is a nono - this is where I'm coming from.
Anyway, we have a walk tomorrow to talk about tings and part ways, no reasons being said just we are going different directions

Fizzlesque

unsureguest wrote: »

To a poster saying vanity is a deal breaker - where did I say this? Actually, a number of posters I’ve said this - not sure where I did

OP, I may be wrong here but I think some posters have misread this part of your initial post: "and vainly is one of my deal breakers".

It looks to me like some posters have replaced your word 'vainly' with the word 'vanity'. Perhaps assuming it was an unintended autocorrect?

If that's the case, then they have misread your words. Instead of you calling your girlfriend vain, you were, in fact, calling yourself vain for bad teeth being a deal breaker.

All that said, I don't consider not liking bad teeth to be vain - I just wanted to help clear up the vainly/vanity misunderstanding.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think the biggest thing posters are trying to get across to you here is you posted a very long first post about everything you think is wrong with this woman. And the list was long, and varied. From her looks, to her hobbies, interests, how she likes to relax, how she socialises (which you simply made up because no place with a dance floor has been open in over a year and a half!) what she wears, what she doesn't wear, her (lack of) skincare regime, her lack of jewelry, perfume, cosmetics.

The only thing nice you send about her was basically that she's sound!

What people are trying to get across to you is you should never, after months of casual dating, have ended up in an exclusive relationship with her. And asking you to look at yourself and try to figure out why, if you have what you consider to be deal breakers, you ended up after some time in a relationship with someone who you felt was totally wrong for you.

You say you "can't unsee bad teeth". Surely she had them the first time you met her, and the time after that, and the time after that etc. I understand that people can try to give someone a chance and see if the relationship can develop regardless of differences. What you're learning now is that rarely works out. If you have certain standards, certain things you like in or don't like in a partner then being with someone who doesn't mostly have what you like will lead to this situation happening again. The things that you like, that your gf lacks will end up irritating you and ending the relationship. So try to think about that in your next relationship.

By the way, I'm easygoing, laid back and as a mother I think it is a very good trait. I don't over mollycoddle by children. I don't fuss over them. If they fall, or are upset about something I dust them off and tell them they're ok. We find easy solutions to what they feel are big problems. My 14 year old daughter isn't obsessed with her looks, weight. She doesn't wear make up (yet). Is not bothered with the latest (expensive) fashions etc. She's not posting pouting (filtered) selfies on social media. Easy going isn't a bad thing. It mightn't keep your house to showroom standard but there's more important things in life!

bitofabind

I agree with BBOC and to me, all of this equates to dating responsibly. Dating from a position of knowing yourself and your needs, and taking consideration for other peoples’ time and needs too. Going “one foot in, one foot out” with someone who hosts a bunch of what you already know are dealbreakers is not fair on anyone. It’s where you’re wasting someone’s time at best and seriously damaging their sense of self-worth and self trust at worst. Imagine how devastated this woman would be if she knew what you were thinking about her.

I know that dating is a minefield a lot of the time, moreso when you don’t have much experience and feel an urgency to get on the relationship bandwagon. And OP I’m glad to hear you’re going to have a conversation now and do the right thing. But I think it’s also an opportunity to think about how you date and who you want to date moving forward, which means clarifying in your own head what your own needs are, and what peace of mind with someone looks like.

LegacyUser

Met up with her this AM, had a good chata and we parted ways.

Mods feel free to delete/lockthread.